So it's Valentine's Day! To be honest, I'm not really that girl that gets all sentimental about it. I feel like most people fall into one of these categories on Valentine's Day: hate it, love it, couldn't care less about it. It makes me think about why it is that I'm not a big fan of a day about love.
Love has gotten me into a lot of trouble in my past. I was given the special gift of being able to love those that may not really deserve my love. Most of the time it feels more like a curse than a gift, but as I grow in my faith I realize it really is a gift from God. (Or am I telling myself that so I don't feel like a doormat?) When I was young and in love, it caused me to make poor decisions for myself. I thought that love meant standing by someone and being there for them not matter what. I had to learn very quickly that puppy love is not the same thing as actual love. Then, I had Kailynn. Instantly, I realized what real unconditional love was. Nothing can prepare you for how much you instantly love your child. So you see, she changed the love game for me. As I proceeded in what may have been the most dysfunctional relationship, I did it out of love for her. What a mother can do out of love for a child can be dangerous. I was willing to let someone treat me like trash because I thought it showed how much I loved my daughter. Wow, did you get that? I thought love was letting someone treat me like trash...man, 17 was a rough age. But, wait...the saga continues. So then cupid strikes again and I find someone who really loves me. He loved me so much, that he would break up with me any time he wanted, so he could do whatever he wanted, just to come back a few days later and tell me how much he missed me and Kailynn. And because I am blessed with this gift of stupidity, I mean love, I would always take him back. I had convinced myself that it was LOVE, but it was actually my complete lack of self respect. Not to mention I didn't want Kailynn to feel abandoned, yet again. Seriously, even now, I want to slap myself. Why is it so easy for us to use love as an excuse to do stupid things? It literally took a broken hand to wake me up and realize that I wasn't in a loving relationship, I was in an abusive one. So, yeah, "love" and I didn't really get off to a good start. I used love as an excuse and in turn love crapped on me. I know this sounds really bitter but it was how I felt at the time. I can remember praying that God would make me stronger and a better mother, to take away my weakness and stupidity (as if I had nothing to do with it). I knew I couldn't be a good example for my own daughter if I was going to let "love" dictate my actions. I had never felt humiliation the way I did when I was getting my hand casted and the nurses were counseling me on domestic violence. I remember thinking, "how in the world did it come to this?" After all, I am a strong, independent woman! And so I decided to blame love, not the person who caused me the hurt, but love. In my mind, if I hadn't loved him so much, this would have never happened to me. It was time to be accountable for my own decisions and stop being a victim.
When I met my husband, I had a ton of walls built around me and Kailynn. I was very cautious about getting close to him and trusting him when he said he loved me. You can ask him now and he would tell you that he's still earning my trust. We've been married almost 14 years and I'm still making the poor guy earn my love. I know it exhausts him sometimes and I know that I've definitely softened some of my walls but I can't bring myself to completing surrender because love has left a very deep scar on my heart. Like the Bible says in 1 Corinthians, "love is patient and kind". My husbands love for me is patient and most definitely kind. That my friends, is real love.
I seriously confess:
I've never thought of myself as a feminist or a girl power kind of woman (I seriously despise labels considering I basically had to wear a scarlet letter the entire time I was pregnant and then looked at with disgust because I was a teenage single mom). However, when I write about my past, it ignites such a passion to prevent other women from ever having to feel the way I have. Why in the world is so much of our self worth dictated by what a man thinks? Or anyone, for that matter? Am I the only one that feels this way? The hypocrisy can be overwhelming! Don't worry, I won't be burning any bras in the street. (those suckers are way too expensive) I end this with a reminder to my self and to others who may feel the same way I do at times. God loves you, everything about you, junk included and He always will! That's the kind of love worth fighting for!
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Thursday, January 19, 2017
STOP. COLLABORATE and LISTEN
Have you ever misinterpreted a text? Or sent a text and someone took offense because they read it the wrong way? This makes me crazy. My mom always laughs at me because I respond with one word responses. Apparently, unlike the majority of the world, I HATE TEXTING! I'm a girl of the past. I love picking up the phone and calling people. It seems more personal to me and I feel like it's always more productive that way. Have you ever called someone and left a message then they respond in a text? If I wanted a text, I would have texted you:). My poor daughter. She's a junior in college and I still make her talk to me on the phone. You can hear happiness, sadness, excitement, disappointment, loneliness, if someone is overwhelmed, a plethora of other feelings from someone's voice. I refuse to except that I live in a world where it's okay to text someone how you feel versus saying it to them. I want to hear the sincerity in someone's voice. In a world where we are constantly comparing ourselves to others, and looking at pictures of people and assuming what they are thinking and how they are feeling, do we ever just follow the great advice of Vanilla Ice? Stop, collaborate and listen? Seems pretty simple but, it's harder than you think. Let's break it down.
First, we have to STOP. Stop what? Well, obviously, I'm going to say stop texting constantly! But seriously, stop whatever it is that is taking up so much of your time that you can't even have a conversation with someone. There are a lot of vices out there. Netflix and Amazon can suck hours of your life away and you don't even realize it. Ask me, I can tell you all about it. Seriously though, if you are looking for a good show, ask. I have friends who can barely carry on a conversation because their kids are wreaking havoc in the background. I don't care, at least it's real, and I can offer them words of encouragement. Like, "Enjoy them now, it only get's worse!" or "Wait until they learn sarcasm, that's when the real fun begins!" Kids cry people! Especially if you are on the phone!
Second, COLLABORATE! The definition of collaborate is as follows:
Google search
verb
work jointly on an activity, especially to produce or create something
So let's collaborate and create something! Never underestimate the power of creating a bond with someone. It's okay to spend time with people and getting to know them. The real them. I have "known" people and then in a blink of an eye been completely floored by their actions or something they've said. That's okay! We aren't meant to be perfect robots who never make mistakes or say something stupid. I have literally left a situation before and thought, "what in the world was I thinking?" or "why in the world did I just say that?" And I promise, I really don't know. My intentions were pure in my head, but my words and actions may prove otherwise. This brings me to our third and most important step.
LISTEN! Have you ever been in a conversation where you know the other person isn't listening to a word you are saying? It's so frustrating! Sometimes, we just need to be heard. I think God uses these situations so that I will turn to Him instead. As if he is saying, "you are getting nowhere Rebecca, come to Me instead" (insert Morgan Freeman voice because that's the voice I imagine God having) Listening is not a skill set that comes easy for everyone. So let's be a little more forgiving, can we? We all love to be heard, but isn't it hard to listen? When we really listen to one another, I think we understand each other more. Not everything has to be taken so personally. Sometimes, people are so full of pain that if one person could just listen to them, they would feel better. You can't put your true feelings in a picture or in a text. We need to listen to one another more often and get the facts straight before we make assumptions. You know what happens when we assume, you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me."
Confession:
It is often hard for me to listen because I want to insert my two cents! I am learning that I don't need to have all the answers, it's not my job. Being a good listener requires patience and acceptance. Not everyone is going to handle things the way I would handle it, and that's okay. (is it? Joking!) My point is that I am working on accepting people the way they are and realizing it's not my job to change them, but to love them the way Jesus loves me. I know Jesus scares some people. Proverbs 18:13 says, "spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish."
Your non-texting friend,
Rebecca
Psalms 19:14
First, we have to STOP. Stop what? Well, obviously, I'm going to say stop texting constantly! But seriously, stop whatever it is that is taking up so much of your time that you can't even have a conversation with someone. There are a lot of vices out there. Netflix and Amazon can suck hours of your life away and you don't even realize it. Ask me, I can tell you all about it. Seriously though, if you are looking for a good show, ask. I have friends who can barely carry on a conversation because their kids are wreaking havoc in the background. I don't care, at least it's real, and I can offer them words of encouragement. Like, "Enjoy them now, it only get's worse!" or "Wait until they learn sarcasm, that's when the real fun begins!" Kids cry people! Especially if you are on the phone!
Second, COLLABORATE! The definition of collaborate is as follows:
Google search
verb
work jointly on an activity, especially to produce or create something
So let's collaborate and create something! Never underestimate the power of creating a bond with someone. It's okay to spend time with people and getting to know them. The real them. I have "known" people and then in a blink of an eye been completely floored by their actions or something they've said. That's okay! We aren't meant to be perfect robots who never make mistakes or say something stupid. I have literally left a situation before and thought, "what in the world was I thinking?" or "why in the world did I just say that?" And I promise, I really don't know. My intentions were pure in my head, but my words and actions may prove otherwise. This brings me to our third and most important step.
LISTEN! Have you ever been in a conversation where you know the other person isn't listening to a word you are saying? It's so frustrating! Sometimes, we just need to be heard. I think God uses these situations so that I will turn to Him instead. As if he is saying, "you are getting nowhere Rebecca, come to Me instead" (insert Morgan Freeman voice because that's the voice I imagine God having) Listening is not a skill set that comes easy for everyone. So let's be a little more forgiving, can we? We all love to be heard, but isn't it hard to listen? When we really listen to one another, I think we understand each other more. Not everything has to be taken so personally. Sometimes, people are so full of pain that if one person could just listen to them, they would feel better. You can't put your true feelings in a picture or in a text. We need to listen to one another more often and get the facts straight before we make assumptions. You know what happens when we assume, you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me."
Confession:
It is often hard for me to listen because I want to insert my two cents! I am learning that I don't need to have all the answers, it's not my job. Being a good listener requires patience and acceptance. Not everyone is going to handle things the way I would handle it, and that's okay. (is it? Joking!) My point is that I am working on accepting people the way they are and realizing it's not my job to change them, but to love them the way Jesus loves me. I know Jesus scares some people. Proverbs 18:13 says, "spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish."
Your non-texting friend,
Rebecca
Psalms 19:14
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
New Year, New Me? Maybe, it's still early.
Hello All! I come to you today with an open heart and a need to share some personal insight. I know I'm a little late on the self help, New Years Resolution trend. However, I'm in awe of how much I need to vent my thoughts. When I started Confessions of a Teenage Mother, it was to scream from the mountain tops, "I'm a teenage mother and my daughter is awesome!" But, that's really not what happened. I was humbled by the support and love that showered me. Almost to a point of not wanting to write anymore. People's opinions were flowing in and it was very intimidating. I started worrying more about grammatical errors, and commas, and quotations, and run on sentences (am I doing one now?) and it became harder and harder to be authentic. Which brings me to this:
What does it mean to be authentic? We live in a world of insta-fix. We don't like a picture of ourselves, we filter it. We post everything we do and what our kids eat, drink, say, do. If we don't have kids then we post our pets, in some cases, both! Then we post pictures of ourselves being good parents at every game, school activity, date night, movie, vacation, etc. Don't get me wrong, social media is a great tool. I'm just as guilty as the next person. But why isn't anyone posting a video of their kid refusing to brush their teeth, or my personal favorite, refusing to shower!!! Or a picture of an email the teacher sent saying your kid was misbehaving in school, or the prescription of the anti-depressant you just picked up because you feel like you are hanging on by a thread and don't know how to get out of it? With a post, "feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown and want to drive as far away from here and never come back." Can you imagine posting a picture of the scale with a caption, "yep, gained another 5 pounds and feel miserable, who's with me?"
*sidenote- I just wrote another example that made me laugh out loud but couldn't post it because there might be such a thing as too much honesty!
Anyway, this is all leading me to consider how authentic of a person I am. I'm a true believer that we all learn more from hardships than any success we've gained. Everyone finds comfort in someone else's misery. So why aren't we sharing our miseries? Seriously, I'm asking. I don't have the answer. Is it pride, embarrassment, humiliation? Do we want people to think we are better than what we really are? Mine is most definitely pride. There, I said it. I'm a prideful person. I hate for people to think of me as weak or needy. I hate depending on someone else. I'd starve myself if it meant proving a point that I don't need something. Ok, that's a lie. I love food too much but, you get my point! I am the type of person who's bucket gets filled when someone tells me they are proud of me or I did a good job. I guess that never really goes away. My Mommaw, who you will find that I will reference a lot, God rest her soul, used to tell me that it was important to be just as pretty on the inside as the outside, if not more. So in a society that seriously cares more about appearances, myself included, I find this extremely difficult. How am I ever going to be authentic if I care more about what people see, than what they know is true in my heart?
So here is what I can promise you. I promise to be completely authentic once a week while I continue to write. I wonder if I can do it. Will it help me make a difference in myself and the way I relate to others? My sole purpose is to become someone that I'm proud of. After all, if we can't be proud of ourselves, then who will be? As adults, it's not very often we feel proud, we are too busy comparing ourselves to others, and complaining about what we want, deserve, and are entitled to, instead of enjoying what's right in front of us. My first step is growing in my faith. Let's see what happens. Maybe it will inspire others to be more authentic as well. Hopefully this will be a place that people feel more "normal", whatever that is, and not a place where you have to keep up with society.
MY FIRST AUTHENTIC CONFESSION:
I am on a cleanse and trying to lose 15-20 pounds. This is my third product I'm trying because let's face it... Cleansing and dieting is not for me. I'm mortified at the thought of putting on a bathing suit and hate being naked. For those of you who want to judge me because I'm not as big as you and you'd "give your left leg" to be as "big" as me, well, medium girls have body issues too! My issues aren't any less "real" than yours.
*oh man, I'm afraid I just offended so many people. Yikes!
Five minutes after I wrote this, someone pointed out all my typos. So, I fixed them. Thanks, Mom!
What does it mean to be authentic? We live in a world of insta-fix. We don't like a picture of ourselves, we filter it. We post everything we do and what our kids eat, drink, say, do. If we don't have kids then we post our pets, in some cases, both! Then we post pictures of ourselves being good parents at every game, school activity, date night, movie, vacation, etc. Don't get me wrong, social media is a great tool. I'm just as guilty as the next person. But why isn't anyone posting a video of their kid refusing to brush their teeth, or my personal favorite, refusing to shower!!! Or a picture of an email the teacher sent saying your kid was misbehaving in school, or the prescription of the anti-depressant you just picked up because you feel like you are hanging on by a thread and don't know how to get out of it? With a post, "feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown and want to drive as far away from here and never come back." Can you imagine posting a picture of the scale with a caption, "yep, gained another 5 pounds and feel miserable, who's with me?"
*sidenote- I just wrote another example that made me laugh out loud but couldn't post it because there might be such a thing as too much honesty!
Anyway, this is all leading me to consider how authentic of a person I am. I'm a true believer that we all learn more from hardships than any success we've gained. Everyone finds comfort in someone else's misery. So why aren't we sharing our miseries? Seriously, I'm asking. I don't have the answer. Is it pride, embarrassment, humiliation? Do we want people to think we are better than what we really are? Mine is most definitely pride. There, I said it. I'm a prideful person. I hate for people to think of me as weak or needy. I hate depending on someone else. I'd starve myself if it meant proving a point that I don't need something. Ok, that's a lie. I love food too much but, you get my point! I am the type of person who's bucket gets filled when someone tells me they are proud of me or I did a good job. I guess that never really goes away. My Mommaw, who you will find that I will reference a lot, God rest her soul, used to tell me that it was important to be just as pretty on the inside as the outside, if not more. So in a society that seriously cares more about appearances, myself included, I find this extremely difficult. How am I ever going to be authentic if I care more about what people see, than what they know is true in my heart?
So here is what I can promise you. I promise to be completely authentic once a week while I continue to write. I wonder if I can do it. Will it help me make a difference in myself and the way I relate to others? My sole purpose is to become someone that I'm proud of. After all, if we can't be proud of ourselves, then who will be? As adults, it's not very often we feel proud, we are too busy comparing ourselves to others, and complaining about what we want, deserve, and are entitled to, instead of enjoying what's right in front of us. My first step is growing in my faith. Let's see what happens. Maybe it will inspire others to be more authentic as well. Hopefully this will be a place that people feel more "normal", whatever that is, and not a place where you have to keep up with society.
MY FIRST AUTHENTIC CONFESSION:
I am on a cleanse and trying to lose 15-20 pounds. This is my third product I'm trying because let's face it... Cleansing and dieting is not for me. I'm mortified at the thought of putting on a bathing suit and hate being naked. For those of you who want to judge me because I'm not as big as you and you'd "give your left leg" to be as "big" as me, well, medium girls have body issues too! My issues aren't any less "real" than yours.
*oh man, I'm afraid I just offended so many people. Yikes!
Five minutes after I wrote this, someone pointed out all my typos. So, I fixed them. Thanks, Mom!
Friday, July 25, 2014
Happy 18th Birthday Kailynn!
I feel like such a slacker. My intentions were to have a more completed blog at this point. The truth is, I was putting off writing because the pressure of the truth can be so overwhelming at times. Then I felt like I was jumping all over the place. I have so much more to say to Kailynn and my time with her is slipping away so quickly. So I'm going to try my best to sum it up in this entry. After all, she will be 18 tomorrow and this is one of her gifts!
To my sweet Kailynn,
This is harder than I thought. I would rather say nothing than to admit you are leaving home in a month and the dynamics of our family will forever be changed. I'm overwhelmed with sadness, excitement, nervousness, pride, fear, happiness, and every other emotion you can imagine. I cannot wrap my head around the fact you will be 18 tomorrow. Even though I don't think being 18 makes someone an adult, it does mean that you are turning a page and closing a chapter in your childhood. You are leaving home and living independently for the first time amongst a bunch of strangers for crying out loud! I wish you the best and want you to follow your dreams no matter how crazy they might seem. You are one of the strongest people I know and I am lucky to be your mom. Here is some motherly advice I feel is important moving forward:
1. Choose your friends wisely! Don't waste your time thinking you can change someone or that they will change just to be your friend. Not to sound cynical but, people are naturally selfish. Surround yourself with people who will build you up and be the kind of friend that you expect people to be to you. It's ALWAYS a two way street:)
2. Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT fall in love with the first boy that gives you attention. You have four years of school ahead of you and it should be fun and adventurous. (not too much!)
3. Remember to always respect yourself.
4. Know your limitations
5. Don't forget God is always with you
6. Remember, Daddy and I will always be here for you.
7. Knowledge truly is power even if you don't get paid for it.
8. Don't sweat the small stuff. The past is exactly that, the PAST. Move on! Basically, don't be a victim.
9. I prefer not to be a grandma before 40:)
10. Last but not least….please do not become an all American girl-next-door heroine addict. I saw an Oprah special about good girls gone bad and thought I should at least mention it!
11. Learn to forgive yourself!
In all seriousness, please be true to yourself and know that you have a support system that loves you very much.
I hope this blog has given you some type of insight to my past and you understand that I'm not ashamed anymore. I'm hoping my brutal honesty will make you proud of our journey together. I know it has empowered me in ways I didn't think possible. Putting yourself out there can be very hard at times but, it can also be very rewarding. I know it hasn't been easy for you to read (especially me losing my virginity…ewww!) but I'm glad you did. My true intent was to allow you to see me vulnerable and to let you know I haven't always been perfect:) You will inevitably make mistakes and it's up to you to overcome them. No one can do it for you…not even me!
HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY!!
Love,
Your Mother
My confession:
First of all, I am so thankful to all of the people who have shown interest in my personal diary. I have had over 12,000 hits on this blog! It's funny to run into someone I haven't seen in a long time and they tell me they love my blog. Or the people who I see all the time that ask me when I'm going to write again. I think I've mentioned this before (it's been so long, I'm not sure) but I didn't really expect anyone to read it, let alone comment on it but most of all, connect to it. So many people have connected in different ways. Some to me, some to Kailynn, to Joey, my parents, my in-laws, everyone in a different way. The amount of pressure I began to feel was crazy! I wrote so much in the beginning because I wanted to get it all out. It was like a poison festering inside that I needed sucked out all at once or else it would be left lingering, waiting to surface again at another time. I wanted all the shame and guilt gone, for good. I didn't realize how tight of a grasp my past had on me. It has been beyond liberating to be honest to the point of humility. Then, once all the past was out, I felt the future creeping up on me and I didn't want to face it. I dread moving Kailynn into her dorm. I want a redo with her! After all the purging came regret. Seriously, how could I have been so blind? How did I waste so much time and energy on losers when I had this amazing child in front of me? Bottom line…she deserved better. That is a hard pill to swallow. I know, I know, if I didn't make the choices I had made, then I wouldn't we wouldn't be where we are now. Can't I have both? A redo and the present? The answer is no. So I am left with the reality of my choices, good and bad, and have to find a way to forgive myself. Which is always the biggest challenge of all. I'm adding a #11 to my motherly advice now. I don't want to say this blog is over because I will always be a "teenage mother" but for now, my story is on pause. Thank you so much for being a part of this amazing unfinished story:)
Love,
Rebecca
To my sweet Kailynn,
This is harder than I thought. I would rather say nothing than to admit you are leaving home in a month and the dynamics of our family will forever be changed. I'm overwhelmed with sadness, excitement, nervousness, pride, fear, happiness, and every other emotion you can imagine. I cannot wrap my head around the fact you will be 18 tomorrow. Even though I don't think being 18 makes someone an adult, it does mean that you are turning a page and closing a chapter in your childhood. You are leaving home and living independently for the first time amongst a bunch of strangers for crying out loud! I wish you the best and want you to follow your dreams no matter how crazy they might seem. You are one of the strongest people I know and I am lucky to be your mom. Here is some motherly advice I feel is important moving forward:
1. Choose your friends wisely! Don't waste your time thinking you can change someone or that they will change just to be your friend. Not to sound cynical but, people are naturally selfish. Surround yourself with people who will build you up and be the kind of friend that you expect people to be to you. It's ALWAYS a two way street:)
2. Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT fall in love with the first boy that gives you attention. You have four years of school ahead of you and it should be fun and adventurous. (not too much!)
3. Remember to always respect yourself.
4. Know your limitations
5. Don't forget God is always with you
6. Remember, Daddy and I will always be here for you.
7. Knowledge truly is power even if you don't get paid for it.
8. Don't sweat the small stuff. The past is exactly that, the PAST. Move on! Basically, don't be a victim.
9. I prefer not to be a grandma before 40:)
10. Last but not least….please do not become an all American girl-next-door heroine addict. I saw an Oprah special about good girls gone bad and thought I should at least mention it!
11. Learn to forgive yourself!
In all seriousness, please be true to yourself and know that you have a support system that loves you very much.
I hope this blog has given you some type of insight to my past and you understand that I'm not ashamed anymore. I'm hoping my brutal honesty will make you proud of our journey together. I know it has empowered me in ways I didn't think possible. Putting yourself out there can be very hard at times but, it can also be very rewarding. I know it hasn't been easy for you to read (especially me losing my virginity…ewww!) but I'm glad you did. My true intent was to allow you to see me vulnerable and to let you know I haven't always been perfect:) You will inevitably make mistakes and it's up to you to overcome them. No one can do it for you…not even me!
HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY!!
Love,
Your Mother
My confession:
First of all, I am so thankful to all of the people who have shown interest in my personal diary. I have had over 12,000 hits on this blog! It's funny to run into someone I haven't seen in a long time and they tell me they love my blog. Or the people who I see all the time that ask me when I'm going to write again. I think I've mentioned this before (it's been so long, I'm not sure) but I didn't really expect anyone to read it, let alone comment on it but most of all, connect to it. So many people have connected in different ways. Some to me, some to Kailynn, to Joey, my parents, my in-laws, everyone in a different way. The amount of pressure I began to feel was crazy! I wrote so much in the beginning because I wanted to get it all out. It was like a poison festering inside that I needed sucked out all at once or else it would be left lingering, waiting to surface again at another time. I wanted all the shame and guilt gone, for good. I didn't realize how tight of a grasp my past had on me. It has been beyond liberating to be honest to the point of humility. Then, once all the past was out, I felt the future creeping up on me and I didn't want to face it. I dread moving Kailynn into her dorm. I want a redo with her! After all the purging came regret. Seriously, how could I have been so blind? How did I waste so much time and energy on losers when I had this amazing child in front of me? Bottom line…she deserved better. That is a hard pill to swallow. I know, I know, if I didn't make the choices I had made, then I wouldn't we wouldn't be where we are now. Can't I have both? A redo and the present? The answer is no. So I am left with the reality of my choices, good and bad, and have to find a way to forgive myself. Which is always the biggest challenge of all. I'm adding a #11 to my motherly advice now. I don't want to say this blog is over because I will always be a "teenage mother" but for now, my story is on pause. Thank you so much for being a part of this amazing unfinished story:)
Love,
Rebecca
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Better Late Than Never - Joey guest entry
Rebecca Blog, guest entry
I truly believe that sometimes, things happen for a reason. Right now is one of those times. See, my wife has been on me about guest blogging for her unbelievable blog she has poured her heart and soul into for the past year, and I put it off longer than I should have. Shocker right, that a guy procrastinated and waited til the 11th hour to finish something? No way. Well, thank God I did because I have the angle and the conviction that I needed to do this the right way.
See, the timing was perfect with last weekend being one of our biggest weekends as parents life to date. Our oldest, Kailynn, graduated from High School. And, in the spirit of the blog, I will also use my own names, chosen with reason for those involved in my entries. As any parent that has experienced a graduation can tell you, it’s a stressful time. For a minute there, I thought that we were having the Royal Wedding at our house the way it was being cleaned, prepped and staged for the big Grad party. But, like any big event, when the prep work is done and the hour is upon you, all you can do is sit back and enjoy the ride. Speaking personally, I decided that’s what I was going to do. So, the caterer, who some call our second home, did their part, the house was spotless, the weather was spot on, and the drinks were on ice waiting to be consumed. All we needed were the people to celebrate with. It was in that 11th hour that I realized why we were doing this. Like a wedding, the stress of the event can misdirect the reasons why you’re doing it in the first place. I wasn’t going to let that happen. In that calm before the storm, I had a chance to reflect on what was most important. And that thing was Kailynn. Not just Kailynn, but Kailynn’s unique dynamic in how she and Rebecca shaped the landscape of our family.
For 12 years I have been blessed to be a part of something so incredible that at times, I took it for granted. I took for granted how mature she is, has been and always will be. I took for granted how we lucked out in not having to worry about her making awful decisions with drugs, alocohol, boys or school. I took for granted the time we had together watching punch drunk comedies like Napoleon Dynamite or Zoolander and then quoting them any chance we got. I took for granted the fact that come August, our baby is leaving for school and those times won’t be as readily available. And I took for granted how much I truly love her and her mom for the wonderful women they are and for all that they have overcome in their lives, respectively. This blog, at times, has not been easy for Rebecca or Kailynn to write, read, or relive. So, like many, I asked the question, “Why write it?” I got that answer in that moment right before the party. Like a book, you can’t get to Chapter 2 without reading Chapter 1. I’m not sure what chapter we’re currently in, but I know that the previous chapters have made us all who we are, for better or for worse. And standing here today, I know that our family, Rebecca and Kailynn in particular, are definitely better. They are both strong, independent, loving, loyal and committed women who would give you the shirt off their backs in time of need. They are full of life and full of love to the point where I often (especially as I write this now) feel this overwhelming wave of emotion and pride looking at our family and our life.
We’ve been blessed in many ways over the past 10 years. We’ve been fortunate enough to travel to beautiful places, vacation as a family and live in a wonderful neighborhood surrounded by fantastic, supportive people. But, if you took it all away, I’d still have my family. I’d still have my 2 beautiful daughters, my son, my dog and my loving, beautiful wife. And you know what? That’d be fine by me. If you compare a family to a puzzle, each piece has its own unique edges and curves. It cannot fit into place without the adjacent piece in place as well. Kailynn and Rebecca are two pieces that always seem to be a lynchpin for the puzzle. Their composure, grace and unique style of leadership and support are amazing and yes, I have also taken that for granted. I’m speechless, yes I know that’s a shocker, when I begin to take a stroll down memory lane, but what I didn’t tell you all is that this is only part one of the guest blog entries. But, it had to start somewhere. Part two will not be procrastinated, I promise. I also promise that it will be an entertaining stroll with many laughs and maybe a few tears. And it will all start at Lakota High School when I met the love of my life in between classes during my junior year of high school. To be continued……….
My confession:
There are times in life that are beyond comprehension. The death of a loved one, or an awful life occurrence. It’s tough to understand why or how, but that is simply a road leading you to a destination that you never dreamed of. I confess that Rebecca and I both had those moments in life that we didn’t understand at the time, but led us where we are. We have a great God that simply asks us to have faith in his plan. And although we would have preferred to reach our destination with less pain and strife, we have been blessed to end up where we are.
See, the timing was perfect with last weekend being one of our biggest weekends as parents life to date. Our oldest, Kailynn, graduated from High School. And, in the spirit of the blog, I will also use my own names, chosen with reason for those involved in my entries. As any parent that has experienced a graduation can tell you, it’s a stressful time. For a minute there, I thought that we were having the Royal Wedding at our house the way it was being cleaned, prepped and staged for the big Grad party. But, like any big event, when the prep work is done and the hour is upon you, all you can do is sit back and enjoy the ride. Speaking personally, I decided that’s what I was going to do. So, the caterer, who some call our second home, did their part, the house was spotless, the weather was spot on, and the drinks were on ice waiting to be consumed. All we needed were the people to celebrate with. It was in that 11th hour that I realized why we were doing this. Like a wedding, the stress of the event can misdirect the reasons why you’re doing it in the first place. I wasn’t going to let that happen. In that calm before the storm, I had a chance to reflect on what was most important. And that thing was Kailynn. Not just Kailynn, but Kailynn’s unique dynamic in how she and Rebecca shaped the landscape of our family.
For 12 years I have been blessed to be a part of something so incredible that at times, I took it for granted. I took for granted how mature she is, has been and always will be. I took for granted how we lucked out in not having to worry about her making awful decisions with drugs, alocohol, boys or school. I took for granted the time we had together watching punch drunk comedies like Napoleon Dynamite or Zoolander and then quoting them any chance we got. I took for granted the fact that come August, our baby is leaving for school and those times won’t be as readily available. And I took for granted how much I truly love her and her mom for the wonderful women they are and for all that they have overcome in their lives, respectively. This blog, at times, has not been easy for Rebecca or Kailynn to write, read, or relive. So, like many, I asked the question, “Why write it?” I got that answer in that moment right before the party. Like a book, you can’t get to Chapter 2 without reading Chapter 1. I’m not sure what chapter we’re currently in, but I know that the previous chapters have made us all who we are, for better or for worse. And standing here today, I know that our family, Rebecca and Kailynn in particular, are definitely better. They are both strong, independent, loving, loyal and committed women who would give you the shirt off their backs in time of need. They are full of life and full of love to the point where I often (especially as I write this now) feel this overwhelming wave of emotion and pride looking at our family and our life.
We’ve been blessed in many ways over the past 10 years. We’ve been fortunate enough to travel to beautiful places, vacation as a family and live in a wonderful neighborhood surrounded by fantastic, supportive people. But, if you took it all away, I’d still have my family. I’d still have my 2 beautiful daughters, my son, my dog and my loving, beautiful wife. And you know what? That’d be fine by me. If you compare a family to a puzzle, each piece has its own unique edges and curves. It cannot fit into place without the adjacent piece in place as well. Kailynn and Rebecca are two pieces that always seem to be a lynchpin for the puzzle. Their composure, grace and unique style of leadership and support are amazing and yes, I have also taken that for granted. I’m speechless, yes I know that’s a shocker, when I begin to take a stroll down memory lane, but what I didn’t tell you all is that this is only part one of the guest blog entries. But, it had to start somewhere. Part two will not be procrastinated, I promise. I also promise that it will be an entertaining stroll with many laughs and maybe a few tears. And it will all start at Lakota High School when I met the love of my life in between classes during my junior year of high school. To be continued……….
There are times in life that are beyond comprehension. The death of a loved one, or an awful life occurrence. It’s tough to understand why or how, but that is simply a road leading you to a destination that you never dreamed of. I confess that Rebecca and I both had those moments in life that we didn’t understand at the time, but led us where we are. We have a great God that simply asks us to have faith in his plan. And although we would have preferred to reach our destination with less pain and strife, we have been blessed to end up where we are.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Take that Suckers!
Hello again! I am so excited to write today! I feel like most of this blog has been about unfortunate events and today I am writing about an amazing moment in my life…
After my miscarriage, I got pregnant again right away and had the most beautiful, sweet baby girl. I named her Sara, after my grandma. It was such a different experience being pregnant AND married. Everyone was happy for me and I didn't feel embarrassed or ashamed. Thankfully I had an easy pregnancy and loved every minute of being pregnant. When Sara was born, I was overcome with joy. I would spend my whole day holding her while Joey was at work and Kailynn was at school. I know some people believe that you can hold a baby too much but, I disagree. When Kailynn was 4 weeks old, I was starting my senior year in high school. I missed out on so much of Kailynn being a baby (as most working mothers do) that I knew how precious this time was with Sara and didn't care how much I held her and loved on her. Joey and I had discussed if I would be a stay at home mom before we ever got married. It was part of a questionnaire we did in a book to help prepare us for marriage. I enjoyed working and was used to having "my" money and it was going to be a huge adjustment mentally and financially for me. Again, I was used to being independent and didn't really rely on anyone. The best decision I ever made was to quit my job and stay at home. Don't get me wrong, it definitely took a toll on us. We had to learn to survive with one income and two children. I'm still not sure how we got through it:) It was Sara's first birthday when I discovered that I was going to have another baby. Kailynn was loving being a big sister but when I told her we were going to have another baby, her response was, "is this some kind of sick joke?" She was 9 1/2 years old. But then again, when she was 6 she said something else that took me by surprise. Joey and I were just about married and he told her if she wanted to call him daddy, he would be okay with it. She looked him square in the eye and told him she thought it would be best to wait until we were married. You can imagine the expression on our faces. It was as if she was telling him, "hold your horses buddy, I'm not yours…yet."
Anyway, once we were married she started calling him daddy. I don't even remember the first time. Maybe because it seemed so natural. So once I was expecting again, Joey really got serious about adopting Kailynn. He felt it was unfair to Kailynn that we all have the same last name except for her. So we did some research and decided it would be best to get an attorney. We didn't really have the money but it was something that was well worth the sacrifice. I'm still shocked at the whole process and how out dated it is. You literally have to put an "ad" in the paper stating your child is "up for adoption" in the event anyone and their brother wants to contest it. Blah, still makes me a little sick. Not that I think it should be done secretively, but couldn't we just notify Stan privately? We had to send certified letters and our attorney did all the proper paperwork. On the day of our hearing, I thought I was going to through up in the parking lot. Joey had to have three letters of recommendation by non family members and prove why he wanted to be Kailynn's dad. It seemed so obvious to me why he should be her legal father and so silly to stand before a judge and state our case. But, it's the law. We entered the courtroom. I nervously scanned the room, NO STAN, shwewww! The judge came out and asked our attorney to state our case. She began explaining that the "biological father" has had zero contact with "the child" since she was 18 months old. Honestly, I'd rather not share all the details. Bottom line, Kailynn had to sit there and listen to how she was abandoned by her own father. It made me sick. I was so excited to have things legally changed that it never occurred to me what she would have to sit and listen to. Why couldn't she wait in the hallway? Was it really necessary for her to hear all this? Needless to say, there wasn't a dry eye on our side. Our family had come to support us and it was very emotional for us all. We left there that day with a smile that could light up the sky. The judge agreed that Joey had every right to legally adopt Kailynn and commended him on his efforts thus far. He then presented Kailynn with a special American flag pendant. Joey and Kailynn got their picture with the judge and then we did what any normal family does. Had a huge party! It was so amazing to see all the love and support we had. Joey stepped up to the plate big time and even though we didn't need a paper to tell us he was her "real" dad. It's nice to know he wanted to go the extra mile to make sure Kailynn had his name on her birth certificate.
It's funny because we live our lives everyday without thinking of those important moments. That's what I love about this blog! It forces me not only to talk about the past, good and bad, but to remember it. Reminds me of how proud I am of Joey for being a man that not everyone can be. It's moments like this that I can't for the life of me imagine my life without him. He would say that he did what anybody would do. But the reality is that there a lot of people who wouldn't go that extra step. He may have the most thoughtful soul of anyone I know. Kailynn, I know you didn't ask for any of this, but I hope you realize how blessed you are to have daddy. I pray that one day (not anytime soon) you find a man that loves you half as much as he does.
And so I leave you today with this confession:
I'm happy Joey adopted Kailynn for my own selfish reasons. When I think of the 16 year old girl sitting with Stan and Mrs. Stan at their kitchen table, I smile because I feel like justice had been served. I feel such an urge to stand up and shout, "take that suckers!"
After my miscarriage, I got pregnant again right away and had the most beautiful, sweet baby girl. I named her Sara, after my grandma. It was such a different experience being pregnant AND married. Everyone was happy for me and I didn't feel embarrassed or ashamed. Thankfully I had an easy pregnancy and loved every minute of being pregnant. When Sara was born, I was overcome with joy. I would spend my whole day holding her while Joey was at work and Kailynn was at school. I know some people believe that you can hold a baby too much but, I disagree. When Kailynn was 4 weeks old, I was starting my senior year in high school. I missed out on so much of Kailynn being a baby (as most working mothers do) that I knew how precious this time was with Sara and didn't care how much I held her and loved on her. Joey and I had discussed if I would be a stay at home mom before we ever got married. It was part of a questionnaire we did in a book to help prepare us for marriage. I enjoyed working and was used to having "my" money and it was going to be a huge adjustment mentally and financially for me. Again, I was used to being independent and didn't really rely on anyone. The best decision I ever made was to quit my job and stay at home. Don't get me wrong, it definitely took a toll on us. We had to learn to survive with one income and two children. I'm still not sure how we got through it:) It was Sara's first birthday when I discovered that I was going to have another baby. Kailynn was loving being a big sister but when I told her we were going to have another baby, her response was, "is this some kind of sick joke?" She was 9 1/2 years old. But then again, when she was 6 she said something else that took me by surprise. Joey and I were just about married and he told her if she wanted to call him daddy, he would be okay with it. She looked him square in the eye and told him she thought it would be best to wait until we were married. You can imagine the expression on our faces. It was as if she was telling him, "hold your horses buddy, I'm not yours…yet."
Anyway, once we were married she started calling him daddy. I don't even remember the first time. Maybe because it seemed so natural. So once I was expecting again, Joey really got serious about adopting Kailynn. He felt it was unfair to Kailynn that we all have the same last name except for her. So we did some research and decided it would be best to get an attorney. We didn't really have the money but it was something that was well worth the sacrifice. I'm still shocked at the whole process and how out dated it is. You literally have to put an "ad" in the paper stating your child is "up for adoption" in the event anyone and their brother wants to contest it. Blah, still makes me a little sick. Not that I think it should be done secretively, but couldn't we just notify Stan privately? We had to send certified letters and our attorney did all the proper paperwork. On the day of our hearing, I thought I was going to through up in the parking lot. Joey had to have three letters of recommendation by non family members and prove why he wanted to be Kailynn's dad. It seemed so obvious to me why he should be her legal father and so silly to stand before a judge and state our case. But, it's the law. We entered the courtroom. I nervously scanned the room, NO STAN, shwewww! The judge came out and asked our attorney to state our case. She began explaining that the "biological father" has had zero contact with "the child" since she was 18 months old. Honestly, I'd rather not share all the details. Bottom line, Kailynn had to sit there and listen to how she was abandoned by her own father. It made me sick. I was so excited to have things legally changed that it never occurred to me what she would have to sit and listen to. Why couldn't she wait in the hallway? Was it really necessary for her to hear all this? Needless to say, there wasn't a dry eye on our side. Our family had come to support us and it was very emotional for us all. We left there that day with a smile that could light up the sky. The judge agreed that Joey had every right to legally adopt Kailynn and commended him on his efforts thus far. He then presented Kailynn with a special American flag pendant. Joey and Kailynn got their picture with the judge and then we did what any normal family does. Had a huge party! It was so amazing to see all the love and support we had. Joey stepped up to the plate big time and even though we didn't need a paper to tell us he was her "real" dad. It's nice to know he wanted to go the extra mile to make sure Kailynn had his name on her birth certificate.
It's funny because we live our lives everyday without thinking of those important moments. That's what I love about this blog! It forces me not only to talk about the past, good and bad, but to remember it. Reminds me of how proud I am of Joey for being a man that not everyone can be. It's moments like this that I can't for the life of me imagine my life without him. He would say that he did what anybody would do. But the reality is that there a lot of people who wouldn't go that extra step. He may have the most thoughtful soul of anyone I know. Kailynn, I know you didn't ask for any of this, but I hope you realize how blessed you are to have daddy. I pray that one day (not anytime soon) you find a man that loves you half as much as he does.
And so I leave you today with this confession:
I'm happy Joey adopted Kailynn for my own selfish reasons. When I think of the 16 year old girl sitting with Stan and Mrs. Stan at their kitchen table, I smile because I feel like justice had been served. I feel such an urge to stand up and shout, "take that suckers!"
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Long time, no write
Good morning! Yes, I have taken quite a long time to blog and I apologize to those who actually enjoy reading Confessions of a Teenage Mother. I could list a million different excuses why I haven't written but, it doesn't really matter. Today I am here and ready to share and that's what is most important. I just read my last post to remind myself where I left off and I am still smiling ear to ear:)
In the last few months I have been completely inundated with the whole college process. I can honestly say that I've been obsessed. (I'm sure Kailynn is agreeing as she is reading this) There for a while I was spending my days researching every school under the sun that I thought she might like, what programs they had, the safety of the campus, the cost, I even looked at several of their calendars so I would have some idea of when she would be leaving, come home, leave again. It seriously was ridiculous. What in the world was all this information doing for me? It certainly wasn't comforting. Anyway, I am jumping ahead. Let me pick up where I last left off...
So Joey and I got engaged and it was amazing. It's funny how some people can genuinely be happy for you and then others can genuinely NOT be happy for you. Jealousy is an ugly thing, isn't it? I'm not saying that I've never been jealous of anyone, I think we all have. But it is strange when you have been through so much at a young age and then you realize that some people truly will never be happy for you. I still felt myself seeking approval and wanting people to pat me on the back and say "good job, Rebecca! You've beaten the odds" or "I knew you'd overcome your past". Or most importantly, "you deserve to be happy with Joey after all you've been through." The reality is, I'm not sure that it mattered what anyone else said. I still felt unworthy. It was a ME problem, not a them problem. I have to remind myself that I was barely 22 years old. Even though I had been through more than the average girl my age, I still had a whole life ahead of me. I really thought I knew it all. Isnt' that normal though? Don't we all think we know it all when we are in the moment? Then a few years (or 10+) go by and we look back and realize we were so young, immature, and clueless! I'm not ashamed to admit that. But oh how I would love a time machine. I would love to get back the time I spent worrying about what others thought:)
Joey and I were engaged July 6, 2002 and married June 14, 2003. It was a hectic 11 months but it all turned out beautifully. During the ceremony, Joey took a minute to give Kailynn a little diamond necklace we had bought for her. It had three tiny diamonds clustered together and it was to signify the three of us becoming a family. I'm not sure there was a dry eye in the church. I can remember standing there looking down at her and wondering if she really understood the meaning of all that was going on. She was almost 7 but stood there as if she were 16. She looked absolutely beautiful! One of my favorite pictures from my wedding day is of the three of us walking down the isle hand in hand. It really wasn't a day about me, the bride, it was a day for Kailynn. She was finally getting what everyone else had...a set of parents. I have often told the story of when Joey and I were engaged and he told her one day that if she wanted to call him "dad" that he would be okay with it. She looked him square in the eyes and told him that she wanted to wait until we were married. It still makes me laugh. It was as if she wanted to remind him that she wasn't his...yet. And again, her maturity and ability to not get swept away in the bliss was amazing to me. Kind of like, "hold your horses buddy" kind of attitude. She truly is one of a kind. I wish I remembered the first time she actually did call him "daddy".
After all the hype died down, we decided were ready to expand our family. I didn't want to wait too long because Kailynn was already 7 and I wanted her to be close in age to her siblings. I knew I would get pregnant right away because I hadn't "tried" before and look how that turned out:) To my surprise it took a few months. I was beyond excited. To be pregnant and be proud of it was a feeling that I had never experienced before. I tried my best to keep quiet until the 12 week safe zone before I told anyone. I was busting at the seams (figuratively, not physically) and wanted to shout it from the rooftop! I'm having a baby!!! Of course we told our close family and friends right away but, after a few weeks, I told Kailynn. Then, after 10 weeks I told my work. I had already looked on the Chinese calendar and tried to see if I was going to have a boy or a girl. It was so premature but my excitement was unbearable. I love babies and would have had a lot more if they stayed newborn longer. At 11 weeks, to the day, I woke up and felt cramping. I called the doctor and they said it was normal and to stay off my feet and try to rest. It sent panic straight through me. As the day progressed it only worsened and I just knew something was wrong. I eventually ended up at the hospital where I had an emergency DNC and had to face the realization that I had a miscarriage. Words can not explain the pain I felt in my heart. WHY??? Why would I have a miscarriage WHY NOW??? I am married to an amazing man. I WANTED to be pregnant! I "TRIED" for crying out loud. Was this some kind of sick joke that God was playing on me? I can't speak for everyone who has ever had a miscarriage but, for me, I totally blamed myself. I must of done something, ate something, drank something. What did I do? I was absolutely devastated. I remember coming home from the hospital and laying in my bed. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. Joey came into the room and laid next to me. I could see the hurt on his face. We laid there sobbing, unable to say a word. I kept wondering how in the world was I going to explain this to Kailynn. As usual, she took it like a champ. We picked her up from school and took her to get ice cream. It's amazing what ice cream can do for the soul. We explained that I wasn't going to have a baby and she was sad but didn't really ask a lot of questions. Once again, she realized I needed her more that she needed me so she spared me the duty of explaining and accepted the fact it was sad and I really didn't want to talk about it.
I don't want to leave you on a sad note, so I will tell you that I have had two more healthy beautiful children. I am so thankful for the way things turned out. God had a plan for me and again I was blindsided. I've always wanted to know if my baby was a boy or a girl. I felt like I should have been able to know so I could have given him/her a name. I'm not trying to get all political but my baby was a person to me. Poor little thing just couldn't make it. I realize now that I would not have Sara or Tommy had I actually carried my baby full term. How can I possibly wish things had turned out differently? So for the sake of closure, I will name my baby Pat. (boy or girl) Okay, that was completely inappropriate and I am now trying to use humor as a coping mechanism because I literally just stopped sobbing like a baby. I have a sick sense of humor, I know! Sorry if I offended anyone:)
Finally, after months of neglect....here is my next confession.
I confess: I have a love/hate relationship with the past. I've learned so much from my experiences, which I love. But I hate the fact that sometimes a past experience can really hurt your heart. Am I really that much wiser? Only time will tell.
In the last few months I have been completely inundated with the whole college process. I can honestly say that I've been obsessed. (I'm sure Kailynn is agreeing as she is reading this) There for a while I was spending my days researching every school under the sun that I thought she might like, what programs they had, the safety of the campus, the cost, I even looked at several of their calendars so I would have some idea of when she would be leaving, come home, leave again. It seriously was ridiculous. What in the world was all this information doing for me? It certainly wasn't comforting. Anyway, I am jumping ahead. Let me pick up where I last left off...
So Joey and I got engaged and it was amazing. It's funny how some people can genuinely be happy for you and then others can genuinely NOT be happy for you. Jealousy is an ugly thing, isn't it? I'm not saying that I've never been jealous of anyone, I think we all have. But it is strange when you have been through so much at a young age and then you realize that some people truly will never be happy for you. I still felt myself seeking approval and wanting people to pat me on the back and say "good job, Rebecca! You've beaten the odds" or "I knew you'd overcome your past". Or most importantly, "you deserve to be happy with Joey after all you've been through." The reality is, I'm not sure that it mattered what anyone else said. I still felt unworthy. It was a ME problem, not a them problem. I have to remind myself that I was barely 22 years old. Even though I had been through more than the average girl my age, I still had a whole life ahead of me. I really thought I knew it all. Isnt' that normal though? Don't we all think we know it all when we are in the moment? Then a few years (or 10+) go by and we look back and realize we were so young, immature, and clueless! I'm not ashamed to admit that. But oh how I would love a time machine. I would love to get back the time I spent worrying about what others thought:)
Joey and I were engaged July 6, 2002 and married June 14, 2003. It was a hectic 11 months but it all turned out beautifully. During the ceremony, Joey took a minute to give Kailynn a little diamond necklace we had bought for her. It had three tiny diamonds clustered together and it was to signify the three of us becoming a family. I'm not sure there was a dry eye in the church. I can remember standing there looking down at her and wondering if she really understood the meaning of all that was going on. She was almost 7 but stood there as if she were 16. She looked absolutely beautiful! One of my favorite pictures from my wedding day is of the three of us walking down the isle hand in hand. It really wasn't a day about me, the bride, it was a day for Kailynn. She was finally getting what everyone else had...a set of parents. I have often told the story of when Joey and I were engaged and he told her one day that if she wanted to call him "dad" that he would be okay with it. She looked him square in the eyes and told him that she wanted to wait until we were married. It still makes me laugh. It was as if she wanted to remind him that she wasn't his...yet. And again, her maturity and ability to not get swept away in the bliss was amazing to me. Kind of like, "hold your horses buddy" kind of attitude. She truly is one of a kind. I wish I remembered the first time she actually did call him "daddy".
After all the hype died down, we decided were ready to expand our family. I didn't want to wait too long because Kailynn was already 7 and I wanted her to be close in age to her siblings. I knew I would get pregnant right away because I hadn't "tried" before and look how that turned out:) To my surprise it took a few months. I was beyond excited. To be pregnant and be proud of it was a feeling that I had never experienced before. I tried my best to keep quiet until the 12 week safe zone before I told anyone. I was busting at the seams (figuratively, not physically) and wanted to shout it from the rooftop! I'm having a baby!!! Of course we told our close family and friends right away but, after a few weeks, I told Kailynn. Then, after 10 weeks I told my work. I had already looked on the Chinese calendar and tried to see if I was going to have a boy or a girl. It was so premature but my excitement was unbearable. I love babies and would have had a lot more if they stayed newborn longer. At 11 weeks, to the day, I woke up and felt cramping. I called the doctor and they said it was normal and to stay off my feet and try to rest. It sent panic straight through me. As the day progressed it only worsened and I just knew something was wrong. I eventually ended up at the hospital where I had an emergency DNC and had to face the realization that I had a miscarriage. Words can not explain the pain I felt in my heart. WHY??? Why would I have a miscarriage WHY NOW??? I am married to an amazing man. I WANTED to be pregnant! I "TRIED" for crying out loud. Was this some kind of sick joke that God was playing on me? I can't speak for everyone who has ever had a miscarriage but, for me, I totally blamed myself. I must of done something, ate something, drank something. What did I do? I was absolutely devastated. I remember coming home from the hospital and laying in my bed. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. Joey came into the room and laid next to me. I could see the hurt on his face. We laid there sobbing, unable to say a word. I kept wondering how in the world was I going to explain this to Kailynn. As usual, she took it like a champ. We picked her up from school and took her to get ice cream. It's amazing what ice cream can do for the soul. We explained that I wasn't going to have a baby and she was sad but didn't really ask a lot of questions. Once again, she realized I needed her more that she needed me so she spared me the duty of explaining and accepted the fact it was sad and I really didn't want to talk about it.
I don't want to leave you on a sad note, so I will tell you that I have had two more healthy beautiful children. I am so thankful for the way things turned out. God had a plan for me and again I was blindsided. I've always wanted to know if my baby was a boy or a girl. I felt like I should have been able to know so I could have given him/her a name. I'm not trying to get all political but my baby was a person to me. Poor little thing just couldn't make it. I realize now that I would not have Sara or Tommy had I actually carried my baby full term. How can I possibly wish things had turned out differently? So for the sake of closure, I will name my baby Pat. (boy or girl) Okay, that was completely inappropriate and I am now trying to use humor as a coping mechanism because I literally just stopped sobbing like a baby. I have a sick sense of humor, I know! Sorry if I offended anyone:)
Finally, after months of neglect....here is my next confession.
I confess: I have a love/hate relationship with the past. I've learned so much from my experiences, which I love. But I hate the fact that sometimes a past experience can really hurt your heart. Am I really that much wiser? Only time will tell.
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