I feel like such a slacker. My intentions were to have a more completed blog at this point. The truth is, I was putting off writing because the pressure of the truth can be so overwhelming at times. Then I felt like I was jumping all over the place. I have so much more to say to Kailynn and my time with her is slipping away so quickly. So I'm going to try my best to sum it up in this entry. After all, she will be 18 tomorrow and this is one of her gifts!
To my sweet Kailynn,
This is harder than I thought. I would rather say nothing than to admit you are leaving home in a month and the dynamics of our family will forever be changed. I'm overwhelmed with sadness, excitement, nervousness, pride, fear, happiness, and every other emotion you can imagine. I cannot wrap my head around the fact you will be 18 tomorrow. Even though I don't think being 18 makes someone an adult, it does mean that you are turning a page and closing a chapter in your childhood. You are leaving home and living independently for the first time amongst a bunch of strangers for crying out loud! I wish you the best and want you to follow your dreams no matter how crazy they might seem. You are one of the strongest people I know and I am lucky to be your mom. Here is some motherly advice I feel is important moving forward:
1. Choose your friends wisely! Don't waste your time thinking you can change someone or that they will change just to be your friend. Not to sound cynical but, people are naturally selfish. Surround yourself with people who will build you up and be the kind of friend that you expect people to be to you. It's ALWAYS a two way street:)
2. Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT fall in love with the first boy that gives you attention. You have four years of school ahead of you and it should be fun and adventurous. (not too much!)
3. Remember to always respect yourself.
4. Know your limitations
5. Don't forget God is always with you
6. Remember, Daddy and I will always be here for you.
7. Knowledge truly is power even if you don't get paid for it.
8. Don't sweat the small stuff. The past is exactly that, the PAST. Move on! Basically, don't be a victim.
9. I prefer not to be a grandma before 40:)
10. Last but not least….please do not become an all American girl-next-door heroine addict. I saw an Oprah special about good girls gone bad and thought I should at least mention it!
11. Learn to forgive yourself!
In all seriousness, please be true to yourself and know that you have a support system that loves you very much.
I hope this blog has given you some type of insight to my past and you understand that I'm not ashamed anymore. I'm hoping my brutal honesty will make you proud of our journey together. I know it has empowered me in ways I didn't think possible. Putting yourself out there can be very hard at times but, it can also be very rewarding. I know it hasn't been easy for you to read (especially me losing my virginity…ewww!) but I'm glad you did. My true intent was to allow you to see me vulnerable and to let you know I haven't always been perfect:) You will inevitably make mistakes and it's up to you to overcome them. No one can do it for you…not even me!
HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY!!
Love,
Your Mother
My confession:
First of all, I am so thankful to all of the people who have shown interest in my personal diary. I have had over 12,000 hits on this blog! It's funny to run into someone I haven't seen in a long time and they tell me they love my blog. Or the people who I see all the time that ask me when I'm going to write again. I think I've mentioned this before (it's been so long, I'm not sure) but I didn't really expect anyone to read it, let alone comment on it but most of all, connect to it. So many people have connected in different ways. Some to me, some to Kailynn, to Joey, my parents, my in-laws, everyone in a different way. The amount of pressure I began to feel was crazy! I wrote so much in the beginning because I wanted to get it all out. It was like a poison festering inside that I needed sucked out all at once or else it would be left lingering, waiting to surface again at another time. I wanted all the shame and guilt gone, for good. I didn't realize how tight of a grasp my past had on me. It has been beyond liberating to be honest to the point of humility. Then, once all the past was out, I felt the future creeping up on me and I didn't want to face it. I dread moving Kailynn into her dorm. I want a redo with her! After all the purging came regret. Seriously, how could I have been so blind? How did I waste so much time and energy on losers when I had this amazing child in front of me? Bottom line…she deserved better. That is a hard pill to swallow. I know, I know, if I didn't make the choices I had made, then I wouldn't we wouldn't be where we are now. Can't I have both? A redo and the present? The answer is no. So I am left with the reality of my choices, good and bad, and have to find a way to forgive myself. Which is always the biggest challenge of all. I'm adding a #11 to my motherly advice now. I don't want to say this blog is over because I will always be a "teenage mother" but for now, my story is on pause. Thank you so much for being a part of this amazing unfinished story:)
Love,
Rebecca
Friday, July 25, 2014
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Better Late Than Never - Joey guest entry
Rebecca Blog, guest entry
I truly believe that sometimes, things happen for a reason. Right now is one of those times. See, my wife has been on me about guest blogging for her unbelievable blog she has poured her heart and soul into for the past year, and I put it off longer than I should have. Shocker right, that a guy procrastinated and waited til the 11th hour to finish something? No way. Well, thank God I did because I have the angle and the conviction that I needed to do this the right way.
See, the timing was perfect with last weekend being one of our biggest weekends as parents life to date. Our oldest, Kailynn, graduated from High School. And, in the spirit of the blog, I will also use my own names, chosen with reason for those involved in my entries. As any parent that has experienced a graduation can tell you, it’s a stressful time. For a minute there, I thought that we were having the Royal Wedding at our house the way it was being cleaned, prepped and staged for the big Grad party. But, like any big event, when the prep work is done and the hour is upon you, all you can do is sit back and enjoy the ride. Speaking personally, I decided that’s what I was going to do. So, the caterer, who some call our second home, did their part, the house was spotless, the weather was spot on, and the drinks were on ice waiting to be consumed. All we needed were the people to celebrate with. It was in that 11th hour that I realized why we were doing this. Like a wedding, the stress of the event can misdirect the reasons why you’re doing it in the first place. I wasn’t going to let that happen. In that calm before the storm, I had a chance to reflect on what was most important. And that thing was Kailynn. Not just Kailynn, but Kailynn’s unique dynamic in how she and Rebecca shaped the landscape of our family.
For 12 years I have been blessed to be a part of something so incredible that at times, I took it for granted. I took for granted how mature she is, has been and always will be. I took for granted how we lucked out in not having to worry about her making awful decisions with drugs, alocohol, boys or school. I took for granted the time we had together watching punch drunk comedies like Napoleon Dynamite or Zoolander and then quoting them any chance we got. I took for granted the fact that come August, our baby is leaving for school and those times won’t be as readily available. And I took for granted how much I truly love her and her mom for the wonderful women they are and for all that they have overcome in their lives, respectively. This blog, at times, has not been easy for Rebecca or Kailynn to write, read, or relive. So, like many, I asked the question, “Why write it?” I got that answer in that moment right before the party. Like a book, you can’t get to Chapter 2 without reading Chapter 1. I’m not sure what chapter we’re currently in, but I know that the previous chapters have made us all who we are, for better or for worse. And standing here today, I know that our family, Rebecca and Kailynn in particular, are definitely better. They are both strong, independent, loving, loyal and committed women who would give you the shirt off their backs in time of need. They are full of life and full of love to the point where I often (especially as I write this now) feel this overwhelming wave of emotion and pride looking at our family and our life.
We’ve been blessed in many ways over the past 10 years. We’ve been fortunate enough to travel to beautiful places, vacation as a family and live in a wonderful neighborhood surrounded by fantastic, supportive people. But, if you took it all away, I’d still have my family. I’d still have my 2 beautiful daughters, my son, my dog and my loving, beautiful wife. And you know what? That’d be fine by me. If you compare a family to a puzzle, each piece has its own unique edges and curves. It cannot fit into place without the adjacent piece in place as well. Kailynn and Rebecca are two pieces that always seem to be a lynchpin for the puzzle. Their composure, grace and unique style of leadership and support are amazing and yes, I have also taken that for granted. I’m speechless, yes I know that’s a shocker, when I begin to take a stroll down memory lane, but what I didn’t tell you all is that this is only part one of the guest blog entries. But, it had to start somewhere. Part two will not be procrastinated, I promise. I also promise that it will be an entertaining stroll with many laughs and maybe a few tears. And it will all start at Lakota High School when I met the love of my life in between classes during my junior year of high school. To be continued……….
My confession:
There are times in life that are beyond comprehension. The death of a loved one, or an awful life occurrence. It’s tough to understand why or how, but that is simply a road leading you to a destination that you never dreamed of. I confess that Rebecca and I both had those moments in life that we didn’t understand at the time, but led us where we are. We have a great God that simply asks us to have faith in his plan. And although we would have preferred to reach our destination with less pain and strife, we have been blessed to end up where we are.
See, the timing was perfect with last weekend being one of our biggest weekends as parents life to date. Our oldest, Kailynn, graduated from High School. And, in the spirit of the blog, I will also use my own names, chosen with reason for those involved in my entries. As any parent that has experienced a graduation can tell you, it’s a stressful time. For a minute there, I thought that we were having the Royal Wedding at our house the way it was being cleaned, prepped and staged for the big Grad party. But, like any big event, when the prep work is done and the hour is upon you, all you can do is sit back and enjoy the ride. Speaking personally, I decided that’s what I was going to do. So, the caterer, who some call our second home, did their part, the house was spotless, the weather was spot on, and the drinks were on ice waiting to be consumed. All we needed were the people to celebrate with. It was in that 11th hour that I realized why we were doing this. Like a wedding, the stress of the event can misdirect the reasons why you’re doing it in the first place. I wasn’t going to let that happen. In that calm before the storm, I had a chance to reflect on what was most important. And that thing was Kailynn. Not just Kailynn, but Kailynn’s unique dynamic in how she and Rebecca shaped the landscape of our family.
For 12 years I have been blessed to be a part of something so incredible that at times, I took it for granted. I took for granted how mature she is, has been and always will be. I took for granted how we lucked out in not having to worry about her making awful decisions with drugs, alocohol, boys or school. I took for granted the time we had together watching punch drunk comedies like Napoleon Dynamite or Zoolander and then quoting them any chance we got. I took for granted the fact that come August, our baby is leaving for school and those times won’t be as readily available. And I took for granted how much I truly love her and her mom for the wonderful women they are and for all that they have overcome in their lives, respectively. This blog, at times, has not been easy for Rebecca or Kailynn to write, read, or relive. So, like many, I asked the question, “Why write it?” I got that answer in that moment right before the party. Like a book, you can’t get to Chapter 2 without reading Chapter 1. I’m not sure what chapter we’re currently in, but I know that the previous chapters have made us all who we are, for better or for worse. And standing here today, I know that our family, Rebecca and Kailynn in particular, are definitely better. They are both strong, independent, loving, loyal and committed women who would give you the shirt off their backs in time of need. They are full of life and full of love to the point where I often (especially as I write this now) feel this overwhelming wave of emotion and pride looking at our family and our life.
We’ve been blessed in many ways over the past 10 years. We’ve been fortunate enough to travel to beautiful places, vacation as a family and live in a wonderful neighborhood surrounded by fantastic, supportive people. But, if you took it all away, I’d still have my family. I’d still have my 2 beautiful daughters, my son, my dog and my loving, beautiful wife. And you know what? That’d be fine by me. If you compare a family to a puzzle, each piece has its own unique edges and curves. It cannot fit into place without the adjacent piece in place as well. Kailynn and Rebecca are two pieces that always seem to be a lynchpin for the puzzle. Their composure, grace and unique style of leadership and support are amazing and yes, I have also taken that for granted. I’m speechless, yes I know that’s a shocker, when I begin to take a stroll down memory lane, but what I didn’t tell you all is that this is only part one of the guest blog entries. But, it had to start somewhere. Part two will not be procrastinated, I promise. I also promise that it will be an entertaining stroll with many laughs and maybe a few tears. And it will all start at Lakota High School when I met the love of my life in between classes during my junior year of high school. To be continued……….
There are times in life that are beyond comprehension. The death of a loved one, or an awful life occurrence. It’s tough to understand why or how, but that is simply a road leading you to a destination that you never dreamed of. I confess that Rebecca and I both had those moments in life that we didn’t understand at the time, but led us where we are. We have a great God that simply asks us to have faith in his plan. And although we would have preferred to reach our destination with less pain and strife, we have been blessed to end up where we are.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Take that Suckers!
Hello again! I am so excited to write today! I feel like most of this blog has been about unfortunate events and today I am writing about an amazing moment in my life…
After my miscarriage, I got pregnant again right away and had the most beautiful, sweet baby girl. I named her Sara, after my grandma. It was such a different experience being pregnant AND married. Everyone was happy for me and I didn't feel embarrassed or ashamed. Thankfully I had an easy pregnancy and loved every minute of being pregnant. When Sara was born, I was overcome with joy. I would spend my whole day holding her while Joey was at work and Kailynn was at school. I know some people believe that you can hold a baby too much but, I disagree. When Kailynn was 4 weeks old, I was starting my senior year in high school. I missed out on so much of Kailynn being a baby (as most working mothers do) that I knew how precious this time was with Sara and didn't care how much I held her and loved on her. Joey and I had discussed if I would be a stay at home mom before we ever got married. It was part of a questionnaire we did in a book to help prepare us for marriage. I enjoyed working and was used to having "my" money and it was going to be a huge adjustment mentally and financially for me. Again, I was used to being independent and didn't really rely on anyone. The best decision I ever made was to quit my job and stay at home. Don't get me wrong, it definitely took a toll on us. We had to learn to survive with one income and two children. I'm still not sure how we got through it:) It was Sara's first birthday when I discovered that I was going to have another baby. Kailynn was loving being a big sister but when I told her we were going to have another baby, her response was, "is this some kind of sick joke?" She was 9 1/2 years old. But then again, when she was 6 she said something else that took me by surprise. Joey and I were just about married and he told her if she wanted to call him daddy, he would be okay with it. She looked him square in the eye and told him she thought it would be best to wait until we were married. You can imagine the expression on our faces. It was as if she was telling him, "hold your horses buddy, I'm not yours…yet."
Anyway, once we were married she started calling him daddy. I don't even remember the first time. Maybe because it seemed so natural. So once I was expecting again, Joey really got serious about adopting Kailynn. He felt it was unfair to Kailynn that we all have the same last name except for her. So we did some research and decided it would be best to get an attorney. We didn't really have the money but it was something that was well worth the sacrifice. I'm still shocked at the whole process and how out dated it is. You literally have to put an "ad" in the paper stating your child is "up for adoption" in the event anyone and their brother wants to contest it. Blah, still makes me a little sick. Not that I think it should be done secretively, but couldn't we just notify Stan privately? We had to send certified letters and our attorney did all the proper paperwork. On the day of our hearing, I thought I was going to through up in the parking lot. Joey had to have three letters of recommendation by non family members and prove why he wanted to be Kailynn's dad. It seemed so obvious to me why he should be her legal father and so silly to stand before a judge and state our case. But, it's the law. We entered the courtroom. I nervously scanned the room, NO STAN, shwewww! The judge came out and asked our attorney to state our case. She began explaining that the "biological father" has had zero contact with "the child" since she was 18 months old. Honestly, I'd rather not share all the details. Bottom line, Kailynn had to sit there and listen to how she was abandoned by her own father. It made me sick. I was so excited to have things legally changed that it never occurred to me what she would have to sit and listen to. Why couldn't she wait in the hallway? Was it really necessary for her to hear all this? Needless to say, there wasn't a dry eye on our side. Our family had come to support us and it was very emotional for us all. We left there that day with a smile that could light up the sky. The judge agreed that Joey had every right to legally adopt Kailynn and commended him on his efforts thus far. He then presented Kailynn with a special American flag pendant. Joey and Kailynn got their picture with the judge and then we did what any normal family does. Had a huge party! It was so amazing to see all the love and support we had. Joey stepped up to the plate big time and even though we didn't need a paper to tell us he was her "real" dad. It's nice to know he wanted to go the extra mile to make sure Kailynn had his name on her birth certificate.
It's funny because we live our lives everyday without thinking of those important moments. That's what I love about this blog! It forces me not only to talk about the past, good and bad, but to remember it. Reminds me of how proud I am of Joey for being a man that not everyone can be. It's moments like this that I can't for the life of me imagine my life without him. He would say that he did what anybody would do. But the reality is that there a lot of people who wouldn't go that extra step. He may have the most thoughtful soul of anyone I know. Kailynn, I know you didn't ask for any of this, but I hope you realize how blessed you are to have daddy. I pray that one day (not anytime soon) you find a man that loves you half as much as he does.
And so I leave you today with this confession:
I'm happy Joey adopted Kailynn for my own selfish reasons. When I think of the 16 year old girl sitting with Stan and Mrs. Stan at their kitchen table, I smile because I feel like justice had been served. I feel such an urge to stand up and shout, "take that suckers!"
After my miscarriage, I got pregnant again right away and had the most beautiful, sweet baby girl. I named her Sara, after my grandma. It was such a different experience being pregnant AND married. Everyone was happy for me and I didn't feel embarrassed or ashamed. Thankfully I had an easy pregnancy and loved every minute of being pregnant. When Sara was born, I was overcome with joy. I would spend my whole day holding her while Joey was at work and Kailynn was at school. I know some people believe that you can hold a baby too much but, I disagree. When Kailynn was 4 weeks old, I was starting my senior year in high school. I missed out on so much of Kailynn being a baby (as most working mothers do) that I knew how precious this time was with Sara and didn't care how much I held her and loved on her. Joey and I had discussed if I would be a stay at home mom before we ever got married. It was part of a questionnaire we did in a book to help prepare us for marriage. I enjoyed working and was used to having "my" money and it was going to be a huge adjustment mentally and financially for me. Again, I was used to being independent and didn't really rely on anyone. The best decision I ever made was to quit my job and stay at home. Don't get me wrong, it definitely took a toll on us. We had to learn to survive with one income and two children. I'm still not sure how we got through it:) It was Sara's first birthday when I discovered that I was going to have another baby. Kailynn was loving being a big sister but when I told her we were going to have another baby, her response was, "is this some kind of sick joke?" She was 9 1/2 years old. But then again, when she was 6 she said something else that took me by surprise. Joey and I were just about married and he told her if she wanted to call him daddy, he would be okay with it. She looked him square in the eye and told him she thought it would be best to wait until we were married. You can imagine the expression on our faces. It was as if she was telling him, "hold your horses buddy, I'm not yours…yet."
Anyway, once we were married she started calling him daddy. I don't even remember the first time. Maybe because it seemed so natural. So once I was expecting again, Joey really got serious about adopting Kailynn. He felt it was unfair to Kailynn that we all have the same last name except for her. So we did some research and decided it would be best to get an attorney. We didn't really have the money but it was something that was well worth the sacrifice. I'm still shocked at the whole process and how out dated it is. You literally have to put an "ad" in the paper stating your child is "up for adoption" in the event anyone and their brother wants to contest it. Blah, still makes me a little sick. Not that I think it should be done secretively, but couldn't we just notify Stan privately? We had to send certified letters and our attorney did all the proper paperwork. On the day of our hearing, I thought I was going to through up in the parking lot. Joey had to have three letters of recommendation by non family members and prove why he wanted to be Kailynn's dad. It seemed so obvious to me why he should be her legal father and so silly to stand before a judge and state our case. But, it's the law. We entered the courtroom. I nervously scanned the room, NO STAN, shwewww! The judge came out and asked our attorney to state our case. She began explaining that the "biological father" has had zero contact with "the child" since she was 18 months old. Honestly, I'd rather not share all the details. Bottom line, Kailynn had to sit there and listen to how she was abandoned by her own father. It made me sick. I was so excited to have things legally changed that it never occurred to me what she would have to sit and listen to. Why couldn't she wait in the hallway? Was it really necessary for her to hear all this? Needless to say, there wasn't a dry eye on our side. Our family had come to support us and it was very emotional for us all. We left there that day with a smile that could light up the sky. The judge agreed that Joey had every right to legally adopt Kailynn and commended him on his efforts thus far. He then presented Kailynn with a special American flag pendant. Joey and Kailynn got their picture with the judge and then we did what any normal family does. Had a huge party! It was so amazing to see all the love and support we had. Joey stepped up to the plate big time and even though we didn't need a paper to tell us he was her "real" dad. It's nice to know he wanted to go the extra mile to make sure Kailynn had his name on her birth certificate.
It's funny because we live our lives everyday without thinking of those important moments. That's what I love about this blog! It forces me not only to talk about the past, good and bad, but to remember it. Reminds me of how proud I am of Joey for being a man that not everyone can be. It's moments like this that I can't for the life of me imagine my life without him. He would say that he did what anybody would do. But the reality is that there a lot of people who wouldn't go that extra step. He may have the most thoughtful soul of anyone I know. Kailynn, I know you didn't ask for any of this, but I hope you realize how blessed you are to have daddy. I pray that one day (not anytime soon) you find a man that loves you half as much as he does.
And so I leave you today with this confession:
I'm happy Joey adopted Kailynn for my own selfish reasons. When I think of the 16 year old girl sitting with Stan and Mrs. Stan at their kitchen table, I smile because I feel like justice had been served. I feel such an urge to stand up and shout, "take that suckers!"
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Long time, no write
Good morning! Yes, I have taken quite a long time to blog and I apologize to those who actually enjoy reading Confessions of a Teenage Mother. I could list a million different excuses why I haven't written but, it doesn't really matter. Today I am here and ready to share and that's what is most important. I just read my last post to remind myself where I left off and I am still smiling ear to ear:)
In the last few months I have been completely inundated with the whole college process. I can honestly say that I've been obsessed. (I'm sure Kailynn is agreeing as she is reading this) There for a while I was spending my days researching every school under the sun that I thought she might like, what programs they had, the safety of the campus, the cost, I even looked at several of their calendars so I would have some idea of when she would be leaving, come home, leave again. It seriously was ridiculous. What in the world was all this information doing for me? It certainly wasn't comforting. Anyway, I am jumping ahead. Let me pick up where I last left off...
So Joey and I got engaged and it was amazing. It's funny how some people can genuinely be happy for you and then others can genuinely NOT be happy for you. Jealousy is an ugly thing, isn't it? I'm not saying that I've never been jealous of anyone, I think we all have. But it is strange when you have been through so much at a young age and then you realize that some people truly will never be happy for you. I still felt myself seeking approval and wanting people to pat me on the back and say "good job, Rebecca! You've beaten the odds" or "I knew you'd overcome your past". Or most importantly, "you deserve to be happy with Joey after all you've been through." The reality is, I'm not sure that it mattered what anyone else said. I still felt unworthy. It was a ME problem, not a them problem. I have to remind myself that I was barely 22 years old. Even though I had been through more than the average girl my age, I still had a whole life ahead of me. I really thought I knew it all. Isnt' that normal though? Don't we all think we know it all when we are in the moment? Then a few years (or 10+) go by and we look back and realize we were so young, immature, and clueless! I'm not ashamed to admit that. But oh how I would love a time machine. I would love to get back the time I spent worrying about what others thought:)
Joey and I were engaged July 6, 2002 and married June 14, 2003. It was a hectic 11 months but it all turned out beautifully. During the ceremony, Joey took a minute to give Kailynn a little diamond necklace we had bought for her. It had three tiny diamonds clustered together and it was to signify the three of us becoming a family. I'm not sure there was a dry eye in the church. I can remember standing there looking down at her and wondering if she really understood the meaning of all that was going on. She was almost 7 but stood there as if she were 16. She looked absolutely beautiful! One of my favorite pictures from my wedding day is of the three of us walking down the isle hand in hand. It really wasn't a day about me, the bride, it was a day for Kailynn. She was finally getting what everyone else had...a set of parents. I have often told the story of when Joey and I were engaged and he told her one day that if she wanted to call him "dad" that he would be okay with it. She looked him square in the eyes and told him that she wanted to wait until we were married. It still makes me laugh. It was as if she wanted to remind him that she wasn't his...yet. And again, her maturity and ability to not get swept away in the bliss was amazing to me. Kind of like, "hold your horses buddy" kind of attitude. She truly is one of a kind. I wish I remembered the first time she actually did call him "daddy".
After all the hype died down, we decided were ready to expand our family. I didn't want to wait too long because Kailynn was already 7 and I wanted her to be close in age to her siblings. I knew I would get pregnant right away because I hadn't "tried" before and look how that turned out:) To my surprise it took a few months. I was beyond excited. To be pregnant and be proud of it was a feeling that I had never experienced before. I tried my best to keep quiet until the 12 week safe zone before I told anyone. I was busting at the seams (figuratively, not physically) and wanted to shout it from the rooftop! I'm having a baby!!! Of course we told our close family and friends right away but, after a few weeks, I told Kailynn. Then, after 10 weeks I told my work. I had already looked on the Chinese calendar and tried to see if I was going to have a boy or a girl. It was so premature but my excitement was unbearable. I love babies and would have had a lot more if they stayed newborn longer. At 11 weeks, to the day, I woke up and felt cramping. I called the doctor and they said it was normal and to stay off my feet and try to rest. It sent panic straight through me. As the day progressed it only worsened and I just knew something was wrong. I eventually ended up at the hospital where I had an emergency DNC and had to face the realization that I had a miscarriage. Words can not explain the pain I felt in my heart. WHY??? Why would I have a miscarriage WHY NOW??? I am married to an amazing man. I WANTED to be pregnant! I "TRIED" for crying out loud. Was this some kind of sick joke that God was playing on me? I can't speak for everyone who has ever had a miscarriage but, for me, I totally blamed myself. I must of done something, ate something, drank something. What did I do? I was absolutely devastated. I remember coming home from the hospital and laying in my bed. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. Joey came into the room and laid next to me. I could see the hurt on his face. We laid there sobbing, unable to say a word. I kept wondering how in the world was I going to explain this to Kailynn. As usual, she took it like a champ. We picked her up from school and took her to get ice cream. It's amazing what ice cream can do for the soul. We explained that I wasn't going to have a baby and she was sad but didn't really ask a lot of questions. Once again, she realized I needed her more that she needed me so she spared me the duty of explaining and accepted the fact it was sad and I really didn't want to talk about it.
I don't want to leave you on a sad note, so I will tell you that I have had two more healthy beautiful children. I am so thankful for the way things turned out. God had a plan for me and again I was blindsided. I've always wanted to know if my baby was a boy or a girl. I felt like I should have been able to know so I could have given him/her a name. I'm not trying to get all political but my baby was a person to me. Poor little thing just couldn't make it. I realize now that I would not have Sara or Tommy had I actually carried my baby full term. How can I possibly wish things had turned out differently? So for the sake of closure, I will name my baby Pat. (boy or girl) Okay, that was completely inappropriate and I am now trying to use humor as a coping mechanism because I literally just stopped sobbing like a baby. I have a sick sense of humor, I know! Sorry if I offended anyone:)
Finally, after months of neglect....here is my next confession.
I confess: I have a love/hate relationship with the past. I've learned so much from my experiences, which I love. But I hate the fact that sometimes a past experience can really hurt your heart. Am I really that much wiser? Only time will tell.
In the last few months I have been completely inundated with the whole college process. I can honestly say that I've been obsessed. (I'm sure Kailynn is agreeing as she is reading this) There for a while I was spending my days researching every school under the sun that I thought she might like, what programs they had, the safety of the campus, the cost, I even looked at several of their calendars so I would have some idea of when she would be leaving, come home, leave again. It seriously was ridiculous. What in the world was all this information doing for me? It certainly wasn't comforting. Anyway, I am jumping ahead. Let me pick up where I last left off...
So Joey and I got engaged and it was amazing. It's funny how some people can genuinely be happy for you and then others can genuinely NOT be happy for you. Jealousy is an ugly thing, isn't it? I'm not saying that I've never been jealous of anyone, I think we all have. But it is strange when you have been through so much at a young age and then you realize that some people truly will never be happy for you. I still felt myself seeking approval and wanting people to pat me on the back and say "good job, Rebecca! You've beaten the odds" or "I knew you'd overcome your past". Or most importantly, "you deserve to be happy with Joey after all you've been through." The reality is, I'm not sure that it mattered what anyone else said. I still felt unworthy. It was a ME problem, not a them problem. I have to remind myself that I was barely 22 years old. Even though I had been through more than the average girl my age, I still had a whole life ahead of me. I really thought I knew it all. Isnt' that normal though? Don't we all think we know it all when we are in the moment? Then a few years (or 10+) go by and we look back and realize we were so young, immature, and clueless! I'm not ashamed to admit that. But oh how I would love a time machine. I would love to get back the time I spent worrying about what others thought:)
Joey and I were engaged July 6, 2002 and married June 14, 2003. It was a hectic 11 months but it all turned out beautifully. During the ceremony, Joey took a minute to give Kailynn a little diamond necklace we had bought for her. It had three tiny diamonds clustered together and it was to signify the three of us becoming a family. I'm not sure there was a dry eye in the church. I can remember standing there looking down at her and wondering if she really understood the meaning of all that was going on. She was almost 7 but stood there as if she were 16. She looked absolutely beautiful! One of my favorite pictures from my wedding day is of the three of us walking down the isle hand in hand. It really wasn't a day about me, the bride, it was a day for Kailynn. She was finally getting what everyone else had...a set of parents. I have often told the story of when Joey and I were engaged and he told her one day that if she wanted to call him "dad" that he would be okay with it. She looked him square in the eyes and told him that she wanted to wait until we were married. It still makes me laugh. It was as if she wanted to remind him that she wasn't his...yet. And again, her maturity and ability to not get swept away in the bliss was amazing to me. Kind of like, "hold your horses buddy" kind of attitude. She truly is one of a kind. I wish I remembered the first time she actually did call him "daddy".
After all the hype died down, we decided were ready to expand our family. I didn't want to wait too long because Kailynn was already 7 and I wanted her to be close in age to her siblings. I knew I would get pregnant right away because I hadn't "tried" before and look how that turned out:) To my surprise it took a few months. I was beyond excited. To be pregnant and be proud of it was a feeling that I had never experienced before. I tried my best to keep quiet until the 12 week safe zone before I told anyone. I was busting at the seams (figuratively, not physically) and wanted to shout it from the rooftop! I'm having a baby!!! Of course we told our close family and friends right away but, after a few weeks, I told Kailynn. Then, after 10 weeks I told my work. I had already looked on the Chinese calendar and tried to see if I was going to have a boy or a girl. It was so premature but my excitement was unbearable. I love babies and would have had a lot more if they stayed newborn longer. At 11 weeks, to the day, I woke up and felt cramping. I called the doctor and they said it was normal and to stay off my feet and try to rest. It sent panic straight through me. As the day progressed it only worsened and I just knew something was wrong. I eventually ended up at the hospital where I had an emergency DNC and had to face the realization that I had a miscarriage. Words can not explain the pain I felt in my heart. WHY??? Why would I have a miscarriage WHY NOW??? I am married to an amazing man. I WANTED to be pregnant! I "TRIED" for crying out loud. Was this some kind of sick joke that God was playing on me? I can't speak for everyone who has ever had a miscarriage but, for me, I totally blamed myself. I must of done something, ate something, drank something. What did I do? I was absolutely devastated. I remember coming home from the hospital and laying in my bed. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. Joey came into the room and laid next to me. I could see the hurt on his face. We laid there sobbing, unable to say a word. I kept wondering how in the world was I going to explain this to Kailynn. As usual, she took it like a champ. We picked her up from school and took her to get ice cream. It's amazing what ice cream can do for the soul. We explained that I wasn't going to have a baby and she was sad but didn't really ask a lot of questions. Once again, she realized I needed her more that she needed me so she spared me the duty of explaining and accepted the fact it was sad and I really didn't want to talk about it.
I don't want to leave you on a sad note, so I will tell you that I have had two more healthy beautiful children. I am so thankful for the way things turned out. God had a plan for me and again I was blindsided. I've always wanted to know if my baby was a boy or a girl. I felt like I should have been able to know so I could have given him/her a name. I'm not trying to get all political but my baby was a person to me. Poor little thing just couldn't make it. I realize now that I would not have Sara or Tommy had I actually carried my baby full term. How can I possibly wish things had turned out differently? So for the sake of closure, I will name my baby Pat. (boy or girl) Okay, that was completely inappropriate and I am now trying to use humor as a coping mechanism because I literally just stopped sobbing like a baby. I have a sick sense of humor, I know! Sorry if I offended anyone:)
Finally, after months of neglect....here is my next confession.
I confess: I have a love/hate relationship with the past. I've learned so much from my experiences, which I love. But I hate the fact that sometimes a past experience can really hurt your heart. Am I really that much wiser? Only time will tell.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Sail Away
I'm so sorry it has taken me so long to write. I absolutely love telling my story but it can take me a while to finish and I need a block of uninterrupted time. I wish my job was writing. During the day is the only time I am alone and the day flies by when I have a million other things I should be doing! So today I am happy to be sharing my truth to be told, once again:)
Have a mentioned that I HATE surprises? Well, I do. I am very much a detective at heart and really can't help but pry when things don't seem to add up. I am not an easy person to surprise because my sixth sense usually perks up and I know something is coming. With that being said, Joey pulled off the biggest surprise of my life. Bigger than the fact I was pregnant at 16. Let's face it, it doesn't take a detective to figure out what happens if you have unprotected sex.
Joey and I had been dating for about 7 months and we were finding our routine of living together. I went to work one Saturday morning and everything seemed normal when I left. I hated working Saturdays and dreaded leaving in the morning when Joey and Kailynn were going to spend the whole day together without me. It was nearing the end of my workday when I received a call from Joey. He informed me that Kailynn had swimmers ear and was in a lot of pain. I told him to give her some Advil and take it easy until I got home. I was instantly annoyed that I was at work and couldn't take care of her. I began telling my boss that Kailynn wasn't feeling well and that it would be nice if I could leave a little early if we weren't too busy. Things were really slow and about 30 minutes before close, she told me to go ahead and leave. I called Joey to let him know I was on my way home, and he asked me to stop at the store first to get Kailynn orange juice. Honestly, had I not been so concerned with her well being, I would have realized what a weird request this was. Orange juice? How was that going to help her ear?? I told him that I wanted to get home and would go to the store later in case I needed to get any other medicine or items for her. I grabbed my keys and headed home. I worked about 20 minutes away and had no idea what I was about to walk into. As I was getting closer, I hear someone honk their horn and realize that my sister-in-law was passing me. We waved and I drove on. I pull into my parking space and a neighbor stops me and asks me a few questions. I'm not in any mood to socialize, so I tell her Kailynn isn't feeling well and I needed to check on her, we'll talk later. I walk into the front door and I'm baffled. What the heck is going on???
There are roses EVERYWHERE. On the table, in the kitchen, on the TV stand, even rose petals on the floor. Candles are lit and my favorite David Gray song, Sail Away, is playing on the CD player. Then I notice next to the flowers on the table there is a card. Where the heck are Joey and Kailynn? I open the envelope and take out the card. It has a picture of two fish bowls, one with a fish in it, the other with a fish jumping out of his bowl and into the other. I open the card and it says, "We belong together". Um okay, still no clue what's happening. Some detective, right? Joey wrote, "I love you" and "follow the rose petals." I follow them into the living room where there were petals spelling the words, "Love never fails". Then I continue following them up the stair case and into our bedroom. I enter all the way through the doorway and he is standing at the foot of our bed all dressed up. I quickly scan the room and notice there are candles everywhere and my favorite black dress hanging in the bathroom doorway. Then it hits me! OH MY GOSH, he's proposing! How did I not see this coming? When did he plan this? More importantly, HOW did he plan this? He sees the shock on my face and smiles. "What are you doing?" I asked. What was I suppose to say? I was in shock. He gets down on one knee and begins reading something he had written on the back of an envelope from his work stationary. I honestly couldn't understand a word he was saying. I didn't know if I was going to cry or throw up! Was this really happening? Seriously, how did I not see this? Here is what he was actually saying:
There's a million different ways to tell you how I feel--
of the love that we have, so true and so real
You have changed my life, and all I want to be,
You've shown me what love is, and now I'm down on bended knee.
From the minute that I saw you,
I knew that you were the one
You make me so strong I am weak
So happy I am numb.
I don't know how you do it,
but you always find a way
You know exactly how to touch
Exactly what to say.
So to you I say this
From the bottom of my heart
Today until forever, our journey will start.
A journey as a family
the three of us strong
One journey so perfect,
It could never lead us wrong.
I take your hand today
and offer you this ring
To help create the story
Of the princess, queen and king.
I love you more than life
more than you will ever know.
My love will never end
Forever to you I'll show.
I only have one more thing to say,
I think you know what that might be-
Rebecca Lynn Pingley,
I want you to be my wife
Will you marry me?
I really only heard the last line to be honest. I stood there with my hands over my mouth and realized that he had asked me question. I grabbed his hand and pulled him into my arms. Of course I'll marry you! After a poem like that, what was I going to say:) No, seriously, it was the most amazing feeling I'd ever had. No one had ever made me feel as special as he did and he went out of his way to make sure I knew how special I was to him. I was the luckiest girl in the world and I knew it. So, where's Kailynn? How's her ear??? Silly me, it was all made up! He had asked my friends mom to keep her for the night and had dropped her off earlier that day. He was trying to stall me by asking me to get Orange juice because I told him I was leaving early and he still had a million candles to light. When I passed his sister, she had just left because she was helping him set the whole thing up. The neighbor was trying to talk to me to buy him a few more minutes. Thankfully, it all worked out. Oh, and the purpose of the black dress? He made dinner reservations at Tellers, where we had our first date. He had a bottle of champagne on ice in the bathroom sink. We popped it open and called all our family and friends to celebrate the good news. I changed into my dress and we headed to Tellers where we were greeted by a very excited hostess. When Joey made the reservation, he informed them he was going to propose and asked if we could have the exact table where we sat only 7 months ago. She takes us to our table and the manager greets us with a bottle of champagne. Yes! I am a huge fan of champagne. As we are sitting there, Joey tells me that we were supposed to be sitting at the exact table we had our first date and he was a little disappointed because they misunderstood and put us at the table one over from where we had originally sat. And like something out of a movie, I reminded him of who was sitting at the exact table we were now sitting at. It was the little old couple holding hands across the table sharing a bottle of wine. This table was perfect and it was meant for us to sit there! He smiled at me and knew I was right. It was destiny. I loved him so much my heart could explode. I couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with this man.
I know what you are thinking. I made this whole thing up! I seriously am not. Even as I write about it, I am shocked at how awesome my proposal was. I still love Joey so much that my heart could explode, but it's a different more mature love. It's a very respectable love, the kind of love that lasts. But, I have had the best time today revisiting that night and thinking about how amazing it was. He was my prince charming that I had always dreamed of and it's good for me to remember that from time to time. I most certainly don't go around telling him enough! Joey and I are not perfect and by no means do I think we are poster children for marriage. We fight all time over stupid things, not so stupid things, things that matter, mostly over things that don't matter. (Who does more around the house) But at the end of the day, we are honest. We don't want to live our lives without the other. We know we are lucky to have each other and we believe it was God's plan that we be together. It's okay if we aren't perfect, no one is. So let me be completely honest with you now.
I confess:
I would never be the person I am now without Joey Clark and I am proud to admit it.
You are my best friend Clarky! I love you.
Have a mentioned that I HATE surprises? Well, I do. I am very much a detective at heart and really can't help but pry when things don't seem to add up. I am not an easy person to surprise because my sixth sense usually perks up and I know something is coming. With that being said, Joey pulled off the biggest surprise of my life. Bigger than the fact I was pregnant at 16. Let's face it, it doesn't take a detective to figure out what happens if you have unprotected sex.
Joey and I had been dating for about 7 months and we were finding our routine of living together. I went to work one Saturday morning and everything seemed normal when I left. I hated working Saturdays and dreaded leaving in the morning when Joey and Kailynn were going to spend the whole day together without me. It was nearing the end of my workday when I received a call from Joey. He informed me that Kailynn had swimmers ear and was in a lot of pain. I told him to give her some Advil and take it easy until I got home. I was instantly annoyed that I was at work and couldn't take care of her. I began telling my boss that Kailynn wasn't feeling well and that it would be nice if I could leave a little early if we weren't too busy. Things were really slow and about 30 minutes before close, she told me to go ahead and leave. I called Joey to let him know I was on my way home, and he asked me to stop at the store first to get Kailynn orange juice. Honestly, had I not been so concerned with her well being, I would have realized what a weird request this was. Orange juice? How was that going to help her ear?? I told him that I wanted to get home and would go to the store later in case I needed to get any other medicine or items for her. I grabbed my keys and headed home. I worked about 20 minutes away and had no idea what I was about to walk into. As I was getting closer, I hear someone honk their horn and realize that my sister-in-law was passing me. We waved and I drove on. I pull into my parking space and a neighbor stops me and asks me a few questions. I'm not in any mood to socialize, so I tell her Kailynn isn't feeling well and I needed to check on her, we'll talk later. I walk into the front door and I'm baffled. What the heck is going on???
There are roses EVERYWHERE. On the table, in the kitchen, on the TV stand, even rose petals on the floor. Candles are lit and my favorite David Gray song, Sail Away, is playing on the CD player. Then I notice next to the flowers on the table there is a card. Where the heck are Joey and Kailynn? I open the envelope and take out the card. It has a picture of two fish bowls, one with a fish in it, the other with a fish jumping out of his bowl and into the other. I open the card and it says, "We belong together". Um okay, still no clue what's happening. Some detective, right? Joey wrote, "I love you" and "follow the rose petals." I follow them into the living room where there were petals spelling the words, "Love never fails". Then I continue following them up the stair case and into our bedroom. I enter all the way through the doorway and he is standing at the foot of our bed all dressed up. I quickly scan the room and notice there are candles everywhere and my favorite black dress hanging in the bathroom doorway. Then it hits me! OH MY GOSH, he's proposing! How did I not see this coming? When did he plan this? More importantly, HOW did he plan this? He sees the shock on my face and smiles. "What are you doing?" I asked. What was I suppose to say? I was in shock. He gets down on one knee and begins reading something he had written on the back of an envelope from his work stationary. I honestly couldn't understand a word he was saying. I didn't know if I was going to cry or throw up! Was this really happening? Seriously, how did I not see this? Here is what he was actually saying:
There's a million different ways to tell you how I feel--
of the love that we have, so true and so real
You have changed my life, and all I want to be,
You've shown me what love is, and now I'm down on bended knee.
From the minute that I saw you,
I knew that you were the one
You make me so strong I am weak
So happy I am numb.
I don't know how you do it,
but you always find a way
You know exactly how to touch
Exactly what to say.
So to you I say this
From the bottom of my heart
Today until forever, our journey will start.
A journey as a family
the three of us strong
One journey so perfect,
It could never lead us wrong.
I take your hand today
and offer you this ring
To help create the story
Of the princess, queen and king.
I love you more than life
more than you will ever know.
My love will never end
Forever to you I'll show.
I only have one more thing to say,
I think you know what that might be-
Rebecca Lynn Pingley,
I want you to be my wife
Will you marry me?
I really only heard the last line to be honest. I stood there with my hands over my mouth and realized that he had asked me question. I grabbed his hand and pulled him into my arms. Of course I'll marry you! After a poem like that, what was I going to say:) No, seriously, it was the most amazing feeling I'd ever had. No one had ever made me feel as special as he did and he went out of his way to make sure I knew how special I was to him. I was the luckiest girl in the world and I knew it. So, where's Kailynn? How's her ear??? Silly me, it was all made up! He had asked my friends mom to keep her for the night and had dropped her off earlier that day. He was trying to stall me by asking me to get Orange juice because I told him I was leaving early and he still had a million candles to light. When I passed his sister, she had just left because she was helping him set the whole thing up. The neighbor was trying to talk to me to buy him a few more minutes. Thankfully, it all worked out. Oh, and the purpose of the black dress? He made dinner reservations at Tellers, where we had our first date. He had a bottle of champagne on ice in the bathroom sink. We popped it open and called all our family and friends to celebrate the good news. I changed into my dress and we headed to Tellers where we were greeted by a very excited hostess. When Joey made the reservation, he informed them he was going to propose and asked if we could have the exact table where we sat only 7 months ago. She takes us to our table and the manager greets us with a bottle of champagne. Yes! I am a huge fan of champagne. As we are sitting there, Joey tells me that we were supposed to be sitting at the exact table we had our first date and he was a little disappointed because they misunderstood and put us at the table one over from where we had originally sat. And like something out of a movie, I reminded him of who was sitting at the exact table we were now sitting at. It was the little old couple holding hands across the table sharing a bottle of wine. This table was perfect and it was meant for us to sit there! He smiled at me and knew I was right. It was destiny. I loved him so much my heart could explode. I couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with this man.
I know what you are thinking. I made this whole thing up! I seriously am not. Even as I write about it, I am shocked at how awesome my proposal was. I still love Joey so much that my heart could explode, but it's a different more mature love. It's a very respectable love, the kind of love that lasts. But, I have had the best time today revisiting that night and thinking about how amazing it was. He was my prince charming that I had always dreamed of and it's good for me to remember that from time to time. I most certainly don't go around telling him enough! Joey and I are not perfect and by no means do I think we are poster children for marriage. We fight all time over stupid things, not so stupid things, things that matter, mostly over things that don't matter. (Who does more around the house) But at the end of the day, we are honest. We don't want to live our lives without the other. We know we are lucky to have each other and we believe it was God's plan that we be together. It's okay if we aren't perfect, no one is. So let me be completely honest with you now.
I confess:
I would never be the person I am now without Joey Clark and I am proud to admit it.
You are my best friend Clarky! I love you.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
The Big Move
So...today is interesting because I have so much on my mind about what I want to write versus what I should write. Everyone tells me that honesty is the best policy but, sometimes the truth hurts.
Anyway...
Joey returned home from Florida and we began to officially "date". I wanted to keep Kailynn from meeting him in the event things didn't work out. Being a single mom was making this very difficult. After a few weeks I finally realized it was going to be impossible to keep them apart. I couldn't keep getting a babysitter every time we wanted to hang out. He was fine just hanging out at my apartment with the two of us but I was trying my best to keep Kailynn from seeing me in another relationship. Jack had taken a toll on both of us. My work was having a family roller skating get together and I figured this would be the best environment for them to meet. There was going to be lots of other people around and it would take some of the pressure off. Joey was super excited! I told Kailynn that we would be bringing a "friend" with us to the party. For all she knew, it was a girl. I was trying to give the least amount of information possible. She was only five, how much detail did she need? We get to the roller rink and I decide I'm not going to skate because I had recently injured my back. So Joey straps on his skates and off they went. I stood there watching them hold hands and going around in circles. Kailynn would fall and Joey would pick her right back up. She wasn't shy at all! He brings her over to me and she says she needs to use the restroom. The two of us go into the bathroom and while she's in the stall I ask her if she likes Joey. She says, "I kissed that boy!" What?! She explained that she fell and when he picked her up she kissed him on the cheek. Maybe them meeting wasn't a good idea after all. We go into the game room and he begins playing every game he can to win her prizes. She spots a ring in a machine and he spent $10 trying to get the exact ring she wanted. It was absolutely adorable! My heart melted at the sight of him with her. They became instant best buddies. Joey started volunteering to help out by picking her up from daycare so we could meet after I got off work. He took her to the grocery store one time and seriously bought her everything she wanted from the checkout lane! I had to sit them both down and explain how this wasn't going to be a habit. She shouldn't be asking for things and he was going to create monster if he continued to buy her everything she wanted. Looking back, it's amazing to me that the three of us did as well as we did. He didn't know how to date someone with a child, I didn't know how to date someone so loving, and she didn't know how to take the attention she was getting from a male figure. We were all new to this kind of relationship.
After about six months, Joey and I decided to move in together. Again, I questioned if I was doing the right thing for Kailynn. I had told him that I would only move in with him if he truly thought we would get married. He agreed that he didn't want to hurt Kailynn or me and assured me that his intentions were to get married. I had just turned 23 and wasn't expecting to get married any time soon but felt the need to let him know what I was thinking and feeling. I really do think that us moving in together made me realize how much I needed him. I had trained myself not to need any one. It was so nice to know that when I came home, he was going to be there. He never told me one thing and did another. He included us in everything. Was this what a real relationship was like? Was I really worthy of his love? Joey had a way of making me feel like I was HIS gift. That HE was the lucky one. He used to tell me that he had never been in a relationship where he felt so helpless. I made him feel helpless? How? I was the one who was helpless. Didn't he realize he could do so much better than me? He could have anyone he wanted, and he chose ME? It's really hard for me to admit I felt this way because it seems so weak. Years of emotional stress had led me to believe I wasn't worth anything to anyone. In fact, he almost loved me too much. I had my wall up and didn't believe half the stuff he said. It often made me annoyed when he told me how much he loved me. What was he trying to prove? We had many arguments over if he was genuine or not. I honestly didn't know how to be in a positive relationship. I am by NO means saying that it was all rainbows and butterflies. But seriously, when I think of how hard it was for us starting out, it's amazing to me what a good job we actually did. I know I already said that but it's so true. All relationships are hard and we were starting ours off with a lot of baggage and trust issues. We were simply 23 and 25, doing the best we knew how. There isn't a manual for a man to read explaining how to be a good partner and father figure to a little girl who never even remembered having a dad. And there most definitely isn't a manual explaining how to be a good teenage mother who is now dating and moving in with someone who actually takes the time to do nice things for her. I used to feel like everyone around us felt like I owed Joey something. It bothered me when people would tell me how lucky I was to have him. Again, the wall was there. I knew I was lucky but I didn't feel like a lucky person at the time. I felt exhausted! I couldn't ever let my guard down too much in case he decided he didn't want to be with me. It had happened before with other relationships, what made Joey so different? Why didn't anyone ever tell Joey how lucky he was to have me? More importantly, why did I care what everyone else said? Joey was telling me that he was the lucky one. Why did I need to hear it from anyone else? I believe it was because I was still being tortured by my shame. I had allowed being a teenage mother to define me and assumed I was never going to be happy. I mentioned in a previous blog about choosing our own hurt. I wish someone could have told me the future. I would have held my head high and gave everyone else the middle finger! (metaphorically of course:)) For those of you who know me, I'm sure you are thinking that I did hold my head high. That was only my stubbornness refusing to let people know I was hurting. I'm thinking I should get an academy award for my performance! I wish I wouldn't have spent so much time wallowing in my own self pity!!
My confession: Through my experiences, I have developed a no tolerance for whining. It's okay to vent, but don't let your hardships define you! If you aren't happy, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!
Anyway...
Joey returned home from Florida and we began to officially "date". I wanted to keep Kailynn from meeting him in the event things didn't work out. Being a single mom was making this very difficult. After a few weeks I finally realized it was going to be impossible to keep them apart. I couldn't keep getting a babysitter every time we wanted to hang out. He was fine just hanging out at my apartment with the two of us but I was trying my best to keep Kailynn from seeing me in another relationship. Jack had taken a toll on both of us. My work was having a family roller skating get together and I figured this would be the best environment for them to meet. There was going to be lots of other people around and it would take some of the pressure off. Joey was super excited! I told Kailynn that we would be bringing a "friend" with us to the party. For all she knew, it was a girl. I was trying to give the least amount of information possible. She was only five, how much detail did she need? We get to the roller rink and I decide I'm not going to skate because I had recently injured my back. So Joey straps on his skates and off they went. I stood there watching them hold hands and going around in circles. Kailynn would fall and Joey would pick her right back up. She wasn't shy at all! He brings her over to me and she says she needs to use the restroom. The two of us go into the bathroom and while she's in the stall I ask her if she likes Joey. She says, "I kissed that boy!" What?! She explained that she fell and when he picked her up she kissed him on the cheek. Maybe them meeting wasn't a good idea after all. We go into the game room and he begins playing every game he can to win her prizes. She spots a ring in a machine and he spent $10 trying to get the exact ring she wanted. It was absolutely adorable! My heart melted at the sight of him with her. They became instant best buddies. Joey started volunteering to help out by picking her up from daycare so we could meet after I got off work. He took her to the grocery store one time and seriously bought her everything she wanted from the checkout lane! I had to sit them both down and explain how this wasn't going to be a habit. She shouldn't be asking for things and he was going to create monster if he continued to buy her everything she wanted. Looking back, it's amazing to me that the three of us did as well as we did. He didn't know how to date someone with a child, I didn't know how to date someone so loving, and she didn't know how to take the attention she was getting from a male figure. We were all new to this kind of relationship.
After about six months, Joey and I decided to move in together. Again, I questioned if I was doing the right thing for Kailynn. I had told him that I would only move in with him if he truly thought we would get married. He agreed that he didn't want to hurt Kailynn or me and assured me that his intentions were to get married. I had just turned 23 and wasn't expecting to get married any time soon but felt the need to let him know what I was thinking and feeling. I really do think that us moving in together made me realize how much I needed him. I had trained myself not to need any one. It was so nice to know that when I came home, he was going to be there. He never told me one thing and did another. He included us in everything. Was this what a real relationship was like? Was I really worthy of his love? Joey had a way of making me feel like I was HIS gift. That HE was the lucky one. He used to tell me that he had never been in a relationship where he felt so helpless. I made him feel helpless? How? I was the one who was helpless. Didn't he realize he could do so much better than me? He could have anyone he wanted, and he chose ME? It's really hard for me to admit I felt this way because it seems so weak. Years of emotional stress had led me to believe I wasn't worth anything to anyone. In fact, he almost loved me too much. I had my wall up and didn't believe half the stuff he said. It often made me annoyed when he told me how much he loved me. What was he trying to prove? We had many arguments over if he was genuine or not. I honestly didn't know how to be in a positive relationship. I am by NO means saying that it was all rainbows and butterflies. But seriously, when I think of how hard it was for us starting out, it's amazing to me what a good job we actually did. I know I already said that but it's so true. All relationships are hard and we were starting ours off with a lot of baggage and trust issues. We were simply 23 and 25, doing the best we knew how. There isn't a manual for a man to read explaining how to be a good partner and father figure to a little girl who never even remembered having a dad. And there most definitely isn't a manual explaining how to be a good teenage mother who is now dating and moving in with someone who actually takes the time to do nice things for her. I used to feel like everyone around us felt like I owed Joey something. It bothered me when people would tell me how lucky I was to have him. Again, the wall was there. I knew I was lucky but I didn't feel like a lucky person at the time. I felt exhausted! I couldn't ever let my guard down too much in case he decided he didn't want to be with me. It had happened before with other relationships, what made Joey so different? Why didn't anyone ever tell Joey how lucky he was to have me? More importantly, why did I care what everyone else said? Joey was telling me that he was the lucky one. Why did I need to hear it from anyone else? I believe it was because I was still being tortured by my shame. I had allowed being a teenage mother to define me and assumed I was never going to be happy. I mentioned in a previous blog about choosing our own hurt. I wish someone could have told me the future. I would have held my head high and gave everyone else the middle finger! (metaphorically of course:)) For those of you who know me, I'm sure you are thinking that I did hold my head high. That was only my stubbornness refusing to let people know I was hurting. I'm thinking I should get an academy award for my performance! I wish I wouldn't have spent so much time wallowing in my own self pity!!
My confession: Through my experiences, I have developed a no tolerance for whining. It's okay to vent, but don't let your hardships define you! If you aren't happy, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!
Friday, October 4, 2013
Unchained Melody
It is always so hard to start my blog. I have to reread what I wrote the day before and then figure out how to start the new entry. So today I am simply going to pick up where I left off:)
Joey called me that Sunday night and I remember getting the butterflies before answering the phone. He called my cell phone and I didn't recognize the number but somehow knew it was going to be him. We talked for about an hour and we set a time and date for our first date. He wanted to take me to a restaurant close to where we met, the name was Tellers. I'd never heard of it but knew it was a nice place. Already I was feeling anxious because I wasn't used to a guy wanting to take me to a nice place. He said he would pick me up and I explained that I lived far away and it would be back tracking. He didn't mind and insisted on picking me up. It turned out that the night of our date, my sister, who lived close to Tellers, asked me to pick up a book from my parents and drop it off to her on my way down. I was annoyed but like that good sister I am, told her I would do it. So Joey and I decide to meet at my parents. Weird, I know! I tell my parents I'm getting the book and my mom tells me they will be out to dinner around that time. Thank goodness:) There were only two days between the night we talked and the night we went out, so I didn't have much time to plan an outfit. I was so nervous that I changed my clothes at least five times. I didn't want to look too sexy, and I didn't want to look to casual. I decided I needed to look smart. Don't ask me why! Let me explain Joey. Very confident, friendly, funny, and did I mention confident. I couldn't quite figure out what his motive for going out with me was. Motive? Yes, that is how insecure I was. On one hand it was so nice to go out with someone who already knew I had a daughter. On the other hand I couldn't figure out why he would want to go out with me if he already knew I had a daughter. Guys like him didn't ask me out. I was so insecure that I couldn't wrap my head around it. It didn't make sense. So to keep myself from getting too close, or hurt. I put up a wall. It was a big, brick, giant wall.
Back to looking smart...
I decided to wear jeans (my butt always looked good in them) and a turquoise turtleneck sweater (it covered me and make me feel secure). I pulled up to my parents driveway and notice that their car is gone. Yes! I run inside, get my sister's book and as I'm walking out the front door, Joey is pulling into the driveway. I am literally running to his car to get out of there before my parents get home. Who meets someones parents on the first date? I'm almost to the car when my parents come pulling down the street. Great! Before I know it, they have him blocked in and my mom is getting out of the car. I'm not even sure my dad had come to a complete stop. He gets out of the car and walks straight up to her and introduces himself. She takes one look at us and says, "Oh my gosh! You guys dressed alike!" We look at each other and sure enough, we had. He was wearing a baby blue sweater with jeans. Not exactly the same but close enough. We both laughed it off. I guess he was going for a smart look, too. We drove down to my sisters, dropped off the book, and headed to dinner. The conversation flowed so easily. He asked me what had happened to Stan and how did I manage being a single mother. He was genuine in his concern with how I lived my life. It was as if he was fascinated by me and wanted to know everything there was to know about me. All the while, I'm thinking, I'm really not that interesting. Actually, if I told you everything I'd been through in the last five years, you would get up and run buddy! It didn't seem to bother him at all that I had a child. He was more concerned with how I did it and getting to know me for me. He told me all about his family and how he lost his dad at a young age. We talked about mutual people we knew and how funny it was that we had never bumped into each other before. Was this really happening? What is wrong with this guy? He's too good to be true. At one point during dinner, I looked over and there was an elderly couple sitting next to us. They were holding hands across the table sharing a bottle of wine. They looked like they truly loved each other. I made the comment that I would love to be like them one day. Joey looked and agreed that it was pretty cool to see such an old couple still able to enjoy one another. I think we both realized that we had a kindred spirit. It was like we had known each other our whole lives and I didn't want the night to end. I suggested calling our mutual friend who lived near by and meeting up for an after dinner drink. We met him and his girlfriend at a tiny little place around the corner. We were all laughing at Joey telling us jokes. Jokes that I can't believe he would tell on a first date! I really don't think it would have mattered what he said, I was hanging on his every word. We all laughed and carried on. He slides a napkin over to me and I see he has written something on it. I open it up and it says, "when can I see you again?" Man, he was smooth. I didn't even see him writing. I grab the pen and write, "when do you want to see me again?" Ha, ball back in your court sucker! He writes, "how about tomorrow?" WHAT?? This guy really likes me! I smile at him and tell him we'll have to work out the details later. We finally wrap up our night and say goodbye to our friends. As we are walking to the car he grabs my hand and I feel my stomach do a flip. I felt like Buddy from ELF, "I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love. And I don't care who knows it!" WAIT Rebecca, you said you weren't going to do this again. Take things slow. On the ride back to my car we discussed hanging out again. He was going to Florida for a long weekend and he wanted to hang out again before he left. No, Rebecca, say no! But how can I resist those beautiful blue eyes and that smile? He was so sweet! When we pulled into my parents driveway I didn't want to leave. We sat in the car talking for a while trying to drag out our date a little bit longer. Was he going to kiss me? I surely wasn't going to kiss him. Should I just open my door and bolt? I told him I needed to get going and leaned in to give him a hug. As I was pulling away, he kissed me. I swear there were fireworks and some song from Ghost playing. I was 100% smitten with this guy and knew I was going to end up heartbroken. How was I falling for him after one date? I must be the dumbest girl ever! Not this time. I ended up going to his place and watching him pack for his trip the very next night. We watched a movie and talked until I knew I had to go or else I would fall asleep. He called me every day that he was gone. His friends tell me that while under the influence, he rambled on about how he had found "the one." Little did they know, he had.
My confession: Even though my wall has crumbled, there is still a little bit left. As much as I am over things that have happened in my past, the scars are still there. I still fear that Joey can hurt me so I keep a little bit of that wall in tact. I have created the ultimate defense mechanism and I hate it!
Joey called me that Sunday night and I remember getting the butterflies before answering the phone. He called my cell phone and I didn't recognize the number but somehow knew it was going to be him. We talked for about an hour and we set a time and date for our first date. He wanted to take me to a restaurant close to where we met, the name was Tellers. I'd never heard of it but knew it was a nice place. Already I was feeling anxious because I wasn't used to a guy wanting to take me to a nice place. He said he would pick me up and I explained that I lived far away and it would be back tracking. He didn't mind and insisted on picking me up. It turned out that the night of our date, my sister, who lived close to Tellers, asked me to pick up a book from my parents and drop it off to her on my way down. I was annoyed but like that good sister I am, told her I would do it. So Joey and I decide to meet at my parents. Weird, I know! I tell my parents I'm getting the book and my mom tells me they will be out to dinner around that time. Thank goodness:) There were only two days between the night we talked and the night we went out, so I didn't have much time to plan an outfit. I was so nervous that I changed my clothes at least five times. I didn't want to look too sexy, and I didn't want to look to casual. I decided I needed to look smart. Don't ask me why! Let me explain Joey. Very confident, friendly, funny, and did I mention confident. I couldn't quite figure out what his motive for going out with me was. Motive? Yes, that is how insecure I was. On one hand it was so nice to go out with someone who already knew I had a daughter. On the other hand I couldn't figure out why he would want to go out with me if he already knew I had a daughter. Guys like him didn't ask me out. I was so insecure that I couldn't wrap my head around it. It didn't make sense. So to keep myself from getting too close, or hurt. I put up a wall. It was a big, brick, giant wall.
Back to looking smart...
I decided to wear jeans (my butt always looked good in them) and a turquoise turtleneck sweater (it covered me and make me feel secure). I pulled up to my parents driveway and notice that their car is gone. Yes! I run inside, get my sister's book and as I'm walking out the front door, Joey is pulling into the driveway. I am literally running to his car to get out of there before my parents get home. Who meets someones parents on the first date? I'm almost to the car when my parents come pulling down the street. Great! Before I know it, they have him blocked in and my mom is getting out of the car. I'm not even sure my dad had come to a complete stop. He gets out of the car and walks straight up to her and introduces himself. She takes one look at us and says, "Oh my gosh! You guys dressed alike!" We look at each other and sure enough, we had. He was wearing a baby blue sweater with jeans. Not exactly the same but close enough. We both laughed it off. I guess he was going for a smart look, too. We drove down to my sisters, dropped off the book, and headed to dinner. The conversation flowed so easily. He asked me what had happened to Stan and how did I manage being a single mother. He was genuine in his concern with how I lived my life. It was as if he was fascinated by me and wanted to know everything there was to know about me. All the while, I'm thinking, I'm really not that interesting. Actually, if I told you everything I'd been through in the last five years, you would get up and run buddy! It didn't seem to bother him at all that I had a child. He was more concerned with how I did it and getting to know me for me. He told me all about his family and how he lost his dad at a young age. We talked about mutual people we knew and how funny it was that we had never bumped into each other before. Was this really happening? What is wrong with this guy? He's too good to be true. At one point during dinner, I looked over and there was an elderly couple sitting next to us. They were holding hands across the table sharing a bottle of wine. They looked like they truly loved each other. I made the comment that I would love to be like them one day. Joey looked and agreed that it was pretty cool to see such an old couple still able to enjoy one another. I think we both realized that we had a kindred spirit. It was like we had known each other our whole lives and I didn't want the night to end. I suggested calling our mutual friend who lived near by and meeting up for an after dinner drink. We met him and his girlfriend at a tiny little place around the corner. We were all laughing at Joey telling us jokes. Jokes that I can't believe he would tell on a first date! I really don't think it would have mattered what he said, I was hanging on his every word. We all laughed and carried on. He slides a napkin over to me and I see he has written something on it. I open it up and it says, "when can I see you again?" Man, he was smooth. I didn't even see him writing. I grab the pen and write, "when do you want to see me again?" Ha, ball back in your court sucker! He writes, "how about tomorrow?" WHAT?? This guy really likes me! I smile at him and tell him we'll have to work out the details later. We finally wrap up our night and say goodbye to our friends. As we are walking to the car he grabs my hand and I feel my stomach do a flip. I felt like Buddy from ELF, "I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love. And I don't care who knows it!" WAIT Rebecca, you said you weren't going to do this again. Take things slow. On the ride back to my car we discussed hanging out again. He was going to Florida for a long weekend and he wanted to hang out again before he left. No, Rebecca, say no! But how can I resist those beautiful blue eyes and that smile? He was so sweet! When we pulled into my parents driveway I didn't want to leave. We sat in the car talking for a while trying to drag out our date a little bit longer. Was he going to kiss me? I surely wasn't going to kiss him. Should I just open my door and bolt? I told him I needed to get going and leaned in to give him a hug. As I was pulling away, he kissed me. I swear there were fireworks and some song from Ghost playing. I was 100% smitten with this guy and knew I was going to end up heartbroken. How was I falling for him after one date? I must be the dumbest girl ever! Not this time. I ended up going to his place and watching him pack for his trip the very next night. We watched a movie and talked until I knew I had to go or else I would fall asleep. He called me every day that he was gone. His friends tell me that while under the influence, he rambled on about how he had found "the one." Little did they know, he had.
My confession: Even though my wall has crumbled, there is still a little bit left. As much as I am over things that have happened in my past, the scars are still there. I still fear that Joey can hurt me so I keep a little bit of that wall in tact. I have created the ultimate defense mechanism and I hate it!
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