So...today is interesting because I have so much on my mind about what I want to write versus what I should write. Everyone tells me that honesty is the best policy but, sometimes the truth hurts.
Anyway...
Joey returned home from Florida and we began to officially "date". I wanted to keep Kailynn from meeting him in the event things didn't work out. Being a single mom was making this very difficult. After a few weeks I finally realized it was going to be impossible to keep them apart. I couldn't keep getting a babysitter every time we wanted to hang out. He was fine just hanging out at my apartment with the two of us but I was trying my best to keep Kailynn from seeing me in another relationship. Jack had taken a toll on both of us. My work was having a family roller skating get together and I figured this would be the best environment for them to meet. There was going to be lots of other people around and it would take some of the pressure off. Joey was super excited! I told Kailynn that we would be bringing a "friend" with us to the party. For all she knew, it was a girl. I was trying to give the least amount of information possible. She was only five, how much detail did she need? We get to the roller rink and I decide I'm not going to skate because I had recently injured my back. So Joey straps on his skates and off they went. I stood there watching them hold hands and going around in circles. Kailynn would fall and Joey would pick her right back up. She wasn't shy at all! He brings her over to me and she says she needs to use the restroom. The two of us go into the bathroom and while she's in the stall I ask her if she likes Joey. She says, "I kissed that boy!" What?! She explained that she fell and when he picked her up she kissed him on the cheek. Maybe them meeting wasn't a good idea after all. We go into the game room and he begins playing every game he can to win her prizes. She spots a ring in a machine and he spent $10 trying to get the exact ring she wanted. It was absolutely adorable! My heart melted at the sight of him with her. They became instant best buddies. Joey started volunteering to help out by picking her up from daycare so we could meet after I got off work. He took her to the grocery store one time and seriously bought her everything she wanted from the checkout lane! I had to sit them both down and explain how this wasn't going to be a habit. She shouldn't be asking for things and he was going to create monster if he continued to buy her everything she wanted. Looking back, it's amazing to me that the three of us did as well as we did. He didn't know how to date someone with a child, I didn't know how to date someone so loving, and she didn't know how to take the attention she was getting from a male figure. We were all new to this kind of relationship.
After about six months, Joey and I decided to move in together. Again, I questioned if I was doing the right thing for Kailynn. I had told him that I would only move in with him if he truly thought we would get married. He agreed that he didn't want to hurt Kailynn or me and assured me that his intentions were to get married. I had just turned 23 and wasn't expecting to get married any time soon but felt the need to let him know what I was thinking and feeling. I really do think that us moving in together made me realize how much I needed him. I had trained myself not to need any one. It was so nice to know that when I came home, he was going to be there. He never told me one thing and did another. He included us in everything. Was this what a real relationship was like? Was I really worthy of his love? Joey had a way of making me feel like I was HIS gift. That HE was the lucky one. He used to tell me that he had never been in a relationship where he felt so helpless. I made him feel helpless? How? I was the one who was helpless. Didn't he realize he could do so much better than me? He could have anyone he wanted, and he chose ME? It's really hard for me to admit I felt this way because it seems so weak. Years of emotional stress had led me to believe I wasn't worth anything to anyone. In fact, he almost loved me too much. I had my wall up and didn't believe half the stuff he said. It often made me annoyed when he told me how much he loved me. What was he trying to prove? We had many arguments over if he was genuine or not. I honestly didn't know how to be in a positive relationship. I am by NO means saying that it was all rainbows and butterflies. But seriously, when I think of how hard it was for us starting out, it's amazing to me what a good job we actually did. I know I already said that but it's so true. All relationships are hard and we were starting ours off with a lot of baggage and trust issues. We were simply 23 and 25, doing the best we knew how. There isn't a manual for a man to read explaining how to be a good partner and father figure to a little girl who never even remembered having a dad. And there most definitely isn't a manual explaining how to be a good teenage mother who is now dating and moving in with someone who actually takes the time to do nice things for her. I used to feel like everyone around us felt like I owed Joey something. It bothered me when people would tell me how lucky I was to have him. Again, the wall was there. I knew I was lucky but I didn't feel like a lucky person at the time. I felt exhausted! I couldn't ever let my guard down too much in case he decided he didn't want to be with me. It had happened before with other relationships, what made Joey so different? Why didn't anyone ever tell Joey how lucky he was to have me? More importantly, why did I care what everyone else said? Joey was telling me that he was the lucky one. Why did I need to hear it from anyone else? I believe it was because I was still being tortured by my shame. I had allowed being a teenage mother to define me and assumed I was never going to be happy. I mentioned in a previous blog about choosing our own hurt. I wish someone could have told me the future. I would have held my head high and gave everyone else the middle finger! (metaphorically of course:)) For those of you who know me, I'm sure you are thinking that I did hold my head high. That was only my stubbornness refusing to let people know I was hurting. I'm thinking I should get an academy award for my performance! I wish I wouldn't have spent so much time wallowing in my own self pity!!
My confession: Through my experiences, I have developed a no tolerance for whining. It's okay to vent, but don't let your hardships define you! If you aren't happy, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!
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