Waffle House

After the last post, I received a lot of messages that really moved me. It is amazing how much support I have received in the last month just by telling my story. I forget that a lot of people that I am now associated with, have absolutely no idea what happened in my past. There have been several people who couldn't believe that I was in such a screwed up relationship with Jack. They see me for who I am now and can't imagine me being such a victim. It has made me realize how much I have stuffed down and hidden my past due to shame and embarrassment. Your messages and stories have helped me more than you will know. It has made me feel so much better about myself and the mistakes I have made. I am seeing a change in myself that I truly appreciate and it's due to the compassion that I received from others. Thank you!

I was in a dark place after Jack broke my hand. How was it possible for a 21 year old to hit rock bottom so many times? I remember feeling like my life was always going to be dysfunctional and full of pain and regret. I will never forget one evening I was sitting on my bed trying to do a homework assignment. Kailynn was watching TV in the other room so I decided to go to my bedroom to keep from being distracted. I had worked all day and wasn't really in the mood to do homework, but as usual, I waited until the night before to complete a huge assignment. Kailynn asked me what we were going to eat for dinner. Dinner? Why didn't I think of that? I thought about what was in the kitchen and since I had a limited supply of food I told her to have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She goes into the kitchen and makes herself a sandwich. I can hear her opening the cabinets and drawers, looking for all the supplies she will need. Then there is silence. I look up and she is standing at the foot of my bed. In her hand is a sandwich and she says, "I made one for you, Mommy." My heart sank into my stomach. Are you kidding me? What was I doing? My 5 year old just made me dinner. I grabbed her into my arms and squeezed her tight. It was in that moment I decided that I would finish the semester at school and would not return after winter break. I was broke, desperate, overwhelmed and I couldn't deal with it any longer. Kailynn needed to be my focus and I had replaced one distraction, Jack, with another, school. I was so busy trying to do the right thing and so worried about proving people wrong, that I didn't sit back and enjoy Kailynn for the little girl she was. She deserved better than a half attentive mother. It was a hard decision because I felt like a quitter but now that I can look back, it was the best decision I ever made. I believe that Kailynn has been the catapult for every decision I made when I was young. Everything I did was because of her and it lead me to where I am today. I'm sure she doesn't see it that way, but it is true.

When I think back to how miserable I was and how hard my life was, I am so proud of myself. I really hope that Kailynn will learn from my mistakes and always hold her head high. It's so hard raising children these days and it's even harder when you are still a child yourself. What is it that I want her to learn from me? Is it self respect? I ask myself all the time if I'm doing a good job. Kids don't go around giving their parents a pat on the back. I would really like to think that when she has children of her own, she will say, " I want to be just like my mom." That would be the best compliment ever! Does Kailynn think I did a good job? My desire to have her approval has only recently been brought to my attention. Maybe because she is going to technically be an adult. Not that I believe that my job is done, but 18 and going to college is a monumental moment in her life, and mine. I never expected things to turn out the way they did. I feel so blessed, even lucky. Does she feel the same way? Anyway, back to my story...


I had been out with a friend one night and we decided to end our night at Waffle House. There was an array of interesting company and we were enjoying the people watching. We were in the middle of eating our food when a familiar face approaches our table. It is a guy we both knew from high school. His name was Joey. I mostly knew him as a guy who dated another girl in our school. My friend knew him from her older brother. Joey was two years older than us so he had graduated before us and had been out of college for a couple of years. We did the typical catching up and the conversation was light and friendly. I was still in my cast and remember being so embarrassed. Please don't ask me what happened! As he stood there talking to us I was so taken by him. He had the most beautiful blues eyes. I remembered them from high school. But was he always this good looking? I didn't remember him being so handsome. He had a smile that lit up the room and a personality that drew people to him. He was the guy that everyone liked and I couldn't quite put my finger on it but, something was different about him. Like I said, I didn't really know him too well so it was hard to figure out. He didn't look like a boy, he was so strong and confident, like a man. He was sexy! I kept to myself and mostly listened to them catch up about sports and where my friend went to school. He returned to his table and we finished our meal. When we approached the cashier, I realized they did not accept credit cards. I had no cash and my friend had used up all her cash. Joey was sitting close by and came to my rescue. He offered to pay for my meal. So humiliating! I haven't seen this guy in six years, I'm not about to take his money! So what other option did I have? Grace, the nice cashier that Joey knew on a first name basis, told me that I could cross the street and get cash out of the ATM. Joey refused to let me go. His exact words, "I've got this Grace, I'm going to marry this girl one day and she's going to heighten my gene pool. We are going to make professional baseball players." Was this guy making fun of me? Oh well, it's getting late, I guess he can buy my $5.00 waffle house meal. He paid, I thanked him, and I left. Timing is everything. I was still in a bad place and wasn't ready for a relationship. I was dealing with my break up from Jack and trying to focus only on Kailynn. I walked out of there and didn't think about him again until three months later.

I had been at my work's Christmas party and some friends of mine suggested I meet them out afterwards. My parents had Kailynn for the night so I figured it would be a good idea. I met them at their house and changed  into more casual clothes. We hopped into a cab and set off for our favorite watering hole. As soon as we got there we headed straight to the dance floor. My favorite band was playing and I was so excited to get a front row spot. I wiggle my way through the crowd and feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and Joey is standing in front of me. "Oh my gosh! Hey!", in a high pitch squeal. I insisted that I buy him a beer to repay my debt and of course he refused. Joey had grown up playing baseball with one of my friends and noticed I was with him when he came over to say hello. We all talked a little and I decided that I needed to get him a beer before I forgot or he left. I went to the bar, ordered a beer, and went to find him. As I approached him I began to feel absolutely ridiculous. I see him standing around a couple of girls. What was I thinking? What if one of them is his girlfriend and thinks I am hitting on him? I'm an idiot. I get closer and he makes eye contact. I stick out the beer and say, "Here. This is to repay you for Waffle House." He tries to introduce me to his friends but I felt so stupid that I barely uttered a word. Then I abruptly say goodbye, turn around, and leave. Unbeknownst to me, Joey was following me. I head over to my friends when he calls out my name. He thanks me again for the beer and then suggests that we "go out" sometime. Is this guy serious? Doesn't he know that I have a child and I'm a train wreck? He was so put together, why would he want to go out with me? So I respond, "do you mean on a date?" You can imagine how he felt. I knocked the wind right out of his sails. He replied, "uh, yeah, is that okay? Or am I too short for you?" Another height joke? Of course I acted like I didn't notice I was an inch taller than him. Not to mention I was wearing three inch heals! I told him I'd love to go out with him. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. What was I doing? I had said I was going to be in charge from now on. No more dating! He made a joke about not wanting to wait three days to call me and I told him I didn't like games so call whenever he wanted. I didn't expect him to call and went to bed regretting giving him my number. The next morning I wake up and express to my friend that I couldn't believe I gave my number to Joey. She said, "Rebecca, he is going to call you. He was totally flirting with you at Waffle House that night." He was? I didn't see it that way but as it turns out, she was right. He called that very night.

My confession: Why is it still so hard to be proud of myself?