So I had a such a revelation yesterday. Several college brochures arrived in the mail and I was looking at one of them that happens to be three hours away. It began to sink in that there is a possibility that Kailynn may not go to a college close to home. I expect her to, but she is 17 and changes her mind on a daily basis. It made me think of all the times I wished her childhood away. I can remember being so relieved when she turned one and I didn't have to buy formula anymore. Then when she could eat regular food and I didn't have to buy jars of baby food anymore. Potty training as early as possible so I didn't have to buy diapers anymore. And the biggest of all, going to Kindergarten so I didn't have to pay so much for childcare anymore! I would give anything to spend a day with her in diapers again. Now she is going to college and I'm left wondering where in the world did time go. Why on earth was I in such a hurry for her to grow up? How am I going to let go? That's when it really hit me...we grew up together. I'm not only sending my daughter away, but my best friend. But this is a time in her life that she needs to flourish and not be concerned with her mom. I think she's always had a protective feeling about me. As if she knew that I needed her more than she needed me. Don't get the wrong idea. I am her mother NOT her friend. But we've been through a lot together. Kailynn is a very intuitive special human being. She is a sensitive soul and has a heart of gold. Like me, she is strong and determined. But there is something so special about her that I cry thinking about what she has been through and smile because I know she will get through anything! Okay, I can't even talk about this today. So let's pick up where I left off...
After Stan, I had a few relationships that weren't really too serious. I dated a few nice guys and a few not so nice guys. When Kailynn was two, I rekindled an old fling with a friend of mine named "Jack". Remember the boy from summer that I mentioned before? Him and I had stayed friends all through my pregnancy and he even came to the hospital when Kailynn was born. He went to a different high school so it was nice having a friend that didn't have any connections to Stan. Him and his posse of friends were always so nice to me. They were a little rough around the edges and drove big beat up trucks. There was a "good ole boy" kind of feel to them. I always had a crush on Jack. He was tall, handsome and athletic. Again, all the qualities a 19 year old girl was looking for in a guy. But he also had a protective attitude about me and Kailynn. He didn't like Stan at all and I loved that fact that he was willing to kick his butt in my honor. It is so amazing to me that when you have had such a feeling of rejection for so long, that you can misread or mistake someones intentions as love.
I had graduated from dental assisting school and was working for an orthodontist. One day while at work they told me I had a phone call from someone named Jack. We really didn't have time to take phone calls as we were always busy with patients and tried to keep them all on schedule. I was surprised he was calling me at work so I immediately knew something was wrong. I took the call and he asked if we could meet after work. "What's wrong?" He explained that he couldn't tell me over the phone and that he needed to talk to me in person. How was I supposed to work after that? What in the world could have happened that he called me at work? I told him we could meet after I put Kailynn to bed that evening and we agreed on a place. When I arrived I could tell he was a mess. I know this is cruel but I can't tell you what he told me. Sorry. It's not that I have a need to protect him but, some things aren't my story to tell. What I can say is that it brought us very close and I was one of very few people who knew what he was going through. We started spending a lot of time together. People were starting to notice and I was beginning to have feelings for him. Once again, I am in a situation where I am "helping" someone and a relationship forms. Jack loved Kailynn and we would do stuff together a lot. He would even invite us over to have dinner with his family. His parents really enjoyed her and his mom would keep her so he and I could go out. We never did anything too crazy because neither one of us had any money. I felt like he was the love of my life. Everything I had been through with Stan was because God knew I was meant to be with Jack. Jack and I had a great relationship for about a year. It was when he realized that the trouble he thought he had been in, was a mistake. He wasn't in trouble at all. He began partying again and slowly slipping away from me. This was different from Stan because we were a little older and it felt more like a real relationship. He had been there for me through so much that it was hard to imagine he would ever leave me. By the time I was 20, my parents told me I needed to move out. Jack and his friend moved all of my stuff out and into my new apartment. It was pretty cool at first. Kailynn and I had our own place! I was terrified but knew that I could make it work. It meant again, that money was going to run my life. I had to pay rent, my car payment, insurance, phone, electric, etc. How was I going to do it all by myself? Jack spent a lot of time there but wasn't offering any financial support. He was a poor college student who's parents gave him money when ever he needed it. He had turned 21 and it was beginning to get on my nerves that all he ever wanted to do was go to bars with his friends. I would find girls phone numbers on pieces of paper that he kept in his wallet. He always denied cheating but, let's face it, was I really going to break up with him? We fought ALL the time. He would say he would be over at a certain time and then never show up. Then he'd call me the next day and make up some stupid excuse and I would buy it. I understood he was young and didn't have the same responsibility as me. At the same time, I wanted him to love me enough that he didn't care what he missed out on. I loved him and was going to make it work no matter what. I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to have another failed relationship, but most of all, I didn't want to explain to Kailynn why Jack wasn't around. She LOVED him! He never acted like a father to her but he was her buddy. He would drive her to school for me or pick her up if I got off work late. We would watch movies together and play with her. He was the closest thing to a dad she knew and I couldn't take that away from her. His family was there for me and how could I lose them too?
The summer Kailynn turned five, I decided I was going to change her name. She was about to start Kindergarten and I didn't want to take the chance of a teacher accidentally calling me MRS. STAN! Seriously, I had never taught her to call her self by her whole name. When I realized that she would be writing her last name in school, I couldn't stomach the thought. I went to the court house and they explained that all I really had to do was fill out some paper work, have it signed by her biological father, and then show up in court. I got up the nerve to call him and he seemed to be on something. I don't know if he was stoned or what but he seemed very willing to come to my work and sign the papers. Awesome, right? WRONG! Next thing I know, Mrs. Stan is calling me telling me she wants the name of my "loyer" and how did I think I was going to get away with this. Are you serious lady? Guess what Mrs. Stan, I'm not 16 anymore, so bleep off! Stan then calls me and says that if I change Kailynn's name, then he will be officially done. Um, OK, considering I wasn't sure when he ever started, it didn't bother me. He hadn't seen her since she was 18 months old! Needless to say, he didn't sign the papers. So I had to spend more money that I didn't have to send a certified letter from the courthouse informing him of the date and time. When the day came, I was so nervous. Jacks aunt and uncle went with me in the event of any drama. We show up and no one was there. We waited a few minutes and the judge finally decided to get started. He asked why I wanted to change her name and I explained that I was a single parent acting as the sole provider and I wanted her to have my maiden name. And by the way, change her middle name back to what it was supposed to be all along. Ashlee. He said he didn't see anything wrong with that and since the father didn't show up, and there was no record of him paying child support, there was nothing to dispute. Yay!
I also decided the summer before Kailynn went to school that I was going to start college. I needed to get a degree and set my life up as a single mom. If I was going to be a working mom, then I wanted to be a teacher so I didn't have to worry about childcare and holidays. Kailynn and I would have the same schedule and it would work out much easier. Not to mention, I really always wanted to be a teacher. I decided to be a health teacher so I could teach sex education to high school students. I figured they would relate to me and I would be able to help them understand how to make smart choices. I was accepted to a good school and believe it or not, scored pretty well on my ACT. My future looked bright and I was excited to start this new adventure. I didn't qualify for any assistance because I made too much money. $22,000 a year to be exact. So I took out a loan and continued to work 3 days a week. I was seriously broke. Anyway, that's a whole other story.
Right before Kailynn's 5th birthday, a friend invited me to Lake Cumberland. I had never been there before and could use a break from Jack and all the fighting. He had spent his summer doing who know what and who knows who. I made arrangements for Kailynn and when I got back on Sunday, Jack had Kailynn. He met me at my apartment and it was pretty uneventful. I had a hard time being home after having such a good time. It was hard coming back to reality and knowing that I had all this pressure waiting for me. I had promised Kailynn the Friday before that she could wear a yellow dress on Monday. The dress was completely wrinkled and I didn't have time to iron it on Friday so I promised she could wear it on Monday. This strikes me as funny because I could care less if my kids wear wrinkled, dirty, old clothes now. Just get dressed and go to school, it's not a fashion show! But Kailynn had to look presentable at all times or else in my mind people would say, "that's what happens when you have a teenage mom", "she can't even dress her". UGH! So silly! So we all wake up Monday morning and are running around to get ready. I had gotten out of the shower and hear Kaiynn and Jack arguing over what she is going to wear. Crap! I forgot about the dress! So I go in and start explaining that it's my fault she is upset. I forgot to iron the dress and I promised she could wear it on Monday. He was pissed! "Why does it matter what she wears?" he was yelling. I walked out of the room refusing to explain to someone who wore basketball shorts and shirts with sleeves torn off about the importance of fashion. I told Kailynn to put the yellow dress on and go ahead and get her shoes on and brush her teeth. I went to my bedroom to get dressed as they went into the bathroom. She was sitting on the toilet with her foot propped up on his leg while he tightened the strap on her shoe. That's when I heard him say, "if I were your mom, I would beat your f-ing ass for acting this way!" WHAT!? Oh, no he didn't! I stormed into the bathroom and grabbed his arm, spinning him away from her to face me. "YOU DO NOT TALK TO HER LIKE THAT!" And in one swift motion, he grabbed my wrist with his free hand, and with her shoe in his other hand, hit my hand. Instantly I knew something broke. I looked at my hand and could see it wasn't right. The pain was shooting up my whole arm. What had he done? How was this happening? Kailynn just sat on the toilet staring at us. I could see the fear on her face. I turned out of the bathroom and went straight to the phone. I called my friend and told her she needed to come over immediately, I thought my hand was broken. Jack starts apologizing and telling me it's not broken. He didn't mean to do it. All I could do was ask him to leave. Over and over again, JUST LEAVE. I call my work and tell them I'm not coming in because I think I broke my hand skiing that weekend. What have I done? Am I that terrible of a person that I deserved to be treated this way? Why had I stayed with him for so long. Something like this was bound to happen. How was Kailynn ever going to be a normal kid after all she had witnessed. The shame, guilt and embarrassment was overwhelming. Kailynn never went to school that day. I dropped her at my moms and my friend took me to urgent care. My left hand was broken and I had an ugly cast to prove it. I had to sit through the doctors telling me about abuse and how a lot of women think it will never happen again. It was humiliating. I told them I wasn't in an abusive relationship. Was I in an abusive relationship? They told me how emotional abuse can turn to physical abuse and one time is one time too many. But this was my best friend. We had known each other since we were 15! He had been there for me and I for him. He loved me, didn't he? I went to bed that night wondering where my life was heading. I was a good person who was trying to do all the right things. Why me? What had I done to deserve this? Was I really that unlovable? How could Jack hurt me this way knowing all I'd been through. Where was the protective guy I fell in love with? He saw how hard I working. How was I ever going to get over this? I was used to him breaking my heart, but this had gone too far. I had to end things, but how? I found myself once again consoling the culprit. He did feel terrible. He said that he still believed we would be together one day and that he really did love me. I will tell you this, God does work in mysterious ways. If only I could have understood that then. I told Jack that there was no way we would ever get back together and here is why. What would I say or do if Kailynn ever came to me and said she was being abused by her boyfriend/husband? What if I thought she was in an abusive relationship and she was trying to hide it from me? I couldn't live with myself if she went through something like that and used my experience as an excuse. "Well, you stayed with Jack" or "Jack did it to you and you still loved him enough to give him another chance." I would not do it. My cousin came from 3 hours away and took Kailynn to stay with my aunt for a week so I could pull myself together. I stayed at my friends house where she helped me do my hair and cut up my meat. She even shaved my right armpit for me:) I had a lot of time to think about my future and how I needed to get my priorities straight. I didn't need a guy in my life! Kailynn and I were going to be just fine and I was going to start taking control of my future. Can you hear the Rocky theme song? Eye of the Tiger playing in my head. I was going to climb out of my pity and shame. I had done it before and I could do it again!
So Kailynn started her first day of kindergarten with her new name and I started my first day of college on the same day. I had all kinds of good stories about my cast. Skiing accident, a car accident, I think I even told some guy that was hitting on me that I was a police officer! It was all I could do to keep sane.
Confession:
Ending my relationship with Jack is one of the best decisions I ever made. I forgive him and hope he is really happy where ever he is. If this helps ONE person who is in or has been in an abusive relationship, emotional or physical, I'm glad I've shared.
To my sweet Kailynn, I'm sorry you ever had to experience those times. Please forgive me:)
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