I should have packed a bag!

I had so many wonderful conversations with several people yesterday. The Internet is an amazing tool for connecting and expressing feelings. All comments come to my email first for me to review before posting, so if you have questions that you would like to keep private, just let me know. Otherwise, I will post them so everyone can see. Someone told me that the only way to keep the blog real is to be myself and don't hold back. That is a little scary for me because ultimately I have to be responsible for what I write! I am not writing this anonymously so it's really putting it ALL out there.

Yesterday I was talking to an old friend and she reminded me of something I was thinking of while writing but didn't mention. When she told her parents I was pregnant, SHE was scared. She thought somehow she would be in trouble and they might ask her to keep away from me. Her parents didn't really know me that well and she was worried what they may think of her hanging out with a pregnant girl. Her dad sat her down and said, "Listen, don't you dare turn your back on this girl." How awesome is that? Her dad has since past away and it makes me so sad that I never got a chance to thank him for that. Thanks Chet! It says so much about someones character when they turn their back on someone in need and even more so when they don't. Rejection is an awful feeling and I hate to admit that I know it all too well.

My junior year wrapped up pretty uneventfully and I went into the summer knowing that by the end I would have a baby girl to take care of. I turned 17 on June 17th and my mom gave me a beautiful symbolic gift. She had her original wedding ring from dad #1 put into a pendant on a necklace. She told me that this would be my last birthday as a "child" so to speak and she wanted to give me something special. I couldn't believe it, this was going to be my last birthday as just Rebecca. Kailynn was due August 19th and by the grace of God I went into labor 3 weeks early on July 26th. By the grace of God? Yes, because it enabled me to start the first day of my senior year when everyone else did. On my first day of my senior year in high school, I had a one month old baby and started a job at Bob Evans. Let me back up, because I'm sure you want to read all about my labor:)

At my 32 week check up my doctor asked me if I had been having contractions. Uh, I don't know? What do they feel like? Wouldn't I know if I was having them? He explained that it kind of felt like a slight pull in my abdomen. Nope, didn't have that feeling. Then he asked me if I had been doing any "heavy lifting" or "physical activity". Did jumping on a trampoline count? This is where I am reminded how different being pregnant while in the best shape of your life is different that being pregnant when you are not. Yes, I had been jumping on a trampoline! I couldn't resist! Oh, did playing a game of basketball count too? It was only HORSE not a 3 on 3 tournament. So yes, doctor, I have been doing physical activity but don't worry, I haven't been lifting anything too heavy. But my response to him, "No, not at all". He said I was measuring much smaller than the week before and wanted to do an exam. "Okay?" No, not okay. I didn't want to have him examine me until absolutely necessary. It's a good thing he knew what he was doing because I was 70% effaced. My mom had been standing outside with her ear pressed tightly to the door. I swear I heard her gasp from inside the examining room. I had no idea what that meant, so I asked. He told me that my cervix was thinning and I needed to take it easy. He prescribed me some medication and I remained on it until my 37 week check up. On the very night of my 37 week appointment I told my mom I felt weird. She told me I had better pack a bag. Pack a bag? What for? I still had 3 weeks to go! I wasn't ready for this baby. I was still pulling myself together. All of the sudden I was feeling panic set in. Needless to say, I didn't pack my bag and at 8 o'clock the next morning, I am in full labor. I crawl into my mom's bed and tell her I think I'm having contractions. She fumbles around for her watch and tells me to let her know when I have one. "I just did." "Then tell me when you have another" she replied. So I tell her, "I'm having one." She shoots up in bed and says, "Rebecca! That was only three minutes! Go pack a bag!" Calm down mom, they don't even hurt. This is easy, why do the TV shows make such a big deal about labor. Man, I must be tough! I go into my room and start packing all the essentials. I was literally putting things in the bag and two seconds later pulling them out. What was I going to wear? People would be taking pictures so I needed to look cute. Did I have my make-up? I call Stan and let him know and he says he's on his way. Then it hits me. Labor that is. A contraction that takes my breath away. HOLY bleep! "MOM! It's hurting!" Yes, Rebecca, you are in LABOR she says. My mom was freaking out. She was like the men you see on the TV shows running in circles. We finally get in the car and I start putting on my make-up. Stan is in the back seat still trying to wake up and my mom says, "Why in the world are you putting on make-up?" Because I want to look good when I push this baby out, duh! Just another example of my priorities and how unprepared I was for motherhood. I really didn't think I would have my baby that day. On TV there are always false alarms and women are sent home after thinking they are in labor. I was prepared to be sent home. We check in and get settled in a room. The doctor comes in, examines me, and says,"Looks good, I'll be back to check on you soon." WHAT? I'm going to have the baby TODAY? No way! So then the phone chain started and everyone knew I was in labor. The same girl who's dad told her to stand by me shows up with a group of girls with a bunch of balloons. While I'm in labor! They are all standing around the bed talking, being giddy teenage girls. How were they to know what to do? Then some of Stan's family shows up. His older sister is watching the monitor and telling me, "this one is going to hurt, it's a big one!" OMG! Someone get her away from me! They are coming in and out acting annoyed that it is taking so long, I'm sure they were just nervous. They leave for a smoke and I motion for my mom to come near the bed. "Will you PLEASE ask everyone to leave?" I was in a lot of pain and wanted to be left alone. So when they returned she explained very kindly that I was in a lot of pain and wanted to be left a lone for a little bit. And they were pissed. They didn't just leave the room. They went home! I actually feel really bad for Stan when I think of this. How could his family just leave him there by himself?

I finally got an epidural and was feeling good. At 5:53 pm on July 26, 1996, I received the most precious little girl. She only weighed 6 lbs. .06 oz. NOTHING can prepare you for this miracle. I was instantly in love. So this is what real love is? I would have jumped in front of a bus for this child. Gone to the ends of the earth for her and I just met her. She had a ton of black hair and was so tiny. I was the luckiest person in the world and I just sat there holding her while my tears dripped from my cheeks onto her little body. They whisked her away to do all the tests and everything looked great. They moved me to the recovery room and got me situated in my room. I had never stayed in a hospital before. They pull me into a room and I realize it's a double. I'm going to SHARE a room with a stranger? Lucky for me no one ever used it. It was about 8 o'clock and everyone was ready to leave. Please don't leave! I don't want to stay here by myself. I was scared. But of course, I didn't say a word. Stan's family never came back to see Kailynn, and my family was tired. Everyone left me and I sat there alone with my thoughts and fears and began sobbing again. What just happened? Did I seriously just have a baby? What in the world am I going to do. I know, I'll call Stan. I call him and he is angry. You see, we had picked out the name Kailynn Ashlee (insert Stan's last name here) and at my baby shower my mom made a joke that we were naming the baby after her and my aunt. Kay for my mom (Karen) and Lynn for my aunt (Beverly Lynn) It was totally a joke. For crying out loud, MY middle name is LYNN. Wouldn't  I be naming her after ME? He was furious and telling me that he wanted to change her name. Look buddy, I just went through an entire day of labor, I'm completing traumatized by the events of the day, I'm alone in a hospital room and can't even move my legs because the epidural hasn't worn off and you want to attack me over a joke my mom made three weeks ago at a baby shower? Ok, then what do you want name her. Well of course, he wanted to name her Stan! LOL, ok, now I'm making myself laugh. Obviously it wasn't Stan, but you get the point. So again, to please him, I caved. But only a little:) We settled on Kailynn Stan (insert Stan's last name here). We got off the phone and I still couldn't pull myself together. This was way too much for any 17 year old girl to handle. I'm sure it was partly hormonal and part exhaustion but I couldn't stop crying.  I knew I should go to sleep, I was soooo tired. My mom had told me to let the nurses keep Kailynn for the night so I could get some rest. I had fed her at 10 and they asked if I wanted to feed her again at midnight or rest. I told them rest as my mom had suggested. I glanced at the clock and it was almost midnight. I picked up the phone and rang the nurses. "Can I please see my baby?" They brought her to me and I will never forget it. The nurse could see that I had been crying and asked me if I was alright. I told her yes and she didn't pry. She scooped Kailynn up out of the plastic bassinet and handed her to me. I had never loved anything as much as I loved her in that moment. She was perfect. I just stared at her while she took her tiny little bottle. She had no idea that her mother was a mess, a nightmare, a confused kid. But somehow I could feel that she loved me. It's amazing how resilient kids are. Even as a new born I knew we would have a connection that only her and I would understand. She was my sole purpose in life moving forward. I would do anything to give her a good life. As I think of this moment I am overcome by anger at myself. You will find out that I didn't always make such clear, good decisions. I wish I would have remembered how I felt on this day more often as I raised her alone.

Todays confession:

I am scared to tell you all the things that happen in the first year of Kailynn's life. Kailynn already knows and I'm wondering if that is enough. Why ruin this image you all have of me being so strong and brave. Truth is, I wasn't always strong and made some cowardly mistakes. Ugh!! What have I started??? If I don't write tomorrow it's because I'm still contemplating:)

P.S. I am dedicating this in memory of Chester Guy, you will never know how much this story means to me.