The end of STAN

I got a really late start today so I hope I am able to be productive before my kids get home!

After I left the hospital, I started to find my routine with a baby. It was as if Kailynn knew I was hanging on by a thread and decided to be the best baby ever. The first night I brought her home she slept 6 hours! My mom was a help but she didn't sign up for getting up in the middle of the night. I was on my own. Stan had come over a few times and it was always hard for me when he left. I wanted us to be a little family and he wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. He decided to play football that fall so a lot of his time was spent at practice and two-a-days. The tension was growing thicker and thicker as I tried to mask my frustration with him and deal with a newborn baby day in and day out. School started back up and I tried to act normal but it was extremely hard. I had the same guilt any other mother would have leaving their newborn baby on top of the pressures of being a teenager in high school. I had to wear breast pads to prevent any leakage for crying out loud! The newness of Kailynn was wearing off and reality was setting in. Having a child is a huge commitment. I tried to blend in socially by taking Kailynn to a few events, but it always felt weird. No one else was carrying around a baby. My mom watched her all day while I was at school and then again at night when I went to work. She was in need of her own break. It was starting to take a toll on everybody!

When Kailynn was two months old my family went to visit my grandparents and great grandparents in West Virginia. I was excited to show off my baby and how many people can say they have a picture with their great, great grandmother. Kailynn didn't take to the three hour drive well and ended up being sick the whole weekend. It was stressful traveling with a newborn and being out of my element. I had no idea what it took just to get away for a weekend. Have you ever had a feeling in your gut when you knew something is wrong? I had this feeling the whole time. I tried calling Stan to let him know we were okay and Mrs. Stan said he was out and she'd let him know to call. I left my grandma's number and he never called. I tried not to read too much into, I was sure he got home late and didn't want to risk calling too late. We left early Sunday morning due to the fact I had to be at work by 3. My shift normally ended around 10  and at about 9:30 Stan shows up and tells me we need to talk. I knew then my gut was right all along. He hung out until ten and we rode over to my parents. He sat me down and told me I needed to "find a babysitter for Friday nights". Typically I would work on Friday nights and it was his job to keep Kailynn since my mom did during the day.  Since we were out of town that Friday "he really liked not having to babysit." Oh Stan, I am trying so hard not to make you look so bad. That is not my sarcastic voice. You can imagine my response. It's not BABYSITTING when it's your own kid! So his solution was for me to quit my job. My jaw dropped to the ground. How could I quit my job? Who was going to buy her diapers and formula? My mom had mentioned going back to work part time and I was going to need money for a babysitter. The request was so impossible, I couldn't do it. I finally had enough and told him to get out.

The next day at school was beyond awkward. I could literally see people talking behind my back. Stan avoided me like the plague. What was going on? Had he already told everyone we broke up. Did we break up?? I know I told him to get out but that didn't mean we weren't going to be together, did it? That's when someone finally had the nerve to pull me aside and fill me in. Apparently Stan had attended a party that weekend and had been seen with a Sophomore sitting on his lap. Are you kidding me? There was no way this was true. He was a lot of things, but not a cheat. I starting asking the typical questions. Who was she? Who all was there? Who's house were they at? I'm not sure why it really mattered. I was trying to blame someone, anyone, other than him. What kind of girl would do this to me? Doesn't she know that he has a baby with someone? Why wouldn't my friends who were there say anything to him? Were people really that self involved that no one was thinking of me and my 2 month old baby? No, because they were a bunch of carefree kids who were just trying to have a good time. It wasn't their fault, nor their responsibility. And how could I expect anyone else to stand up to him when I couldn't even do it myself. To say I felt betrayed was an understatement. You can imagine the rage that soared through my veins. I was livid. He didn't want to "babysit" because he wanted to go out to parties and flirt with girls. Well I wanted to do the same thing! (not flirt with girls) What about me? Was ANYONE thinking about ME? No one was going to break up my little family and I was prepared to do anything to get Stan to wake up and smell the roses. Me and Kailynn being the roses, of course. I would straighten this all out and things would go back to normal. Normal? What's that again?

Here was my new normal. Stan dating around while calling me every night telling me how terrible he felt. I would console him while he told me he needed time to figure things out. Then we would go to school and he would act like he didn't know me. He wasn't really seeing Kailynn at all and it was taking a toll on me. I was trying my best to act normal and move on with my life but it was extremely hard. I couldn't tell my friends what I was doing because I was too worried Stan would get mad at me. If he found out I told people, he would be mad and then I would really lose him. I was pathetic! It sickens me to admit this but... we were being intimate the whole time. Ahhh! What was I thinking? Being a 17 year old mother, daughter, student, etc. was seeming to be impossible. Why did I ever love this person? What in the world was I doing? He began dating a girl and getting kind of serious. I was starting to see myself as a mistress. ME, the mistress! How messed up is that? I decided I would confront this girl and let her know we were both being duped. She would get mad at him, break up with him, and he would HAVE to come back to me and Kailynn. Right? So I waited one day to get her attention and asked if she would go to the bathroom with me. We enter the bathroom and we are alone. Shwew! I was so nervous to tell her the news because I didn't want her to feel the same hurt I had felt by him. Him and I had a baby together and I was sure she would see there was a bond no one could break. I was wrong. She accused me of lying. She started yelling at me insisting that I was making the whole thing up just to get him back. Why would I make up sleeping with someone that I already had a baby with? Obviously we had already been together! I'm not going to lie about it now and make myself look pathetic for nothing. How could she really believe that I was a liar. I was in shock at how she reacted. SHE was mad at ME? Was I really that naive that I expected another girl to show compassion towards me for all that I had been through? Apparently, she was just as naive as me. Poor thing actually thought HE was the one with dignity. But then again, I guess he was. He wasn't in the girls bathroom pleading for me, it was me pleading for him. She bolted out of the bathroom leaving me standing there. It was then I knew I had hit rock bottom. I would NEVER let him make a fool of me again. What on earth was I thinking confronting this girl? Needless to say, Stan reacted exactly the way I was afraid of. He was furious with me. She told everyone what I had said and he told everyone I was lying. One girl overheard someone I thought was my friend, calling me a slut.

I went home and told my mom I would never go to school again. How could I face these people. Don't get me wrong. I know high school is hard for a lot of people but I was sinking into a dark hole everyday. Graduating high school was the least of my worries. I was beginning to think that my life wasn't even worth living. Kailynn would be so much better without me. I was a lying slut who trusted the most irresponsible, selfish teenage boy. How would I be able to raise her to make good choices when I couldn't even make them myself. I seriously started to hate myself and resent ever having a baby. They were all right. I wasn't going to be able to do this parenting thing and I was failing bigger than ever. I stayed home for about three days. My mom was getting furious with me for being a quitter. "You can either sit in here feeling sorry for yourself, or go back to school and prove them all wrong." Ok, I'll just sit here. Thanks for the advice though! Just kidding:) My mom called the assistant principle and set up a meeting for me. I went in and he told me that he had one job that year, to make sure I graduated from high school. He told me how his dad left his mom when he was little and his mom meant the world to him. That all the years of her being a single mom he had grown to admire and respect his mother for her strength. Was I really going to be a statistic? Didn't I want Kailynn to be proud of me? It was like a floodgate of emotions came pouring out. I told him EVERYTHING. The poor guy handed me a box of tissues and told me to get it ALL out. He was going to help me if that meant following me from class to class. Just having him care so much about me made me realize that I was being weak and selfish. My life wasn't about me anymore, it was about Kailynn. Was I really going to let Stan, Stan's girlfriend, and anyone else who wanted to dog me, keep me from graduation? Absolutely not!

After that I was very cautious about who I hung out with. I didn't have a huge group of friends but a few who were really there for me. I wish I knew then how much they would mean to me now. Even if we didn't stay close through the years, they were still a very important part of my life. They encouraged me to stay the heck away from Stan. Told me that I was too good for him and he didn't deserve me. They were telling me all the things I needed to hear just to go to school everyday. "Logan" was also raised by a single mom and told me if his mom could do it, then so could I. He seemed to have turned out okay:) It was nice to have people who still showed an interest in me for being Rebecca, not just the girl who had a baby while in high school. Things were far from good but they were better. I was learning how to live without Stan and it actually made me feel much better about myself.

I'm cracking up because I'm trying to finish this while my kids, all of them, are having a burping contest! Kailynn is teaching her little brother how to burp on demand. Maybe I have taught her some good life lessons:)

Confession:  I am seriously ashamed of my actions in this post. I don't blame anyone for any of my actions other than myself. But most importantly, I am tired of talking about STAN!!

Don't judge my grammatical or spelling errors as I did not have time to proofread!