Today is a beautiful day. I have been sitting here on my couch for the last few minutes reflecting on my past posts and appreciating how far I have come. I have had over 5,000 page views and as awesome as that is, I'm beginning to feel a sense of pressure to please my readers. I can only pray that I am doing the right thing by sharing my story. No one likes to feel judged so bare with me while I tell my truth again today.
Once I graduated high school, I felt a huge relief and then a huge burden as well. Everyone else was going off to college and I wasn't quite sure what I was going to do. I had always assumed I would go to college but it seemed too much of a burden financially and who was going to care for Kailynn while I attended college and worked for the next four years. I realized right away that everything in life was based on money. How was I going to make the most money in the quickest amount of time so that Kailynn and I weren't a burden to my parents? Tensions were flying high in my household and I was constantly trying to juggle it all. We were all flying by the seat of our pants and I was starting to resent my parents. Why were they making me work? Why wouldn't they babysit so I could go out with my friends? Why were they always so angry with me? It was not a good time for us. I got into a heated argument with my parents one day and I went into my room and locked the door. I called my friend hysterically crying and told her to come pick me up. I had enough! I couldn't take one more minute of responsibility. There were too many choices that had to be made and it wasn't fair that I had to figure it all out on my own. I missed out on so many things my senior year and I was tired of missing out. I needed a break! Everything came to a head in that moment and I needed to run away from all responsibility NOW. I snuck out my window and hopped into my friends car. I didn't know what I was going to do but I knew if I stayed in my house one more minute that I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I didn't return home until a month later. Again, the shame and the guilt was there. Who leaves their child for a month? Who abandons their own baby? I saw Kailynn but I didn't stay at my parents house. I felt suffocated there. I had such anger for them and them for me, I couldn't live there anymore. I felt their disappointment in every word and every look. I couldn't escape the regret and shame. It was everywhere. Looking back I truly believe I had a nervous breakdown. I know it sounds like an excuse and I never saw a doctor, so maybe not. But as an adult looking back, it seems completely reasonable. Sometimes life gives us circumstances that we can't wrap our minds around. I was so wrapped up in the trauma, even the drama, of my last 10 months, that I couldn't physically or emotionally take anymore. I was thinner that I had ever been and in a serious state of depression. I knew I would go home eventually, but my mind wouldn't let me do it. I ended up coming home two weeks before Kailynn's 1st birthday. Me leaving her is the biggest regret I have in my life to this point. I truly do believe that I needed that time to pull myself together and realize that as hard as life was with Kailynn, it was so much harder without her. While away from home, I realized that being a carefree "kid" wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. God had given me special gift, and I was neglecting to see it. It wasn't Kailynn that was keeping me from being happy. It was everything else that I didn't know how to cope with. I had let it consume me and cloud my judgement which resulted in yet another bad decision. Are you seeing a trend here?
Once I came home, my parents and I came up with a plan for me to go to school. I decided to go to dental assisting school that was about a 6 month program. I was going to school and working full time. It was a busy life but I felt better about myself now that I was getting some type of education and moving forward in my life. I knew I didn't want to live at home forever and needed a good job if I was going to support the two of us. I was actually excited about learning and absolutely believe that knowledge is power. (Even if it meant I was learning about teeth!) It was something new and giving me hope that I was going to have a future. Kailynn was growing like a weed and doing all kinds of cute stuff. She was such a loving little girl and things were actually getting easier from a parenting perspective. She was eating food (no more baby food and formula, yay!) She slept in her own bed and had her own routine of going to the babysitters and hanging out with me in my spare time. My best friend down the street loved spending time with her so we would hang out there a lot to get out of my house and give my parents a break. Her parents really took a liking to Kailynn and would get so excited when she came over. Her mom would even buy little toys for her and loved playing games or doing crafts while we visited. Even her dad loved playing with her! He had a miniature cast iron stove that came apart. The two of them would sit on the floor taking it apart and putting it back together over and over. He couldn't believe how smart she was and how quickly she learned to do it on her own. I think of these times and feel such a happiness in my heart that I had another family that loved me and Kailynn in such a selfless way. Kailynn always had so many people loving her, it made it easy to forget the ones who weren't. Again, I wish I would have realized what I had at the time so I could have shown my appreciation more. This blog is really turning into a positive release for me. It's crazy that even though I felt like I had no one, there were people loving me all around. I think it's important to sit back from time to time and access the people you have or have had in your life. Did they know how much I needed them? Did they realize how much I appreciated them? Will they ever know how much they helped me in such a time of need? Luckily for me, I am able to tell them. But as I've matured, (I refuse to say "gotten older") I realize that it's important to let people know how you feel and not to let things go for another day. I want Kailynn to know how important it is to be thankful, appreciative, and humble. That is one of the most important reasons I am being so honest with my past. It's not to show her how hard it was being a single mom, but to learn from my mistakes. I'm not even talking about having a baby. It's all the other decisions I've made in search for love and acceptance. Not that she has to be perfect, but that she understands ME of all people realizes how far we are from perfection. That at the end of the day, I have her and if I had to go back I wouldn't change a thing. My experiences have taught me so much about myself, I hope they can teach her a little bit about herself too.
I'm sure you are all so curious to find out what it was like dating while being a teenage single mother. There goes my sarcasm again. Because I have quite the story to tell about my dating life, I will have to continue it tomorrow. It is one of the most important stories about my life as a teenage mom that I want to make sure I have time to deliver the right message. I wish I could say that when Kailynn was a baby, I met my husband and lived happily ever after. But unfortunately, I met him later.
Today I confess:
I am lucky to have had certain people help me along the way. Sometimes I feel guilty and unworthy.
Also, I don't want to put too much pressure on Kailynn. I've always felt like she had to be good so I wouldn't look bad.
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