How I lost my virginity, yikes!

Now that I have gotten my first confession out of the way, I am hoping it will get easier.  However, today I am feeling a little anxious about the flood gates that I am about to open. You have to understand that it has been a long time since I've had to relive these feelings and experiences. I'm torn between being honest and protecting myself. Being a teenage mother taught me to always have my guard up and to be very pessimistic about people in the world. I had to learn at a very young age that disappointment was always right around the corner. And so my story continues...

So "Stan" and I ended our freshman year in bliss which continued on into our sophomore year.  We were very active with our friends and to be honest acting like we were a married couple. We would talk about our future and how we would be together forever.  Looking back I find it humorous that I have no recollection of what either one of us aspired to be when we "grew up." That wasn't important at the time, just knowing we were going to be together was enough for me. That is why my first confession is so important to understand. Love, even teenage love, puppy love, or whatever you want to call it, is still  love.  I loved him to the best I knew how.

***WARNING*** My parents, family or anyone else who might be uncomfortable reading about my physical relationship should stop reading now:) Don't worry, it's PG-13, I think...not to ruin the ending but it's obvious I had sex eventually, right?



With hormones raging and the bond building stronger and stronger it's only natural that we were curious about each other physically.  I was sooooo shy and timid that I always wanted to take things slow.  We weren't into drinking and partying so I can honestly say that it was pure raging hormones that took over.  Amazing how we always found a way to sneak off in a corner at a friends house or in his car, for heaven sakes HIS BEDROOM!(seriously, his parents didn't mind, they were home) Honestly, I knew I wanted to stay a virgin until marriage.  The Bible says so, my parents say so, my heart KNEW so.  But it was becoming harder and harder to resist something that felt so right. I mean, we were going to get married for crying out loud.  What's a little heavy petting???

Spring of sophomore year came and it was track season. Stan was quite the track star. He broke every record in high jump and set his sights on winning state. It was his normal routine to come home from practice and call me right away.  One day he did not call.  No big deal, I called him.  Something was off, I couldn't tell at first but I knew there was something.  This continued a few days in a row until I asked him what was going on.  He had been acting strange at school and on the phone and I could tell I was losing him.  Panic struck immediately!! I demanded him to tell me what was going on until he finally caved. HE WAS BREAKING UP WITH ME! I was devastated to say the least.  I began sobbing and begging him to change his mind.  He was also upset but he didn't know how to deal with ending this relationship.  I can't blame him.  He was young, tied down, and looking for freedom to do what normal 16 year old boys were doing.  I began blaming myself and telling him that I wouldn't be so needy, that I couldn't lose him, I needed him and couldn't live without him. Honestly, it was pathetic. We were equally demanding of each other but in this instance I felt as if I were the only one to blame.  It must have been something I did or said. But no, it came down to another girl on the track team that caught his interest.  The worst kind of girl.  Pretty AND nice!

What happens next is so hard to put in writing.  Only because it seems so real when you put it in black and white. But the truth is real, and this really happened. (All of the sudden I feel sick to my stomach)

I begged Stan to come over one day after school. No one was home and I knew if I could talk to him face to face that I could make things work.  I wanted him to hold me and tell me everything would be ok. He showed up and I was crying, of course. He couldn't stand to see me so hurt and upset. He began kissing me and telling me everything was okay. (yes, my plan has worked!) So we went to my bedroom without saying a word about what was going to happen next.  Never even discussed it but I knew what was going to happen and so did he.  One thing lead to another and the next thing I know, I have lost my virginity the a guy who just broke up with me!  I know what you are thinking. How could you do that? Why didn't you have sex while you were actually a couple? Or....you stayed strong for a year and a half and throw your virginity away when you aren't even together?  Well, like I said, it was love and I would have done anything he wanted to keep him. Even if it meant losing my virginity.

Here is my next confession:  Even my virginity didn't make him want me. It was all for nothing.