Since I have started this journey, not only have several people offered words of encouragement but they've also shared some of their own experiences. It can be so healing to confess our faults and let each other know we are not alone in our experiences. Isn't it funny how there are times when we feel so alone that it seems impossible that anyone can relate? Just by opening MY heart to others, it has allowed others to open their heart to me. For that, I am forever grateful. So thank you for all of your messages, sharing and feedback.
Let me explain how I came to find out I was pregnant. First of all, I knew I had unprotected sex so I was already scared to death. I didn't really think I could get pregnant considering the amount of times I had actually been active. I had always heard people talking about trying to get pregnant and it seemed to be something that took a lot of time and effort. I wasn't trying, so how was it possible? A doctor told me once that a 16 year old has a 1 in 4 chance of getting pregnant and you are the most fertile during ages 16-25. So the odds were in my favor:) But again, I really couldn't imagine this happening to ME. I was a good student, a good person, and things like this didn't happen to girls like me.
The time came to take a test. Like any good student and good person, I told Stan there was no way I was going to get a pregnancy test. So he did what any normal kid would do who was scared and stole three tests from the grocery store. Again, as a rule follower, I was mortified. But better to steal them than to get caught buying them! I went to his house and snuck the first test into the bathroom, read the directions and did as they said. I then creatively snuck the test back into his bedroom and we were going to wait three minutes to see the result. By the time I pulled it out of the box, it was already positive. I read the directions again to make sure I was reading it correctly. I told myself to stay calm, I'm sure these things are false positives all the time, right? So I then went to take the second test. Same result. I'm not sure if I was in denial or plain stupid but I did the test for the THIRD time, and as you can guess, still positive! To be completely honest, I don't remember much of what Stan and I talked about immediately following. I was in complete shock! WHAT was I going to tell my parents? More importantly, HOW was I going to tell them?? Terror was beginning to set in. What would my grandma think of me? What about my teachers and people at school? I was going to be the topic of a lot of gossip and it made me sick. This wasn't the kind of attention I would want to bring on myself.
I went home and decided I was going to wait a while before saying anything to anyone. This was going to be our little secret. There was still a chance that all three tests were wrong and I just happened to have a rare hormone that made every pregnancy test positive! Or maybe this was just a trick to teach me a lesson. A few days went by and reality began to sink in. I was going to have a baby and there was no where to hide, no way to hide it, and I was going to have to face it. I'm not going to lie, there would be moments where I would get excited about having a baby. I had always loved babies and babysitting. I still do! Babies are so sweet and innocent. They love you so unconditionally and this was going to be my own little baby who would never leave me and always love me. I was going to be the best mom ever and my parents wouldn't be mad forever...right? They may be upset but they loved me and would understand, or would they? The secret was beginning to kill me! I couldn't take it anymore.
Looking back I think this next part is funny. I totally used the "I have a friend" line on my mom. We were out Christmas shopping and I told her I "had a friend" that had some bad news to tell her mom. As a mom, would she want to know before or after Christmas? She quickly responded, "After! She should wait until Christmas is over so she doesn't ruin it for her mom." You can imagine my relief! Okay then, after Christmas it will be. I don't know what I would have done if she said before Christmas. I wasn't prepared at all. Christmas came and went and I was sick to my stomach. Was it nerves or morning sickness? Probably both. How in the world was I going to do this. I had such a good relationship with my mom when I was little. Teenage girls put quite a strain on their mothers, and we had our fair share of strain. But I knew my mom loved me and she was going to be devastated by my news. I can not even imagine any of my children coming to me with such a thing or how I would react.
Stan was going to a basketball tournament for New Years and I decided it would be a good idea to tell my mom while he was out of town. I also decided it would be a good idea to tell her right before I had to go to work so I would have an excuse to leave the house. My hands are literally shaking as I type this. Just recounting the moments leading up to my confession is making me tremble. I'm not trying to be funny or make a joke out of this but, I get kind of giggly when I'm nervous. So I got completely ready for work and my dad had already left for the day so my mom was in the kitchen all alone. I got my keys and told her I was going to leave but had to tell her something first. I was sitting at the table waiting for her to stop what she was doing and give me her full attention. I think she realized it was serious when she saw me sitting at the table. She stood across from me and asked in a very unconcerning way what was up. What was up? Um, how do I put this? Should I say, "surprise, you're going to be a 40 year old grandma!" or "you might want to sit down, I'm the next virgin Mary!" The better part of me knew not to make a joke out of this. Remember how I told you I get giggly when I'm nervous. Well I distinctively remember having this uncontrollable grin on my face. I proceeded by saying, "Mom, you know how you can always tell when something is wrong with me?" she replied, "yeeessss????" I continued, "well, there is something wrong." Her response, "You got an F on your report card!" Oh mom, if only that were the case. I would have rather told you I had ten F's than to admit the truth. My response, "Nooooo...." And then she knew. I didn't even say it! She went straight from "you got an F?" to "you are PREGNANT!!"
Oh Rebecca, what have you done??? And then she began to weep...and yell...and weep some more. I just sat there waiting for her to get it out. And then, for the first time, I actually cried. I had not cried one time until my mom did. Seeing her disappointment and fury broke me. I couldn't be strong another second. I got in my car and left, crying the whole way to work. The shame was sinking in more and more that it was almost unbearable. How could I do this to my family? How could I be so careless. What was I thinking telling her right before I had to go to work??? Even though I crushed my mom, I felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders. I've never been a good liar and I needed to be honest.
It is hard for me to know what to confess today. I am exhausted just thinking of the chain of events. But this is what comes to mind:
I confess:
A. there was a better way to go about telling my mom
B. this was the hardest thing I've ever had to do
C. I hope I am never on the receiving end of a conversation like the one I just described
I found myself tearing up reading this.
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