IT'S A GIRL!

Yesterday was hard! I've pushed so many things out of my mind due to the fact that again, I was taught not to dwell. Going through the story I could feel my heart racing and it was like I was that same little girl sitting at that table. Sometimes when I look back at all the things that I went through, I feel like it's someone else. Like I've seen a movie and can't quite believe that it was me starring in the main role. Today I'm going to tell you a story that has stuck with me all these years. I think most of us have a hard time remembering specifics about high school. I know I do for sure. Especially about other people. When you go to a big school, it's hard to remember names and events of everyone. So once again I will write with an open heart and tell my truth the way I remember it. This is only my perception.

Eventually I had to tell people that I was pregnant.  And when I say "people" I mean EVERYONE. I knew my family would love me no matter what so not that it was easy to tell them, but I knew they weren't going to disown me. Stan and I were still together but it felt forced. I knew that I wanted to be with him for Kailynn's sake and it ended up making me a doormat. Kailynn once told me she would NEVER let a guy treat her bad. I quickly reminded her to watch what she's says. Do you think I am a weak person? Can you imagine ME letting anyone walk all over me? "NO!" was her response. Well anything is possible and it's easy to get stuck in a rut. The horrible part of being a doormat for anyone, including friends, family, partners, coworkers, etc. is that you start believing you have no self worth. It's like cancer that spreads through your body. You begin to let things happen that you would never in million years expect to put up with. Then you start to question yourself. I am doing something to cause this? I must deserve this because I'm a terrible person. Or for a pregnant teenager, I've already failed at being responsible, I can't fail at this relationship too. If we stay together, everyone will see it was meant to be and I won't appear to be "used goods".  I can remember thinking that if Stan and I didn't work out, no one would be with me. Who in their right mind would date a 17 year old mother? Or 18 year old and so on. I would be alone. There is such a stigma for young pregnant girls. I really don't understand why. Lots of people were having sex too. Is it that they think we are dumb? At 16 you aren't thinking that it will actually happen to you. It's like riding a bike without a helmet. Lots of people have survived bike rides without brain injuries. But the ONE time you fall and hit your head, it can change your life forever. But yet you see people all the time riding around without a helmet. No one really thinks it will happen to them. So back to telling people...

I'm not really sure how people came to find out I was pregnant. In high school I can imagine now that it  was only a matter of minutes before the whole school knew. I most certainly wasn't showing. So I know I told my friends, who then told their friends, who then told everyone else. I began to notice whispers and stares in the hallway and it was clear that everyone knew. I hated it! Some people acted so fake around me. I'm not upset by it but I wanted things to be normal. It was like everyone felt sorry for me. I didn't want pity. I wanted to act like nothing had changed. Then there were the people who were genuinely concerned for me. I believe there were also quite a few people who didn't even believe it! No way! Rebecca?? I could see the disappointment on my teachers' faces and it was devastating. Except for my math teacher. He seriously had no idea! I sat in the front row and he still never caught on. But I liked it that way. He treated me like anyone else. (I learned later on that his wife was battling breast cancer, so I'm sure he had his own distractions) The worst I felt amongst my peers was when my elementary boyfriend found out. He actually had the guts to ask me to my face about these rumors. I had spent most of 5th & 6th grade wearing his cologne injected school jacket with his name displayed on my back. He sat next to me in spanish class. I'm sitting there before class starts and hardly anyone is around. He sits his books on his desk and looks at me. "Rebecca, are you (in a whisper) pregnant?" I sank in my seat. I wanted to hide. I could hear the disappointment in his voice and I couldn't lie to him. I could see the sincerity and concern on his face. "Yes" was all I could muster up. "But you were my first love" he replied. My heart sank. I had even disappointed him. Sorry! Trust me, I wasn't trying to hurt everyone I had ever met. At the time I didn't read anything into it but now I think it was so sweet. He was just being honest and trying to find out for himself. I was told once that he asked about me at a high school reunion and it makes me smile. It's not a romantic feeling but a good feeling that there is such a kind soul out there that worried about me. Even after all these years:)

Everyone eventually found out and it became kind of fun to talk about it. I can honestly say that for a bunch of teenagers, I had a pretty good support system. I was an expert at putting on a happy face, or at least I think I was. I wasn't really sharing my deepest darkest thoughts with anyone. I didn't want to scare them off. I was learning how to internalize my fear. I would go to school holding my head high but was a wreck on the inside. Grown married women can't control their emotions at times during pregnancy and I was mastering a facade. I had something to prove. I couldn't look weak or appear to be losing it because that meant I was failing. Failing at being pregnant? So sad to think I wasted so much time beating myself up when I was going to need all the encouragement in the world to survive. It was hard to function when I had excitement, fear, anxiety, issues at home, issues with Stan, issues with friends, even the normal day to day life of a high schooler. It was at times so overwhelming I felt as though I was suffocating.

It was finally time for me to have my ultrasound and find out what I was having. We made the appointment and I couldn't wait! Everyone was excited, including Stan. He showed his excitement by going to the mall and buying baby AIR Jordan's and hanging them on is rear view mirror. We show up to the hospital and a woman comes to get me. I really wish I was making this up but this is the God's honest truth. She called my name and when she saw me with Stan and my mom. She looked mad. What's her problem? Was I inconveniencing her by being at my appointment. She told my mom and Stan they weren't allowed back! Are you kidding me?? Since when? We just watched all kinds of people go back with their spouses and whomever else. I walk back into the room and she tells me to put the robe on and shuts the door. Well nice to meet you too. How was my day? Great, thanks for asking you old hag! I put the paper robe on and she returns and tells me to lay back. There are signs posted everywhere stating "this ultrasound is NOT to determine the sex of the baby, it is for medical reasons only!" Seriously? I mean, I get it. An ultrasound is meant to look for several other things besides a vagina or a penis, but was it really going to kill her to tell me. I didn't dare ask! She squeezed the cold gel onto my stomach, rolled the wand around, handed me a kleenex to wipe the gel off and said she would send the results to the doctor. I could get dressed and return to the lobby. So, I did as she said and when I came out my mom was pissed! "Are you done???" Well, I guess so mom. I told her what happened and she was fit to be tied. This was the mom I was used to seeing. I didn't want to make a big scene so we just left. What a brutal reminder that I wasn't worthy. I take that back, what a reminder that there are some seriously ignorant people out there.

I forgot to mention my OBGYN, he was AWESOME. He actually told me a story at my first visit about his sister having a baby when she was young. I felt he was so compassionate and he treated me with respect. At my next visit, he says, "ultrasound looks great! What are you having?" My mom went off, telling him the whole story. You could see the shock on his face. "I am so sorry" he said. "I want you to come to the hospital tomorrow and I will do the ultrasound myself, free of charge." We were ecstatic! So we went down and he treated me like a million bucks. He showed me her heart beating and her little legs. Counted all her little toes and fingers. Doing what I normal ultrasound technician would have done. Then he asked if I was sure I wanted to know. Of course! Tell me already. "IT'S A GIRL!" You could have heard a pin drop. Stan was devastated. Who was going to wear the air jordan's he bought? You see, he so desperately wanted a boy. And to be 100% honest, so did I. I knew I would have a better chance of him sticking around if he had a son. I was really beaming on the inside. A girl!! I'm going to dress her up, teach her all about make-up and think of all the little shoes I can buy her. She'll be like my little doll! But I didn't say any of that. Thank goodness because now it seems ridiculous. I couldn't admit my excitement. As we left my mom told Stan that she knew he was disappointed but father's have a very special bond with their daughters. That he would still love her and it didn't really matter as long as she was healthy. He wasn't buying it. He didn't talk to me for 3 days. It was all my fault because he knew I was really wanting a girl the whole time. Yes, you moron, I single handily impregnated my self with a female chromosome. The funny thing, it's the guy who determines the sex of the baby, not the woman. Another instance I knew I was alone. Thank you GOD for giving me a little girl. She totally was my little doll. And if I don't say so myself, she has great taste in makeup and shoes:)

I want to end on a very positive note today. I still don't like being a victim or sounding whiny and especially don't like the feeling of pity. There is a difference between pity and sympathy. This has taught me so much about myself in such a short amount of time. It's okay to feel bad about what has happened in our past. It is what we do moving forward that really matters. I don't want people to pity me because it seems like there is no hope when you pity someone. It is not pity that got me where I am today. Like Mr. T says, "I pity the fool". I don't want to look at myself as a fool. I was only a child. Children will be foolish but they have to learn from their actions and choose to make better decisions along the way.

My confession is easy today:

I know that I have made digs at Stan. But please understand that I have absolutely NO animosity or ill will towards him now. I am only recapping my feelings at the time. The truth is that I pity him. I am the winner in this scenario. Not the fool. Here is the definition of pity:

sympathetic or kindly sorrow evoked by the suffering, distress, or misfortune of another, oftenleading one to give relief or aid or to show mercy: to feel pity for astarving child. I couldn't be the mother I am today if I didn't let go of my anger and hurt. Remember this Kailynn! Not just with this story but with any relationship you ever have in your life. Try to always show mercy and grace. It's not always easy but you can NOT lose when you do!!