I'm sitting here debating how far I should go in my story. You see, this is supposed to be for Kailynn and there is a certain message I want to convey to her. Actually a message I want to convey to everyone. The only problem is....I don't know what it is yet! So many things jump around in my head. Maybe this is more of me being a teenage mother. Do all mothers feel this way about their past? Every mother cares what her children think about her. I struggle sharing certain things because most children don't want to know every detail in their mom's love life. For me, I feel like it explains so much more about why I am the mother I am, and I feel the need to justify some of my actions to her. After all, she did live through all of them. Someday I would love for her to tell her story. What all does she remember? Did I totally screw her up? Has she blocked it all out? Was she disappointed in me or did she not know any different? Anyway, that's what's on my mind as I continue...
Deep breath...
Let me pick up where I left off. We broke up officially and I cried like a baby for about three days. I didn't want to go to school, I couldn't concentrate in class, I was furious with myself for doing something so stupid. The guilt and shame was setting in and I could feel myself going into a dark hole. Why, Rebecca??? Why did you have sex??? I wanted to tell my mom so bad!! She was starting to get sick of my crying and was past the point of sympathy.
Let me explain my mother and her mother, and her sister, and any woman that is a descendant of my great grandmother. We are never allowed to be the victim! Ok, you can cry for a minute, even feel sorry for yourself for a second. But we never give up or let anyone else determine how we are going to function in the world. I don't want to paint the wrong picture. These are not militant women. Just strong, loving women. Women who have made their own mistakes and aren't ashamed to admit it. They have faced their challenges head on and don't spend much time dwelling. It's selfish to dwell because someone always has it way worse.
Anyway, back to what I was saying. I couldn't tell my mom what happened because I didn't want to disappoint her. Who wants to confess to their mother they lost their virginity at 15? Not me! It's hard being a teenage girl. One part of brain was saying, "Don't tell your mom" and the other was saying, "tell her everything and she will understand why you are so upset." Well, the "don't tell your mom" part won. She told me all about her high school sweet heart and how my life wasn't really over and get out of my bed and move on! Now that I'm a mom, I operate the same way. I hate to see my kids hurt. But sometimes we chose our own hurt. In this case, I decided to move on.
I had an incredible summer! I turned 16, got my license, and hung out with friends every day. It was a blast. I was definitely starting to forget about Stan and beginning to feel like myself again. I met a few boys that summer and became really good friends with a boy that I met while laying out at my friend's house. It is important to mention this because he will re-enter this story later. I will name him "Jack".
Over the course of the summer, Stan would randomly call me at all hours of the night. He sounded drunk but I was never truly sure. He wanted to know if I had a boyfriend, what I was up to, nothing really out of the ordinary, but he wasn't himself. I was so naive I didn't even know what a drunk person acted like. My parents NEVER had alcohol around us. They most certainly didn't get drunk around me, so how was I supposed to know what alcohol did to people's speech? My heart broke for him. Why was he going down this path? I'm being serious! That is how big of a prude I was!! I thought alcohol was the worst thing ever. First of all, it was illegal and to a rule follower, that is a big deal:) By the time school started I had heard that he was "partying" and it bothered me. You see, I spent my summer going to youth group with my friend Joni. By the time school started for me, I was closer than ever to God. I had been baptized and knew all my sins had been washed away. I had been forgiven for lack of judgement and had a clean slate. God is good like that! Don't be too proud of me yet:)
It was around Halloween and I decided to call Stan and see what was going on with him. I had spent almost two years with this boy that I talked to EVERY single day and couldn't believe the things I was hearing. He had broken up with his girlfriend at some point so I felt like it was okay to call him. My reason for calling him was because a girl in my math class was talking about him throwing up in the taco bell parking lot! I couldn't believe it! He must have a problem if he's throwing up after drinking! Again, sooo naive. So I called. He told me that I was the only one who ever really understood him. Then he asked me to meet him so we could talk face-to-face. We met at a park and talked for hours. I told him about my concern and he was honestly appreciative. He was glad to talk to me and be himself. I could feel that the bond between us was still there. It was so nice to talk to him, but I was strong and only doing it out of concern for his well being;) (I wish there was an easier way to express sarcasm)
We began talking more frequently and my mom had warned me to be careful. She remembered the pain he had caused and she didn't want to see me go through that again. I mentioned to a girl in class that I was talking to him again. She said, "you know he's never stopped loving you". She was friends with his ex girlfriend and told me he showed up over the summer to her house crying. Crying? Why?! He told his girlfriend that he still loved me and missed me! Ok, this is what every girl wants to hear about an ex boyfriend, right? He was crying over me? He missed me? He was telling his current girlfriend this? In my eyes, and heart, that was my "sign" that we were meant to be together. He admitted to his actions and of course I was flattered. It was like something out of a movie. Again, I was on cloud 9!
We were officially a couple and soon after Thanksgiving I was pregnant. What happened and how? I think it was at a friends basement and it was only the third time we had ever been sexually active with each other. My baptism? My faith? Yeah, I know. And I really don't know how to answer that. Teenage ignorance? I have such a hard time with this because at the time I was wrapped up in bliss. We were back together and I guess that is all that mattered. I truly believe it was God's plan. I know it sounds crazy to say that God would want a 16 year old girl to be pregnant. But Kailynn, you are truly a gift from God! So who's plan was it? Fate? Whatever anyone else believes, whatever it was, it was right.
My confession: This weak 16 year old girl still lives inside me and I'm happy about it! It keeps me humble:)
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