My First confession

Hello blog world!  I am new to the blogging world so please be patient with me as I try to share my story, my truth with you about being a teenage mother.  The purpose of this blog is to be 100% honest about the last 17 years of my life so that my now, 17 year daughter will know my story.  After all, she is a senior this year and deserves to know how important of a role she has played in my life.  So this is a gift to you Kailynn, I hope you take it as that - a gift:)

There are some things in my life that I can honestly say that I am not proud of, even ashamed of.  Finding out that I am pregnant at 16 is at the top of the list. It's very hard for me to be honest about some of the details because I am embarrassed by my actions so please be open minded and remember we learn from our mistakes. So as hard as it is for me to put myself in the my own shoes at 16, I'm going to do it anyway. Here goes nothing...

The Backstory

When I was three, my parents were divorced.  Thankfully, I don't remember any drama or fighting but I always grew up knowing there was serious resentment between my parents.  My mom remarried when I was 4 so I was blessed to have two dads.  My step-dad and my "real" dad were very different in many ways.  But I called them both "Dad". Confusing, I know.  I will refer to step dad as dad #2 and "real" dad as dad #1.  So dad#2 had a good job and I lived a very middle-class kind of life.  Dad#1 lived on a huge old farm 4 hours away so I only saw him twice a year.  I know I say I was "blessed" to have two dads but, I haven't always felt that way.  It was really like a curse growing up.  I think they both felt that the other was creating a father/daughter bond when in reality neither was giving me the attention I needed, let alone forming a bond. I don't want to sound whiny or unappreciative, but I didn't get the "daddy's little girl" feeling from either one and I believe that once I became 14 (boy crazy) it lead me to wanting attention from a male figure for security and self-esteem issues that I was too young to even realize.

By the time I started my freshman year of high school, I couldn't wait to have a boyfriend.  In junior high I was awkwardly skinny, tall, bony, wore glasses, and had braces. You can totally picture it, right?  So you can imagine how I felt when I got my braces off, filled out a little, and got contacts.  All of the sudden I was being noticed by boys and loving the attention. I had never really had a boy shower me with attention and make me feel so special. Now this is the part that I have to dig deep and remember all the positive things about, well, what should I name him?  I have an overwhelming urge to be sarcastic and call him Donor. (just being honest) but the better half of me says to name him "Stan". Ok, back to digging deep...

Stan was such a funny. loving, thoughtful person.  He had a way of making me feel like I was the most special person he had ever met. I still remember the first time I met him.  He was in my gym class!  You can imagine a 14 year old girl in a coed gym class.  So uncomfortable.  I saw him one day talking to a friend of mine and asked her who he was, if he had a girlfriend, etc.  She asked if I "liked" him.  Well I didn't know if I like him or not but he seemed nice enough, athletic enough, cute enough, all the important qualities I was looking for at the time. I believe she gave him my number and he began to call me.  It wasn't until January 5 (not positive about the date) that he asked me out and I accepted.  We talked on the phone for HOURS.  I had my own private line so I was able to talk to him until wee hours of the night.  I was on cloud nine!! We would talk about music, played our favorite songs to each other while talking about school, his sports, our friends, anything we could think of to stay on the phone. As if we wouldn't wake up at 6:00 a.m. and see each other at school.  Then we would write notes in every class and exchange them in the hallway while gazing at each other like there was no one else around. Holding hands to class, and confessing our undying love before saying our goodbyes until the next 45 minute class was over and we could repeat the same motions all over again.

Young love is amazing!  Stan would get to school early with some of his friends and they would wait at my locker until I got there.  I would open my locker and there would be flowers, or candy, maybe even a card.  He would make his mom stop on the way to school just to buy me stuff.  In my eyes, he was incredible!  I had never had anyone make such a fuss over me and I knew I never wanted it to end.  I was willing to do anything to keep this so called love in my life and he was willing to do anything to keep me in his.  It was the first male relationship I had where I felt a bond that was unbreakable.  We were going to be together forever and that was final...so I thought.  Life never turns out the way we expect it, does it? I had absolutely NO idea was about to come in the next few years.

So here is my first confession:

I was 100% in love with "Stan" and I hate to admit it