Sail Away

I'm so sorry it has taken me so long to write. I absolutely love telling my story but it can take me a while to finish and I need a block of uninterrupted time. I wish my job was writing. During the day is the only time I am alone and the day flies by when I have a million other things I should be doing! So today I am happy to be sharing my truth to be told, once again:)

Have a mentioned that I HATE surprises? Well, I do. I am very much a detective at heart and really can't help but pry when things don't seem to add up. I am not an easy person to surprise because my sixth sense usually perks up and I know something is coming. With that being said, Joey pulled off the biggest surprise of my life. Bigger than the fact I was pregnant at 16. Let's face it, it doesn't take a detective to figure out what happens if you have unprotected sex.

Joey and I had been dating for about 7 months and we were finding our routine of living together.  I went to work one Saturday morning and everything seemed normal when I left. I hated working Saturdays and dreaded leaving in the morning when Joey and Kailynn were going to spend the whole day together without me. It was nearing the end of my workday when I received a call from Joey. He informed me that Kailynn had swimmers ear and was in a lot of pain. I told him to give her some Advil and take it easy until I got home. I was instantly annoyed that I was at work and couldn't take care of her. I began telling my boss that Kailynn wasn't feeling well and that it would be nice if I could leave a little early if we weren't too busy. Things were really slow and about 30 minutes before close, she told me to go ahead and leave. I called Joey to let him know I was on my way home, and he asked me to stop at the store first to get Kailynn orange juice. Honestly, had I not been so concerned with her well being, I would have realized what a weird request this was. Orange juice? How was that going to help her ear?? I told him that I wanted to get home and would go to the store later in case I needed to get any other medicine or items for her. I grabbed my keys and headed home. I worked about 20 minutes away and had no idea what I was about to walk into. As I was getting closer, I hear someone honk their horn and realize that my sister-in-law was passing me. We waved and I drove on. I pull into my parking space and a neighbor stops me and asks me a few questions. I'm not in any mood to socialize, so I tell her Kailynn isn't feeling well and I needed to check on her, we'll talk later. I walk into the front door and I'm baffled. What the heck is going on???

There are roses EVERYWHERE. On the table, in the kitchen, on the TV stand, even rose petals on the floor. Candles are lit and my favorite David Gray song, Sail Away, is playing on the CD player. Then I notice next to the flowers on the table there is a card. Where the heck are Joey and Kailynn? I open the envelope and take out the card. It has a picture of two fish bowls, one with a fish in it, the other with a fish jumping out of his bowl and into the other. I open the card and it says, "We belong together". Um okay, still no clue what's happening. Some detective, right? Joey wrote, "I love you" and "follow the rose petals." I follow them into the living room where there were petals spelling the words, "Love never fails". Then I continue following them up the stair case and into our bedroom. I enter all the way through the doorway and he is standing at the foot of our bed all dressed up. I quickly scan the room and notice there are candles everywhere and my favorite black dress hanging in the bathroom doorway. Then it hits me! OH MY GOSH, he's proposing! How did I not see this coming? When did he plan this? More importantly, HOW did he plan this? He sees the shock on my face and smiles. "What are you doing?" I asked. What was I suppose to say? I was in shock. He gets down on one knee and begins reading something he had written on the back of an envelope from his work stationary. I honestly couldn't understand a word he was saying. I didn't know if I was going to cry or throw up! Was this really happening? Seriously, how did I not see this? Here is what he was actually saying:

There's a million different ways to tell you how I feel--
of the love that we have, so true and so real
You have changed my life, and all I want to be,
You've shown me what love is, and now I'm down on bended knee.
From the minute that I saw you,
I knew that you were the one
You make me so strong I am weak
So happy I am numb.
I don't know how you do it,
but you always find a way
You know exactly how to touch
Exactly what to say.
So to you I say this
From the bottom of my heart
Today until forever, our journey will start.
A journey as a family
the three of us strong
One journey so perfect,
It could never lead us wrong.
I take your hand today
and offer you this ring
To help create the story
Of the princess, queen and king.
I love you more than life
more than you will ever know.
My love will never end
Forever to you I'll show.
I only have one more thing to say,
I think you know what that might be-
Rebecca Lynn Pingley,
I want you to be my wife
Will you marry me?

I really only heard the last line to be honest. I stood there with my hands over my mouth and realized that he had asked me question. I grabbed his hand and pulled him into my arms. Of course I'll marry you! After a poem like that, what was I going to say:) No, seriously, it was the most amazing feeling I'd ever had. No one had ever made me feel as special as he did and he went out of his way to make sure I knew how special I was to him. I was the luckiest girl in the world and I knew it. So, where's Kailynn? How's her ear??? Silly me, it was all made up! He had asked my friends mom to keep her for the night and had dropped her off earlier that day. He was trying to stall me by asking me to get Orange juice because I told him I was leaving early and he still had a million candles to light. When I passed his sister, she had just left because she was helping him set the whole thing up. The neighbor was trying to talk to me to buy him a few more minutes. Thankfully, it all worked out. Oh, and the purpose of the black dress? He made dinner reservations at Tellers, where we had our first date. He had a bottle of champagne on ice in the bathroom sink. We popped it open and called all our family and friends to celebrate the good news. I changed into my dress and we headed to Tellers where we were greeted by a very excited hostess. When Joey made the reservation, he informed them he was going to propose and asked if we could have the exact table where we sat only 7 months ago. She takes us to our table and the manager greets us with a bottle of champagne. Yes! I am a huge fan of champagne.  As we are sitting there, Joey tells me that we were supposed to be sitting at the exact table we had our first date and he was a little disappointed because they misunderstood and put us at the table one over from where we had originally sat. And like something out of a movie, I reminded him of who was sitting at the exact table we were now sitting at. It was the little old couple holding hands across the table sharing a bottle of wine. This table was perfect and it was meant for us to sit there! He smiled at me and knew I was right. It was destiny. I loved him so much my heart could explode. I couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with this man.

I know what you are thinking. I made this whole thing up! I seriously am not. Even as I write about it, I am shocked at how awesome my proposal was. I still love Joey so much that my heart could explode, but it's a different more mature love. It's a very respectable love, the kind of love that lasts. But, I have had the best time today revisiting that night and thinking about how amazing it was. He was my prince charming that I had always dreamed of and it's good for me to remember that from time to time. I most certainly don't go around telling him enough! Joey and I are not perfect and by no means do I think we are poster children for marriage. We fight all time over stupid things, not so stupid things, things that matter, mostly over things that don't matter. (Who does more around the house) But at the end of the day, we are honest. We don't want to live our lives without the other. We know we are lucky to have each other and we believe it was God's plan that we be together. It's okay if we aren't perfect, no one is. So let me be completely honest with you now.


I confess:
I would never be the person I am now without Joey Clark and I am proud to admit it.


You are my best friend Clarky! I love you.

The Big Move

So...today is interesting because I have so much on my mind about what I want to write versus what I should write. Everyone tells me that honesty is the best policy but, sometimes the truth hurts.

Anyway...

Joey returned home from Florida and we began to officially "date". I wanted to keep Kailynn from meeting him in the event things didn't work out. Being a single mom was making this very difficult. After a few weeks I finally realized it was going to be impossible to keep them apart. I couldn't keep getting a babysitter every time we wanted to hang out. He was fine just hanging out at my apartment with the two of us but I was trying my best to keep Kailynn from seeing me in another relationship. Jack had taken a toll on both of us. My work was having a family roller skating get together and I figured this would be the best environment for them to meet. There was going to be lots of other people around and it would take some of the pressure off. Joey was super excited! I told Kailynn that we would be bringing a "friend" with us to the party. For all she knew, it was a girl. I was trying to give the least amount of information possible. She was only five, how much detail did she need? We get to the roller rink and I decide I'm not going to skate because I had recently injured my back. So Joey straps on his skates and off they went. I stood there watching them hold hands and going around in circles. Kailynn would fall and Joey would pick her right back up. She wasn't shy at all! He brings her over to me and she says she needs to use the restroom. The two of us go into the bathroom and while she's in the stall I ask her if she likes Joey. She says, "I kissed that boy!" What?! She explained that she fell and when he picked her up she kissed him on the cheek. Maybe them meeting wasn't a good idea after all. We go into the game room and he begins playing every game he can to win her prizes. She spots a ring in a machine and he spent $10 trying to get the exact ring she wanted. It was absolutely adorable! My heart melted at the sight of him with her. They became instant best buddies. Joey started volunteering to help out by picking her up from daycare so we could meet after I got off work. He took her to the grocery store one time and seriously bought her everything she wanted from the checkout lane! I had to sit them both down and explain how this wasn't going to be a habit. She shouldn't be asking for things and he was going to create monster if he continued to buy her everything she wanted. Looking back, it's amazing to me that the three of us did as well as we did. He didn't know how to date someone with a child, I didn't know how to date someone so loving, and she didn't know how to take the attention she was getting from a male figure. We were all new to this kind of relationship.

After about six months, Joey and I decided to move in together. Again, I questioned if I was doing the right thing for Kailynn. I had told him that I would only move in with him if he truly thought we would get married. He agreed that he didn't want to hurt Kailynn or me and assured me that his intentions were to get married. I had just turned 23 and wasn't  expecting to get married any time soon but felt the need to let him know what I was thinking and feeling. I really do think that us moving in together made me realize how much I needed him. I had trained myself not to need any one. It was so nice to know that when I came home, he was going to be there. He never told me one thing and did another. He included us in everything. Was this what a real relationship was like? Was I really worthy of his love? Joey had a way of making me feel like I was HIS gift. That HE was the lucky one. He used to tell me that he had never been in a relationship where he felt so helpless. I made him feel helpless? How? I was the one who was helpless. Didn't he realize he could do so much better than me? He could have anyone he wanted, and he chose ME? It's really hard for me to admit I felt this way because it seems so weak. Years of emotional stress had led me to believe I wasn't worth anything to anyone. In fact, he almost loved me too much. I had my wall up and didn't believe half the stuff he said. It often made me annoyed when he told me how much he loved me. What was he trying to prove? We had many arguments over if he was genuine or not. I honestly didn't know how to be in a positive relationship. I am by NO means saying that it was all rainbows and butterflies. But seriously, when I think of how hard it was for us starting out, it's amazing to me what a good job we actually did. I know I already said that but it's so true. All relationships are hard and we were starting ours off with a lot of baggage and trust issues. We were simply 23 and 25, doing the best we knew how. There isn't a manual for a man to read explaining how to be a good partner and father figure to a little girl who never even remembered having a dad. And there most definitely isn't a manual explaining how to be a good teenage mother who is now dating and moving in with someone who actually takes the time to do nice things for her. I used to feel like everyone around us felt like I owed Joey something. It bothered me when people would tell me how lucky I was to have him. Again, the wall was there. I knew I was lucky but I didn't feel like a lucky person at the time. I felt exhausted! I couldn't ever let my guard down too much in case he decided he didn't want to be with me. It had happened before with other relationships, what made Joey so different? Why didn't anyone ever tell Joey how lucky he was to have me? More importantly, why did I care what everyone else said? Joey was telling me that he was the lucky one. Why did I need to hear it from anyone else? I believe it was because I was still being tortured by my shame. I had allowed being a teenage mother to define me and assumed I was never going to be happy. I mentioned in a previous blog about choosing our own hurt. I wish someone could have told me the future. I would have held my head high and gave everyone else the middle finger! (metaphorically of course:)) For those of you who know me, I'm sure you are thinking that I did hold my head high. That was only my stubbornness refusing to let people know I was hurting. I'm thinking I should get an academy award for my performance! I wish I wouldn't have spent so much time wallowing in my own self pity!!

My confession: Through my experiences, I have developed a no tolerance for whining. It's okay to vent, but don't let your hardships define you! If you aren't happy, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!

Unchained Melody

It is always so hard to start my blog. I have to reread what I wrote the day before and then figure out how to start the new entry. So today I am simply going to pick up where I left off:)

Joey called me that Sunday night and I remember getting the butterflies before answering the phone. He called my cell phone and I didn't recognize the number but somehow knew it was going to be him. We talked for about an hour and we set a time and date for our first date. He wanted to take me to a restaurant close to where we met, the name was Tellers. I'd never heard of it but knew it was a nice place. Already I was feeling anxious because I wasn't used to a guy wanting to take me to a nice place. He said he would pick me up and I explained that I lived far away and it would be back tracking. He didn't mind and insisted on picking me up. It turned out that the night of our date, my sister, who lived close to Tellers, asked me to pick up a book from my parents and drop it off to her on my way down. I was annoyed but like that good sister I am, told her I would do it. So Joey and I decide to meet at my parents. Weird, I know! I tell my parents I'm getting the book and my mom tells me they will be out to dinner around that time. Thank goodness:) There were only two days between the night we talked and the night we went out, so I didn't have much time to plan an outfit. I was so nervous that I changed my clothes at least five times. I didn't want to look too sexy, and I didn't want to look to casual. I decided I needed to look smart. Don't ask me why! Let me explain Joey. Very confident, friendly, funny, and did I mention confident. I couldn't quite figure out what his motive for going out with me was. Motive? Yes, that is how insecure I was. On one hand it was so nice to go out with someone who already knew I had a daughter. On the other hand I couldn't figure out why he would want to go out with me if he already knew I had a daughter. Guys like him didn't ask me out. I was so insecure that I couldn't wrap my head around it. It didn't make sense. So to keep myself from getting too close, or hurt. I put up a wall. It was a big, brick, giant wall.

Back to looking smart...

I decided to wear jeans (my butt always looked good in them) and a turquoise turtleneck sweater (it covered me and make me feel secure). I pulled up to my parents driveway and notice that their car is gone. Yes! I run inside, get my sister's book and as I'm walking out the front door, Joey is pulling into the driveway. I am literally running to his car to get out of there before my parents get home. Who meets someones parents on the first date? I'm almost to the car when my parents come pulling down the street. Great! Before I know it, they have him blocked in and my mom is getting out of the car. I'm not even sure my dad had come to a complete stop. He gets out of the car and walks straight up to her and introduces himself. She takes one look at us and says, "Oh my gosh! You guys dressed alike!" We look at each other and sure enough, we had. He was wearing a baby blue sweater with jeans. Not exactly the same but close enough. We both laughed it off. I guess he was going for a smart look, too. We drove down to my sisters, dropped off the book, and headed to dinner. The conversation flowed so easily. He asked me what had happened to Stan and how did I manage being a single mother. He was genuine in his concern with how I lived my life. It was as if he was fascinated by me and wanted to know everything there was to know about me. All the while, I'm thinking, I'm really not that interesting. Actually, if I told you everything I'd been through in the last five years, you would get up and run buddy! It didn't seem to bother him at all that I had a child. He was more concerned with how I did it and getting to know me for me. He told me all about his family and how he lost his dad at a young age. We talked about mutual people we knew and how funny it was that we had never bumped into each other before. Was this really happening? What is wrong with this guy? He's too good to be true. At one point during dinner, I looked over and there was an elderly couple sitting next to us. They were holding hands across the table sharing a bottle of wine. They looked like they truly loved each other. I made the comment that I would love to be like them one day. Joey looked and agreed that it was pretty cool to see such an old couple still able to enjoy one another. I think we both realized that we had a kindred spirit. It was like we had known each other our whole lives and I didn't want the night to end. I suggested calling our mutual friend who lived near by and meeting up for an after dinner drink. We met him and his girlfriend at a tiny little place around the corner. We were all laughing at Joey telling us jokes. Jokes that I can't believe he would tell on a first date! I really don't think it would have mattered what he said, I was hanging on his every word. We all laughed and carried on. He slides a napkin over to me and I see he has written something on it. I open it up and it says, "when can I see you again?" Man, he was smooth. I didn't even see him writing. I grab the pen and write, "when do you want to see me again?" Ha, ball back in your court sucker! He writes, "how about tomorrow?" WHAT?? This guy really likes me! I smile at him and tell him we'll have to work out the details later. We finally wrap up our night and say goodbye to our friends. As we are walking to the car he grabs my hand and I feel my stomach do a flip. I felt like Buddy from ELF, "I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love. And I don't care who knows it!" WAIT Rebecca, you said you weren't going to do this again. Take things slow. On the ride back to my car we discussed hanging out again. He was going to Florida for a long weekend and he wanted to hang out again before he left. No, Rebecca, say no! But how can I resist those beautiful blue eyes and that smile? He was so sweet! When we pulled into my parents driveway I didn't want to leave. We sat in the car talking for a while trying to drag out our date a little bit longer. Was he going to kiss me? I surely wasn't going to kiss him. Should I just open my door and bolt? I told him I needed to get going and leaned in to give him a hug. As I was pulling away, he kissed me. I swear there were fireworks and some song from Ghost playing. I was 100% smitten with this guy and knew I was going to end up heartbroken. How was I falling for him after one date? I must be the dumbest girl ever! Not this time. I ended up going to his place and watching him pack for his trip the very next night. We watched a movie and talked until I knew I had to go or else I would fall asleep. He called me every day that he was gone. His friends tell me that while under the influence, he rambled on about how he had found "the one." Little did they know, he had.

My confession: Even though my wall has crumbled, there is still a little bit left. As much as I am over things that have happened in my past, the scars are still there. I still fear that Joey can hurt me so I keep a little bit of that wall in tact. I have created the ultimate defense mechanism and I hate it!

Waffle House

After the last post, I received a lot of messages that really moved me. It is amazing how much support I have received in the last month just by telling my story. I forget that a lot of people that I am now associated with, have absolutely no idea what happened in my past. There have been several people who couldn't believe that I was in such a screwed up relationship with Jack. They see me for who I am now and can't imagine me being such a victim. It has made me realize how much I have stuffed down and hidden my past due to shame and embarrassment. Your messages and stories have helped me more than you will know. It has made me feel so much better about myself and the mistakes I have made. I am seeing a change in myself that I truly appreciate and it's due to the compassion that I received from others. Thank you!

I was in a dark place after Jack broke my hand. How was it possible for a 21 year old to hit rock bottom so many times? I remember feeling like my life was always going to be dysfunctional and full of pain and regret. I will never forget one evening I was sitting on my bed trying to do a homework assignment. Kailynn was watching TV in the other room so I decided to go to my bedroom to keep from being distracted. I had worked all day and wasn't really in the mood to do homework, but as usual, I waited until the night before to complete a huge assignment. Kailynn asked me what we were going to eat for dinner. Dinner? Why didn't I think of that? I thought about what was in the kitchen and since I had a limited supply of food I told her to have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She goes into the kitchen and makes herself a sandwich. I can hear her opening the cabinets and drawers, looking for all the supplies she will need. Then there is silence. I look up and she is standing at the foot of my bed. In her hand is a sandwich and she says, "I made one for you, Mommy." My heart sank into my stomach. Are you kidding me? What was I doing? My 5 year old just made me dinner. I grabbed her into my arms and squeezed her tight. It was in that moment I decided that I would finish the semester at school and would not return after winter break. I was broke, desperate, overwhelmed and I couldn't deal with it any longer. Kailynn needed to be my focus and I had replaced one distraction, Jack, with another, school. I was so busy trying to do the right thing and so worried about proving people wrong, that I didn't sit back and enjoy Kailynn for the little girl she was. She deserved better than a half attentive mother. It was a hard decision because I felt like a quitter but now that I can look back, it was the best decision I ever made. I believe that Kailynn has been the catapult for every decision I made when I was young. Everything I did was because of her and it lead me to where I am today. I'm sure she doesn't see it that way, but it is true.

When I think back to how miserable I was and how hard my life was, I am so proud of myself. I really hope that Kailynn will learn from my mistakes and always hold her head high. It's so hard raising children these days and it's even harder when you are still a child yourself. What is it that I want her to learn from me? Is it self respect? I ask myself all the time if I'm doing a good job. Kids don't go around giving their parents a pat on the back. I would really like to think that when she has children of her own, she will say, " I want to be just like my mom." That would be the best compliment ever! Does Kailynn think I did a good job? My desire to have her approval has only recently been brought to my attention. Maybe because she is going to technically be an adult. Not that I believe that my job is done, but 18 and going to college is a monumental moment in her life, and mine. I never expected things to turn out the way they did. I feel so blessed, even lucky. Does she feel the same way? Anyway, back to my story...


I had been out with a friend one night and we decided to end our night at Waffle House. There was an array of interesting company and we were enjoying the people watching. We were in the middle of eating our food when a familiar face approaches our table. It is a guy we both knew from high school. His name was Joey. I mostly knew him as a guy who dated another girl in our school. My friend knew him from her older brother. Joey was two years older than us so he had graduated before us and had been out of college for a couple of years. We did the typical catching up and the conversation was light and friendly. I was still in my cast and remember being so embarrassed. Please don't ask me what happened! As he stood there talking to us I was so taken by him. He had the most beautiful blues eyes. I remembered them from high school. But was he always this good looking? I didn't remember him being so handsome. He had a smile that lit up the room and a personality that drew people to him. He was the guy that everyone liked and I couldn't quite put my finger on it but, something was different about him. Like I said, I didn't really know him too well so it was hard to figure out. He didn't look like a boy, he was so strong and confident, like a man. He was sexy! I kept to myself and mostly listened to them catch up about sports and where my friend went to school. He returned to his table and we finished our meal. When we approached the cashier, I realized they did not accept credit cards. I had no cash and my friend had used up all her cash. Joey was sitting close by and came to my rescue. He offered to pay for my meal. So humiliating! I haven't seen this guy in six years, I'm not about to take his money! So what other option did I have? Grace, the nice cashier that Joey knew on a first name basis, told me that I could cross the street and get cash out of the ATM. Joey refused to let me go. His exact words, "I've got this Grace, I'm going to marry this girl one day and she's going to heighten my gene pool. We are going to make professional baseball players." Was this guy making fun of me? Oh well, it's getting late, I guess he can buy my $5.00 waffle house meal. He paid, I thanked him, and I left. Timing is everything. I was still in a bad place and wasn't ready for a relationship. I was dealing with my break up from Jack and trying to focus only on Kailynn. I walked out of there and didn't think about him again until three months later.

I had been at my work's Christmas party and some friends of mine suggested I meet them out afterwards. My parents had Kailynn for the night so I figured it would be a good idea. I met them at their house and changed  into more casual clothes. We hopped into a cab and set off for our favorite watering hole. As soon as we got there we headed straight to the dance floor. My favorite band was playing and I was so excited to get a front row spot. I wiggle my way through the crowd and feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and Joey is standing in front of me. "Oh my gosh! Hey!", in a high pitch squeal. I insisted that I buy him a beer to repay my debt and of course he refused. Joey had grown up playing baseball with one of my friends and noticed I was with him when he came over to say hello. We all talked a little and I decided that I needed to get him a beer before I forgot or he left. I went to the bar, ordered a beer, and went to find him. As I approached him I began to feel absolutely ridiculous. I see him standing around a couple of girls. What was I thinking? What if one of them is his girlfriend and thinks I am hitting on him? I'm an idiot. I get closer and he makes eye contact. I stick out the beer and say, "Here. This is to repay you for Waffle House." He tries to introduce me to his friends but I felt so stupid that I barely uttered a word. Then I abruptly say goodbye, turn around, and leave. Unbeknownst to me, Joey was following me. I head over to my friends when he calls out my name. He thanks me again for the beer and then suggests that we "go out" sometime. Is this guy serious? Doesn't he know that I have a child and I'm a train wreck? He was so put together, why would he want to go out with me? So I respond, "do you mean on a date?" You can imagine how he felt. I knocked the wind right out of his sails. He replied, "uh, yeah, is that okay? Or am I too short for you?" Another height joke? Of course I acted like I didn't notice I was an inch taller than him. Not to mention I was wearing three inch heals! I told him I'd love to go out with him. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. What was I doing? I had said I was going to be in charge from now on. No more dating! He made a joke about not wanting to wait three days to call me and I told him I didn't like games so call whenever he wanted. I didn't expect him to call and went to bed regretting giving him my number. The next morning I wake up and express to my friend that I couldn't believe I gave my number to Joey. She said, "Rebecca, he is going to call you. He was totally flirting with you at Waffle House that night." He was? I didn't see it that way but as it turns out, she was right. He called that very night.

My confession: Why is it still so hard to be proud of myself?