Sail Away

I'm so sorry it has taken me so long to write. I absolutely love telling my story but it can take me a while to finish and I need a block of uninterrupted time. I wish my job was writing. During the day is the only time I am alone and the day flies by when I have a million other things I should be doing! So today I am happy to be sharing my truth to be told, once again:)

Have a mentioned that I HATE surprises? Well, I do. I am very much a detective at heart and really can't help but pry when things don't seem to add up. I am not an easy person to surprise because my sixth sense usually perks up and I know something is coming. With that being said, Joey pulled off the biggest surprise of my life. Bigger than the fact I was pregnant at 16. Let's face it, it doesn't take a detective to figure out what happens if you have unprotected sex.

Joey and I had been dating for about 7 months and we were finding our routine of living together.  I went to work one Saturday morning and everything seemed normal when I left. I hated working Saturdays and dreaded leaving in the morning when Joey and Kailynn were going to spend the whole day together without me. It was nearing the end of my workday when I received a call from Joey. He informed me that Kailynn had swimmers ear and was in a lot of pain. I told him to give her some Advil and take it easy until I got home. I was instantly annoyed that I was at work and couldn't take care of her. I began telling my boss that Kailynn wasn't feeling well and that it would be nice if I could leave a little early if we weren't too busy. Things were really slow and about 30 minutes before close, she told me to go ahead and leave. I called Joey to let him know I was on my way home, and he asked me to stop at the store first to get Kailynn orange juice. Honestly, had I not been so concerned with her well being, I would have realized what a weird request this was. Orange juice? How was that going to help her ear?? I told him that I wanted to get home and would go to the store later in case I needed to get any other medicine or items for her. I grabbed my keys and headed home. I worked about 20 minutes away and had no idea what I was about to walk into. As I was getting closer, I hear someone honk their horn and realize that my sister-in-law was passing me. We waved and I drove on. I pull into my parking space and a neighbor stops me and asks me a few questions. I'm not in any mood to socialize, so I tell her Kailynn isn't feeling well and I needed to check on her, we'll talk later. I walk into the front door and I'm baffled. What the heck is going on???

There are roses EVERYWHERE. On the table, in the kitchen, on the TV stand, even rose petals on the floor. Candles are lit and my favorite David Gray song, Sail Away, is playing on the CD player. Then I notice next to the flowers on the table there is a card. Where the heck are Joey and Kailynn? I open the envelope and take out the card. It has a picture of two fish bowls, one with a fish in it, the other with a fish jumping out of his bowl and into the other. I open the card and it says, "We belong together". Um okay, still no clue what's happening. Some detective, right? Joey wrote, "I love you" and "follow the rose petals." I follow them into the living room where there were petals spelling the words, "Love never fails". Then I continue following them up the stair case and into our bedroom. I enter all the way through the doorway and he is standing at the foot of our bed all dressed up. I quickly scan the room and notice there are candles everywhere and my favorite black dress hanging in the bathroom doorway. Then it hits me! OH MY GOSH, he's proposing! How did I not see this coming? When did he plan this? More importantly, HOW did he plan this? He sees the shock on my face and smiles. "What are you doing?" I asked. What was I suppose to say? I was in shock. He gets down on one knee and begins reading something he had written on the back of an envelope from his work stationary. I honestly couldn't understand a word he was saying. I didn't know if I was going to cry or throw up! Was this really happening? Seriously, how did I not see this? Here is what he was actually saying:

There's a million different ways to tell you how I feel--
of the love that we have, so true and so real
You have changed my life, and all I want to be,
You've shown me what love is, and now I'm down on bended knee.
From the minute that I saw you,
I knew that you were the one
You make me so strong I am weak
So happy I am numb.
I don't know how you do it,
but you always find a way
You know exactly how to touch
Exactly what to say.
So to you I say this
From the bottom of my heart
Today until forever, our journey will start.
A journey as a family
the three of us strong
One journey so perfect,
It could never lead us wrong.
I take your hand today
and offer you this ring
To help create the story
Of the princess, queen and king.
I love you more than life
more than you will ever know.
My love will never end
Forever to you I'll show.
I only have one more thing to say,
I think you know what that might be-
Rebecca Lynn Pingley,
I want you to be my wife
Will you marry me?

I really only heard the last line to be honest. I stood there with my hands over my mouth and realized that he had asked me question. I grabbed his hand and pulled him into my arms. Of course I'll marry you! After a poem like that, what was I going to say:) No, seriously, it was the most amazing feeling I'd ever had. No one had ever made me feel as special as he did and he went out of his way to make sure I knew how special I was to him. I was the luckiest girl in the world and I knew it. So, where's Kailynn? How's her ear??? Silly me, it was all made up! He had asked my friends mom to keep her for the night and had dropped her off earlier that day. He was trying to stall me by asking me to get Orange juice because I told him I was leaving early and he still had a million candles to light. When I passed his sister, she had just left because she was helping him set the whole thing up. The neighbor was trying to talk to me to buy him a few more minutes. Thankfully, it all worked out. Oh, and the purpose of the black dress? He made dinner reservations at Tellers, where we had our first date. He had a bottle of champagne on ice in the bathroom sink. We popped it open and called all our family and friends to celebrate the good news. I changed into my dress and we headed to Tellers where we were greeted by a very excited hostess. When Joey made the reservation, he informed them he was going to propose and asked if we could have the exact table where we sat only 7 months ago. She takes us to our table and the manager greets us with a bottle of champagne. Yes! I am a huge fan of champagne.  As we are sitting there, Joey tells me that we were supposed to be sitting at the exact table we had our first date and he was a little disappointed because they misunderstood and put us at the table one over from where we had originally sat. And like something out of a movie, I reminded him of who was sitting at the exact table we were now sitting at. It was the little old couple holding hands across the table sharing a bottle of wine. This table was perfect and it was meant for us to sit there! He smiled at me and knew I was right. It was destiny. I loved him so much my heart could explode. I couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with this man.

I know what you are thinking. I made this whole thing up! I seriously am not. Even as I write about it, I am shocked at how awesome my proposal was. I still love Joey so much that my heart could explode, but it's a different more mature love. It's a very respectable love, the kind of love that lasts. But, I have had the best time today revisiting that night and thinking about how amazing it was. He was my prince charming that I had always dreamed of and it's good for me to remember that from time to time. I most certainly don't go around telling him enough! Joey and I are not perfect and by no means do I think we are poster children for marriage. We fight all time over stupid things, not so stupid things, things that matter, mostly over things that don't matter. (Who does more around the house) But at the end of the day, we are honest. We don't want to live our lives without the other. We know we are lucky to have each other and we believe it was God's plan that we be together. It's okay if we aren't perfect, no one is. So let me be completely honest with you now.


I confess:
I would never be the person I am now without Joey Clark and I am proud to admit it.


You are my best friend Clarky! I love you.

The Big Move

So...today is interesting because I have so much on my mind about what I want to write versus what I should write. Everyone tells me that honesty is the best policy but, sometimes the truth hurts.

Anyway...

Joey returned home from Florida and we began to officially "date". I wanted to keep Kailynn from meeting him in the event things didn't work out. Being a single mom was making this very difficult. After a few weeks I finally realized it was going to be impossible to keep them apart. I couldn't keep getting a babysitter every time we wanted to hang out. He was fine just hanging out at my apartment with the two of us but I was trying my best to keep Kailynn from seeing me in another relationship. Jack had taken a toll on both of us. My work was having a family roller skating get together and I figured this would be the best environment for them to meet. There was going to be lots of other people around and it would take some of the pressure off. Joey was super excited! I told Kailynn that we would be bringing a "friend" with us to the party. For all she knew, it was a girl. I was trying to give the least amount of information possible. She was only five, how much detail did she need? We get to the roller rink and I decide I'm not going to skate because I had recently injured my back. So Joey straps on his skates and off they went. I stood there watching them hold hands and going around in circles. Kailynn would fall and Joey would pick her right back up. She wasn't shy at all! He brings her over to me and she says she needs to use the restroom. The two of us go into the bathroom and while she's in the stall I ask her if she likes Joey. She says, "I kissed that boy!" What?! She explained that she fell and when he picked her up she kissed him on the cheek. Maybe them meeting wasn't a good idea after all. We go into the game room and he begins playing every game he can to win her prizes. She spots a ring in a machine and he spent $10 trying to get the exact ring she wanted. It was absolutely adorable! My heart melted at the sight of him with her. They became instant best buddies. Joey started volunteering to help out by picking her up from daycare so we could meet after I got off work. He took her to the grocery store one time and seriously bought her everything she wanted from the checkout lane! I had to sit them both down and explain how this wasn't going to be a habit. She shouldn't be asking for things and he was going to create monster if he continued to buy her everything she wanted. Looking back, it's amazing to me that the three of us did as well as we did. He didn't know how to date someone with a child, I didn't know how to date someone so loving, and she didn't know how to take the attention she was getting from a male figure. We were all new to this kind of relationship.

After about six months, Joey and I decided to move in together. Again, I questioned if I was doing the right thing for Kailynn. I had told him that I would only move in with him if he truly thought we would get married. He agreed that he didn't want to hurt Kailynn or me and assured me that his intentions were to get married. I had just turned 23 and wasn't  expecting to get married any time soon but felt the need to let him know what I was thinking and feeling. I really do think that us moving in together made me realize how much I needed him. I had trained myself not to need any one. It was so nice to know that when I came home, he was going to be there. He never told me one thing and did another. He included us in everything. Was this what a real relationship was like? Was I really worthy of his love? Joey had a way of making me feel like I was HIS gift. That HE was the lucky one. He used to tell me that he had never been in a relationship where he felt so helpless. I made him feel helpless? How? I was the one who was helpless. Didn't he realize he could do so much better than me? He could have anyone he wanted, and he chose ME? It's really hard for me to admit I felt this way because it seems so weak. Years of emotional stress had led me to believe I wasn't worth anything to anyone. In fact, he almost loved me too much. I had my wall up and didn't believe half the stuff he said. It often made me annoyed when he told me how much he loved me. What was he trying to prove? We had many arguments over if he was genuine or not. I honestly didn't know how to be in a positive relationship. I am by NO means saying that it was all rainbows and butterflies. But seriously, when I think of how hard it was for us starting out, it's amazing to me what a good job we actually did. I know I already said that but it's so true. All relationships are hard and we were starting ours off with a lot of baggage and trust issues. We were simply 23 and 25, doing the best we knew how. There isn't a manual for a man to read explaining how to be a good partner and father figure to a little girl who never even remembered having a dad. And there most definitely isn't a manual explaining how to be a good teenage mother who is now dating and moving in with someone who actually takes the time to do nice things for her. I used to feel like everyone around us felt like I owed Joey something. It bothered me when people would tell me how lucky I was to have him. Again, the wall was there. I knew I was lucky but I didn't feel like a lucky person at the time. I felt exhausted! I couldn't ever let my guard down too much in case he decided he didn't want to be with me. It had happened before with other relationships, what made Joey so different? Why didn't anyone ever tell Joey how lucky he was to have me? More importantly, why did I care what everyone else said? Joey was telling me that he was the lucky one. Why did I need to hear it from anyone else? I believe it was because I was still being tortured by my shame. I had allowed being a teenage mother to define me and assumed I was never going to be happy. I mentioned in a previous blog about choosing our own hurt. I wish someone could have told me the future. I would have held my head high and gave everyone else the middle finger! (metaphorically of course:)) For those of you who know me, I'm sure you are thinking that I did hold my head high. That was only my stubbornness refusing to let people know I was hurting. I'm thinking I should get an academy award for my performance! I wish I wouldn't have spent so much time wallowing in my own self pity!!

My confession: Through my experiences, I have developed a no tolerance for whining. It's okay to vent, but don't let your hardships define you! If you aren't happy, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!

Unchained Melody

It is always so hard to start my blog. I have to reread what I wrote the day before and then figure out how to start the new entry. So today I am simply going to pick up where I left off:)

Joey called me that Sunday night and I remember getting the butterflies before answering the phone. He called my cell phone and I didn't recognize the number but somehow knew it was going to be him. We talked for about an hour and we set a time and date for our first date. He wanted to take me to a restaurant close to where we met, the name was Tellers. I'd never heard of it but knew it was a nice place. Already I was feeling anxious because I wasn't used to a guy wanting to take me to a nice place. He said he would pick me up and I explained that I lived far away and it would be back tracking. He didn't mind and insisted on picking me up. It turned out that the night of our date, my sister, who lived close to Tellers, asked me to pick up a book from my parents and drop it off to her on my way down. I was annoyed but like that good sister I am, told her I would do it. So Joey and I decide to meet at my parents. Weird, I know! I tell my parents I'm getting the book and my mom tells me they will be out to dinner around that time. Thank goodness:) There were only two days between the night we talked and the night we went out, so I didn't have much time to plan an outfit. I was so nervous that I changed my clothes at least five times. I didn't want to look too sexy, and I didn't want to look to casual. I decided I needed to look smart. Don't ask me why! Let me explain Joey. Very confident, friendly, funny, and did I mention confident. I couldn't quite figure out what his motive for going out with me was. Motive? Yes, that is how insecure I was. On one hand it was so nice to go out with someone who already knew I had a daughter. On the other hand I couldn't figure out why he would want to go out with me if he already knew I had a daughter. Guys like him didn't ask me out. I was so insecure that I couldn't wrap my head around it. It didn't make sense. So to keep myself from getting too close, or hurt. I put up a wall. It was a big, brick, giant wall.

Back to looking smart...

I decided to wear jeans (my butt always looked good in them) and a turquoise turtleneck sweater (it covered me and make me feel secure). I pulled up to my parents driveway and notice that their car is gone. Yes! I run inside, get my sister's book and as I'm walking out the front door, Joey is pulling into the driveway. I am literally running to his car to get out of there before my parents get home. Who meets someones parents on the first date? I'm almost to the car when my parents come pulling down the street. Great! Before I know it, they have him blocked in and my mom is getting out of the car. I'm not even sure my dad had come to a complete stop. He gets out of the car and walks straight up to her and introduces himself. She takes one look at us and says, "Oh my gosh! You guys dressed alike!" We look at each other and sure enough, we had. He was wearing a baby blue sweater with jeans. Not exactly the same but close enough. We both laughed it off. I guess he was going for a smart look, too. We drove down to my sisters, dropped off the book, and headed to dinner. The conversation flowed so easily. He asked me what had happened to Stan and how did I manage being a single mother. He was genuine in his concern with how I lived my life. It was as if he was fascinated by me and wanted to know everything there was to know about me. All the while, I'm thinking, I'm really not that interesting. Actually, if I told you everything I'd been through in the last five years, you would get up and run buddy! It didn't seem to bother him at all that I had a child. He was more concerned with how I did it and getting to know me for me. He told me all about his family and how he lost his dad at a young age. We talked about mutual people we knew and how funny it was that we had never bumped into each other before. Was this really happening? What is wrong with this guy? He's too good to be true. At one point during dinner, I looked over and there was an elderly couple sitting next to us. They were holding hands across the table sharing a bottle of wine. They looked like they truly loved each other. I made the comment that I would love to be like them one day. Joey looked and agreed that it was pretty cool to see such an old couple still able to enjoy one another. I think we both realized that we had a kindred spirit. It was like we had known each other our whole lives and I didn't want the night to end. I suggested calling our mutual friend who lived near by and meeting up for an after dinner drink. We met him and his girlfriend at a tiny little place around the corner. We were all laughing at Joey telling us jokes. Jokes that I can't believe he would tell on a first date! I really don't think it would have mattered what he said, I was hanging on his every word. We all laughed and carried on. He slides a napkin over to me and I see he has written something on it. I open it up and it says, "when can I see you again?" Man, he was smooth. I didn't even see him writing. I grab the pen and write, "when do you want to see me again?" Ha, ball back in your court sucker! He writes, "how about tomorrow?" WHAT?? This guy really likes me! I smile at him and tell him we'll have to work out the details later. We finally wrap up our night and say goodbye to our friends. As we are walking to the car he grabs my hand and I feel my stomach do a flip. I felt like Buddy from ELF, "I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love. And I don't care who knows it!" WAIT Rebecca, you said you weren't going to do this again. Take things slow. On the ride back to my car we discussed hanging out again. He was going to Florida for a long weekend and he wanted to hang out again before he left. No, Rebecca, say no! But how can I resist those beautiful blue eyes and that smile? He was so sweet! When we pulled into my parents driveway I didn't want to leave. We sat in the car talking for a while trying to drag out our date a little bit longer. Was he going to kiss me? I surely wasn't going to kiss him. Should I just open my door and bolt? I told him I needed to get going and leaned in to give him a hug. As I was pulling away, he kissed me. I swear there were fireworks and some song from Ghost playing. I was 100% smitten with this guy and knew I was going to end up heartbroken. How was I falling for him after one date? I must be the dumbest girl ever! Not this time. I ended up going to his place and watching him pack for his trip the very next night. We watched a movie and talked until I knew I had to go or else I would fall asleep. He called me every day that he was gone. His friends tell me that while under the influence, he rambled on about how he had found "the one." Little did they know, he had.

My confession: Even though my wall has crumbled, there is still a little bit left. As much as I am over things that have happened in my past, the scars are still there. I still fear that Joey can hurt me so I keep a little bit of that wall in tact. I have created the ultimate defense mechanism and I hate it!

Waffle House

After the last post, I received a lot of messages that really moved me. It is amazing how much support I have received in the last month just by telling my story. I forget that a lot of people that I am now associated with, have absolutely no idea what happened in my past. There have been several people who couldn't believe that I was in such a screwed up relationship with Jack. They see me for who I am now and can't imagine me being such a victim. It has made me realize how much I have stuffed down and hidden my past due to shame and embarrassment. Your messages and stories have helped me more than you will know. It has made me feel so much better about myself and the mistakes I have made. I am seeing a change in myself that I truly appreciate and it's due to the compassion that I received from others. Thank you!

I was in a dark place after Jack broke my hand. How was it possible for a 21 year old to hit rock bottom so many times? I remember feeling like my life was always going to be dysfunctional and full of pain and regret. I will never forget one evening I was sitting on my bed trying to do a homework assignment. Kailynn was watching TV in the other room so I decided to go to my bedroom to keep from being distracted. I had worked all day and wasn't really in the mood to do homework, but as usual, I waited until the night before to complete a huge assignment. Kailynn asked me what we were going to eat for dinner. Dinner? Why didn't I think of that? I thought about what was in the kitchen and since I had a limited supply of food I told her to have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She goes into the kitchen and makes herself a sandwich. I can hear her opening the cabinets and drawers, looking for all the supplies she will need. Then there is silence. I look up and she is standing at the foot of my bed. In her hand is a sandwich and she says, "I made one for you, Mommy." My heart sank into my stomach. Are you kidding me? What was I doing? My 5 year old just made me dinner. I grabbed her into my arms and squeezed her tight. It was in that moment I decided that I would finish the semester at school and would not return after winter break. I was broke, desperate, overwhelmed and I couldn't deal with it any longer. Kailynn needed to be my focus and I had replaced one distraction, Jack, with another, school. I was so busy trying to do the right thing and so worried about proving people wrong, that I didn't sit back and enjoy Kailynn for the little girl she was. She deserved better than a half attentive mother. It was a hard decision because I felt like a quitter but now that I can look back, it was the best decision I ever made. I believe that Kailynn has been the catapult for every decision I made when I was young. Everything I did was because of her and it lead me to where I am today. I'm sure she doesn't see it that way, but it is true.

When I think back to how miserable I was and how hard my life was, I am so proud of myself. I really hope that Kailynn will learn from my mistakes and always hold her head high. It's so hard raising children these days and it's even harder when you are still a child yourself. What is it that I want her to learn from me? Is it self respect? I ask myself all the time if I'm doing a good job. Kids don't go around giving their parents a pat on the back. I would really like to think that when she has children of her own, she will say, " I want to be just like my mom." That would be the best compliment ever! Does Kailynn think I did a good job? My desire to have her approval has only recently been brought to my attention. Maybe because she is going to technically be an adult. Not that I believe that my job is done, but 18 and going to college is a monumental moment in her life, and mine. I never expected things to turn out the way they did. I feel so blessed, even lucky. Does she feel the same way? Anyway, back to my story...


I had been out with a friend one night and we decided to end our night at Waffle House. There was an array of interesting company and we were enjoying the people watching. We were in the middle of eating our food when a familiar face approaches our table. It is a guy we both knew from high school. His name was Joey. I mostly knew him as a guy who dated another girl in our school. My friend knew him from her older brother. Joey was two years older than us so he had graduated before us and had been out of college for a couple of years. We did the typical catching up and the conversation was light and friendly. I was still in my cast and remember being so embarrassed. Please don't ask me what happened! As he stood there talking to us I was so taken by him. He had the most beautiful blues eyes. I remembered them from high school. But was he always this good looking? I didn't remember him being so handsome. He had a smile that lit up the room and a personality that drew people to him. He was the guy that everyone liked and I couldn't quite put my finger on it but, something was different about him. Like I said, I didn't really know him too well so it was hard to figure out. He didn't look like a boy, he was so strong and confident, like a man. He was sexy! I kept to myself and mostly listened to them catch up about sports and where my friend went to school. He returned to his table and we finished our meal. When we approached the cashier, I realized they did not accept credit cards. I had no cash and my friend had used up all her cash. Joey was sitting close by and came to my rescue. He offered to pay for my meal. So humiliating! I haven't seen this guy in six years, I'm not about to take his money! So what other option did I have? Grace, the nice cashier that Joey knew on a first name basis, told me that I could cross the street and get cash out of the ATM. Joey refused to let me go. His exact words, "I've got this Grace, I'm going to marry this girl one day and she's going to heighten my gene pool. We are going to make professional baseball players." Was this guy making fun of me? Oh well, it's getting late, I guess he can buy my $5.00 waffle house meal. He paid, I thanked him, and I left. Timing is everything. I was still in a bad place and wasn't ready for a relationship. I was dealing with my break up from Jack and trying to focus only on Kailynn. I walked out of there and didn't think about him again until three months later.

I had been at my work's Christmas party and some friends of mine suggested I meet them out afterwards. My parents had Kailynn for the night so I figured it would be a good idea. I met them at their house and changed  into more casual clothes. We hopped into a cab and set off for our favorite watering hole. As soon as we got there we headed straight to the dance floor. My favorite band was playing and I was so excited to get a front row spot. I wiggle my way through the crowd and feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and Joey is standing in front of me. "Oh my gosh! Hey!", in a high pitch squeal. I insisted that I buy him a beer to repay my debt and of course he refused. Joey had grown up playing baseball with one of my friends and noticed I was with him when he came over to say hello. We all talked a little and I decided that I needed to get him a beer before I forgot or he left. I went to the bar, ordered a beer, and went to find him. As I approached him I began to feel absolutely ridiculous. I see him standing around a couple of girls. What was I thinking? What if one of them is his girlfriend and thinks I am hitting on him? I'm an idiot. I get closer and he makes eye contact. I stick out the beer and say, "Here. This is to repay you for Waffle House." He tries to introduce me to his friends but I felt so stupid that I barely uttered a word. Then I abruptly say goodbye, turn around, and leave. Unbeknownst to me, Joey was following me. I head over to my friends when he calls out my name. He thanks me again for the beer and then suggests that we "go out" sometime. Is this guy serious? Doesn't he know that I have a child and I'm a train wreck? He was so put together, why would he want to go out with me? So I respond, "do you mean on a date?" You can imagine how he felt. I knocked the wind right out of his sails. He replied, "uh, yeah, is that okay? Or am I too short for you?" Another height joke? Of course I acted like I didn't notice I was an inch taller than him. Not to mention I was wearing three inch heals! I told him I'd love to go out with him. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. What was I doing? I had said I was going to be in charge from now on. No more dating! He made a joke about not wanting to wait three days to call me and I told him I didn't like games so call whenever he wanted. I didn't expect him to call and went to bed regretting giving him my number. The next morning I wake up and express to my friend that I couldn't believe I gave my number to Joey. She said, "Rebecca, he is going to call you. He was totally flirting with you at Waffle House that night." He was? I didn't see it that way but as it turns out, she was right. He called that very night.

My confession: Why is it still so hard to be proud of myself?

Eye of the Tiger

So I had a such a revelation yesterday. Several college brochures arrived in the mail and I was looking at one of them that happens to be three hours away. It began to sink in that there is a possibility that Kailynn may not go to a college close to home. I expect her to, but she is 17 and changes her mind on a daily basis. It made me think of all the times I wished her childhood away. I can remember being so relieved when she turned one and I didn't have to buy formula anymore. Then when she could eat regular food and I didn't have to buy jars of baby food anymore. Potty training as early as possible so I didn't have to buy diapers anymore. And the biggest of all, going to Kindergarten so I didn't have to pay so much for childcare anymore! I would give anything to spend a day with her in diapers again. Now she is going to college and I'm left wondering where in the world did time go. Why on earth was I in such a hurry for her to grow up? How am I going to let go? That's when it really hit me...we grew up together. I'm not only sending my daughter away, but my best friend. But this is a time in her life that she needs to flourish and not be concerned with her mom. I think she's always had a protective feeling about me. As if she knew that I needed her more than she needed me. Don't get the wrong idea. I am her mother NOT her friend. But we've been through a lot together. Kailynn is a very intuitive special human being. She is a sensitive soul and has a heart of gold. Like me, she is strong and determined. But there is something so special about her that I cry thinking about what she has been through and smile because I know she will get through anything! Okay, I can't even talk about this today. So let's pick up where I left off...

After Stan, I had a few relationships that weren't really too serious. I dated a few nice guys and a few not so nice guys. When Kailynn was two, I rekindled an old fling with a friend of mine named "Jack". Remember the boy from summer that I mentioned before? Him and I had stayed friends all through my pregnancy and he even came to the hospital when Kailynn was born. He went to a different high school so it was nice having a friend that didn't have any connections to Stan. Him and his posse of friends were always so nice to me. They were a little rough around the edges and drove big beat up trucks. There was a "good ole boy" kind of feel to them. I always had a crush on Jack. He was tall, handsome and athletic. Again, all the qualities a 19 year old girl was looking for in a guy. But he also had a protective attitude about me and Kailynn. He didn't like Stan at all and I loved that fact that he was willing to kick his butt in my honor. It is so amazing to me that when you have had such a feeling of rejection for so long, that you can misread or mistake someones intentions as love.

I had graduated from dental assisting school and was working for an orthodontist. One day while at work they told me I had a phone call from someone named Jack. We really didn't have time to take phone calls as we were always busy with patients and tried to keep them all on schedule. I was surprised he was calling me at work so I immediately knew something was wrong. I took the call and he asked if we could meet after work. "What's wrong?" He explained that he couldn't tell me over the phone and that he needed to talk to me in person. How was I supposed to work after that? What in the world could have happened that he called me at work? I told him we could meet after I put Kailynn to bed that evening and we agreed on a place. When I arrived I could tell he was a mess. I know this is cruel but I can't tell you what he told me. Sorry. It's not that I have a need to protect him but, some things aren't my story to tell. What I can say is that it brought us very close and I was one of very few people who knew what he was going through. We started spending a lot of time together. People were starting to notice and I was beginning to have feelings for him. Once again, I am in a situation where I am "helping" someone and a relationship forms. Jack loved Kailynn and we would do stuff together a lot. He would even invite us over to have dinner with his family. His parents really enjoyed her and his mom would keep her so he and I could go out. We never did anything too crazy because neither one of us had any money. I felt like he was the love of my life. Everything I had been through with Stan was because God knew I was meant to be with Jack. Jack and I had a great relationship for about a year. It was when he realized that the trouble he thought he had been in, was a mistake. He wasn't in trouble at all. He began partying again and slowly slipping away from me. This was different from Stan because we were a little older and it felt more like a real relationship. He had been there for me through so much that it was hard to imagine he would ever leave me. By the time I was 20, my parents told me I needed to move out. Jack and his friend moved all of my stuff out and into my new apartment. It was pretty cool at first. Kailynn and I had our own place! I was terrified but knew that I could make it work. It meant again, that money was going to run my life. I had to pay rent, my car payment, insurance, phone, electric, etc. How was I going to do it all by myself? Jack spent a lot of time there but wasn't offering any financial support. He was a poor college student who's parents gave him money when ever he needed it. He had turned 21 and it was beginning to get on my nerves that all he ever wanted to do was go to bars with his friends. I would find girls phone numbers on pieces of paper that he kept in his wallet. He always denied cheating but, let's face it, was I really going to break up with him? We fought ALL the time. He would say he would be over at a certain time and then never show up. Then he'd call me the next day and make up some stupid excuse and I would buy it. I understood he was young and didn't have the same responsibility as me. At the same time, I wanted him to love me enough that he didn't care what he missed out on. I loved him and was going to make it work no matter what. I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to have another failed relationship, but most of all, I didn't want to explain to Kailynn why Jack wasn't around. She LOVED him! He never acted like a father to her but he was her buddy. He would drive her to school for me or pick her up if I got off work late. We would watch movies together and play with her. He was the closest thing to a dad she knew and I couldn't take that away from her. His family was there for me and how could I lose them too?

The summer Kailynn turned five, I decided I was going to change her name. She was about to start Kindergarten and I didn't want to take the chance of a teacher accidentally calling me MRS. STAN! Seriously, I had never taught her to call her self by her whole name. When I realized that she would be writing her last name in school, I couldn't stomach the thought. I went to the court house and they explained that all I really had to do was fill out some paper work, have it signed by her biological father, and then show up in court. I got up the nerve to call him and he seemed to be on something. I don't know if he was stoned or what but he seemed very willing to come to my work and sign the papers. Awesome, right? WRONG! Next thing I know, Mrs. Stan is calling me telling me she wants the name of my "loyer" and how did I think I was going to get away with this. Are you serious lady? Guess what Mrs. Stan, I'm not 16 anymore, so bleep off! Stan then calls me and says that if I change Kailynn's name, then he will be officially done. Um, OK, considering I wasn't sure when he ever started, it didn't bother me. He hadn't seen her since she was 18 months old! Needless to say, he didn't sign the papers. So I had to spend more money that I didn't have to send a certified letter from the courthouse informing him of the date and time. When the day came, I was so nervous. Jacks aunt and uncle went with me in the event of any drama. We show up and no one was there. We waited a few minutes and the judge finally decided to get started. He asked why I wanted to change her name and I explained that I was a single parent acting as the sole provider and I wanted her to have my maiden name. And by the way, change her middle name back to what it was supposed to be all along. Ashlee. He said he didn't see anything wrong with that and since the father didn't show up, and there was no record of him paying child support, there was nothing to dispute. Yay!

I also decided the summer before Kailynn went to school that I was going to start college. I needed to get a degree and set my life up as a single mom. If I was going to be a working mom, then I wanted to be a teacher so I didn't have to worry about childcare and holidays. Kailynn and I would have the same schedule and it would work out much easier. Not to mention, I really always wanted to be a teacher. I decided to be a health teacher so I could teach sex education to high school students. I figured they would relate to me and I would be able to help them understand how to make smart choices. I was accepted to a good school and believe it or not, scored pretty well on my ACT. My future looked bright and I was excited to start this new adventure. I didn't qualify for any assistance because I made too much money. $22,000 a year to be exact. So I took out a loan and continued to work 3 days a week. I was seriously broke. Anyway, that's a whole other story.

Right before Kailynn's 5th birthday, a friend invited me to Lake Cumberland. I had never been there before and could use a break from Jack and all the fighting. He had spent his summer doing who know what and who knows who. I made arrangements for Kailynn and when I got back on Sunday, Jack had Kailynn. He met me at my apartment and it was pretty uneventful. I had a hard time being home after having such a good time. It was hard coming back to reality and knowing that I had all this pressure waiting for me. I had promised Kailynn the Friday before that she could wear a yellow dress on Monday. The dress was completely wrinkled and I didn't have time to iron it on Friday so I promised she could wear it on Monday. This strikes me as funny because I could care less if my kids wear wrinkled, dirty, old clothes now. Just get dressed and go to school, it's not a fashion show! But Kailynn had to look presentable at all times or else in my mind people would say, "that's what happens when you have a teenage mom", "she can't even dress her". UGH! So silly! So we all wake up Monday morning and are running around to get ready. I had gotten out of the shower and hear Kaiynn and Jack arguing over what she is going to wear. Crap! I forgot about the dress! So I go in and start explaining that it's my fault she is upset. I forgot to iron the dress and I promised she could wear it on Monday. He was pissed! "Why does it matter what she wears?" he was yelling. I walked out of the room refusing to explain to someone who wore basketball shorts and shirts with sleeves torn off about the importance of fashion. I told Kailynn to put the yellow dress on and go ahead and get her shoes on and brush her teeth. I went to my bedroom to get dressed as they went into the bathroom. She was sitting on the toilet with her foot propped up on his leg while he tightened the strap on her shoe. That's when I heard him say, "if I were your mom, I would beat your f-ing ass for acting this way!" WHAT!? Oh, no he didn't! I stormed into the bathroom and grabbed his arm, spinning him away from her to face me. "YOU DO NOT TALK TO HER LIKE THAT!" And in one swift motion, he grabbed my wrist with his free hand, and with her shoe in his other hand, hit my hand. Instantly I knew something broke. I looked at my hand and could see it wasn't right. The pain was shooting up my whole arm. What had he done? How was this happening? Kailynn just sat on the toilet staring at us. I could see the fear on her face. I turned out of the bathroom and went straight to the phone. I called my friend and told her she needed to come over immediately, I thought my hand was broken. Jack starts apologizing and telling me it's not broken. He didn't mean to do it. All I could do was ask him to leave. Over and over again, JUST LEAVE. I call my work and tell them I'm not coming in because I think I broke my hand skiing that weekend. What have I done? Am I that terrible of a person that I deserved to be treated this way? Why had I stayed with him for so long. Something like this was bound to happen. How was Kailynn ever going to be a normal kid after all she had witnessed. The shame, guilt and embarrassment was overwhelming. Kailynn never went to school that day. I dropped her at my moms and my friend took me to urgent care. My left hand was broken and I had an ugly cast to prove it. I had to sit through the doctors telling me about abuse and how a lot of women think it will never happen again. It was humiliating. I told them I wasn't in an abusive relationship. Was I in an abusive relationship? They told me how emotional abuse can turn to physical abuse and one time is one time too many. But this was my best friend. We had known each other since we were 15! He had been there for me and I for him. He loved me, didn't he? I went to bed that night wondering where my life was heading. I was a good person who was trying to do all the right things. Why me? What had I done to deserve this? Was I really that unlovable? How could Jack hurt me this way knowing all I'd been through. Where was the protective guy I fell in love with? He saw how hard I working. How was I ever going to get over this?  I was used to him breaking my heart, but this had gone too far. I had to end things, but how? I found myself once again consoling the culprit. He did feel terrible. He said that he still believed we would be together one day and that he really did love me. I will tell you this, God does work in mysterious ways. If only I could have understood that then. I told Jack that there was no way we would ever get back together and here is why. What would I say or do if Kailynn ever came to me and said she was being abused by her boyfriend/husband? What if I thought she was in an abusive relationship and she was trying to hide it from me? I couldn't live with myself if she went through something like that and used my experience as an excuse. "Well, you stayed with Jack" or "Jack did it to you and you still loved him enough to give him another chance." I would not do it. My cousin came from 3 hours away and took Kailynn to stay with my aunt for a week so I could pull myself together. I stayed at my friends house where she helped me do my hair and cut up my meat. She even shaved my right armpit for me:) I had a lot of time to think about my future and how I needed to get my priorities straight. I didn't need a guy in my life! Kailynn and I were going to be just fine and I was going to start taking control of my future. Can you hear the Rocky theme song? Eye of the Tiger playing in my head. I was going to climb out of my pity and shame. I had done it before and I could do it again!

So Kailynn started her first day of kindergarten with her new name and I started my first day of college on the same day. I had all kinds of good stories about my cast. Skiing accident, a car accident, I think I even told some guy that was hitting on me that I was a police officer! It was all I could do to keep sane. 

Confession:

Ending my relationship with Jack is one of the best decisions I ever made. I forgive him and hope he is really happy where ever he is. If this helps ONE person who is in or has been in an abusive relationship, emotional or physical, I'm glad I've shared.

To my sweet Kailynn, I'm sorry you ever had to experience those times. Please forgive me:)

Life After Graduation

Today is a beautiful day. I have been sitting here on my couch for the last few minutes reflecting on my past posts and appreciating how far I have come. I have had over 5,000 page views and as awesome as that is, I'm beginning to feel a sense of pressure to please my readers. I can only pray that I am doing the right thing by sharing my story. No one likes to feel judged so bare with me while I tell my truth again today.

Once I graduated high school, I felt a huge relief and then a huge burden as well. Everyone else was going off to college and I wasn't quite sure what I was going to do. I had always assumed I would go to                college but it seemed too much of a burden financially and who was going to care for Kailynn while I attended college and worked for the next four years. I realized right away that everything in life was based on money. How was I going to make the most money in the quickest amount of time so that Kailynn and I weren't a burden to my parents? Tensions were flying high in my household and I was constantly trying to juggle it all. We were all flying by the seat of our pants and I was starting to resent my parents. Why were they making me work? Why wouldn't they babysit so I could go out with my friends? Why were they always so angry with me? It was not a good time for us. I got into a heated argument with my parents one day and I went into my room and locked the door. I called my friend hysterically crying and told her to come pick me up. I had enough! I couldn't take one more minute of responsibility. There were too many choices that had to be made and it wasn't fair that I had to figure it all out on my own. I missed out on so many things my senior year and I was tired of missing out. I needed a break! Everything came to a head in that moment and I needed to run away from all responsibility NOW. I snuck out my window and hopped into my friends car. I didn't know what I was going to do but I knew if I stayed in my house one more minute that I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I didn't return home until a month later. Again, the shame and the guilt was there. Who leaves their child for a month? Who abandons their own baby? I saw Kailynn but I didn't stay at my parents house. I felt suffocated there. I had such anger for them and them for me, I couldn't live there anymore. I felt their disappointment in every word and every look. I couldn't escape the regret and shame. It was everywhere. Looking back I truly believe I had a nervous breakdown. I know it sounds like an excuse and I never saw a doctor, so maybe not. But as an adult looking back, it seems completely reasonable. Sometimes life gives us circumstances that we can't wrap our minds around. I was so wrapped up in the trauma, even the drama, of my last 10 months, that I couldn't physically or emotionally take anymore. I was thinner that I had ever been and in a serious state of depression. I knew I would go home eventually, but my mind wouldn't let me do it. I ended up coming home two weeks before Kailynn's 1st birthday. Me leaving her is the biggest regret I have in my life to this point. I truly do believe that I needed that time to pull myself together and realize that as hard as life was with Kailynn, it was so much harder without her. While away from home, I realized that being a carefree "kid" wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. God had given me special gift, and I was neglecting to see it. It wasn't Kailynn that was keeping me from being happy. It was everything else that I didn't know how to cope with. I had let it consume me and cloud my judgement which resulted in yet another bad decision. Are you seeing a trend here?

Once I came home, my parents and I came up with a plan for me to go to school. I decided to go to dental assisting school that was about a 6 month program. I was going to school and working full time. It was a busy life but I felt better about myself now that I was getting some type of education and moving forward in my life. I knew I didn't want to live at home forever and needed a good job if I was going to support the two of us. I was actually excited about learning and absolutely believe that knowledge is power. (Even if it meant I was learning about teeth!) It was something new and giving me hope that I was going to have a future. Kailynn was growing like a weed and doing all kinds of cute stuff. She was such a loving little girl and things were actually getting easier from a parenting perspective. She was eating food (no more baby food and formula, yay!) She slept in her own bed and had her own routine of going to the babysitters and hanging out with me in my spare time. My best friend down the street loved spending time with her so we would hang out there a lot to get out of my house and give my parents a break. Her parents really took a liking to Kailynn and would get so excited when she came over. Her mom would even buy little toys for her and loved playing games or doing crafts while we visited. Even her dad loved playing with her! He had a miniature cast iron stove that came apart. The two of them would sit on the floor taking it apart and putting it back together over and over. He couldn't believe how smart she was and how quickly she learned to do it on her own. I think of these times and feel such a happiness in my heart that I had another family that loved me and Kailynn in such a selfless way. Kailynn always had so many people loving her, it made it easy to forget the ones who weren't.  Again, I wish I would have realized what I had at the time so I could have shown my appreciation more. This blog is really turning into a positive release for me. It's crazy that even though I felt like I had no one, there were people loving me all around. I think it's important to sit back from time to time and access the people you have or have had in your life. Did they know how much I needed them? Did they realize how much I appreciated them? Will they ever know how much they helped me in such a time of need? Luckily for me, I am able to tell them. But as I've matured, (I refuse to say "gotten older") I realize that it's important to let people know how you feel and not to let things go for another day. I want Kailynn to know how important it is to be thankful, appreciative, and humble. That is one of the most important reasons I am being so honest with my past. It's not to show her how hard it was being a single mom, but to learn from my mistakes. I'm not even talking about having a baby. It's all the other decisions I've made in search for love and acceptance. Not that she has to be perfect, but that she understands ME of all people realizes how far we are from perfection. That at the end of the day, I have her and if I had to go back I wouldn't change a thing. My experiences have taught me so much about myself, I hope they can teach her a little bit about herself too.

I'm sure you are all so curious to find out what it was like dating while being a teenage single mother. There goes my sarcasm again. Because I have quite the story to tell about my dating life, I will have to continue it tomorrow. It is one of the most important stories about my life as a teenage mom that I want to make sure I have time to deliver the right message. I wish I could say that when Kailynn was a baby, I met my husband and lived happily ever after. But unfortunately, I met him later.

Today I confess:

I am lucky to have had certain people help me along the way. Sometimes I feel guilty and unworthy.

Also, I don't want to put too much pressure on Kailynn. I've always felt like she had to be good so I wouldn't look bad.

The end of STAN

I got a really late start today so I hope I am able to be productive before my kids get home!

After I left the hospital, I started to find my routine with a baby. It was as if Kailynn knew I was hanging on by a thread and decided to be the best baby ever. The first night I brought her home she slept 6 hours! My mom was a help but she didn't sign up for getting up in the middle of the night. I was on my own. Stan had come over a few times and it was always hard for me when he left. I wanted us to be a little family and he wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. He decided to play football that fall so a lot of his time was spent at practice and two-a-days. The tension was growing thicker and thicker as I tried to mask my frustration with him and deal with a newborn baby day in and day out. School started back up and I tried to act normal but it was extremely hard. I had the same guilt any other mother would have leaving their newborn baby on top of the pressures of being a teenager in high school. I had to wear breast pads to prevent any leakage for crying out loud! The newness of Kailynn was wearing off and reality was setting in. Having a child is a huge commitment. I tried to blend in socially by taking Kailynn to a few events, but it always felt weird. No one else was carrying around a baby. My mom watched her all day while I was at school and then again at night when I went to work. She was in need of her own break. It was starting to take a toll on everybody!

When Kailynn was two months old my family went to visit my grandparents and great grandparents in West Virginia. I was excited to show off my baby and how many people can say they have a picture with their great, great grandmother. Kailynn didn't take to the three hour drive well and ended up being sick the whole weekend. It was stressful traveling with a newborn and being out of my element. I had no idea what it took just to get away for a weekend. Have you ever had a feeling in your gut when you knew something is wrong? I had this feeling the whole time. I tried calling Stan to let him know we were okay and Mrs. Stan said he was out and she'd let him know to call. I left my grandma's number and he never called. I tried not to read too much into, I was sure he got home late and didn't want to risk calling too late. We left early Sunday morning due to the fact I had to be at work by 3. My shift normally ended around 10  and at about 9:30 Stan shows up and tells me we need to talk. I knew then my gut was right all along. He hung out until ten and we rode over to my parents. He sat me down and told me I needed to "find a babysitter for Friday nights". Typically I would work on Friday nights and it was his job to keep Kailynn since my mom did during the day.  Since we were out of town that Friday "he really liked not having to babysit." Oh Stan, I am trying so hard not to make you look so bad. That is not my sarcastic voice. You can imagine my response. It's not BABYSITTING when it's your own kid! So his solution was for me to quit my job. My jaw dropped to the ground. How could I quit my job? Who was going to buy her diapers and formula? My mom had mentioned going back to work part time and I was going to need money for a babysitter. The request was so impossible, I couldn't do it. I finally had enough and told him to get out.

The next day at school was beyond awkward. I could literally see people talking behind my back. Stan avoided me like the plague. What was going on? Had he already told everyone we broke up. Did we break up?? I know I told him to get out but that didn't mean we weren't going to be together, did it? That's when someone finally had the nerve to pull me aside and fill me in. Apparently Stan had attended a party that weekend and had been seen with a Sophomore sitting on his lap. Are you kidding me? There was no way this was true. He was a lot of things, but not a cheat. I starting asking the typical questions. Who was she? Who all was there? Who's house were they at? I'm not sure why it really mattered. I was trying to blame someone, anyone, other than him. What kind of girl would do this to me? Doesn't she know that he has a baby with someone? Why wouldn't my friends who were there say anything to him? Were people really that self involved that no one was thinking of me and my 2 month old baby? No, because they were a bunch of carefree kids who were just trying to have a good time. It wasn't their fault, nor their responsibility. And how could I expect anyone else to stand up to him when I couldn't even do it myself. To say I felt betrayed was an understatement. You can imagine the rage that soared through my veins. I was livid. He didn't want to "babysit" because he wanted to go out to parties and flirt with girls. Well I wanted to do the same thing! (not flirt with girls) What about me? Was ANYONE thinking about ME? No one was going to break up my little family and I was prepared to do anything to get Stan to wake up and smell the roses. Me and Kailynn being the roses, of course. I would straighten this all out and things would go back to normal. Normal? What's that again?

Here was my new normal. Stan dating around while calling me every night telling me how terrible he felt. I would console him while he told me he needed time to figure things out. Then we would go to school and he would act like he didn't know me. He wasn't really seeing Kailynn at all and it was taking a toll on me. I was trying my best to act normal and move on with my life but it was extremely hard. I couldn't tell my friends what I was doing because I was too worried Stan would get mad at me. If he found out I told people, he would be mad and then I would really lose him. I was pathetic! It sickens me to admit this but... we were being intimate the whole time. Ahhh! What was I thinking? Being a 17 year old mother, daughter, student, etc. was seeming to be impossible. Why did I ever love this person? What in the world was I doing? He began dating a girl and getting kind of serious. I was starting to see myself as a mistress. ME, the mistress! How messed up is that? I decided I would confront this girl and let her know we were both being duped. She would get mad at him, break up with him, and he would HAVE to come back to me and Kailynn. Right? So I waited one day to get her attention and asked if she would go to the bathroom with me. We enter the bathroom and we are alone. Shwew! I was so nervous to tell her the news because I didn't want her to feel the same hurt I had felt by him. Him and I had a baby together and I was sure she would see there was a bond no one could break. I was wrong. She accused me of lying. She started yelling at me insisting that I was making the whole thing up just to get him back. Why would I make up sleeping with someone that I already had a baby with? Obviously we had already been together! I'm not going to lie about it now and make myself look pathetic for nothing. How could she really believe that I was a liar. I was in shock at how she reacted. SHE was mad at ME? Was I really that naive that I expected another girl to show compassion towards me for all that I had been through? Apparently, she was just as naive as me. Poor thing actually thought HE was the one with dignity. But then again, I guess he was. He wasn't in the girls bathroom pleading for me, it was me pleading for him. She bolted out of the bathroom leaving me standing there. It was then I knew I had hit rock bottom. I would NEVER let him make a fool of me again. What on earth was I thinking confronting this girl? Needless to say, Stan reacted exactly the way I was afraid of. He was furious with me. She told everyone what I had said and he told everyone I was lying. One girl overheard someone I thought was my friend, calling me a slut.

I went home and told my mom I would never go to school again. How could I face these people. Don't get me wrong. I know high school is hard for a lot of people but I was sinking into a dark hole everyday. Graduating high school was the least of my worries. I was beginning to think that my life wasn't even worth living. Kailynn would be so much better without me. I was a lying slut who trusted the most irresponsible, selfish teenage boy. How would I be able to raise her to make good choices when I couldn't even make them myself. I seriously started to hate myself and resent ever having a baby. They were all right. I wasn't going to be able to do this parenting thing and I was failing bigger than ever. I stayed home for about three days. My mom was getting furious with me for being a quitter. "You can either sit in here feeling sorry for yourself, or go back to school and prove them all wrong." Ok, I'll just sit here. Thanks for the advice though! Just kidding:) My mom called the assistant principle and set up a meeting for me. I went in and he told me that he had one job that year, to make sure I graduated from high school. He told me how his dad left his mom when he was little and his mom meant the world to him. That all the years of her being a single mom he had grown to admire and respect his mother for her strength. Was I really going to be a statistic? Didn't I want Kailynn to be proud of me? It was like a floodgate of emotions came pouring out. I told him EVERYTHING. The poor guy handed me a box of tissues and told me to get it ALL out. He was going to help me if that meant following me from class to class. Just having him care so much about me made me realize that I was being weak and selfish. My life wasn't about me anymore, it was about Kailynn. Was I really going to let Stan, Stan's girlfriend, and anyone else who wanted to dog me, keep me from graduation? Absolutely not!

After that I was very cautious about who I hung out with. I didn't have a huge group of friends but a few who were really there for me. I wish I knew then how much they would mean to me now. Even if we didn't stay close through the years, they were still a very important part of my life. They encouraged me to stay the heck away from Stan. Told me that I was too good for him and he didn't deserve me. They were telling me all the things I needed to hear just to go to school everyday. "Logan" was also raised by a single mom and told me if his mom could do it, then so could I. He seemed to have turned out okay:) It was nice to have people who still showed an interest in me for being Rebecca, not just the girl who had a baby while in high school. Things were far from good but they were better. I was learning how to live without Stan and it actually made me feel much better about myself.

I'm cracking up because I'm trying to finish this while my kids, all of them, are having a burping contest! Kailynn is teaching her little brother how to burp on demand. Maybe I have taught her some good life lessons:)

Confession:  I am seriously ashamed of my actions in this post. I don't blame anyone for any of my actions other than myself. But most importantly, I am tired of talking about STAN!!

Don't judge my grammatical or spelling errors as I did not have time to proofread!

I should have packed a bag!

I had so many wonderful conversations with several people yesterday. The Internet is an amazing tool for connecting and expressing feelings. All comments come to my email first for me to review before posting, so if you have questions that you would like to keep private, just let me know. Otherwise, I will post them so everyone can see. Someone told me that the only way to keep the blog real is to be myself and don't hold back. That is a little scary for me because ultimately I have to be responsible for what I write! I am not writing this anonymously so it's really putting it ALL out there.

Yesterday I was talking to an old friend and she reminded me of something I was thinking of while writing but didn't mention. When she told her parents I was pregnant, SHE was scared. She thought somehow she would be in trouble and they might ask her to keep away from me. Her parents didn't really know me that well and she was worried what they may think of her hanging out with a pregnant girl. Her dad sat her down and said, "Listen, don't you dare turn your back on this girl." How awesome is that? Her dad has since past away and it makes me so sad that I never got a chance to thank him for that. Thanks Chet! It says so much about someones character when they turn their back on someone in need and even more so when they don't. Rejection is an awful feeling and I hate to admit that I know it all too well.

My junior year wrapped up pretty uneventfully and I went into the summer knowing that by the end I would have a baby girl to take care of. I turned 17 on June 17th and my mom gave me a beautiful symbolic gift. She had her original wedding ring from dad #1 put into a pendant on a necklace. She told me that this would be my last birthday as a "child" so to speak and she wanted to give me something special. I couldn't believe it, this was going to be my last birthday as just Rebecca. Kailynn was due August 19th and by the grace of God I went into labor 3 weeks early on July 26th. By the grace of God? Yes, because it enabled me to start the first day of my senior year when everyone else did. On my first day of my senior year in high school, I had a one month old baby and started a job at Bob Evans. Let me back up, because I'm sure you want to read all about my labor:)

At my 32 week check up my doctor asked me if I had been having contractions. Uh, I don't know? What do they feel like? Wouldn't I know if I was having them? He explained that it kind of felt like a slight pull in my abdomen. Nope, didn't have that feeling. Then he asked me if I had been doing any "heavy lifting" or "physical activity". Did jumping on a trampoline count? This is where I am reminded how different being pregnant while in the best shape of your life is different that being pregnant when you are not. Yes, I had been jumping on a trampoline! I couldn't resist! Oh, did playing a game of basketball count too? It was only HORSE not a 3 on 3 tournament. So yes, doctor, I have been doing physical activity but don't worry, I haven't been lifting anything too heavy. But my response to him, "No, not at all". He said I was measuring much smaller than the week before and wanted to do an exam. "Okay?" No, not okay. I didn't want to have him examine me until absolutely necessary. It's a good thing he knew what he was doing because I was 70% effaced. My mom had been standing outside with her ear pressed tightly to the door. I swear I heard her gasp from inside the examining room. I had no idea what that meant, so I asked. He told me that my cervix was thinning and I needed to take it easy. He prescribed me some medication and I remained on it until my 37 week check up. On the very night of my 37 week appointment I told my mom I felt weird. She told me I had better pack a bag. Pack a bag? What for? I still had 3 weeks to go! I wasn't ready for this baby. I was still pulling myself together. All of the sudden I was feeling panic set in. Needless to say, I didn't pack my bag and at 8 o'clock the next morning, I am in full labor. I crawl into my mom's bed and tell her I think I'm having contractions. She fumbles around for her watch and tells me to let her know when I have one. "I just did." "Then tell me when you have another" she replied. So I tell her, "I'm having one." She shoots up in bed and says, "Rebecca! That was only three minutes! Go pack a bag!" Calm down mom, they don't even hurt. This is easy, why do the TV shows make such a big deal about labor. Man, I must be tough! I go into my room and start packing all the essentials. I was literally putting things in the bag and two seconds later pulling them out. What was I going to wear? People would be taking pictures so I needed to look cute. Did I have my make-up? I call Stan and let him know and he says he's on his way. Then it hits me. Labor that is. A contraction that takes my breath away. HOLY bleep! "MOM! It's hurting!" Yes, Rebecca, you are in LABOR she says. My mom was freaking out. She was like the men you see on the TV shows running in circles. We finally get in the car and I start putting on my make-up. Stan is in the back seat still trying to wake up and my mom says, "Why in the world are you putting on make-up?" Because I want to look good when I push this baby out, duh! Just another example of my priorities and how unprepared I was for motherhood. I really didn't think I would have my baby that day. On TV there are always false alarms and women are sent home after thinking they are in labor. I was prepared to be sent home. We check in and get settled in a room. The doctor comes in, examines me, and says,"Looks good, I'll be back to check on you soon." WHAT? I'm going to have the baby TODAY? No way! So then the phone chain started and everyone knew I was in labor. The same girl who's dad told her to stand by me shows up with a group of girls with a bunch of balloons. While I'm in labor! They are all standing around the bed talking, being giddy teenage girls. How were they to know what to do? Then some of Stan's family shows up. His older sister is watching the monitor and telling me, "this one is going to hurt, it's a big one!" OMG! Someone get her away from me! They are coming in and out acting annoyed that it is taking so long, I'm sure they were just nervous. They leave for a smoke and I motion for my mom to come near the bed. "Will you PLEASE ask everyone to leave?" I was in a lot of pain and wanted to be left alone. So when they returned she explained very kindly that I was in a lot of pain and wanted to be left a lone for a little bit. And they were pissed. They didn't just leave the room. They went home! I actually feel really bad for Stan when I think of this. How could his family just leave him there by himself?

I finally got an epidural and was feeling good. At 5:53 pm on July 26, 1996, I received the most precious little girl. She only weighed 6 lbs. .06 oz. NOTHING can prepare you for this miracle. I was instantly in love. So this is what real love is? I would have jumped in front of a bus for this child. Gone to the ends of the earth for her and I just met her. She had a ton of black hair and was so tiny. I was the luckiest person in the world and I just sat there holding her while my tears dripped from my cheeks onto her little body. They whisked her away to do all the tests and everything looked great. They moved me to the recovery room and got me situated in my room. I had never stayed in a hospital before. They pull me into a room and I realize it's a double. I'm going to SHARE a room with a stranger? Lucky for me no one ever used it. It was about 8 o'clock and everyone was ready to leave. Please don't leave! I don't want to stay here by myself. I was scared. But of course, I didn't say a word. Stan's family never came back to see Kailynn, and my family was tired. Everyone left me and I sat there alone with my thoughts and fears and began sobbing again. What just happened? Did I seriously just have a baby? What in the world am I going to do. I know, I'll call Stan. I call him and he is angry. You see, we had picked out the name Kailynn Ashlee (insert Stan's last name here) and at my baby shower my mom made a joke that we were naming the baby after her and my aunt. Kay for my mom (Karen) and Lynn for my aunt (Beverly Lynn) It was totally a joke. For crying out loud, MY middle name is LYNN. Wouldn't  I be naming her after ME? He was furious and telling me that he wanted to change her name. Look buddy, I just went through an entire day of labor, I'm completing traumatized by the events of the day, I'm alone in a hospital room and can't even move my legs because the epidural hasn't worn off and you want to attack me over a joke my mom made three weeks ago at a baby shower? Ok, then what do you want name her. Well of course, he wanted to name her Stan! LOL, ok, now I'm making myself laugh. Obviously it wasn't Stan, but you get the point. So again, to please him, I caved. But only a little:) We settled on Kailynn Stan (insert Stan's last name here). We got off the phone and I still couldn't pull myself together. This was way too much for any 17 year old girl to handle. I'm sure it was partly hormonal and part exhaustion but I couldn't stop crying.  I knew I should go to sleep, I was soooo tired. My mom had told me to let the nurses keep Kailynn for the night so I could get some rest. I had fed her at 10 and they asked if I wanted to feed her again at midnight or rest. I told them rest as my mom had suggested. I glanced at the clock and it was almost midnight. I picked up the phone and rang the nurses. "Can I please see my baby?" They brought her to me and I will never forget it. The nurse could see that I had been crying and asked me if I was alright. I told her yes and she didn't pry. She scooped Kailynn up out of the plastic bassinet and handed her to me. I had never loved anything as much as I loved her in that moment. She was perfect. I just stared at her while she took her tiny little bottle. She had no idea that her mother was a mess, a nightmare, a confused kid. But somehow I could feel that she loved me. It's amazing how resilient kids are. Even as a new born I knew we would have a connection that only her and I would understand. She was my sole purpose in life moving forward. I would do anything to give her a good life. As I think of this moment I am overcome by anger at myself. You will find out that I didn't always make such clear, good decisions. I wish I would have remembered how I felt on this day more often as I raised her alone.

Todays confession:

I am scared to tell you all the things that happen in the first year of Kailynn's life. Kailynn already knows and I'm wondering if that is enough. Why ruin this image you all have of me being so strong and brave. Truth is, I wasn't always strong and made some cowardly mistakes. Ugh!! What have I started??? If I don't write tomorrow it's because I'm still contemplating:)

P.S. I am dedicating this in memory of Chester Guy, you will never know how much this story means to me.

IT'S A GIRL!

Yesterday was hard! I've pushed so many things out of my mind due to the fact that again, I was taught not to dwell. Going through the story I could feel my heart racing and it was like I was that same little girl sitting at that table. Sometimes when I look back at all the things that I went through, I feel like it's someone else. Like I've seen a movie and can't quite believe that it was me starring in the main role. Today I'm going to tell you a story that has stuck with me all these years. I think most of us have a hard time remembering specifics about high school. I know I do for sure. Especially about other people. When you go to a big school, it's hard to remember names and events of everyone. So once again I will write with an open heart and tell my truth the way I remember it. This is only my perception.

Eventually I had to tell people that I was pregnant.  And when I say "people" I mean EVERYONE. I knew my family would love me no matter what so not that it was easy to tell them, but I knew they weren't going to disown me. Stan and I were still together but it felt forced. I knew that I wanted to be with him for Kailynn's sake and it ended up making me a doormat. Kailynn once told me she would NEVER let a guy treat her bad. I quickly reminded her to watch what she's says. Do you think I am a weak person? Can you imagine ME letting anyone walk all over me? "NO!" was her response. Well anything is possible and it's easy to get stuck in a rut. The horrible part of being a doormat for anyone, including friends, family, partners, coworkers, etc. is that you start believing you have no self worth. It's like cancer that spreads through your body. You begin to let things happen that you would never in million years expect to put up with. Then you start to question yourself. I am doing something to cause this? I must deserve this because I'm a terrible person. Or for a pregnant teenager, I've already failed at being responsible, I can't fail at this relationship too. If we stay together, everyone will see it was meant to be and I won't appear to be "used goods".  I can remember thinking that if Stan and I didn't work out, no one would be with me. Who in their right mind would date a 17 year old mother? Or 18 year old and so on. I would be alone. There is such a stigma for young pregnant girls. I really don't understand why. Lots of people were having sex too. Is it that they think we are dumb? At 16 you aren't thinking that it will actually happen to you. It's like riding a bike without a helmet. Lots of people have survived bike rides without brain injuries. But the ONE time you fall and hit your head, it can change your life forever. But yet you see people all the time riding around without a helmet. No one really thinks it will happen to them. So back to telling people...

I'm not really sure how people came to find out I was pregnant. In high school I can imagine now that it  was only a matter of minutes before the whole school knew. I most certainly wasn't showing. So I know I told my friends, who then told their friends, who then told everyone else. I began to notice whispers and stares in the hallway and it was clear that everyone knew. I hated it! Some people acted so fake around me. I'm not upset by it but I wanted things to be normal. It was like everyone felt sorry for me. I didn't want pity. I wanted to act like nothing had changed. Then there were the people who were genuinely concerned for me. I believe there were also quite a few people who didn't even believe it! No way! Rebecca?? I could see the disappointment on my teachers' faces and it was devastating. Except for my math teacher. He seriously had no idea! I sat in the front row and he still never caught on. But I liked it that way. He treated me like anyone else. (I learned later on that his wife was battling breast cancer, so I'm sure he had his own distractions) The worst I felt amongst my peers was when my elementary boyfriend found out. He actually had the guts to ask me to my face about these rumors. I had spent most of 5th & 6th grade wearing his cologne injected school jacket with his name displayed on my back. He sat next to me in spanish class. I'm sitting there before class starts and hardly anyone is around. He sits his books on his desk and looks at me. "Rebecca, are you (in a whisper) pregnant?" I sank in my seat. I wanted to hide. I could hear the disappointment in his voice and I couldn't lie to him. I could see the sincerity and concern on his face. "Yes" was all I could muster up. "But you were my first love" he replied. My heart sank. I had even disappointed him. Sorry! Trust me, I wasn't trying to hurt everyone I had ever met. At the time I didn't read anything into it but now I think it was so sweet. He was just being honest and trying to find out for himself. I was told once that he asked about me at a high school reunion and it makes me smile. It's not a romantic feeling but a good feeling that there is such a kind soul out there that worried about me. Even after all these years:)

Everyone eventually found out and it became kind of fun to talk about it. I can honestly say that for a bunch of teenagers, I had a pretty good support system. I was an expert at putting on a happy face, or at least I think I was. I wasn't really sharing my deepest darkest thoughts with anyone. I didn't want to scare them off. I was learning how to internalize my fear. I would go to school holding my head high but was a wreck on the inside. Grown married women can't control their emotions at times during pregnancy and I was mastering a facade. I had something to prove. I couldn't look weak or appear to be losing it because that meant I was failing. Failing at being pregnant? So sad to think I wasted so much time beating myself up when I was going to need all the encouragement in the world to survive. It was hard to function when I had excitement, fear, anxiety, issues at home, issues with Stan, issues with friends, even the normal day to day life of a high schooler. It was at times so overwhelming I felt as though I was suffocating.

It was finally time for me to have my ultrasound and find out what I was having. We made the appointment and I couldn't wait! Everyone was excited, including Stan. He showed his excitement by going to the mall and buying baby AIR Jordan's and hanging them on is rear view mirror. We show up to the hospital and a woman comes to get me. I really wish I was making this up but this is the God's honest truth. She called my name and when she saw me with Stan and my mom. She looked mad. What's her problem? Was I inconveniencing her by being at my appointment. She told my mom and Stan they weren't allowed back! Are you kidding me?? Since when? We just watched all kinds of people go back with their spouses and whomever else. I walk back into the room and she tells me to put the robe on and shuts the door. Well nice to meet you too. How was my day? Great, thanks for asking you old hag! I put the paper robe on and she returns and tells me to lay back. There are signs posted everywhere stating "this ultrasound is NOT to determine the sex of the baby, it is for medical reasons only!" Seriously? I mean, I get it. An ultrasound is meant to look for several other things besides a vagina or a penis, but was it really going to kill her to tell me. I didn't dare ask! She squeezed the cold gel onto my stomach, rolled the wand around, handed me a kleenex to wipe the gel off and said she would send the results to the doctor. I could get dressed and return to the lobby. So, I did as she said and when I came out my mom was pissed! "Are you done???" Well, I guess so mom. I told her what happened and she was fit to be tied. This was the mom I was used to seeing. I didn't want to make a big scene so we just left. What a brutal reminder that I wasn't worthy. I take that back, what a reminder that there are some seriously ignorant people out there.

I forgot to mention my OBGYN, he was AWESOME. He actually told me a story at my first visit about his sister having a baby when she was young. I felt he was so compassionate and he treated me with respect. At my next visit, he says, "ultrasound looks great! What are you having?" My mom went off, telling him the whole story. You could see the shock on his face. "I am so sorry" he said. "I want you to come to the hospital tomorrow and I will do the ultrasound myself, free of charge." We were ecstatic! So we went down and he treated me like a million bucks. He showed me her heart beating and her little legs. Counted all her little toes and fingers. Doing what I normal ultrasound technician would have done. Then he asked if I was sure I wanted to know. Of course! Tell me already. "IT'S A GIRL!" You could have heard a pin drop. Stan was devastated. Who was going to wear the air jordan's he bought? You see, he so desperately wanted a boy. And to be 100% honest, so did I. I knew I would have a better chance of him sticking around if he had a son. I was really beaming on the inside. A girl!! I'm going to dress her up, teach her all about make-up and think of all the little shoes I can buy her. She'll be like my little doll! But I didn't say any of that. Thank goodness because now it seems ridiculous. I couldn't admit my excitement. As we left my mom told Stan that she knew he was disappointed but father's have a very special bond with their daughters. That he would still love her and it didn't really matter as long as she was healthy. He wasn't buying it. He didn't talk to me for 3 days. It was all my fault because he knew I was really wanting a girl the whole time. Yes, you moron, I single handily impregnated my self with a female chromosome. The funny thing, it's the guy who determines the sex of the baby, not the woman. Another instance I knew I was alone. Thank you GOD for giving me a little girl. She totally was my little doll. And if I don't say so myself, she has great taste in makeup and shoes:)

I want to end on a very positive note today. I still don't like being a victim or sounding whiny and especially don't like the feeling of pity. There is a difference between pity and sympathy. This has taught me so much about myself in such a short amount of time. It's okay to feel bad about what has happened in our past. It is what we do moving forward that really matters. I don't want people to pity me because it seems like there is no hope when you pity someone. It is not pity that got me where I am today. Like Mr. T says, "I pity the fool". I don't want to look at myself as a fool. I was only a child. Children will be foolish but they have to learn from their actions and choose to make better decisions along the way.

My confession is easy today:

I know that I have made digs at Stan. But please understand that I have absolutely NO animosity or ill will towards him now. I am only recapping my feelings at the time. The truth is that I pity him. I am the winner in this scenario. Not the fool. Here is the definition of pity:

sympathetic or kindly sorrow evoked by the suffering, distress, or misfortune of another, oftenleading one to give relief or aid or to show mercy: to feel pity for astarving child. I couldn't be the mother I am today if I didn't let go of my anger and hurt. Remember this Kailynn! Not just with this story but with any relationship you ever have in your life. Try to always show mercy and grace. It's not always easy but you can NOT lose when you do!!

Mrs. Stan has something to say

I am writing today with a very heavy heart. There are so many thoughts racing through my mind about how to approach the following events.

Obviously after I told my mom the news, there were a lot of "talks" and discussions about what was going to happen next. I was raised to believe abortion was wrong. In eighth grade I even did a mock debate about pro-life. It was easy for me to not even consider this as an option. Stan felt the same way. There was no way he was going to "kill his own baby." When he got home from his basketball tournament he asked me to come over so WE could tell his mom and dad. I'm still not sure how I got suckered into that. So we sat down in the kitchen around a little table and he told his mom. Her response, "well, (big sigh), we'll have to take one day at a time." My reaction (on the inside), well, that was easy!! We got up from the table and that was the end of it. Are you kidding me? Did she hear us correctly? That went way better than when I told my mom! Stan and I went off and it seemed as though things were going to be okay. I actually felt a slight glimpse of excitement. The hard part was behind us. Again, my naivety was blinding.


A few days go by and my parents sit me down to have a "talk". They decide to tell me that it will be in my best interest to have an abortion. My jaw hit the ground. WHAT? You guys don't even believe in that! They continued by telling me all the sacrifices I would have to make and the struggles that ALL parents have, not to mention a 16 year old. I had my whole life ahead of me and this was going to ruin my life. You can imagine my surprise. Who were these people? Were they crazy? How could they ask me to do such a thing? Before you start judging them, remember the fear they had. They were trying to "fix" a situation and keep me from growing up so early. They weren't ashamed of me or worried what other people would think of me or themselves. They were simply trying to keep me from the hurt and devastation of becoming a mother at too early of an age. And they were right. I had NO idea what kind of sacrifices were ahead. I most certainly had no idea what kind of hurt was in front of me. I left the conversation feeling completely lost. It was crazy that they were suggesting such a thing! I told them there was no way in hell and I could do it on my own. I didn't need them. Ha! I was going to need them more than I thought.

I stormed off to my room and called Stan to tell him how terrible my parents were. He agreed. He told me there was no way I was going to have an abortion. He was going to tell them off if they suggested it again. Ah, wasn't he so supportive? (sorry, sarcasm is so addicting) I come home from school the next day and my mom tells me we are going to Stan's house after dinner to talk with his family. She had talked to Mrs. Stan that day and they thought it would be a good idea for us to all sit down and chat. I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. My mom had NEVER talked to Mrs. Stan, this couldn't be good. Stan calls me when he gets home and tells me his mom shared the same news. I expressed my concerns with him in regards to our moms talking. It couldn't be too bad, after all, Mrs. Stan is the one who said we will take it one day at a time. She would talk some sense into my parents and calm them down. In fact, my mom seemed in a better mood already. They must have had a good talk today and ironed everything out. Stan assured me that he wouldn't let anyone yell at me or gang up on me. I told him he didn't know my mom and that he should be scared. He wasn't.

On this evening, we had a terrible snow storm. So bad that school was cancelled the next day. I believe it was so I could recover from the events I am about to describe.

We show up at their house and gather into the kitchen which was the size of a closet. My mom, Mrs. Stan, Stan, and myself sit around the tiny table while our dads leaned up against the counter behind us. Everyone was smiling and saying their hellos and all seemed to be well. Then we got down to business. Mrs. Stan starts telling me that her and my mom had a talk and she really thinks an abortion is the best way to go. Say what??? I had never said a cross word to this woman and was raised to be respectful to adults. I couldn't yell at her like I did my mom. She told me that I wouldn't graduate from high school, I would lose all my friends and oh by the way, Stan wouldn't help me raise this baby. Well she was right about two things. (well, not ALL my friends) I looked at Stan expecting him to raise all hell at the accusations his own mother was making. He sat with his head down. Just staring at the table. All the while, I'm thinking..Say something you idiot! Don't let your mom talk to me like this! I just stared at him, hoping he would look at me and react in some way. He didn't. So I began to defend myself. Mrs. Stan was starting to raise her voice at me and I looked at my mom expecting her to say, "back off, only I'm allowed to talk to my kid that way!" But, she didn't. I explained that I knew I could do it. That I was willing to do whatever it took to graduate AND have my baby. That's when she laid it on me. She tells me that Stan doesn't want the baby and he didn't tell me because I don't let him tell me how he really feels. I seriously thought I was going to throw up. I don't "let" him tell me how he feels? Ok, then tell me STAN, how do YOU feel? Big surprise, he just stared at the table. "See?" says his mom. "I told you!" I am literally punching these keys in anger. Have you ever had a moment where you wish you could go back in time and do it over? I would have slapped her false teeth right across the room:) Wow, that was bad. Sorry. Maybe my honesty is a little too much??? I knew at that moment, I was alone. I was going to deal with this by myself and somehow it was all my fault I was pregnant and if I had the baby it was going to be all my "problem". So I simply said to him, "If you are going to let your mom continue to talk to me this way, then I'm leaving." He looked up. Looked me square in the eyes and said, "There's the door." So, I stood up, walked out the door and got straight into the car where is was freezing and literally wept. I'm serious. It wasn't a cry, it was a sob. The kind where snot is dripping all over and you don't think you will ever stop. It wasn't long and my parents were at the car. Stan came out to say goodbye and tried to console me. Is this guy bipolar? What kind of game was he trying to play? I will never understand. It took FOREVER to get home! The roads were terrible. I wanted out of the car and in my room as soon as possible. I thought about jumping out of the car. No, it was too cold and I hate the cold. My mind was racing with terrible thoughts. I hated my parents, hated Stan, hated Mrs. Stan, heck I even hated Mr. Stan and he never said a word. I hated everyone. But most of all, I hated myself.

We finally got home and I ran to my room and locked the door. I flung myself on my bed and laid there in fetal position praying. Please God make me strong. Please God make me strong. Please God help me get through this. Please, please, please. I'll NEVER ask for anything else. Get me through this! And then there was a knock at my door and I heard my mom say my name. "Go AWAY!" I'm never coming out of here again." "Open the door, Rebecca" she replied. I opened the door and laid back in my bed burying my face. I couldn't look at her. I wouldn't look at her. She had betrayed me and I'll never forgive her!! Then she said the best words a mother could say to her pregnant 16 year old daughter. "Rebecca, you are not having an abortion and we will never talk about it again. I hope you know I love you." She closed the door and I thanked God he had given me a little sign that I was going to be okay.

It is very important that you understand how much it pains me to write these things. My parents terribly regret their actions in the heat of their pain and worry. My mom told me once that she was sorry she ever asked me to even consider such a thing. I don't blame my parents for reacting the way they did. My parents never acted ashamed of me or Kailynn. They are both proud grandparents and are very proud of me for making the decision I did. I would even venture to say they are proud of me for sticking to what I believed in. After all, that is the way they raised me! Where's dad#1 in all of this? He was 4 hours away without a clue. I was about 5 months pregnant when I finally had the guts to tell him.

Today I confess: Even this did not make me realize that Stan and I weren't going to be together forever!!

P.S. I love you Mom and Dad