I feel like such a slacker. My intentions were to have a more completed blog at this point. The truth is, I was putting off writing because the pressure of the truth can be so overwhelming at times. Then I felt like I was jumping all over the place. I have so much more to say to Kailynn and my time with her is slipping away so quickly. So I'm going to try my best to sum it up in this entry. After all, she will be 18 tomorrow and this is one of her gifts!
To my sweet Kailynn,
This is harder than I thought. I would rather say nothing than to admit you are leaving home in a month and the dynamics of our family will forever be changed. I'm overwhelmed with sadness, excitement, nervousness, pride, fear, happiness, and every other emotion you can imagine. I cannot wrap my head around the fact you will be 18 tomorrow. Even though I don't think being 18 makes someone an adult, it does mean that you are turning a page and closing a chapter in your childhood. You are leaving home and living independently for the first time amongst a bunch of strangers for crying out loud! I wish you the best and want you to follow your dreams no matter how crazy they might seem. You are one of the strongest people I know and I am lucky to be your mom. Here is some motherly advice I feel is important moving forward:
1. Choose your friends wisely! Don't waste your time thinking you can change someone or that they will change just to be your friend. Not to sound cynical but, people are naturally selfish. Surround yourself with people who will build you up and be the kind of friend that you expect people to be to you. It's ALWAYS a two way street:)
2. Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT fall in love with the first boy that gives you attention. You have four years of school ahead of you and it should be fun and adventurous. (not too much!)
3. Remember to always respect yourself.
4. Know your limitations
5. Don't forget God is always with you
6. Remember, Daddy and I will always be here for you.
7. Knowledge truly is power even if you don't get paid for it.
8. Don't sweat the small stuff. The past is exactly that, the PAST. Move on! Basically, don't be a victim.
9. I prefer not to be a grandma before 40:)
10. Last but not least….please do not become an all American girl-next-door heroine addict. I saw an Oprah special about good girls gone bad and thought I should at least mention it!
11. Learn to forgive yourself!
In all seriousness, please be true to yourself and know that you have a support system that loves you very much.
I hope this blog has given you some type of insight to my past and you understand that I'm not ashamed anymore. I'm hoping my brutal honesty will make you proud of our journey together. I know it has empowered me in ways I didn't think possible. Putting yourself out there can be very hard at times but, it can also be very rewarding. I know it hasn't been easy for you to read (especially me losing my virginity…ewww!) but I'm glad you did. My true intent was to allow you to see me vulnerable and to let you know I haven't always been perfect:) You will inevitably make mistakes and it's up to you to overcome them. No one can do it for you…not even me!
HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY!!
Love,
Your Mother
My confession:
First of all, I am so thankful to all of the people who have shown interest in my personal diary. I have had over 12,000 hits on this blog! It's funny to run into someone I haven't seen in a long time and they tell me they love my blog. Or the people who I see all the time that ask me when I'm going to write again. I think I've mentioned this before (it's been so long, I'm not sure) but I didn't really expect anyone to read it, let alone comment on it but most of all, connect to it. So many people have connected in different ways. Some to me, some to Kailynn, to Joey, my parents, my in-laws, everyone in a different way. The amount of pressure I began to feel was crazy! I wrote so much in the beginning because I wanted to get it all out. It was like a poison festering inside that I needed sucked out all at once or else it would be left lingering, waiting to surface again at another time. I wanted all the shame and guilt gone, for good. I didn't realize how tight of a grasp my past had on me. It has been beyond liberating to be honest to the point of humility. Then, once all the past was out, I felt the future creeping up on me and I didn't want to face it. I dread moving Kailynn into her dorm. I want a redo with her! After all the purging came regret. Seriously, how could I have been so blind? How did I waste so much time and energy on losers when I had this amazing child in front of me? Bottom line…she deserved better. That is a hard pill to swallow. I know, I know, if I didn't make the choices I had made, then I wouldn't we wouldn't be where we are now. Can't I have both? A redo and the present? The answer is no. So I am left with the reality of my choices, good and bad, and have to find a way to forgive myself. Which is always the biggest challenge of all. I'm adding a #11 to my motherly advice now. I don't want to say this blog is over because I will always be a "teenage mother" but for now, my story is on pause. Thank you so much for being a part of this amazing unfinished story:)
Love,
Rebecca
