So it's Valentine's Day! To be honest, I'm not really that girl that gets all sentimental about it. I feel like most people fall into one of these categories on Valentine's Day: hate it, love it, couldn't care less about it. It makes me think about why it is that I'm not a big fan of a day about love.
Love has gotten me into a lot of trouble in my past. I was given the special gift of being able to love those that may not really deserve my love. Most of the time it feels more like a curse than a gift, but as I grow in my faith I realize it really is a gift from God. (Or am I telling myself that so I don't feel like a doormat?) When I was young and in love, it caused me to make poor decisions for myself. I thought that love meant standing by someone and being there for them not matter what. I had to learn very quickly that puppy love is not the same thing as actual love. Then, I had Kailynn. Instantly, I realized what real unconditional love was. Nothing can prepare you for how much you instantly love your child. So you see, she changed the love game for me. As I proceeded in what may have been the most dysfunctional relationship, I did it out of love for her. What a mother can do out of love for a child can be dangerous. I was willing to let someone treat me like trash because I thought it showed how much I loved my daughter. Wow, did you get that? I thought love was letting someone treat me like trash...man, 17 was a rough age. But, wait...the saga continues. So then cupid strikes again and I find someone who really loves me. He loved me so much, that he would break up with me any time he wanted, so he could do whatever he wanted, just to come back a few days later and tell me how much he missed me and Kailynn. And because I am blessed with this gift of stupidity, I mean love, I would always take him back. I had convinced myself that it was LOVE, but it was actually my complete lack of self respect. Not to mention I didn't want Kailynn to feel abandoned, yet again. Seriously, even now, I want to slap myself. Why is it so easy for us to use love as an excuse to do stupid things? It literally took a broken hand to wake me up and realize that I wasn't in a loving relationship, I was in an abusive one. So, yeah, "love" and I didn't really get off to a good start. I used love as an excuse and in turn love crapped on me. I know this sounds really bitter but it was how I felt at the time. I can remember praying that God would make me stronger and a better mother, to take away my weakness and stupidity (as if I had nothing to do with it). I knew I couldn't be a good example for my own daughter if I was going to let "love" dictate my actions. I had never felt humiliation the way I did when I was getting my hand casted and the nurses were counseling me on domestic violence. I remember thinking, "how in the world did it come to this?" After all, I am a strong, independent woman! And so I decided to blame love, not the person who caused me the hurt, but love. In my mind, if I hadn't loved him so much, this would have never happened to me. It was time to be accountable for my own decisions and stop being a victim.
When I met my husband, I had a ton of walls built around me and Kailynn. I was very cautious about getting close to him and trusting him when he said he loved me. You can ask him now and he would tell you that he's still earning my trust. We've been married almost 14 years and I'm still making the poor guy earn my love. I know it exhausts him sometimes and I know that I've definitely softened some of my walls but I can't bring myself to completing surrender because love has left a very deep scar on my heart. Like the Bible says in 1 Corinthians, "love is patient and kind". My husbands love for me is patient and most definitely kind. That my friends, is real love.
I seriously confess:
I've never thought of myself as a feminist or a girl power kind of woman (I seriously despise labels considering I basically had to wear a scarlet letter the entire time I was pregnant and then looked at with disgust because I was a teenage single mom). However, when I write about my past, it ignites such a passion to prevent other women from ever having to feel the way I have. Why in the world is so much of our self worth dictated by what a man thinks? Or anyone, for that matter? Am I the only one that feels this way? The hypocrisy can be overwhelming! Don't worry, I won't be burning any bras in the street. (those suckers are way too expensive) I end this with a reminder to my self and to others who may feel the same way I do at times. God loves you, everything about you, junk included and He always will! That's the kind of love worth fighting for!
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Thursday, January 19, 2017
STOP. COLLABORATE and LISTEN
Have you ever misinterpreted a text? Or sent a text and someone took offense because they read it the wrong way? This makes me crazy. My mom always laughs at me because I respond with one word responses. Apparently, unlike the majority of the world, I HATE TEXTING! I'm a girl of the past. I love picking up the phone and calling people. It seems more personal to me and I feel like it's always more productive that way. Have you ever called someone and left a message then they respond in a text? If I wanted a text, I would have texted you:). My poor daughter. She's a junior in college and I still make her talk to me on the phone. You can hear happiness, sadness, excitement, disappointment, loneliness, if someone is overwhelmed, a plethora of other feelings from someone's voice. I refuse to except that I live in a world where it's okay to text someone how you feel versus saying it to them. I want to hear the sincerity in someone's voice. In a world where we are constantly comparing ourselves to others, and looking at pictures of people and assuming what they are thinking and how they are feeling, do we ever just follow the great advice of Vanilla Ice? Stop, collaborate and listen? Seems pretty simple but, it's harder than you think. Let's break it down.
First, we have to STOP. Stop what? Well, obviously, I'm going to say stop texting constantly! But seriously, stop whatever it is that is taking up so much of your time that you can't even have a conversation with someone. There are a lot of vices out there. Netflix and Amazon can suck hours of your life away and you don't even realize it. Ask me, I can tell you all about it. Seriously though, if you are looking for a good show, ask. I have friends who can barely carry on a conversation because their kids are wreaking havoc in the background. I don't care, at least it's real, and I can offer them words of encouragement. Like, "Enjoy them now, it only get's worse!" or "Wait until they learn sarcasm, that's when the real fun begins!" Kids cry people! Especially if you are on the phone!
Second, COLLABORATE! The definition of collaborate is as follows:
Google search
verb
work jointly on an activity, especially to produce or create something
So let's collaborate and create something! Never underestimate the power of creating a bond with someone. It's okay to spend time with people and getting to know them. The real them. I have "known" people and then in a blink of an eye been completely floored by their actions or something they've said. That's okay! We aren't meant to be perfect robots who never make mistakes or say something stupid. I have literally left a situation before and thought, "what in the world was I thinking?" or "why in the world did I just say that?" And I promise, I really don't know. My intentions were pure in my head, but my words and actions may prove otherwise. This brings me to our third and most important step.
LISTEN! Have you ever been in a conversation where you know the other person isn't listening to a word you are saying? It's so frustrating! Sometimes, we just need to be heard. I think God uses these situations so that I will turn to Him instead. As if he is saying, "you are getting nowhere Rebecca, come to Me instead" (insert Morgan Freeman voice because that's the voice I imagine God having) Listening is not a skill set that comes easy for everyone. So let's be a little more forgiving, can we? We all love to be heard, but isn't it hard to listen? When we really listen to one another, I think we understand each other more. Not everything has to be taken so personally. Sometimes, people are so full of pain that if one person could just listen to them, they would feel better. You can't put your true feelings in a picture or in a text. We need to listen to one another more often and get the facts straight before we make assumptions. You know what happens when we assume, you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me."
Confession:
It is often hard for me to listen because I want to insert my two cents! I am learning that I don't need to have all the answers, it's not my job. Being a good listener requires patience and acceptance. Not everyone is going to handle things the way I would handle it, and that's okay. (is it? Joking!) My point is that I am working on accepting people the way they are and realizing it's not my job to change them, but to love them the way Jesus loves me. I know Jesus scares some people. Proverbs 18:13 says, "spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish."
Your non-texting friend,
Rebecca
Psalms 19:14
First, we have to STOP. Stop what? Well, obviously, I'm going to say stop texting constantly! But seriously, stop whatever it is that is taking up so much of your time that you can't even have a conversation with someone. There are a lot of vices out there. Netflix and Amazon can suck hours of your life away and you don't even realize it. Ask me, I can tell you all about it. Seriously though, if you are looking for a good show, ask. I have friends who can barely carry on a conversation because their kids are wreaking havoc in the background. I don't care, at least it's real, and I can offer them words of encouragement. Like, "Enjoy them now, it only get's worse!" or "Wait until they learn sarcasm, that's when the real fun begins!" Kids cry people! Especially if you are on the phone!
Second, COLLABORATE! The definition of collaborate is as follows:
Google search
verb
work jointly on an activity, especially to produce or create something
So let's collaborate and create something! Never underestimate the power of creating a bond with someone. It's okay to spend time with people and getting to know them. The real them. I have "known" people and then in a blink of an eye been completely floored by their actions or something they've said. That's okay! We aren't meant to be perfect robots who never make mistakes or say something stupid. I have literally left a situation before and thought, "what in the world was I thinking?" or "why in the world did I just say that?" And I promise, I really don't know. My intentions were pure in my head, but my words and actions may prove otherwise. This brings me to our third and most important step.
LISTEN! Have you ever been in a conversation where you know the other person isn't listening to a word you are saying? It's so frustrating! Sometimes, we just need to be heard. I think God uses these situations so that I will turn to Him instead. As if he is saying, "you are getting nowhere Rebecca, come to Me instead" (insert Morgan Freeman voice because that's the voice I imagine God having) Listening is not a skill set that comes easy for everyone. So let's be a little more forgiving, can we? We all love to be heard, but isn't it hard to listen? When we really listen to one another, I think we understand each other more. Not everything has to be taken so personally. Sometimes, people are so full of pain that if one person could just listen to them, they would feel better. You can't put your true feelings in a picture or in a text. We need to listen to one another more often and get the facts straight before we make assumptions. You know what happens when we assume, you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me."
Confession:
It is often hard for me to listen because I want to insert my two cents! I am learning that I don't need to have all the answers, it's not my job. Being a good listener requires patience and acceptance. Not everyone is going to handle things the way I would handle it, and that's okay. (is it? Joking!) My point is that I am working on accepting people the way they are and realizing it's not my job to change them, but to love them the way Jesus loves me. I know Jesus scares some people. Proverbs 18:13 says, "spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish."
Your non-texting friend,
Rebecca
Psalms 19:14
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
New Year, New Me? Maybe, it's still early.
Hello All! I come to you today with an open heart and a need to share some personal insight. I know I'm a little late on the self help, New Years Resolution trend. However, I'm in awe of how much I need to vent my thoughts. When I started Confessions of a Teenage Mother, it was to scream from the mountain tops, "I'm a teenage mother and my daughter is awesome!" But, that's really not what happened. I was humbled by the support and love that showered me. Almost to a point of not wanting to write anymore. People's opinions were flowing in and it was very intimidating. I started worrying more about grammatical errors, and commas, and quotations, and run on sentences (am I doing one now?) and it became harder and harder to be authentic. Which brings me to this:
What does it mean to be authentic? We live in a world of insta-fix. We don't like a picture of ourselves, we filter it. We post everything we do and what our kids eat, drink, say, do. If we don't have kids then we post our pets, in some cases, both! Then we post pictures of ourselves being good parents at every game, school activity, date night, movie, vacation, etc. Don't get me wrong, social media is a great tool. I'm just as guilty as the next person. But why isn't anyone posting a video of their kid refusing to brush their teeth, or my personal favorite, refusing to shower!!! Or a picture of an email the teacher sent saying your kid was misbehaving in school, or the prescription of the anti-depressant you just picked up because you feel like you are hanging on by a thread and don't know how to get out of it? With a post, "feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown and want to drive as far away from here and never come back." Can you imagine posting a picture of the scale with a caption, "yep, gained another 5 pounds and feel miserable, who's with me?"
*sidenote- I just wrote another example that made me laugh out loud but couldn't post it because there might be such a thing as too much honesty!
Anyway, this is all leading me to consider how authentic of a person I am. I'm a true believer that we all learn more from hardships than any success we've gained. Everyone finds comfort in someone else's misery. So why aren't we sharing our miseries? Seriously, I'm asking. I don't have the answer. Is it pride, embarrassment, humiliation? Do we want people to think we are better than what we really are? Mine is most definitely pride. There, I said it. I'm a prideful person. I hate for people to think of me as weak or needy. I hate depending on someone else. I'd starve myself if it meant proving a point that I don't need something. Ok, that's a lie. I love food too much but, you get my point! I am the type of person who's bucket gets filled when someone tells me they are proud of me or I did a good job. I guess that never really goes away. My Mommaw, who you will find that I will reference a lot, God rest her soul, used to tell me that it was important to be just as pretty on the inside as the outside, if not more. So in a society that seriously cares more about appearances, myself included, I find this extremely difficult. How am I ever going to be authentic if I care more about what people see, than what they know is true in my heart?
So here is what I can promise you. I promise to be completely authentic once a week while I continue to write. I wonder if I can do it. Will it help me make a difference in myself and the way I relate to others? My sole purpose is to become someone that I'm proud of. After all, if we can't be proud of ourselves, then who will be? As adults, it's not very often we feel proud, we are too busy comparing ourselves to others, and complaining about what we want, deserve, and are entitled to, instead of enjoying what's right in front of us. My first step is growing in my faith. Let's see what happens. Maybe it will inspire others to be more authentic as well. Hopefully this will be a place that people feel more "normal", whatever that is, and not a place where you have to keep up with society.
MY FIRST AUTHENTIC CONFESSION:
I am on a cleanse and trying to lose 15-20 pounds. This is my third product I'm trying because let's face it... Cleansing and dieting is not for me. I'm mortified at the thought of putting on a bathing suit and hate being naked. For those of you who want to judge me because I'm not as big as you and you'd "give your left leg" to be as "big" as me, well, medium girls have body issues too! My issues aren't any less "real" than yours.
*oh man, I'm afraid I just offended so many people. Yikes!
Five minutes after I wrote this, someone pointed out all my typos. So, I fixed them. Thanks, Mom!
What does it mean to be authentic? We live in a world of insta-fix. We don't like a picture of ourselves, we filter it. We post everything we do and what our kids eat, drink, say, do. If we don't have kids then we post our pets, in some cases, both! Then we post pictures of ourselves being good parents at every game, school activity, date night, movie, vacation, etc. Don't get me wrong, social media is a great tool. I'm just as guilty as the next person. But why isn't anyone posting a video of their kid refusing to brush their teeth, or my personal favorite, refusing to shower!!! Or a picture of an email the teacher sent saying your kid was misbehaving in school, or the prescription of the anti-depressant you just picked up because you feel like you are hanging on by a thread and don't know how to get out of it? With a post, "feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown and want to drive as far away from here and never come back." Can you imagine posting a picture of the scale with a caption, "yep, gained another 5 pounds and feel miserable, who's with me?"
*sidenote- I just wrote another example that made me laugh out loud but couldn't post it because there might be such a thing as too much honesty!
Anyway, this is all leading me to consider how authentic of a person I am. I'm a true believer that we all learn more from hardships than any success we've gained. Everyone finds comfort in someone else's misery. So why aren't we sharing our miseries? Seriously, I'm asking. I don't have the answer. Is it pride, embarrassment, humiliation? Do we want people to think we are better than what we really are? Mine is most definitely pride. There, I said it. I'm a prideful person. I hate for people to think of me as weak or needy. I hate depending on someone else. I'd starve myself if it meant proving a point that I don't need something. Ok, that's a lie. I love food too much but, you get my point! I am the type of person who's bucket gets filled when someone tells me they are proud of me or I did a good job. I guess that never really goes away. My Mommaw, who you will find that I will reference a lot, God rest her soul, used to tell me that it was important to be just as pretty on the inside as the outside, if not more. So in a society that seriously cares more about appearances, myself included, I find this extremely difficult. How am I ever going to be authentic if I care more about what people see, than what they know is true in my heart?
So here is what I can promise you. I promise to be completely authentic once a week while I continue to write. I wonder if I can do it. Will it help me make a difference in myself and the way I relate to others? My sole purpose is to become someone that I'm proud of. After all, if we can't be proud of ourselves, then who will be? As adults, it's not very often we feel proud, we are too busy comparing ourselves to others, and complaining about what we want, deserve, and are entitled to, instead of enjoying what's right in front of us. My first step is growing in my faith. Let's see what happens. Maybe it will inspire others to be more authentic as well. Hopefully this will be a place that people feel more "normal", whatever that is, and not a place where you have to keep up with society.
MY FIRST AUTHENTIC CONFESSION:
I am on a cleanse and trying to lose 15-20 pounds. This is my third product I'm trying because let's face it... Cleansing and dieting is not for me. I'm mortified at the thought of putting on a bathing suit and hate being naked. For those of you who want to judge me because I'm not as big as you and you'd "give your left leg" to be as "big" as me, well, medium girls have body issues too! My issues aren't any less "real" than yours.
*oh man, I'm afraid I just offended so many people. Yikes!
Five minutes after I wrote this, someone pointed out all my typos. So, I fixed them. Thanks, Mom!
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