Cupid is Stupid

So it's Valentine's Day! To be honest, I'm not really that girl that gets all sentimental about it. I feel like most people fall into one of these categories on Valentine's Day: hate it, love it, couldn't care less about it. It makes me think about why it is that I'm not a big fan of a day about love.

Love has gotten me into a lot of trouble in my past. I was given the special gift of being able to love those that may not really deserve my love. Most of the time it feels more like a curse than a gift, but as I grow in my faith I realize it really is a gift from God. (Or am I telling myself that so I don't feel like a doormat?) When I was young and in love, it caused me to make poor decisions for myself. I thought that love meant standing by someone and being there for them not matter what. I had to learn very quickly that puppy love is not the same thing as actual love. Then, I had Kailynn. Instantly, I realized what real unconditional love was. Nothing can prepare you for how much you instantly love your child. So you see, she changed the love game for me. As I proceeded in what may have been the most dysfunctional relationship, I did it out of love for her. What a mother can do out of love for a child can be dangerous. I was willing to let someone treat me like trash because I thought it showed how much I loved my daughter. Wow, did you get that? I thought love was letting someone treat me like trash...man, 17 was a rough age. But, wait...the saga continues. So then cupid strikes again and I find someone who really loves me. He loved me so much, that he would break up with me any time he wanted, so he could do whatever he wanted, just to come back a few days later and tell me how much he missed me and Kailynn. And because I am blessed with this gift of stupidity, I mean love, I would always take him back. I had convinced myself that it was LOVE, but it was actually my complete lack of self respect. Not to mention I didn't want Kailynn to feel abandoned, yet again. Seriously, even now, I want to slap myself. Why is it so easy for us to use love as an excuse to do stupid things? It literally took a broken hand to wake me up and realize that I wasn't in a loving relationship, I was in an abusive one. So, yeah, "love" and I didn't really get off to a good start. I used love as an excuse and in turn love crapped on me. I know this sounds really bitter but it was how I felt at the time. I can remember praying that God would make me stronger and a better mother, to take away my weakness and stupidity (as if I had nothing to do with it). I knew I couldn't be a good example for my own daughter if I was going to let "love" dictate my actions. I had never felt humiliation the way I did when I was getting my hand casted and the nurses were counseling me on domestic violence. I remember thinking, "how in the world did it come to this?" After all, I am a strong, independent woman! And so I decided to blame love, not the person who caused me the hurt, but love. In my mind, if I hadn't loved him so much, this would have never happened to me. It was time to be accountable for my own decisions and stop being a victim.

When I met my husband, I had a ton of walls built around me and Kailynn. I was very cautious about getting close to him and trusting him when he said he loved me. You can ask him now and he would tell you that he's still earning my trust. We've been married almost 14 years and I'm still making the poor guy earn my love. I know it exhausts him sometimes and I know that I've definitely softened some of my walls but I can't bring myself to completing surrender because love has left a very deep scar on my heart. Like the Bible says in 1 Corinthians, "love is patient and kind". My husbands love for me is patient and most definitely kind. That my friends, is real love.

I seriously confess:

I've never thought of myself as a feminist or a girl power kind of woman (I seriously despise labels considering I basically had to wear a scarlet letter the entire time I was pregnant and then looked at with disgust because I was a teenage single mom). However, when I write about my past, it ignites such a passion to prevent other women from ever having to feel the way I have. Why in the world is so much of our self worth dictated by what a man thinks? Or anyone, for that matter? Am I the only one that feels this way? The hypocrisy can be overwhelming! Don't worry, I won't be burning any bras in the street. (those suckers are way too expensive) I end this with a reminder to my self and to others who may feel the same way I do at times. God loves you, everything about you, junk included and He always will! That's the kind of love worth fighting for!