So I had a such a revelation yesterday. Several college brochures arrived in the mail and I was looking at one of them that happens to be three hours away. It began to sink in that there is a possibility that Kailynn may not go to a college close to home. I expect her to, but she is 17 and changes her mind on a daily basis. It made me think of all the times I wished her childhood away. I can remember being so relieved when she turned one and I didn't have to buy formula anymore. Then when she could eat regular food and I didn't have to buy jars of baby food anymore. Potty training as early as possible so I didn't have to buy diapers anymore. And the biggest of all, going to Kindergarten so I didn't have to pay so much for childcare anymore! I would give anything to spend a day with her in diapers again. Now she is going to college and I'm left wondering where in the world did time go. Why on earth was I in such a hurry for her to grow up? How am I going to let go? That's when it really hit me...we grew up together. I'm not only sending my daughter away, but my best friend. But this is a time in her life that she needs to flourish and not be concerned with her mom. I think she's always had a protective feeling about me. As if she knew that I needed her more than she needed me. Don't get the wrong idea. I am her mother NOT her friend. But we've been through a lot together. Kailynn is a very intuitive special human being. She is a sensitive soul and has a heart of gold. Like me, she is strong and determined. But there is something so special about her that I cry thinking about what she has been through and smile because I know she will get through anything! Okay, I can't even talk about this today. So let's pick up where I left off...
After Stan, I had a few relationships that weren't really too serious. I dated a few nice guys and a few not so nice guys. When Kailynn was two, I rekindled an old fling with a friend of mine named "Jack". Remember the boy from summer that I mentioned before? Him and I had stayed friends all through my pregnancy and he even came to the hospital when Kailynn was born. He went to a different high school so it was nice having a friend that didn't have any connections to Stan. Him and his posse of friends were always so nice to me. They were a little rough around the edges and drove big beat up trucks. There was a "good ole boy" kind of feel to them. I always had a crush on Jack. He was tall, handsome and athletic. Again, all the qualities a 19 year old girl was looking for in a guy. But he also had a protective attitude about me and Kailynn. He didn't like Stan at all and I loved that fact that he was willing to kick his butt in my honor. It is so amazing to me that when you have had such a feeling of rejection for so long, that you can misread or mistake someones intentions as love.
I had graduated from dental assisting school and was working for an orthodontist. One day while at work they told me I had a phone call from someone named Jack. We really didn't have time to take phone calls as we were always busy with patients and tried to keep them all on schedule. I was surprised he was calling me at work so I immediately knew something was wrong. I took the call and he asked if we could meet after work. "What's wrong?" He explained that he couldn't tell me over the phone and that he needed to talk to me in person. How was I supposed to work after that? What in the world could have happened that he called me at work? I told him we could meet after I put Kailynn to bed that evening and we agreed on a place. When I arrived I could tell he was a mess. I know this is cruel but I can't tell you what he told me. Sorry. It's not that I have a need to protect him but, some things aren't my story to tell. What I can say is that it brought us very close and I was one of very few people who knew what he was going through. We started spending a lot of time together. People were starting to notice and I was beginning to have feelings for him. Once again, I am in a situation where I am "helping" someone and a relationship forms. Jack loved Kailynn and we would do stuff together a lot. He would even invite us over to have dinner with his family. His parents really enjoyed her and his mom would keep her so he and I could go out. We never did anything too crazy because neither one of us had any money. I felt like he was the love of my life. Everything I had been through with Stan was because God knew I was meant to be with Jack. Jack and I had a great relationship for about a year. It was when he realized that the trouble he thought he had been in, was a mistake. He wasn't in trouble at all. He began partying again and slowly slipping away from me. This was different from Stan because we were a little older and it felt more like a real relationship. He had been there for me through so much that it was hard to imagine he would ever leave me. By the time I was 20, my parents told me I needed to move out. Jack and his friend moved all of my stuff out and into my new apartment. It was pretty cool at first. Kailynn and I had our own place! I was terrified but knew that I could make it work. It meant again, that money was going to run my life. I had to pay rent, my car payment, insurance, phone, electric, etc. How was I going to do it all by myself? Jack spent a lot of time there but wasn't offering any financial support. He was a poor college student who's parents gave him money when ever he needed it. He had turned 21 and it was beginning to get on my nerves that all he ever wanted to do was go to bars with his friends. I would find girls phone numbers on pieces of paper that he kept in his wallet. He always denied cheating but, let's face it, was I really going to break up with him? We fought ALL the time. He would say he would be over at a certain time and then never show up. Then he'd call me the next day and make up some stupid excuse and I would buy it. I understood he was young and didn't have the same responsibility as me. At the same time, I wanted him to love me enough that he didn't care what he missed out on. I loved him and was going to make it work no matter what. I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to have another failed relationship, but most of all, I didn't want to explain to Kailynn why Jack wasn't around. She LOVED him! He never acted like a father to her but he was her buddy. He would drive her to school for me or pick her up if I got off work late. We would watch movies together and play with her. He was the closest thing to a dad she knew and I couldn't take that away from her. His family was there for me and how could I lose them too?
The summer Kailynn turned five, I decided I was going to change her name. She was about to start Kindergarten and I didn't want to take the chance of a teacher accidentally calling me MRS. STAN! Seriously, I had never taught her to call her self by her whole name. When I realized that she would be writing her last name in school, I couldn't stomach the thought. I went to the court house and they explained that all I really had to do was fill out some paper work, have it signed by her biological father, and then show up in court. I got up the nerve to call him and he seemed to be on something. I don't know if he was stoned or what but he seemed very willing to come to my work and sign the papers. Awesome, right? WRONG! Next thing I know, Mrs. Stan is calling me telling me she wants the name of my "loyer" and how did I think I was going to get away with this. Are you serious lady? Guess what Mrs. Stan, I'm not 16 anymore, so bleep off! Stan then calls me and says that if I change Kailynn's name, then he will be officially done. Um, OK, considering I wasn't sure when he ever started, it didn't bother me. He hadn't seen her since she was 18 months old! Needless to say, he didn't sign the papers. So I had to spend more money that I didn't have to send a certified letter from the courthouse informing him of the date and time. When the day came, I was so nervous. Jacks aunt and uncle went with me in the event of any drama. We show up and no one was there. We waited a few minutes and the judge finally decided to get started. He asked why I wanted to change her name and I explained that I was a single parent acting as the sole provider and I wanted her to have my maiden name. And by the way, change her middle name back to what it was supposed to be all along. Ashlee. He said he didn't see anything wrong with that and since the father didn't show up, and there was no record of him paying child support, there was nothing to dispute. Yay!
I also decided the summer before Kailynn went to school that I was going to start college. I needed to get a degree and set my life up as a single mom. If I was going to be a working mom, then I wanted to be a teacher so I didn't have to worry about childcare and holidays. Kailynn and I would have the same schedule and it would work out much easier. Not to mention, I really always wanted to be a teacher. I decided to be a health teacher so I could teach sex education to high school students. I figured they would relate to me and I would be able to help them understand how to make smart choices. I was accepted to a good school and believe it or not, scored pretty well on my ACT. My future looked bright and I was excited to start this new adventure. I didn't qualify for any assistance because I made too much money. $22,000 a year to be exact. So I took out a loan and continued to work 3 days a week. I was seriously broke. Anyway, that's a whole other story.
Right before Kailynn's 5th birthday, a friend invited me to Lake Cumberland. I had never been there before and could use a break from Jack and all the fighting. He had spent his summer doing who know what and who knows who. I made arrangements for Kailynn and when I got back on Sunday, Jack had Kailynn. He met me at my apartment and it was pretty uneventful. I had a hard time being home after having such a good time. It was hard coming back to reality and knowing that I had all this pressure waiting for me. I had promised Kailynn the Friday before that she could wear a yellow dress on Monday. The dress was completely wrinkled and I didn't have time to iron it on Friday so I promised she could wear it on Monday. This strikes me as funny because I could care less if my kids wear wrinkled, dirty, old clothes now. Just get dressed and go to school, it's not a fashion show! But Kailynn had to look presentable at all times or else in my mind people would say, "that's what happens when you have a teenage mom", "she can't even dress her". UGH! So silly! So we all wake up Monday morning and are running around to get ready. I had gotten out of the shower and hear Kaiynn and Jack arguing over what she is going to wear. Crap! I forgot about the dress! So I go in and start explaining that it's my fault she is upset. I forgot to iron the dress and I promised she could wear it on Monday. He was pissed! "Why does it matter what she wears?" he was yelling. I walked out of the room refusing to explain to someone who wore basketball shorts and shirts with sleeves torn off about the importance of fashion. I told Kailynn to put the yellow dress on and go ahead and get her shoes on and brush her teeth. I went to my bedroom to get dressed as they went into the bathroom. She was sitting on the toilet with her foot propped up on his leg while he tightened the strap on her shoe. That's when I heard him say, "if I were your mom, I would beat your f-ing ass for acting this way!" WHAT!? Oh, no he didn't! I stormed into the bathroom and grabbed his arm, spinning him away from her to face me. "YOU DO NOT TALK TO HER LIKE THAT!" And in one swift motion, he grabbed my wrist with his free hand, and with her shoe in his other hand, hit my hand. Instantly I knew something broke. I looked at my hand and could see it wasn't right. The pain was shooting up my whole arm. What had he done? How was this happening? Kailynn just sat on the toilet staring at us. I could see the fear on her face. I turned out of the bathroom and went straight to the phone. I called my friend and told her she needed to come over immediately, I thought my hand was broken. Jack starts apologizing and telling me it's not broken. He didn't mean to do it. All I could do was ask him to leave. Over and over again, JUST LEAVE. I call my work and tell them I'm not coming in because I think I broke my hand skiing that weekend. What have I done? Am I that terrible of a person that I deserved to be treated this way? Why had I stayed with him for so long. Something like this was bound to happen. How was Kailynn ever going to be a normal kid after all she had witnessed. The shame, guilt and embarrassment was overwhelming. Kailynn never went to school that day. I dropped her at my moms and my friend took me to urgent care. My left hand was broken and I had an ugly cast to prove it. I had to sit through the doctors telling me about abuse and how a lot of women think it will never happen again. It was humiliating. I told them I wasn't in an abusive relationship. Was I in an abusive relationship? They told me how emotional abuse can turn to physical abuse and one time is one time too many. But this was my best friend. We had known each other since we were 15! He had been there for me and I for him. He loved me, didn't he? I went to bed that night wondering where my life was heading. I was a good person who was trying to do all the right things. Why me? What had I done to deserve this? Was I really that unlovable? How could Jack hurt me this way knowing all I'd been through. Where was the protective guy I fell in love with? He saw how hard I working. How was I ever going to get over this? I was used to him breaking my heart, but this had gone too far. I had to end things, but how? I found myself once again consoling the culprit. He did feel terrible. He said that he still believed we would be together one day and that he really did love me. I will tell you this, God does work in mysterious ways. If only I could have understood that then. I told Jack that there was no way we would ever get back together and here is why. What would I say or do if Kailynn ever came to me and said she was being abused by her boyfriend/husband? What if I thought she was in an abusive relationship and she was trying to hide it from me? I couldn't live with myself if she went through something like that and used my experience as an excuse. "Well, you stayed with Jack" or "Jack did it to you and you still loved him enough to give him another chance." I would not do it. My cousin came from 3 hours away and took Kailynn to stay with my aunt for a week so I could pull myself together. I stayed at my friends house where she helped me do my hair and cut up my meat. She even shaved my right armpit for me:) I had a lot of time to think about my future and how I needed to get my priorities straight. I didn't need a guy in my life! Kailynn and I were going to be just fine and I was going to start taking control of my future. Can you hear the Rocky theme song? Eye of the Tiger playing in my head. I was going to climb out of my pity and shame. I had done it before and I could do it again!
So Kailynn started her first day of kindergarten with her new name and I started my first day of college on the same day. I had all kinds of good stories about my cast. Skiing accident, a car accident, I think I even told some guy that was hitting on me that I was a police officer! It was all I could do to keep sane.
Confession:
Ending my relationship with Jack is one of the best decisions I ever made. I forgive him and hope he is really happy where ever he is. If this helps ONE person who is in or has been in an abusive relationship, emotional or physical, I'm glad I've shared.
To my sweet Kailynn, I'm sorry you ever had to experience those times. Please forgive me:)
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Life After Graduation
Today is a beautiful day. I have been sitting here on my couch for the last few minutes reflecting on my past posts and appreciating how far I have come. I have had over 5,000 page views and as awesome as that is, I'm beginning to feel a sense of pressure to please my readers. I can only pray that I am doing the right thing by sharing my story. No one likes to feel judged so bare with me while I tell my truth again today.
Once I graduated high school, I felt a huge relief and then a huge burden as well. Everyone else was going off to college and I wasn't quite sure what I was going to do. I had always assumed I would go to college but it seemed too much of a burden financially and who was going to care for Kailynn while I attended college and worked for the next four years. I realized right away that everything in life was based on money. How was I going to make the most money in the quickest amount of time so that Kailynn and I weren't a burden to my parents? Tensions were flying high in my household and I was constantly trying to juggle it all. We were all flying by the seat of our pants and I was starting to resent my parents. Why were they making me work? Why wouldn't they babysit so I could go out with my friends? Why were they always so angry with me? It was not a good time for us. I got into a heated argument with my parents one day and I went into my room and locked the door. I called my friend hysterically crying and told her to come pick me up. I had enough! I couldn't take one more minute of responsibility. There were too many choices that had to be made and it wasn't fair that I had to figure it all out on my own. I missed out on so many things my senior year and I was tired of missing out. I needed a break! Everything came to a head in that moment and I needed to run away from all responsibility NOW. I snuck out my window and hopped into my friends car. I didn't know what I was going to do but I knew if I stayed in my house one more minute that I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I didn't return home until a month later. Again, the shame and the guilt was there. Who leaves their child for a month? Who abandons their own baby? I saw Kailynn but I didn't stay at my parents house. I felt suffocated there. I had such anger for them and them for me, I couldn't live there anymore. I felt their disappointment in every word and every look. I couldn't escape the regret and shame. It was everywhere. Looking back I truly believe I had a nervous breakdown. I know it sounds like an excuse and I never saw a doctor, so maybe not. But as an adult looking back, it seems completely reasonable. Sometimes life gives us circumstances that we can't wrap our minds around. I was so wrapped up in the trauma, even the drama, of my last 10 months, that I couldn't physically or emotionally take anymore. I was thinner that I had ever been and in a serious state of depression. I knew I would go home eventually, but my mind wouldn't let me do it. I ended up coming home two weeks before Kailynn's 1st birthday. Me leaving her is the biggest regret I have in my life to this point. I truly do believe that I needed that time to pull myself together and realize that as hard as life was with Kailynn, it was so much harder without her. While away from home, I realized that being a carefree "kid" wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. God had given me special gift, and I was neglecting to see it. It wasn't Kailynn that was keeping me from being happy. It was everything else that I didn't know how to cope with. I had let it consume me and cloud my judgement which resulted in yet another bad decision. Are you seeing a trend here?
Once I came home, my parents and I came up with a plan for me to go to school. I decided to go to dental assisting school that was about a 6 month program. I was going to school and working full time. It was a busy life but I felt better about myself now that I was getting some type of education and moving forward in my life. I knew I didn't want to live at home forever and needed a good job if I was going to support the two of us. I was actually excited about learning and absolutely believe that knowledge is power. (Even if it meant I was learning about teeth!) It was something new and giving me hope that I was going to have a future. Kailynn was growing like a weed and doing all kinds of cute stuff. She was such a loving little girl and things were actually getting easier from a parenting perspective. She was eating food (no more baby food and formula, yay!) She slept in her own bed and had her own routine of going to the babysitters and hanging out with me in my spare time. My best friend down the street loved spending time with her so we would hang out there a lot to get out of my house and give my parents a break. Her parents really took a liking to Kailynn and would get so excited when she came over. Her mom would even buy little toys for her and loved playing games or doing crafts while we visited. Even her dad loved playing with her! He had a miniature cast iron stove that came apart. The two of them would sit on the floor taking it apart and putting it back together over and over. He couldn't believe how smart she was and how quickly she learned to do it on her own. I think of these times and feel such a happiness in my heart that I had another family that loved me and Kailynn in such a selfless way. Kailynn always had so many people loving her, it made it easy to forget the ones who weren't. Again, I wish I would have realized what I had at the time so I could have shown my appreciation more. This blog is really turning into a positive release for me. It's crazy that even though I felt like I had no one, there were people loving me all around. I think it's important to sit back from time to time and access the people you have or have had in your life. Did they know how much I needed them? Did they realize how much I appreciated them? Will they ever know how much they helped me in such a time of need? Luckily for me, I am able to tell them. But as I've matured, (I refuse to say "gotten older") I realize that it's important to let people know how you feel and not to let things go for another day. I want Kailynn to know how important it is to be thankful, appreciative, and humble. That is one of the most important reasons I am being so honest with my past. It's not to show her how hard it was being a single mom, but to learn from my mistakes. I'm not even talking about having a baby. It's all the other decisions I've made in search for love and acceptance. Not that she has to be perfect, but that she understands ME of all people realizes how far we are from perfection. That at the end of the day, I have her and if I had to go back I wouldn't change a thing. My experiences have taught me so much about myself, I hope they can teach her a little bit about herself too.
I'm sure you are all so curious to find out what it was like dating while being a teenage single mother. There goes my sarcasm again. Because I have quite the story to tell about my dating life, I will have to continue it tomorrow. It is one of the most important stories about my life as a teenage mom that I want to make sure I have time to deliver the right message. I wish I could say that when Kailynn was a baby, I met my husband and lived happily ever after. But unfortunately, I met him later.
Today I confess:
I am lucky to have had certain people help me along the way. Sometimes I feel guilty and unworthy.
Also, I don't want to put too much pressure on Kailynn. I've always felt like she had to be good so I wouldn't look bad.
Once I graduated high school, I felt a huge relief and then a huge burden as well. Everyone else was going off to college and I wasn't quite sure what I was going to do. I had always assumed I would go to college but it seemed too much of a burden financially and who was going to care for Kailynn while I attended college and worked for the next four years. I realized right away that everything in life was based on money. How was I going to make the most money in the quickest amount of time so that Kailynn and I weren't a burden to my parents? Tensions were flying high in my household and I was constantly trying to juggle it all. We were all flying by the seat of our pants and I was starting to resent my parents. Why were they making me work? Why wouldn't they babysit so I could go out with my friends? Why were they always so angry with me? It was not a good time for us. I got into a heated argument with my parents one day and I went into my room and locked the door. I called my friend hysterically crying and told her to come pick me up. I had enough! I couldn't take one more minute of responsibility. There were too many choices that had to be made and it wasn't fair that I had to figure it all out on my own. I missed out on so many things my senior year and I was tired of missing out. I needed a break! Everything came to a head in that moment and I needed to run away from all responsibility NOW. I snuck out my window and hopped into my friends car. I didn't know what I was going to do but I knew if I stayed in my house one more minute that I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I didn't return home until a month later. Again, the shame and the guilt was there. Who leaves their child for a month? Who abandons their own baby? I saw Kailynn but I didn't stay at my parents house. I felt suffocated there. I had such anger for them and them for me, I couldn't live there anymore. I felt their disappointment in every word and every look. I couldn't escape the regret and shame. It was everywhere. Looking back I truly believe I had a nervous breakdown. I know it sounds like an excuse and I never saw a doctor, so maybe not. But as an adult looking back, it seems completely reasonable. Sometimes life gives us circumstances that we can't wrap our minds around. I was so wrapped up in the trauma, even the drama, of my last 10 months, that I couldn't physically or emotionally take anymore. I was thinner that I had ever been and in a serious state of depression. I knew I would go home eventually, but my mind wouldn't let me do it. I ended up coming home two weeks before Kailynn's 1st birthday. Me leaving her is the biggest regret I have in my life to this point. I truly do believe that I needed that time to pull myself together and realize that as hard as life was with Kailynn, it was so much harder without her. While away from home, I realized that being a carefree "kid" wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. God had given me special gift, and I was neglecting to see it. It wasn't Kailynn that was keeping me from being happy. It was everything else that I didn't know how to cope with. I had let it consume me and cloud my judgement which resulted in yet another bad decision. Are you seeing a trend here?
Once I came home, my parents and I came up with a plan for me to go to school. I decided to go to dental assisting school that was about a 6 month program. I was going to school and working full time. It was a busy life but I felt better about myself now that I was getting some type of education and moving forward in my life. I knew I didn't want to live at home forever and needed a good job if I was going to support the two of us. I was actually excited about learning and absolutely believe that knowledge is power. (Even if it meant I was learning about teeth!) It was something new and giving me hope that I was going to have a future. Kailynn was growing like a weed and doing all kinds of cute stuff. She was such a loving little girl and things were actually getting easier from a parenting perspective. She was eating food (no more baby food and formula, yay!) She slept in her own bed and had her own routine of going to the babysitters and hanging out with me in my spare time. My best friend down the street loved spending time with her so we would hang out there a lot to get out of my house and give my parents a break. Her parents really took a liking to Kailynn and would get so excited when she came over. Her mom would even buy little toys for her and loved playing games or doing crafts while we visited. Even her dad loved playing with her! He had a miniature cast iron stove that came apart. The two of them would sit on the floor taking it apart and putting it back together over and over. He couldn't believe how smart she was and how quickly she learned to do it on her own. I think of these times and feel such a happiness in my heart that I had another family that loved me and Kailynn in such a selfless way. Kailynn always had so many people loving her, it made it easy to forget the ones who weren't. Again, I wish I would have realized what I had at the time so I could have shown my appreciation more. This blog is really turning into a positive release for me. It's crazy that even though I felt like I had no one, there were people loving me all around. I think it's important to sit back from time to time and access the people you have or have had in your life. Did they know how much I needed them? Did they realize how much I appreciated them? Will they ever know how much they helped me in such a time of need? Luckily for me, I am able to tell them. But as I've matured, (I refuse to say "gotten older") I realize that it's important to let people know how you feel and not to let things go for another day. I want Kailynn to know how important it is to be thankful, appreciative, and humble. That is one of the most important reasons I am being so honest with my past. It's not to show her how hard it was being a single mom, but to learn from my mistakes. I'm not even talking about having a baby. It's all the other decisions I've made in search for love and acceptance. Not that she has to be perfect, but that she understands ME of all people realizes how far we are from perfection. That at the end of the day, I have her and if I had to go back I wouldn't change a thing. My experiences have taught me so much about myself, I hope they can teach her a little bit about herself too.
I'm sure you are all so curious to find out what it was like dating while being a teenage single mother. There goes my sarcasm again. Because I have quite the story to tell about my dating life, I will have to continue it tomorrow. It is one of the most important stories about my life as a teenage mom that I want to make sure I have time to deliver the right message. I wish I could say that when Kailynn was a baby, I met my husband and lived happily ever after. But unfortunately, I met him later.
Today I confess:
I am lucky to have had certain people help me along the way. Sometimes I feel guilty and unworthy.
Also, I don't want to put too much pressure on Kailynn. I've always felt like she had to be good so I wouldn't look bad.
Friday, September 20, 2013
The end of STAN
I got a really late start today so I hope I am able to be productive before my kids get home!
After I left the hospital, I started to find my routine with a baby. It was as if Kailynn knew I was hanging on by a thread and decided to be the best baby ever. The first night I brought her home she slept 6 hours! My mom was a help but she didn't sign up for getting up in the middle of the night. I was on my own. Stan had come over a few times and it was always hard for me when he left. I wanted us to be a little family and he wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. He decided to play football that fall so a lot of his time was spent at practice and two-a-days. The tension was growing thicker and thicker as I tried to mask my frustration with him and deal with a newborn baby day in and day out. School started back up and I tried to act normal but it was extremely hard. I had the same guilt any other mother would have leaving their newborn baby on top of the pressures of being a teenager in high school. I had to wear breast pads to prevent any leakage for crying out loud! The newness of Kailynn was wearing off and reality was setting in. Having a child is a huge commitment. I tried to blend in socially by taking Kailynn to a few events, but it always felt weird. No one else was carrying around a baby. My mom watched her all day while I was at school and then again at night when I went to work. She was in need of her own break. It was starting to take a toll on everybody!
When Kailynn was two months old my family went to visit my grandparents and great grandparents in West Virginia. I was excited to show off my baby and how many people can say they have a picture with their great, great grandmother. Kailynn didn't take to the three hour drive well and ended up being sick the whole weekend. It was stressful traveling with a newborn and being out of my element. I had no idea what it took just to get away for a weekend. Have you ever had a feeling in your gut when you knew something is wrong? I had this feeling the whole time. I tried calling Stan to let him know we were okay and Mrs. Stan said he was out and she'd let him know to call. I left my grandma's number and he never called. I tried not to read too much into, I was sure he got home late and didn't want to risk calling too late. We left early Sunday morning due to the fact I had to be at work by 3. My shift normally ended around 10 and at about 9:30 Stan shows up and tells me we need to talk. I knew then my gut was right all along. He hung out until ten and we rode over to my parents. He sat me down and told me I needed to "find a babysitter for Friday nights". Typically I would work on Friday nights and it was his job to keep Kailynn since my mom did during the day. Since we were out of town that Friday "he really liked not having to babysit." Oh Stan, I am trying so hard not to make you look so bad. That is not my sarcastic voice. You can imagine my response. It's not BABYSITTING when it's your own kid! So his solution was for me to quit my job. My jaw dropped to the ground. How could I quit my job? Who was going to buy her diapers and formula? My mom had mentioned going back to work part time and I was going to need money for a babysitter. The request was so impossible, I couldn't do it. I finally had enough and told him to get out.
The next day at school was beyond awkward. I could literally see people talking behind my back. Stan avoided me like the plague. What was going on? Had he already told everyone we broke up. Did we break up?? I know I told him to get out but that didn't mean we weren't going to be together, did it? That's when someone finally had the nerve to pull me aside and fill me in. Apparently Stan had attended a party that weekend and had been seen with a Sophomore sitting on his lap. Are you kidding me? There was no way this was true. He was a lot of things, but not a cheat. I starting asking the typical questions. Who was she? Who all was there? Who's house were they at? I'm not sure why it really mattered. I was trying to blame someone, anyone, other than him. What kind of girl would do this to me? Doesn't she know that he has a baby with someone? Why wouldn't my friends who were there say anything to him? Were people really that self involved that no one was thinking of me and my 2 month old baby? No, because they were a bunch of carefree kids who were just trying to have a good time. It wasn't their fault, nor their responsibility. And how could I expect anyone else to stand up to him when I couldn't even do it myself. To say I felt betrayed was an understatement. You can imagine the rage that soared through my veins. I was livid. He didn't want to "babysit" because he wanted to go out to parties and flirt with girls. Well I wanted to do the same thing! (not flirt with girls) What about me? Was ANYONE thinking about ME? No one was going to break up my little family and I was prepared to do anything to get Stan to wake up and smell the roses. Me and Kailynn being the roses, of course. I would straighten this all out and things would go back to normal. Normal? What's that again?
Here was my new normal. Stan dating around while calling me every night telling me how terrible he felt. I would console him while he told me he needed time to figure things out. Then we would go to school and he would act like he didn't know me. He wasn't really seeing Kailynn at all and it was taking a toll on me. I was trying my best to act normal and move on with my life but it was extremely hard. I couldn't tell my friends what I was doing because I was too worried Stan would get mad at me. If he found out I told people, he would be mad and then I would really lose him. I was pathetic! It sickens me to admit this but... we were being intimate the whole time. Ahhh! What was I thinking? Being a 17 year old mother, daughter, student, etc. was seeming to be impossible. Why did I ever love this person? What in the world was I doing? He began dating a girl and getting kind of serious. I was starting to see myself as a mistress. ME, the mistress! How messed up is that? I decided I would confront this girl and let her know we were both being duped. She would get mad at him, break up with him, and he would HAVE to come back to me and Kailynn. Right? So I waited one day to get her attention and asked if she would go to the bathroom with me. We enter the bathroom and we are alone. Shwew! I was so nervous to tell her the news because I didn't want her to feel the same hurt I had felt by him. Him and I had a baby together and I was sure she would see there was a bond no one could break. I was wrong. She accused me of lying. She started yelling at me insisting that I was making the whole thing up just to get him back. Why would I make up sleeping with someone that I already had a baby with? Obviously we had already been together! I'm not going to lie about it now and make myself look pathetic for nothing. How could she really believe that I was a liar. I was in shock at how she reacted. SHE was mad at ME? Was I really that naive that I expected another girl to show compassion towards me for all that I had been through? Apparently, she was just as naive as me. Poor thing actually thought HE was the one with dignity. But then again, I guess he was. He wasn't in the girls bathroom pleading for me, it was me pleading for him. She bolted out of the bathroom leaving me standing there. It was then I knew I had hit rock bottom. I would NEVER let him make a fool of me again. What on earth was I thinking confronting this girl? Needless to say, Stan reacted exactly the way I was afraid of. He was furious with me. She told everyone what I had said and he told everyone I was lying. One girl overheard someone I thought was my friend, calling me a slut.
I went home and told my mom I would never go to school again. How could I face these people. Don't get me wrong. I know high school is hard for a lot of people but I was sinking into a dark hole everyday. Graduating high school was the least of my worries. I was beginning to think that my life wasn't even worth living. Kailynn would be so much better without me. I was a lying slut who trusted the most irresponsible, selfish teenage boy. How would I be able to raise her to make good choices when I couldn't even make them myself. I seriously started to hate myself and resent ever having a baby. They were all right. I wasn't going to be able to do this parenting thing and I was failing bigger than ever. I stayed home for about three days. My mom was getting furious with me for being a quitter. "You can either sit in here feeling sorry for yourself, or go back to school and prove them all wrong." Ok, I'll just sit here. Thanks for the advice though! Just kidding:) My mom called the assistant principle and set up a meeting for me. I went in and he told me that he had one job that year, to make sure I graduated from high school. He told me how his dad left his mom when he was little and his mom meant the world to him. That all the years of her being a single mom he had grown to admire and respect his mother for her strength. Was I really going to be a statistic? Didn't I want Kailynn to be proud of me? It was like a floodgate of emotions came pouring out. I told him EVERYTHING. The poor guy handed me a box of tissues and told me to get it ALL out. He was going to help me if that meant following me from class to class. Just having him care so much about me made me realize that I was being weak and selfish. My life wasn't about me anymore, it was about Kailynn. Was I really going to let Stan, Stan's girlfriend, and anyone else who wanted to dog me, keep me from graduation? Absolutely not!
After that I was very cautious about who I hung out with. I didn't have a huge group of friends but a few who were really there for me. I wish I knew then how much they would mean to me now. Even if we didn't stay close through the years, they were still a very important part of my life. They encouraged me to stay the heck away from Stan. Told me that I was too good for him and he didn't deserve me. They were telling me all the things I needed to hear just to go to school everyday. "Logan" was also raised by a single mom and told me if his mom could do it, then so could I. He seemed to have turned out okay:) It was nice to have people who still showed an interest in me for being Rebecca, not just the girl who had a baby while in high school. Things were far from good but they were better. I was learning how to live without Stan and it actually made me feel much better about myself.
I'm cracking up because I'm trying to finish this while my kids, all of them, are having a burping contest! Kailynn is teaching her little brother how to burp on demand. Maybe I have taught her some good life lessons:)
Confession: I am seriously ashamed of my actions in this post. I don't blame anyone for any of my actions other than myself. But most importantly, I am tired of talking about STAN!!
Don't judge my grammatical or spelling errors as I did not have time to proofread!
After I left the hospital, I started to find my routine with a baby. It was as if Kailynn knew I was hanging on by a thread and decided to be the best baby ever. The first night I brought her home she slept 6 hours! My mom was a help but she didn't sign up for getting up in the middle of the night. I was on my own. Stan had come over a few times and it was always hard for me when he left. I wanted us to be a little family and he wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. He decided to play football that fall so a lot of his time was spent at practice and two-a-days. The tension was growing thicker and thicker as I tried to mask my frustration with him and deal with a newborn baby day in and day out. School started back up and I tried to act normal but it was extremely hard. I had the same guilt any other mother would have leaving their newborn baby on top of the pressures of being a teenager in high school. I had to wear breast pads to prevent any leakage for crying out loud! The newness of Kailynn was wearing off and reality was setting in. Having a child is a huge commitment. I tried to blend in socially by taking Kailynn to a few events, but it always felt weird. No one else was carrying around a baby. My mom watched her all day while I was at school and then again at night when I went to work. She was in need of her own break. It was starting to take a toll on everybody!
When Kailynn was two months old my family went to visit my grandparents and great grandparents in West Virginia. I was excited to show off my baby and how many people can say they have a picture with their great, great grandmother. Kailynn didn't take to the three hour drive well and ended up being sick the whole weekend. It was stressful traveling with a newborn and being out of my element. I had no idea what it took just to get away for a weekend. Have you ever had a feeling in your gut when you knew something is wrong? I had this feeling the whole time. I tried calling Stan to let him know we were okay and Mrs. Stan said he was out and she'd let him know to call. I left my grandma's number and he never called. I tried not to read too much into, I was sure he got home late and didn't want to risk calling too late. We left early Sunday morning due to the fact I had to be at work by 3. My shift normally ended around 10 and at about 9:30 Stan shows up and tells me we need to talk. I knew then my gut was right all along. He hung out until ten and we rode over to my parents. He sat me down and told me I needed to "find a babysitter for Friday nights". Typically I would work on Friday nights and it was his job to keep Kailynn since my mom did during the day. Since we were out of town that Friday "he really liked not having to babysit." Oh Stan, I am trying so hard not to make you look so bad. That is not my sarcastic voice. You can imagine my response. It's not BABYSITTING when it's your own kid! So his solution was for me to quit my job. My jaw dropped to the ground. How could I quit my job? Who was going to buy her diapers and formula? My mom had mentioned going back to work part time and I was going to need money for a babysitter. The request was so impossible, I couldn't do it. I finally had enough and told him to get out.
The next day at school was beyond awkward. I could literally see people talking behind my back. Stan avoided me like the plague. What was going on? Had he already told everyone we broke up. Did we break up?? I know I told him to get out but that didn't mean we weren't going to be together, did it? That's when someone finally had the nerve to pull me aside and fill me in. Apparently Stan had attended a party that weekend and had been seen with a Sophomore sitting on his lap. Are you kidding me? There was no way this was true. He was a lot of things, but not a cheat. I starting asking the typical questions. Who was she? Who all was there? Who's house were they at? I'm not sure why it really mattered. I was trying to blame someone, anyone, other than him. What kind of girl would do this to me? Doesn't she know that he has a baby with someone? Why wouldn't my friends who were there say anything to him? Were people really that self involved that no one was thinking of me and my 2 month old baby? No, because they were a bunch of carefree kids who were just trying to have a good time. It wasn't their fault, nor their responsibility. And how could I expect anyone else to stand up to him when I couldn't even do it myself. To say I felt betrayed was an understatement. You can imagine the rage that soared through my veins. I was livid. He didn't want to "babysit" because he wanted to go out to parties and flirt with girls. Well I wanted to do the same thing! (not flirt with girls) What about me? Was ANYONE thinking about ME? No one was going to break up my little family and I was prepared to do anything to get Stan to wake up and smell the roses. Me and Kailynn being the roses, of course. I would straighten this all out and things would go back to normal. Normal? What's that again?
Here was my new normal. Stan dating around while calling me every night telling me how terrible he felt. I would console him while he told me he needed time to figure things out. Then we would go to school and he would act like he didn't know me. He wasn't really seeing Kailynn at all and it was taking a toll on me. I was trying my best to act normal and move on with my life but it was extremely hard. I couldn't tell my friends what I was doing because I was too worried Stan would get mad at me. If he found out I told people, he would be mad and then I would really lose him. I was pathetic! It sickens me to admit this but... we were being intimate the whole time. Ahhh! What was I thinking? Being a 17 year old mother, daughter, student, etc. was seeming to be impossible. Why did I ever love this person? What in the world was I doing? He began dating a girl and getting kind of serious. I was starting to see myself as a mistress. ME, the mistress! How messed up is that? I decided I would confront this girl and let her know we were both being duped. She would get mad at him, break up with him, and he would HAVE to come back to me and Kailynn. Right? So I waited one day to get her attention and asked if she would go to the bathroom with me. We enter the bathroom and we are alone. Shwew! I was so nervous to tell her the news because I didn't want her to feel the same hurt I had felt by him. Him and I had a baby together and I was sure she would see there was a bond no one could break. I was wrong. She accused me of lying. She started yelling at me insisting that I was making the whole thing up just to get him back. Why would I make up sleeping with someone that I already had a baby with? Obviously we had already been together! I'm not going to lie about it now and make myself look pathetic for nothing. How could she really believe that I was a liar. I was in shock at how she reacted. SHE was mad at ME? Was I really that naive that I expected another girl to show compassion towards me for all that I had been through? Apparently, she was just as naive as me. Poor thing actually thought HE was the one with dignity. But then again, I guess he was. He wasn't in the girls bathroom pleading for me, it was me pleading for him. She bolted out of the bathroom leaving me standing there. It was then I knew I had hit rock bottom. I would NEVER let him make a fool of me again. What on earth was I thinking confronting this girl? Needless to say, Stan reacted exactly the way I was afraid of. He was furious with me. She told everyone what I had said and he told everyone I was lying. One girl overheard someone I thought was my friend, calling me a slut.
I went home and told my mom I would never go to school again. How could I face these people. Don't get me wrong. I know high school is hard for a lot of people but I was sinking into a dark hole everyday. Graduating high school was the least of my worries. I was beginning to think that my life wasn't even worth living. Kailynn would be so much better without me. I was a lying slut who trusted the most irresponsible, selfish teenage boy. How would I be able to raise her to make good choices when I couldn't even make them myself. I seriously started to hate myself and resent ever having a baby. They were all right. I wasn't going to be able to do this parenting thing and I was failing bigger than ever. I stayed home for about three days. My mom was getting furious with me for being a quitter. "You can either sit in here feeling sorry for yourself, or go back to school and prove them all wrong." Ok, I'll just sit here. Thanks for the advice though! Just kidding:) My mom called the assistant principle and set up a meeting for me. I went in and he told me that he had one job that year, to make sure I graduated from high school. He told me how his dad left his mom when he was little and his mom meant the world to him. That all the years of her being a single mom he had grown to admire and respect his mother for her strength. Was I really going to be a statistic? Didn't I want Kailynn to be proud of me? It was like a floodgate of emotions came pouring out. I told him EVERYTHING. The poor guy handed me a box of tissues and told me to get it ALL out. He was going to help me if that meant following me from class to class. Just having him care so much about me made me realize that I was being weak and selfish. My life wasn't about me anymore, it was about Kailynn. Was I really going to let Stan, Stan's girlfriend, and anyone else who wanted to dog me, keep me from graduation? Absolutely not!
After that I was very cautious about who I hung out with. I didn't have a huge group of friends but a few who were really there for me. I wish I knew then how much they would mean to me now. Even if we didn't stay close through the years, they were still a very important part of my life. They encouraged me to stay the heck away from Stan. Told me that I was too good for him and he didn't deserve me. They were telling me all the things I needed to hear just to go to school everyday. "Logan" was also raised by a single mom and told me if his mom could do it, then so could I. He seemed to have turned out okay:) It was nice to have people who still showed an interest in me for being Rebecca, not just the girl who had a baby while in high school. Things were far from good but they were better. I was learning how to live without Stan and it actually made me feel much better about myself.
I'm cracking up because I'm trying to finish this while my kids, all of them, are having a burping contest! Kailynn is teaching her little brother how to burp on demand. Maybe I have taught her some good life lessons:)
Confession: I am seriously ashamed of my actions in this post. I don't blame anyone for any of my actions other than myself. But most importantly, I am tired of talking about STAN!!
Don't judge my grammatical or spelling errors as I did not have time to proofread!
Thursday, September 19, 2013
I should have packed a bag!
I had so many wonderful conversations with several people yesterday. The Internet is an amazing tool for connecting and expressing feelings. All comments come to my email first for me to review before posting, so if you have questions that you would like to keep private, just let me know. Otherwise, I will post them so everyone can see. Someone told me that the only way to keep the blog real is to be myself and don't hold back. That is a little scary for me because ultimately I have to be responsible for what I write! I am not writing this anonymously so it's really putting it ALL out there.
Yesterday I was talking to an old friend and she reminded me of something I was thinking of while writing but didn't mention. When she told her parents I was pregnant, SHE was scared. She thought somehow she would be in trouble and they might ask her to keep away from me. Her parents didn't really know me that well and she was worried what they may think of her hanging out with a pregnant girl. Her dad sat her down and said, "Listen, don't you dare turn your back on this girl." How awesome is that? Her dad has since past away and it makes me so sad that I never got a chance to thank him for that. Thanks Chet! It says so much about someones character when they turn their back on someone in need and even more so when they don't. Rejection is an awful feeling and I hate to admit that I know it all too well.
My junior year wrapped up pretty uneventfully and I went into the summer knowing that by the end I would have a baby girl to take care of. I turned 17 on June 17th and my mom gave me a beautiful symbolic gift. She had her original wedding ring from dad #1 put into a pendant on a necklace. She told me that this would be my last birthday as a "child" so to speak and she wanted to give me something special. I couldn't believe it, this was going to be my last birthday as just Rebecca. Kailynn was due August 19th and by the grace of God I went into labor 3 weeks early on July 26th. By the grace of God? Yes, because it enabled me to start the first day of my senior year when everyone else did. On my first day of my senior year in high school, I had a one month old baby and started a job at Bob Evans. Let me back up, because I'm sure you want to read all about my labor:)
At my 32 week check up my doctor asked me if I had been having contractions. Uh, I don't know? What do they feel like? Wouldn't I know if I was having them? He explained that it kind of felt like a slight pull in my abdomen. Nope, didn't have that feeling. Then he asked me if I had been doing any "heavy lifting" or "physical activity". Did jumping on a trampoline count? This is where I am reminded how different being pregnant while in the best shape of your life is different that being pregnant when you are not. Yes, I had been jumping on a trampoline! I couldn't resist! Oh, did playing a game of basketball count too? It was only HORSE not a 3 on 3 tournament. So yes, doctor, I have been doing physical activity but don't worry, I haven't been lifting anything too heavy. But my response to him, "No, not at all". He said I was measuring much smaller than the week before and wanted to do an exam. "Okay?" No, not okay. I didn't want to have him examine me until absolutely necessary. It's a good thing he knew what he was doing because I was 70% effaced. My mom had been standing outside with her ear pressed tightly to the door. I swear I heard her gasp from inside the examining room. I had no idea what that meant, so I asked. He told me that my cervix was thinning and I needed to take it easy. He prescribed me some medication and I remained on it until my 37 week check up. On the very night of my 37 week appointment I told my mom I felt weird. She told me I had better pack a bag. Pack a bag? What for? I still had 3 weeks to go! I wasn't ready for this baby. I was still pulling myself together. All of the sudden I was feeling panic set in. Needless to say, I didn't pack my bag and at 8 o'clock the next morning, I am in full labor. I crawl into my mom's bed and tell her I think I'm having contractions. She fumbles around for her watch and tells me to let her know when I have one. "I just did." "Then tell me when you have another" she replied. So I tell her, "I'm having one." She shoots up in bed and says, "Rebecca! That was only three minutes! Go pack a bag!" Calm down mom, they don't even hurt. This is easy, why do the TV shows make such a big deal about labor. Man, I must be tough! I go into my room and start packing all the essentials. I was literally putting things in the bag and two seconds later pulling them out. What was I going to wear? People would be taking pictures so I needed to look cute. Did I have my make-up? I call Stan and let him know and he says he's on his way. Then it hits me. Labor that is. A contraction that takes my breath away. HOLY bleep! "MOM! It's hurting!" Yes, Rebecca, you are in LABOR she says. My mom was freaking out. She was like the men you see on the TV shows running in circles. We finally get in the car and I start putting on my make-up. Stan is in the back seat still trying to wake up and my mom says, "Why in the world are you putting on make-up?" Because I want to look good when I push this baby out, duh! Just another example of my priorities and how unprepared I was for motherhood. I really didn't think I would have my baby that day. On TV there are always false alarms and women are sent home after thinking they are in labor. I was prepared to be sent home. We check in and get settled in a room. The doctor comes in, examines me, and says,"Looks good, I'll be back to check on you soon." WHAT? I'm going to have the baby TODAY? No way! So then the phone chain started and everyone knew I was in labor. The same girl who's dad told her to stand by me shows up with a group of girls with a bunch of balloons. While I'm in labor! They are all standing around the bed talking, being giddy teenage girls. How were they to know what to do? Then some of Stan's family shows up. His older sister is watching the monitor and telling me, "this one is going to hurt, it's a big one!" OMG! Someone get her away from me! They are coming in and out acting annoyed that it is taking so long, I'm sure they were just nervous. They leave for a smoke and I motion for my mom to come near the bed. "Will you PLEASE ask everyone to leave?" I was in a lot of pain and wanted to be left alone. So when they returned she explained very kindly that I was in a lot of pain and wanted to be left a lone for a little bit. And they were pissed. They didn't just leave the room. They went home! I actually feel really bad for Stan when I think of this. How could his family just leave him there by himself?
I finally got an epidural and was feeling good. At 5:53 pm on July 26, 1996, I received the most precious little girl. She only weighed 6 lbs. .06 oz. NOTHING can prepare you for this miracle. I was instantly in love. So this is what real love is? I would have jumped in front of a bus for this child. Gone to the ends of the earth for her and I just met her. She had a ton of black hair and was so tiny. I was the luckiest person in the world and I just sat there holding her while my tears dripped from my cheeks onto her little body. They whisked her away to do all the tests and everything looked great. They moved me to the recovery room and got me situated in my room. I had never stayed in a hospital before. They pull me into a room and I realize it's a double. I'm going to SHARE a room with a stranger? Lucky for me no one ever used it. It was about 8 o'clock and everyone was ready to leave. Please don't leave! I don't want to stay here by myself. I was scared. But of course, I didn't say a word. Stan's family never came back to see Kailynn, and my family was tired. Everyone left me and I sat there alone with my thoughts and fears and began sobbing again. What just happened? Did I seriously just have a baby? What in the world am I going to do. I know, I'll call Stan. I call him and he is angry. You see, we had picked out the name Kailynn Ashlee (insert Stan's last name here) and at my baby shower my mom made a joke that we were naming the baby after her and my aunt. Kay for my mom (Karen) and Lynn for my aunt (Beverly Lynn) It was totally a joke. For crying out loud, MY middle name is LYNN. Wouldn't I be naming her after ME? He was furious and telling me that he wanted to change her name. Look buddy, I just went through an entire day of labor, I'm completing traumatized by the events of the day, I'm alone in a hospital room and can't even move my legs because the epidural hasn't worn off and you want to attack me over a joke my mom made three weeks ago at a baby shower? Ok, then what do you want name her. Well of course, he wanted to name her Stan! LOL, ok, now I'm making myself laugh. Obviously it wasn't Stan, but you get the point. So again, to please him, I caved. But only a little:) We settled on Kailynn Stan (insert Stan's last name here). We got off the phone and I still couldn't pull myself together. This was way too much for any 17 year old girl to handle. I'm sure it was partly hormonal and part exhaustion but I couldn't stop crying. I knew I should go to sleep, I was soooo tired. My mom had told me to let the nurses keep Kailynn for the night so I could get some rest. I had fed her at 10 and they asked if I wanted to feed her again at midnight or rest. I told them rest as my mom had suggested. I glanced at the clock and it was almost midnight. I picked up the phone and rang the nurses. "Can I please see my baby?" They brought her to me and I will never forget it. The nurse could see that I had been crying and asked me if I was alright. I told her yes and she didn't pry. She scooped Kailynn up out of the plastic bassinet and handed her to me. I had never loved anything as much as I loved her in that moment. She was perfect. I just stared at her while she took her tiny little bottle. She had no idea that her mother was a mess, a nightmare, a confused kid. But somehow I could feel that she loved me. It's amazing how resilient kids are. Even as a new born I knew we would have a connection that only her and I would understand. She was my sole purpose in life moving forward. I would do anything to give her a good life. As I think of this moment I am overcome by anger at myself. You will find out that I didn't always make such clear, good decisions. I wish I would have remembered how I felt on this day more often as I raised her alone.
Todays confession:
I am scared to tell you all the things that happen in the first year of Kailynn's life. Kailynn already knows and I'm wondering if that is enough. Why ruin this image you all have of me being so strong and brave. Truth is, I wasn't always strong and made some cowardly mistakes. Ugh!! What have I started??? If I don't write tomorrow it's because I'm still contemplating:)
P.S. I am dedicating this in memory of Chester Guy, you will never know how much this story means to me.
Yesterday I was talking to an old friend and she reminded me of something I was thinking of while writing but didn't mention. When she told her parents I was pregnant, SHE was scared. She thought somehow she would be in trouble and they might ask her to keep away from me. Her parents didn't really know me that well and she was worried what they may think of her hanging out with a pregnant girl. Her dad sat her down and said, "Listen, don't you dare turn your back on this girl." How awesome is that? Her dad has since past away and it makes me so sad that I never got a chance to thank him for that. Thanks Chet! It says so much about someones character when they turn their back on someone in need and even more so when they don't. Rejection is an awful feeling and I hate to admit that I know it all too well.
My junior year wrapped up pretty uneventfully and I went into the summer knowing that by the end I would have a baby girl to take care of. I turned 17 on June 17th and my mom gave me a beautiful symbolic gift. She had her original wedding ring from dad #1 put into a pendant on a necklace. She told me that this would be my last birthday as a "child" so to speak and she wanted to give me something special. I couldn't believe it, this was going to be my last birthday as just Rebecca. Kailynn was due August 19th and by the grace of God I went into labor 3 weeks early on July 26th. By the grace of God? Yes, because it enabled me to start the first day of my senior year when everyone else did. On my first day of my senior year in high school, I had a one month old baby and started a job at Bob Evans. Let me back up, because I'm sure you want to read all about my labor:)
At my 32 week check up my doctor asked me if I had been having contractions. Uh, I don't know? What do they feel like? Wouldn't I know if I was having them? He explained that it kind of felt like a slight pull in my abdomen. Nope, didn't have that feeling. Then he asked me if I had been doing any "heavy lifting" or "physical activity". Did jumping on a trampoline count? This is where I am reminded how different being pregnant while in the best shape of your life is different that being pregnant when you are not. Yes, I had been jumping on a trampoline! I couldn't resist! Oh, did playing a game of basketball count too? It was only HORSE not a 3 on 3 tournament. So yes, doctor, I have been doing physical activity but don't worry, I haven't been lifting anything too heavy. But my response to him, "No, not at all". He said I was measuring much smaller than the week before and wanted to do an exam. "Okay?" No, not okay. I didn't want to have him examine me until absolutely necessary. It's a good thing he knew what he was doing because I was 70% effaced. My mom had been standing outside with her ear pressed tightly to the door. I swear I heard her gasp from inside the examining room. I had no idea what that meant, so I asked. He told me that my cervix was thinning and I needed to take it easy. He prescribed me some medication and I remained on it until my 37 week check up. On the very night of my 37 week appointment I told my mom I felt weird. She told me I had better pack a bag. Pack a bag? What for? I still had 3 weeks to go! I wasn't ready for this baby. I was still pulling myself together. All of the sudden I was feeling panic set in. Needless to say, I didn't pack my bag and at 8 o'clock the next morning, I am in full labor. I crawl into my mom's bed and tell her I think I'm having contractions. She fumbles around for her watch and tells me to let her know when I have one. "I just did." "Then tell me when you have another" she replied. So I tell her, "I'm having one." She shoots up in bed and says, "Rebecca! That was only three minutes! Go pack a bag!" Calm down mom, they don't even hurt. This is easy, why do the TV shows make such a big deal about labor. Man, I must be tough! I go into my room and start packing all the essentials. I was literally putting things in the bag and two seconds later pulling them out. What was I going to wear? People would be taking pictures so I needed to look cute. Did I have my make-up? I call Stan and let him know and he says he's on his way. Then it hits me. Labor that is. A contraction that takes my breath away. HOLY bleep! "MOM! It's hurting!" Yes, Rebecca, you are in LABOR she says. My mom was freaking out. She was like the men you see on the TV shows running in circles. We finally get in the car and I start putting on my make-up. Stan is in the back seat still trying to wake up and my mom says, "Why in the world are you putting on make-up?" Because I want to look good when I push this baby out, duh! Just another example of my priorities and how unprepared I was for motherhood. I really didn't think I would have my baby that day. On TV there are always false alarms and women are sent home after thinking they are in labor. I was prepared to be sent home. We check in and get settled in a room. The doctor comes in, examines me, and says,"Looks good, I'll be back to check on you soon." WHAT? I'm going to have the baby TODAY? No way! So then the phone chain started and everyone knew I was in labor. The same girl who's dad told her to stand by me shows up with a group of girls with a bunch of balloons. While I'm in labor! They are all standing around the bed talking, being giddy teenage girls. How were they to know what to do? Then some of Stan's family shows up. His older sister is watching the monitor and telling me, "this one is going to hurt, it's a big one!" OMG! Someone get her away from me! They are coming in and out acting annoyed that it is taking so long, I'm sure they were just nervous. They leave for a smoke and I motion for my mom to come near the bed. "Will you PLEASE ask everyone to leave?" I was in a lot of pain and wanted to be left alone. So when they returned she explained very kindly that I was in a lot of pain and wanted to be left a lone for a little bit. And they were pissed. They didn't just leave the room. They went home! I actually feel really bad for Stan when I think of this. How could his family just leave him there by himself?
I finally got an epidural and was feeling good. At 5:53 pm on July 26, 1996, I received the most precious little girl. She only weighed 6 lbs. .06 oz. NOTHING can prepare you for this miracle. I was instantly in love. So this is what real love is? I would have jumped in front of a bus for this child. Gone to the ends of the earth for her and I just met her. She had a ton of black hair and was so tiny. I was the luckiest person in the world and I just sat there holding her while my tears dripped from my cheeks onto her little body. They whisked her away to do all the tests and everything looked great. They moved me to the recovery room and got me situated in my room. I had never stayed in a hospital before. They pull me into a room and I realize it's a double. I'm going to SHARE a room with a stranger? Lucky for me no one ever used it. It was about 8 o'clock and everyone was ready to leave. Please don't leave! I don't want to stay here by myself. I was scared. But of course, I didn't say a word. Stan's family never came back to see Kailynn, and my family was tired. Everyone left me and I sat there alone with my thoughts and fears and began sobbing again. What just happened? Did I seriously just have a baby? What in the world am I going to do. I know, I'll call Stan. I call him and he is angry. You see, we had picked out the name Kailynn Ashlee (insert Stan's last name here) and at my baby shower my mom made a joke that we were naming the baby after her and my aunt. Kay for my mom (Karen) and Lynn for my aunt (Beverly Lynn) It was totally a joke. For crying out loud, MY middle name is LYNN. Wouldn't I be naming her after ME? He was furious and telling me that he wanted to change her name. Look buddy, I just went through an entire day of labor, I'm completing traumatized by the events of the day, I'm alone in a hospital room and can't even move my legs because the epidural hasn't worn off and you want to attack me over a joke my mom made three weeks ago at a baby shower? Ok, then what do you want name her. Well of course, he wanted to name her Stan! LOL, ok, now I'm making myself laugh. Obviously it wasn't Stan, but you get the point. So again, to please him, I caved. But only a little:) We settled on Kailynn Stan (insert Stan's last name here). We got off the phone and I still couldn't pull myself together. This was way too much for any 17 year old girl to handle. I'm sure it was partly hormonal and part exhaustion but I couldn't stop crying. I knew I should go to sleep, I was soooo tired. My mom had told me to let the nurses keep Kailynn for the night so I could get some rest. I had fed her at 10 and they asked if I wanted to feed her again at midnight or rest. I told them rest as my mom had suggested. I glanced at the clock and it was almost midnight. I picked up the phone and rang the nurses. "Can I please see my baby?" They brought her to me and I will never forget it. The nurse could see that I had been crying and asked me if I was alright. I told her yes and she didn't pry. She scooped Kailynn up out of the plastic bassinet and handed her to me. I had never loved anything as much as I loved her in that moment. She was perfect. I just stared at her while she took her tiny little bottle. She had no idea that her mother was a mess, a nightmare, a confused kid. But somehow I could feel that she loved me. It's amazing how resilient kids are. Even as a new born I knew we would have a connection that only her and I would understand. She was my sole purpose in life moving forward. I would do anything to give her a good life. As I think of this moment I am overcome by anger at myself. You will find out that I didn't always make such clear, good decisions. I wish I would have remembered how I felt on this day more often as I raised her alone.
Todays confession:
I am scared to tell you all the things that happen in the first year of Kailynn's life. Kailynn already knows and I'm wondering if that is enough. Why ruin this image you all have of me being so strong and brave. Truth is, I wasn't always strong and made some cowardly mistakes. Ugh!! What have I started??? If I don't write tomorrow it's because I'm still contemplating:)
P.S. I am dedicating this in memory of Chester Guy, you will never know how much this story means to me.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
IT'S A GIRL!
Yesterday was hard! I've pushed so many things out of my mind due to the fact that again, I was taught not to dwell. Going through the story I could feel my heart racing and it was like I was that same little girl sitting at that table. Sometimes when I look back at all the things that I went through, I feel like it's someone else. Like I've seen a movie and can't quite believe that it was me starring in the main role. Today I'm going to tell you a story that has stuck with me all these years. I think most of us have a hard time remembering specifics about high school. I know I do for sure. Especially about other people. When you go to a big school, it's hard to remember names and events of everyone. So once again I will write with an open heart and tell my truth the way I remember it. This is only my perception.
Eventually I had to tell people that I was pregnant. And when I say "people" I mean EVERYONE. I knew my family would love me no matter what so not that it was easy to tell them, but I knew they weren't going to disown me. Stan and I were still together but it felt forced. I knew that I wanted to be with him for Kailynn's sake and it ended up making me a doormat. Kailynn once told me she would NEVER let a guy treat her bad. I quickly reminded her to watch what she's says. Do you think I am a weak person? Can you imagine ME letting anyone walk all over me? "NO!" was her response. Well anything is possible and it's easy to get stuck in a rut. The horrible part of being a doormat for anyone, including friends, family, partners, coworkers, etc. is that you start believing you have no self worth. It's like cancer that spreads through your body. You begin to let things happen that you would never in million years expect to put up with. Then you start to question yourself. I am doing something to cause this? I must deserve this because I'm a terrible person. Or for a pregnant teenager, I've already failed at being responsible, I can't fail at this relationship too. If we stay together, everyone will see it was meant to be and I won't appear to be "used goods". I can remember thinking that if Stan and I didn't work out, no one would be with me. Who in their right mind would date a 17 year old mother? Or 18 year old and so on. I would be alone. There is such a stigma for young pregnant girls. I really don't understand why. Lots of people were having sex too. Is it that they think we are dumb? At 16 you aren't thinking that it will actually happen to you. It's like riding a bike without a helmet. Lots of people have survived bike rides without brain injuries. But the ONE time you fall and hit your head, it can change your life forever. But yet you see people all the time riding around without a helmet. No one really thinks it will happen to them. So back to telling people...
I'm not really sure how people came to find out I was pregnant. In high school I can imagine now that it was only a matter of minutes before the whole school knew. I most certainly wasn't showing. So I know I told my friends, who then told their friends, who then told everyone else. I began to notice whispers and stares in the hallway and it was clear that everyone knew. I hated it! Some people acted so fake around me. I'm not upset by it but I wanted things to be normal. It was like everyone felt sorry for me. I didn't want pity. I wanted to act like nothing had changed. Then there were the people who were genuinely concerned for me. I believe there were also quite a few people who didn't even believe it! No way! Rebecca?? I could see the disappointment on my teachers' faces and it was devastating. Except for my math teacher. He seriously had no idea! I sat in the front row and he still never caught on. But I liked it that way. He treated me like anyone else. (I learned later on that his wife was battling breast cancer, so I'm sure he had his own distractions) The worst I felt amongst my peers was when my elementary boyfriend found out. He actually had the guts to ask me to my face about these rumors. I had spent most of 5th & 6th grade wearing his cologne injected school jacket with his name displayed on my back. He sat next to me in spanish class. I'm sitting there before class starts and hardly anyone is around. He sits his books on his desk and looks at me. "Rebecca, are you (in a whisper) pregnant?" I sank in my seat. I wanted to hide. I could hear the disappointment in his voice and I couldn't lie to him. I could see the sincerity and concern on his face. "Yes" was all I could muster up. "But you were my first love" he replied. My heart sank. I had even disappointed him. Sorry! Trust me, I wasn't trying to hurt everyone I had ever met. At the time I didn't read anything into it but now I think it was so sweet. He was just being honest and trying to find out for himself. I was told once that he asked about me at a high school reunion and it makes me smile. It's not a romantic feeling but a good feeling that there is such a kind soul out there that worried about me. Even after all these years:)
Everyone eventually found out and it became kind of fun to talk about it. I can honestly say that for a bunch of teenagers, I had a pretty good support system. I was an expert at putting on a happy face, or at least I think I was. I wasn't really sharing my deepest darkest thoughts with anyone. I didn't want to scare them off. I was learning how to internalize my fear. I would go to school holding my head high but was a wreck on the inside. Grown married women can't control their emotions at times during pregnancy and I was mastering a facade. I had something to prove. I couldn't look weak or appear to be losing it because that meant I was failing. Failing at being pregnant? So sad to think I wasted so much time beating myself up when I was going to need all the encouragement in the world to survive. It was hard to function when I had excitement, fear, anxiety, issues at home, issues with Stan, issues with friends, even the normal day to day life of a high schooler. It was at times so overwhelming I felt as though I was suffocating.
It was finally time for me to have my ultrasound and find out what I was having. We made the appointment and I couldn't wait! Everyone was excited, including Stan. He showed his excitement by going to the mall and buying baby AIR Jordan's and hanging them on is rear view mirror. We show up to the hospital and a woman comes to get me. I really wish I was making this up but this is the God's honest truth. She called my name and when she saw me with Stan and my mom. She looked mad. What's her problem? Was I inconveniencing her by being at my appointment. She told my mom and Stan they weren't allowed back! Are you kidding me?? Since when? We just watched all kinds of people go back with their spouses and whomever else. I walk back into the room and she tells me to put the robe on and shuts the door. Well nice to meet you too. How was my day? Great, thanks for asking you old hag! I put the paper robe on and she returns and tells me to lay back. There are signs posted everywhere stating "this ultrasound is NOT to determine the sex of the baby, it is for medical reasons only!" Seriously? I mean, I get it. An ultrasound is meant to look for several other things besides a vagina or a penis, but was it really going to kill her to tell me. I didn't dare ask! She squeezed the cold gel onto my stomach, rolled the wand around, handed me a kleenex to wipe the gel off and said she would send the results to the doctor. I could get dressed and return to the lobby. So, I did as she said and when I came out my mom was pissed! "Are you done???" Well, I guess so mom. I told her what happened and she was fit to be tied. This was the mom I was used to seeing. I didn't want to make a big scene so we just left. What a brutal reminder that I wasn't worthy. I take that back, what a reminder that there are some seriously ignorant people out there.
I forgot to mention my OBGYN, he was AWESOME. He actually told me a story at my first visit about his sister having a baby when she was young. I felt he was so compassionate and he treated me with respect. At my next visit, he says, "ultrasound looks great! What are you having?" My mom went off, telling him the whole story. You could see the shock on his face. "I am so sorry" he said. "I want you to come to the hospital tomorrow and I will do the ultrasound myself, free of charge." We were ecstatic! So we went down and he treated me like a million bucks. He showed me her heart beating and her little legs. Counted all her little toes and fingers. Doing what I normal ultrasound technician would have done. Then he asked if I was sure I wanted to know. Of course! Tell me already. "IT'S A GIRL!" You could have heard a pin drop. Stan was devastated. Who was going to wear the air jordan's he bought? You see, he so desperately wanted a boy. And to be 100% honest, so did I. I knew I would have a better chance of him sticking around if he had a son. I was really beaming on the inside. A girl!! I'm going to dress her up, teach her all about make-up and think of all the little shoes I can buy her. She'll be like my little doll! But I didn't say any of that. Thank goodness because now it seems ridiculous. I couldn't admit my excitement. As we left my mom told Stan that she knew he was disappointed but father's have a very special bond with their daughters. That he would still love her and it didn't really matter as long as she was healthy. He wasn't buying it. He didn't talk to me for 3 days. It was all my fault because he knew I was really wanting a girl the whole time. Yes, you moron, I single handily impregnated my self with a female chromosome. The funny thing, it's the guy who determines the sex of the baby, not the woman. Another instance I knew I was alone. Thank you GOD for giving me a little girl. She totally was my little doll. And if I don't say so myself, she has great taste in makeup and shoes:)
I want to end on a very positive note today. I still don't like being a victim or sounding whiny and especially don't like the feeling of pity. There is a difference between pity and sympathy. This has taught me so much about myself in such a short amount of time. It's okay to feel bad about what has happened in our past. It is what we do moving forward that really matters. I don't want people to pity me because it seems like there is no hope when you pity someone. It is not pity that got me where I am today. Like Mr. T says, "I pity the fool". I don't want to look at myself as a fool. I was only a child. Children will be foolish but they have to learn from their actions and choose to make better decisions along the way.
My confession is easy today:
I know that I have made digs at Stan. But please understand that I have absolutely NO animosity or ill will towards him now. I am only recapping my feelings at the time. The truth is that I pity him. I am the winner in this scenario. Not the fool. Here is the definition of pity:
Eventually I had to tell people that I was pregnant. And when I say "people" I mean EVERYONE. I knew my family would love me no matter what so not that it was easy to tell them, but I knew they weren't going to disown me. Stan and I were still together but it felt forced. I knew that I wanted to be with him for Kailynn's sake and it ended up making me a doormat. Kailynn once told me she would NEVER let a guy treat her bad. I quickly reminded her to watch what she's says. Do you think I am a weak person? Can you imagine ME letting anyone walk all over me? "NO!" was her response. Well anything is possible and it's easy to get stuck in a rut. The horrible part of being a doormat for anyone, including friends, family, partners, coworkers, etc. is that you start believing you have no self worth. It's like cancer that spreads through your body. You begin to let things happen that you would never in million years expect to put up with. Then you start to question yourself. I am doing something to cause this? I must deserve this because I'm a terrible person. Or for a pregnant teenager, I've already failed at being responsible, I can't fail at this relationship too. If we stay together, everyone will see it was meant to be and I won't appear to be "used goods". I can remember thinking that if Stan and I didn't work out, no one would be with me. Who in their right mind would date a 17 year old mother? Or 18 year old and so on. I would be alone. There is such a stigma for young pregnant girls. I really don't understand why. Lots of people were having sex too. Is it that they think we are dumb? At 16 you aren't thinking that it will actually happen to you. It's like riding a bike without a helmet. Lots of people have survived bike rides without brain injuries. But the ONE time you fall and hit your head, it can change your life forever. But yet you see people all the time riding around without a helmet. No one really thinks it will happen to them. So back to telling people...
I'm not really sure how people came to find out I was pregnant. In high school I can imagine now that it was only a matter of minutes before the whole school knew. I most certainly wasn't showing. So I know I told my friends, who then told their friends, who then told everyone else. I began to notice whispers and stares in the hallway and it was clear that everyone knew. I hated it! Some people acted so fake around me. I'm not upset by it but I wanted things to be normal. It was like everyone felt sorry for me. I didn't want pity. I wanted to act like nothing had changed. Then there were the people who were genuinely concerned for me. I believe there were also quite a few people who didn't even believe it! No way! Rebecca?? I could see the disappointment on my teachers' faces and it was devastating. Except for my math teacher. He seriously had no idea! I sat in the front row and he still never caught on. But I liked it that way. He treated me like anyone else. (I learned later on that his wife was battling breast cancer, so I'm sure he had his own distractions) The worst I felt amongst my peers was when my elementary boyfriend found out. He actually had the guts to ask me to my face about these rumors. I had spent most of 5th & 6th grade wearing his cologne injected school jacket with his name displayed on my back. He sat next to me in spanish class. I'm sitting there before class starts and hardly anyone is around. He sits his books on his desk and looks at me. "Rebecca, are you (in a whisper) pregnant?" I sank in my seat. I wanted to hide. I could hear the disappointment in his voice and I couldn't lie to him. I could see the sincerity and concern on his face. "Yes" was all I could muster up. "But you were my first love" he replied. My heart sank. I had even disappointed him. Sorry! Trust me, I wasn't trying to hurt everyone I had ever met. At the time I didn't read anything into it but now I think it was so sweet. He was just being honest and trying to find out for himself. I was told once that he asked about me at a high school reunion and it makes me smile. It's not a romantic feeling but a good feeling that there is such a kind soul out there that worried about me. Even after all these years:)
Everyone eventually found out and it became kind of fun to talk about it. I can honestly say that for a bunch of teenagers, I had a pretty good support system. I was an expert at putting on a happy face, or at least I think I was. I wasn't really sharing my deepest darkest thoughts with anyone. I didn't want to scare them off. I was learning how to internalize my fear. I would go to school holding my head high but was a wreck on the inside. Grown married women can't control their emotions at times during pregnancy and I was mastering a facade. I had something to prove. I couldn't look weak or appear to be losing it because that meant I was failing. Failing at being pregnant? So sad to think I wasted so much time beating myself up when I was going to need all the encouragement in the world to survive. It was hard to function when I had excitement, fear, anxiety, issues at home, issues with Stan, issues with friends, even the normal day to day life of a high schooler. It was at times so overwhelming I felt as though I was suffocating.
It was finally time for me to have my ultrasound and find out what I was having. We made the appointment and I couldn't wait! Everyone was excited, including Stan. He showed his excitement by going to the mall and buying baby AIR Jordan's and hanging them on is rear view mirror. We show up to the hospital and a woman comes to get me. I really wish I was making this up but this is the God's honest truth. She called my name and when she saw me with Stan and my mom. She looked mad. What's her problem? Was I inconveniencing her by being at my appointment. She told my mom and Stan they weren't allowed back! Are you kidding me?? Since when? We just watched all kinds of people go back with their spouses and whomever else. I walk back into the room and she tells me to put the robe on and shuts the door. Well nice to meet you too. How was my day? Great, thanks for asking you old hag! I put the paper robe on and she returns and tells me to lay back. There are signs posted everywhere stating "this ultrasound is NOT to determine the sex of the baby, it is for medical reasons only!" Seriously? I mean, I get it. An ultrasound is meant to look for several other things besides a vagina or a penis, but was it really going to kill her to tell me. I didn't dare ask! She squeezed the cold gel onto my stomach, rolled the wand around, handed me a kleenex to wipe the gel off and said she would send the results to the doctor. I could get dressed and return to the lobby. So, I did as she said and when I came out my mom was pissed! "Are you done???" Well, I guess so mom. I told her what happened and she was fit to be tied. This was the mom I was used to seeing. I didn't want to make a big scene so we just left. What a brutal reminder that I wasn't worthy. I take that back, what a reminder that there are some seriously ignorant people out there.
I forgot to mention my OBGYN, he was AWESOME. He actually told me a story at my first visit about his sister having a baby when she was young. I felt he was so compassionate and he treated me with respect. At my next visit, he says, "ultrasound looks great! What are you having?" My mom went off, telling him the whole story. You could see the shock on his face. "I am so sorry" he said. "I want you to come to the hospital tomorrow and I will do the ultrasound myself, free of charge." We were ecstatic! So we went down and he treated me like a million bucks. He showed me her heart beating and her little legs. Counted all her little toes and fingers. Doing what I normal ultrasound technician would have done. Then he asked if I was sure I wanted to know. Of course! Tell me already. "IT'S A GIRL!" You could have heard a pin drop. Stan was devastated. Who was going to wear the air jordan's he bought? You see, he so desperately wanted a boy. And to be 100% honest, so did I. I knew I would have a better chance of him sticking around if he had a son. I was really beaming on the inside. A girl!! I'm going to dress her up, teach her all about make-up and think of all the little shoes I can buy her. She'll be like my little doll! But I didn't say any of that. Thank goodness because now it seems ridiculous. I couldn't admit my excitement. As we left my mom told Stan that she knew he was disappointed but father's have a very special bond with their daughters. That he would still love her and it didn't really matter as long as she was healthy. He wasn't buying it. He didn't talk to me for 3 days. It was all my fault because he knew I was really wanting a girl the whole time. Yes, you moron, I single handily impregnated my self with a female chromosome. The funny thing, it's the guy who determines the sex of the baby, not the woman. Another instance I knew I was alone. Thank you GOD for giving me a little girl. She totally was my little doll. And if I don't say so myself, she has great taste in makeup and shoes:)
I want to end on a very positive note today. I still don't like being a victim or sounding whiny and especially don't like the feeling of pity. There is a difference between pity and sympathy. This has taught me so much about myself in such a short amount of time. It's okay to feel bad about what has happened in our past. It is what we do moving forward that really matters. I don't want people to pity me because it seems like there is no hope when you pity someone. It is not pity that got me where I am today. Like Mr. T says, "I pity the fool". I don't want to look at myself as a fool. I was only a child. Children will be foolish but they have to learn from their actions and choose to make better decisions along the way.
My confession is easy today:
I know that I have made digs at Stan. But please understand that I have absolutely NO animosity or ill will towards him now. I am only recapping my feelings at the time. The truth is that I pity him. I am the winner in this scenario. Not the fool. Here is the definition of pity:
| sympathetic or kindly sorrow evoked by the suffering, distress, or misfortune of another, oftenleading one to give relief or aid or to show mercy: to feel pity for astarving child. I couldn't be the mother I am today if I didn't let go of my anger and hurt. Remember this Kailynn! Not just with this story but with any relationship you ever have in your life. Try to always show mercy and grace. It's not always easy but you can NOT lose when you do!! |
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Mrs. Stan has something to say
I am writing today with a very heavy heart. There are so many thoughts racing through my mind about how to approach the following events.
Obviously after I told my mom the news, there were a lot of "talks" and discussions about what was going to happen next. I was raised to believe abortion was wrong. In eighth grade I even did a mock debate about pro-life. It was easy for me to not even consider this as an option. Stan felt the same way. There was no way he was going to "kill his own baby." When he got home from his basketball tournament he asked me to come over so WE could tell his mom and dad. I'm still not sure how I got suckered into that. So we sat down in the kitchen around a little table and he told his mom. Her response, "well, (big sigh), we'll have to take one day at a time." My reaction (on the inside), well, that was easy!! We got up from the table and that was the end of it. Are you kidding me? Did she hear us correctly? That went way better than when I told my mom! Stan and I went off and it seemed as though things were going to be okay. I actually felt a slight glimpse of excitement. The hard part was behind us. Again, my naivety was blinding.
A few days go by and my parents sit me down to have a "talk". They decide to tell me that it will be in my best interest to have an abortion. My jaw hit the ground. WHAT? You guys don't even believe in that! They continued by telling me all the sacrifices I would have to make and the struggles that ALL parents have, not to mention a 16 year old. I had my whole life ahead of me and this was going to ruin my life. You can imagine my surprise. Who were these people? Were they crazy? How could they ask me to do such a thing? Before you start judging them, remember the fear they had. They were trying to "fix" a situation and keep me from growing up so early. They weren't ashamed of me or worried what other people would think of me or themselves. They were simply trying to keep me from the hurt and devastation of becoming a mother at too early of an age. And they were right. I had NO idea what kind of sacrifices were ahead. I most certainly had no idea what kind of hurt was in front of me. I left the conversation feeling completely lost. It was crazy that they were suggesting such a thing! I told them there was no way in hell and I could do it on my own. I didn't need them. Ha! I was going to need them more than I thought.
I stormed off to my room and called Stan to tell him how terrible my parents were. He agreed. He told me there was no way I was going to have an abortion. He was going to tell them off if they suggested it again. Ah, wasn't he so supportive? (sorry, sarcasm is so addicting) I come home from school the next day and my mom tells me we are going to Stan's house after dinner to talk with his family. She had talked to Mrs. Stan that day and they thought it would be a good idea for us to all sit down and chat. I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. My mom had NEVER talked to Mrs. Stan, this couldn't be good. Stan calls me when he gets home and tells me his mom shared the same news. I expressed my concerns with him in regards to our moms talking. It couldn't be too bad, after all, Mrs. Stan is the one who said we will take it one day at a time. She would talk some sense into my parents and calm them down. In fact, my mom seemed in a better mood already. They must have had a good talk today and ironed everything out. Stan assured me that he wouldn't let anyone yell at me or gang up on me. I told him he didn't know my mom and that he should be scared. He wasn't.
On this evening, we had a terrible snow storm. So bad that school was cancelled the next day. I believe it was so I could recover from the events I am about to describe.
We show up at their house and gather into the kitchen which was the size of a closet. My mom, Mrs. Stan, Stan, and myself sit around the tiny table while our dads leaned up against the counter behind us. Everyone was smiling and saying their hellos and all seemed to be well. Then we got down to business. Mrs. Stan starts telling me that her and my mom had a talk and she really thinks an abortion is the best way to go. Say what??? I had never said a cross word to this woman and was raised to be respectful to adults. I couldn't yell at her like I did my mom. She told me that I wouldn't graduate from high school, I would lose all my friends and oh by the way, Stan wouldn't help me raise this baby. Well she was right about two things. (well, not ALL my friends) I looked at Stan expecting him to raise all hell at the accusations his own mother was making. He sat with his head down. Just staring at the table. All the while, I'm thinking..Say something you idiot! Don't let your mom talk to me like this! I just stared at him, hoping he would look at me and react in some way. He didn't. So I began to defend myself. Mrs. Stan was starting to raise her voice at me and I looked at my mom expecting her to say, "back off, only I'm allowed to talk to my kid that way!" But, she didn't. I explained that I knew I could do it. That I was willing to do whatever it took to graduate AND have my baby. That's when she laid it on me. She tells me that Stan doesn't want the baby and he didn't tell me because I don't let him tell me how he really feels. I seriously thought I was going to throw up. I don't "let" him tell me how he feels? Ok, then tell me STAN, how do YOU feel? Big surprise, he just stared at the table. "See?" says his mom. "I told you!" I am literally punching these keys in anger. Have you ever had a moment where you wish you could go back in time and do it over? I would have slapped her false teeth right across the room:) Wow, that was bad. Sorry. Maybe my honesty is a little too much??? I knew at that moment, I was alone. I was going to deal with this by myself and somehow it was all my fault I was pregnant and if I had the baby it was going to be all my "problem". So I simply said to him, "If you are going to let your mom continue to talk to me this way, then I'm leaving." He looked up. Looked me square in the eyes and said, "There's the door." So, I stood up, walked out the door and got straight into the car where is was freezing and literally wept. I'm serious. It wasn't a cry, it was a sob. The kind where snot is dripping all over and you don't think you will ever stop. It wasn't long and my parents were at the car. Stan came out to say goodbye and tried to console me. Is this guy bipolar? What kind of game was he trying to play? I will never understand. It took FOREVER to get home! The roads were terrible. I wanted out of the car and in my room as soon as possible. I thought about jumping out of the car. No, it was too cold and I hate the cold. My mind was racing with terrible thoughts. I hated my parents, hated Stan, hated Mrs. Stan, heck I even hated Mr. Stan and he never said a word. I hated everyone. But most of all, I hated myself.
We finally got home and I ran to my room and locked the door. I flung myself on my bed and laid there in fetal position praying. Please God make me strong. Please God make me strong. Please God help me get through this. Please, please, please. I'll NEVER ask for anything else. Get me through this! And then there was a knock at my door and I heard my mom say my name. "Go AWAY!" I'm never coming out of here again." "Open the door, Rebecca" she replied. I opened the door and laid back in my bed burying my face. I couldn't look at her. I wouldn't look at her. She had betrayed me and I'll never forgive her!! Then she said the best words a mother could say to her pregnant 16 year old daughter. "Rebecca, you are not having an abortion and we will never talk about it again. I hope you know I love you." She closed the door and I thanked God he had given me a little sign that I was going to be okay.
It is very important that you understand how much it pains me to write these things. My parents terribly regret their actions in the heat of their pain and worry. My mom told me once that she was sorry she ever asked me to even consider such a thing. I don't blame my parents for reacting the way they did. My parents never acted ashamed of me or Kailynn. They are both proud grandparents and are very proud of me for making the decision I did. I would even venture to say they are proud of me for sticking to what I believed in. After all, that is the way they raised me! Where's dad#1 in all of this? He was 4 hours away without a clue. I was about 5 months pregnant when I finally had the guts to tell him.
Today I confess: Even this did not make me realize that Stan and I weren't going to be together forever!!
P.S. I love you Mom and Dad
Obviously after I told my mom the news, there were a lot of "talks" and discussions about what was going to happen next. I was raised to believe abortion was wrong. In eighth grade I even did a mock debate about pro-life. It was easy for me to not even consider this as an option. Stan felt the same way. There was no way he was going to "kill his own baby." When he got home from his basketball tournament he asked me to come over so WE could tell his mom and dad. I'm still not sure how I got suckered into that. So we sat down in the kitchen around a little table and he told his mom. Her response, "well, (big sigh), we'll have to take one day at a time." My reaction (on the inside), well, that was easy!! We got up from the table and that was the end of it. Are you kidding me? Did she hear us correctly? That went way better than when I told my mom! Stan and I went off and it seemed as though things were going to be okay. I actually felt a slight glimpse of excitement. The hard part was behind us. Again, my naivety was blinding.
A few days go by and my parents sit me down to have a "talk". They decide to tell me that it will be in my best interest to have an abortion. My jaw hit the ground. WHAT? You guys don't even believe in that! They continued by telling me all the sacrifices I would have to make and the struggles that ALL parents have, not to mention a 16 year old. I had my whole life ahead of me and this was going to ruin my life. You can imagine my surprise. Who were these people? Were they crazy? How could they ask me to do such a thing? Before you start judging them, remember the fear they had. They were trying to "fix" a situation and keep me from growing up so early. They weren't ashamed of me or worried what other people would think of me or themselves. They were simply trying to keep me from the hurt and devastation of becoming a mother at too early of an age. And they were right. I had NO idea what kind of sacrifices were ahead. I most certainly had no idea what kind of hurt was in front of me. I left the conversation feeling completely lost. It was crazy that they were suggesting such a thing! I told them there was no way in hell and I could do it on my own. I didn't need them. Ha! I was going to need them more than I thought.
I stormed off to my room and called Stan to tell him how terrible my parents were. He agreed. He told me there was no way I was going to have an abortion. He was going to tell them off if they suggested it again. Ah, wasn't he so supportive? (sorry, sarcasm is so addicting) I come home from school the next day and my mom tells me we are going to Stan's house after dinner to talk with his family. She had talked to Mrs. Stan that day and they thought it would be a good idea for us to all sit down and chat. I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. My mom had NEVER talked to Mrs. Stan, this couldn't be good. Stan calls me when he gets home and tells me his mom shared the same news. I expressed my concerns with him in regards to our moms talking. It couldn't be too bad, after all, Mrs. Stan is the one who said we will take it one day at a time. She would talk some sense into my parents and calm them down. In fact, my mom seemed in a better mood already. They must have had a good talk today and ironed everything out. Stan assured me that he wouldn't let anyone yell at me or gang up on me. I told him he didn't know my mom and that he should be scared. He wasn't.
On this evening, we had a terrible snow storm. So bad that school was cancelled the next day. I believe it was so I could recover from the events I am about to describe.
We show up at their house and gather into the kitchen which was the size of a closet. My mom, Mrs. Stan, Stan, and myself sit around the tiny table while our dads leaned up against the counter behind us. Everyone was smiling and saying their hellos and all seemed to be well. Then we got down to business. Mrs. Stan starts telling me that her and my mom had a talk and she really thinks an abortion is the best way to go. Say what??? I had never said a cross word to this woman and was raised to be respectful to adults. I couldn't yell at her like I did my mom. She told me that I wouldn't graduate from high school, I would lose all my friends and oh by the way, Stan wouldn't help me raise this baby. Well she was right about two things. (well, not ALL my friends) I looked at Stan expecting him to raise all hell at the accusations his own mother was making. He sat with his head down. Just staring at the table. All the while, I'm thinking..Say something you idiot! Don't let your mom talk to me like this! I just stared at him, hoping he would look at me and react in some way. He didn't. So I began to defend myself. Mrs. Stan was starting to raise her voice at me and I looked at my mom expecting her to say, "back off, only I'm allowed to talk to my kid that way!" But, she didn't. I explained that I knew I could do it. That I was willing to do whatever it took to graduate AND have my baby. That's when she laid it on me. She tells me that Stan doesn't want the baby and he didn't tell me because I don't let him tell me how he really feels. I seriously thought I was going to throw up. I don't "let" him tell me how he feels? Ok, then tell me STAN, how do YOU feel? Big surprise, he just stared at the table. "See?" says his mom. "I told you!" I am literally punching these keys in anger. Have you ever had a moment where you wish you could go back in time and do it over? I would have slapped her false teeth right across the room:) Wow, that was bad. Sorry. Maybe my honesty is a little too much??? I knew at that moment, I was alone. I was going to deal with this by myself and somehow it was all my fault I was pregnant and if I had the baby it was going to be all my "problem". So I simply said to him, "If you are going to let your mom continue to talk to me this way, then I'm leaving." He looked up. Looked me square in the eyes and said, "There's the door." So, I stood up, walked out the door and got straight into the car where is was freezing and literally wept. I'm serious. It wasn't a cry, it was a sob. The kind where snot is dripping all over and you don't think you will ever stop. It wasn't long and my parents were at the car. Stan came out to say goodbye and tried to console me. Is this guy bipolar? What kind of game was he trying to play? I will never understand. It took FOREVER to get home! The roads were terrible. I wanted out of the car and in my room as soon as possible. I thought about jumping out of the car. No, it was too cold and I hate the cold. My mind was racing with terrible thoughts. I hated my parents, hated Stan, hated Mrs. Stan, heck I even hated Mr. Stan and he never said a word. I hated everyone. But most of all, I hated myself.
We finally got home and I ran to my room and locked the door. I flung myself on my bed and laid there in fetal position praying. Please God make me strong. Please God make me strong. Please God help me get through this. Please, please, please. I'll NEVER ask for anything else. Get me through this! And then there was a knock at my door and I heard my mom say my name. "Go AWAY!" I'm never coming out of here again." "Open the door, Rebecca" she replied. I opened the door and laid back in my bed burying my face. I couldn't look at her. I wouldn't look at her. She had betrayed me and I'll never forgive her!! Then she said the best words a mother could say to her pregnant 16 year old daughter. "Rebecca, you are not having an abortion and we will never talk about it again. I hope you know I love you." She closed the door and I thanked God he had given me a little sign that I was going to be okay.
It is very important that you understand how much it pains me to write these things. My parents terribly regret their actions in the heat of their pain and worry. My mom told me once that she was sorry she ever asked me to even consider such a thing. I don't blame my parents for reacting the way they did. My parents never acted ashamed of me or Kailynn. They are both proud grandparents and are very proud of me for making the decision I did. I would even venture to say they are proud of me for sticking to what I believed in. After all, that is the way they raised me! Where's dad#1 in all of this? He was 4 hours away without a clue. I was about 5 months pregnant when I finally had the guts to tell him.
Today I confess: Even this did not make me realize that Stan and I weren't going to be together forever!!
P.S. I love you Mom and Dad
Monday, September 16, 2013
How many pregnancy tests does it take?
Since I have started this journey, not only have several people offered words of encouragement but they've also shared some of their own experiences. It can be so healing to confess our faults and let each other know we are not alone in our experiences. Isn't it funny how there are times when we feel so alone that it seems impossible that anyone can relate? Just by opening MY heart to others, it has allowed others to open their heart to me. For that, I am forever grateful. So thank you for all of your messages, sharing and feedback.
Let me explain how I came to find out I was pregnant. First of all, I knew I had unprotected sex so I was already scared to death. I didn't really think I could get pregnant considering the amount of times I had actually been active. I had always heard people talking about trying to get pregnant and it seemed to be something that took a lot of time and effort. I wasn't trying, so how was it possible? A doctor told me once that a 16 year old has a 1 in 4 chance of getting pregnant and you are the most fertile during ages 16-25. So the odds were in my favor:) But again, I really couldn't imagine this happening to ME. I was a good student, a good person, and things like this didn't happen to girls like me.
The time came to take a test. Like any good student and good person, I told Stan there was no way I was going to get a pregnancy test. So he did what any normal kid would do who was scared and stole three tests from the grocery store. Again, as a rule follower, I was mortified. But better to steal them than to get caught buying them! I went to his house and snuck the first test into the bathroom, read the directions and did as they said. I then creatively snuck the test back into his bedroom and we were going to wait three minutes to see the result. By the time I pulled it out of the box, it was already positive. I read the directions again to make sure I was reading it correctly. I told myself to stay calm, I'm sure these things are false positives all the time, right? So I then went to take the second test. Same result. I'm not sure if I was in denial or plain stupid but I did the test for the THIRD time, and as you can guess, still positive! To be completely honest, I don't remember much of what Stan and I talked about immediately following. I was in complete shock! WHAT was I going to tell my parents? More importantly, HOW was I going to tell them?? Terror was beginning to set in. What would my grandma think of me? What about my teachers and people at school? I was going to be the topic of a lot of gossip and it made me sick. This wasn't the kind of attention I would want to bring on myself.
I went home and decided I was going to wait a while before saying anything to anyone. This was going to be our little secret. There was still a chance that all three tests were wrong and I just happened to have a rare hormone that made every pregnancy test positive! Or maybe this was just a trick to teach me a lesson. A few days went by and reality began to sink in. I was going to have a baby and there was no where to hide, no way to hide it, and I was going to have to face it. I'm not going to lie, there would be moments where I would get excited about having a baby. I had always loved babies and babysitting. I still do! Babies are so sweet and innocent. They love you so unconditionally and this was going to be my own little baby who would never leave me and always love me. I was going to be the best mom ever and my parents wouldn't be mad forever...right? They may be upset but they loved me and would understand, or would they? The secret was beginning to kill me! I couldn't take it anymore.
Looking back I think this next part is funny. I totally used the "I have a friend" line on my mom. We were out Christmas shopping and I told her I "had a friend" that had some bad news to tell her mom. As a mom, would she want to know before or after Christmas? She quickly responded, "After! She should wait until Christmas is over so she doesn't ruin it for her mom." You can imagine my relief! Okay then, after Christmas it will be. I don't know what I would have done if she said before Christmas. I wasn't prepared at all. Christmas came and went and I was sick to my stomach. Was it nerves or morning sickness? Probably both. How in the world was I going to do this. I had such a good relationship with my mom when I was little. Teenage girls put quite a strain on their mothers, and we had our fair share of strain. But I knew my mom loved me and she was going to be devastated by my news. I can not even imagine any of my children coming to me with such a thing or how I would react.
Stan was going to a basketball tournament for New Years and I decided it would be a good idea to tell my mom while he was out of town. I also decided it would be a good idea to tell her right before I had to go to work so I would have an excuse to leave the house. My hands are literally shaking as I type this. Just recounting the moments leading up to my confession is making me tremble. I'm not trying to be funny or make a joke out of this but, I get kind of giggly when I'm nervous. So I got completely ready for work and my dad had already left for the day so my mom was in the kitchen all alone. I got my keys and told her I was going to leave but had to tell her something first. I was sitting at the table waiting for her to stop what she was doing and give me her full attention. I think she realized it was serious when she saw me sitting at the table. She stood across from me and asked in a very unconcerning way what was up. What was up? Um, how do I put this? Should I say, "surprise, you're going to be a 40 year old grandma!" or "you might want to sit down, I'm the next virgin Mary!" The better part of me knew not to make a joke out of this. Remember how I told you I get giggly when I'm nervous. Well I distinctively remember having this uncontrollable grin on my face. I proceeded by saying, "Mom, you know how you can always tell when something is wrong with me?" she replied, "yeeessss????" I continued, "well, there is something wrong." Her response, "You got an F on your report card!" Oh mom, if only that were the case. I would have rather told you I had ten F's than to admit the truth. My response, "Nooooo...." And then she knew. I didn't even say it! She went straight from "you got an F?" to "you are PREGNANT!!"
Oh Rebecca, what have you done??? And then she began to weep...and yell...and weep some more. I just sat there waiting for her to get it out. And then, for the first time, I actually cried. I had not cried one time until my mom did. Seeing her disappointment and fury broke me. I couldn't be strong another second. I got in my car and left, crying the whole way to work. The shame was sinking in more and more that it was almost unbearable. How could I do this to my family? How could I be so careless. What was I thinking telling her right before I had to go to work??? Even though I crushed my mom, I felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders. I've never been a good liar and I needed to be honest.
It is hard for me to know what to confess today. I am exhausted just thinking of the chain of events. But this is what comes to mind:
I confess:
A. there was a better way to go about telling my mom
B. this was the hardest thing I've ever had to do
C. I hope I am never on the receiving end of a conversation like the one I just described
Let me explain how I came to find out I was pregnant. First of all, I knew I had unprotected sex so I was already scared to death. I didn't really think I could get pregnant considering the amount of times I had actually been active. I had always heard people talking about trying to get pregnant and it seemed to be something that took a lot of time and effort. I wasn't trying, so how was it possible? A doctor told me once that a 16 year old has a 1 in 4 chance of getting pregnant and you are the most fertile during ages 16-25. So the odds were in my favor:) But again, I really couldn't imagine this happening to ME. I was a good student, a good person, and things like this didn't happen to girls like me.
The time came to take a test. Like any good student and good person, I told Stan there was no way I was going to get a pregnancy test. So he did what any normal kid would do who was scared and stole three tests from the grocery store. Again, as a rule follower, I was mortified. But better to steal them than to get caught buying them! I went to his house and snuck the first test into the bathroom, read the directions and did as they said. I then creatively snuck the test back into his bedroom and we were going to wait three minutes to see the result. By the time I pulled it out of the box, it was already positive. I read the directions again to make sure I was reading it correctly. I told myself to stay calm, I'm sure these things are false positives all the time, right? So I then went to take the second test. Same result. I'm not sure if I was in denial or plain stupid but I did the test for the THIRD time, and as you can guess, still positive! To be completely honest, I don't remember much of what Stan and I talked about immediately following. I was in complete shock! WHAT was I going to tell my parents? More importantly, HOW was I going to tell them?? Terror was beginning to set in. What would my grandma think of me? What about my teachers and people at school? I was going to be the topic of a lot of gossip and it made me sick. This wasn't the kind of attention I would want to bring on myself.
I went home and decided I was going to wait a while before saying anything to anyone. This was going to be our little secret. There was still a chance that all three tests were wrong and I just happened to have a rare hormone that made every pregnancy test positive! Or maybe this was just a trick to teach me a lesson. A few days went by and reality began to sink in. I was going to have a baby and there was no where to hide, no way to hide it, and I was going to have to face it. I'm not going to lie, there would be moments where I would get excited about having a baby. I had always loved babies and babysitting. I still do! Babies are so sweet and innocent. They love you so unconditionally and this was going to be my own little baby who would never leave me and always love me. I was going to be the best mom ever and my parents wouldn't be mad forever...right? They may be upset but they loved me and would understand, or would they? The secret was beginning to kill me! I couldn't take it anymore.
Looking back I think this next part is funny. I totally used the "I have a friend" line on my mom. We were out Christmas shopping and I told her I "had a friend" that had some bad news to tell her mom. As a mom, would she want to know before or after Christmas? She quickly responded, "After! She should wait until Christmas is over so she doesn't ruin it for her mom." You can imagine my relief! Okay then, after Christmas it will be. I don't know what I would have done if she said before Christmas. I wasn't prepared at all. Christmas came and went and I was sick to my stomach. Was it nerves or morning sickness? Probably both. How in the world was I going to do this. I had such a good relationship with my mom when I was little. Teenage girls put quite a strain on their mothers, and we had our fair share of strain. But I knew my mom loved me and she was going to be devastated by my news. I can not even imagine any of my children coming to me with such a thing or how I would react.
Stan was going to a basketball tournament for New Years and I decided it would be a good idea to tell my mom while he was out of town. I also decided it would be a good idea to tell her right before I had to go to work so I would have an excuse to leave the house. My hands are literally shaking as I type this. Just recounting the moments leading up to my confession is making me tremble. I'm not trying to be funny or make a joke out of this but, I get kind of giggly when I'm nervous. So I got completely ready for work and my dad had already left for the day so my mom was in the kitchen all alone. I got my keys and told her I was going to leave but had to tell her something first. I was sitting at the table waiting for her to stop what she was doing and give me her full attention. I think she realized it was serious when she saw me sitting at the table. She stood across from me and asked in a very unconcerning way what was up. What was up? Um, how do I put this? Should I say, "surprise, you're going to be a 40 year old grandma!" or "you might want to sit down, I'm the next virgin Mary!" The better part of me knew not to make a joke out of this. Remember how I told you I get giggly when I'm nervous. Well I distinctively remember having this uncontrollable grin on my face. I proceeded by saying, "Mom, you know how you can always tell when something is wrong with me?" she replied, "yeeessss????" I continued, "well, there is something wrong." Her response, "You got an F on your report card!" Oh mom, if only that were the case. I would have rather told you I had ten F's than to admit the truth. My response, "Nooooo...." And then she knew. I didn't even say it! She went straight from "you got an F?" to "you are PREGNANT!!"
Oh Rebecca, what have you done??? And then she began to weep...and yell...and weep some more. I just sat there waiting for her to get it out. And then, for the first time, I actually cried. I had not cried one time until my mom did. Seeing her disappointment and fury broke me. I couldn't be strong another second. I got in my car and left, crying the whole way to work. The shame was sinking in more and more that it was almost unbearable. How could I do this to my family? How could I be so careless. What was I thinking telling her right before I had to go to work??? Even though I crushed my mom, I felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders. I've never been a good liar and I needed to be honest.
It is hard for me to know what to confess today. I am exhausted just thinking of the chain of events. But this is what comes to mind:
I confess:
A. there was a better way to go about telling my mom
B. this was the hardest thing I've ever had to do
C. I hope I am never on the receiving end of a conversation like the one I just described
Friday, September 13, 2013
Are you there God? It's me, Rebecca.
I'm sitting here debating how far I should go in my story. You see, this is supposed to be for Kailynn and there is a certain message I want to convey to her. Actually a message I want to convey to everyone. The only problem is....I don't know what it is yet! So many things jump around in my head. Maybe this is more of me being a teenage mother. Do all mothers feel this way about their past? Every mother cares what her children think about her. I struggle sharing certain things because most children don't want to know every detail in their mom's love life. For me, I feel like it explains so much more about why I am the mother I am, and I feel the need to justify some of my actions to her. After all, she did live through all of them. Someday I would love for her to tell her story. What all does she remember? Did I totally screw her up? Has she blocked it all out? Was she disappointed in me or did she not know any different? Anyway, that's what's on my mind as I continue...
Deep breath...
Let me pick up where I left off. We broke up officially and I cried like a baby for about three days. I didn't want to go to school, I couldn't concentrate in class, I was furious with myself for doing something so stupid. The guilt and shame was setting in and I could feel myself going into a dark hole. Why, Rebecca??? Why did you have sex??? I wanted to tell my mom so bad!! She was starting to get sick of my crying and was past the point of sympathy.
Let me explain my mother and her mother, and her sister, and any woman that is a descendant of my great grandmother. We are never allowed to be the victim! Ok, you can cry for a minute, even feel sorry for yourself for a second. But we never give up or let anyone else determine how we are going to function in the world. I don't want to paint the wrong picture. These are not militant women. Just strong, loving women. Women who have made their own mistakes and aren't ashamed to admit it. They have faced their challenges head on and don't spend much time dwelling. It's selfish to dwell because someone always has it way worse.
Anyway, back to what I was saying. I couldn't tell my mom what happened because I didn't want to disappoint her. Who wants to confess to their mother they lost their virginity at 15? Not me! It's hard being a teenage girl. One part of brain was saying, "Don't tell your mom" and the other was saying, "tell her everything and she will understand why you are so upset." Well, the "don't tell your mom" part won. She told me all about her high school sweet heart and how my life wasn't really over and get out of my bed and move on! Now that I'm a mom, I operate the same way. I hate to see my kids hurt. But sometimes we chose our own hurt. In this case, I decided to move on.
I had an incredible summer! I turned 16, got my license, and hung out with friends every day. It was a blast. I was definitely starting to forget about Stan and beginning to feel like myself again. I met a few boys that summer and became really good friends with a boy that I met while laying out at my friend's house. It is important to mention this because he will re-enter this story later. I will name him "Jack".
Over the course of the summer, Stan would randomly call me at all hours of the night. He sounded drunk but I was never truly sure. He wanted to know if I had a boyfriend, what I was up to, nothing really out of the ordinary, but he wasn't himself. I was so naive I didn't even know what a drunk person acted like. My parents NEVER had alcohol around us. They most certainly didn't get drunk around me, so how was I supposed to know what alcohol did to people's speech? My heart broke for him. Why was he going down this path? I'm being serious! That is how big of a prude I was!! I thought alcohol was the worst thing ever. First of all, it was illegal and to a rule follower, that is a big deal:) By the time school started I had heard that he was "partying" and it bothered me. You see, I spent my summer going to youth group with my friend Joni. By the time school started for me, I was closer than ever to God. I had been baptized and knew all my sins had been washed away. I had been forgiven for lack of judgement and had a clean slate. God is good like that! Don't be too proud of me yet:)
It was around Halloween and I decided to call Stan and see what was going on with him. I had spent almost two years with this boy that I talked to EVERY single day and couldn't believe the things I was hearing. He had broken up with his girlfriend at some point so I felt like it was okay to call him. My reason for calling him was because a girl in my math class was talking about him throwing up in the taco bell parking lot! I couldn't believe it! He must have a problem if he's throwing up after drinking! Again, sooo naive. So I called. He told me that I was the only one who ever really understood him. Then he asked me to meet him so we could talk face-to-face. We met at a park and talked for hours. I told him about my concern and he was honestly appreciative. He was glad to talk to me and be himself. I could feel that the bond between us was still there. It was so nice to talk to him, but I was strong and only doing it out of concern for his well being;) (I wish there was an easier way to express sarcasm)
We began talking more frequently and my mom had warned me to be careful. She remembered the pain he had caused and she didn't want to see me go through that again. I mentioned to a girl in class that I was talking to him again. She said, "you know he's never stopped loving you". She was friends with his ex girlfriend and told me he showed up over the summer to her house crying. Crying? Why?! He told his girlfriend that he still loved me and missed me! Ok, this is what every girl wants to hear about an ex boyfriend, right? He was crying over me? He missed me? He was telling his current girlfriend this? In my eyes, and heart, that was my "sign" that we were meant to be together. He admitted to his actions and of course I was flattered. It was like something out of a movie. Again, I was on cloud 9!
We were officially a couple and soon after Thanksgiving I was pregnant. What happened and how? I think it was at a friends basement and it was only the third time we had ever been sexually active with each other. My baptism? My faith? Yeah, I know. And I really don't know how to answer that. Teenage ignorance? I have such a hard time with this because at the time I was wrapped up in bliss. We were back together and I guess that is all that mattered. I truly believe it was God's plan. I know it sounds crazy to say that God would want a 16 year old girl to be pregnant. But Kailynn, you are truly a gift from God! So who's plan was it? Fate? Whatever anyone else believes, whatever it was, it was right.
My confession: This weak 16 year old girl still lives inside me and I'm happy about it! It keeps me humble:)
Deep breath...
Let me pick up where I left off. We broke up officially and I cried like a baby for about three days. I didn't want to go to school, I couldn't concentrate in class, I was furious with myself for doing something so stupid. The guilt and shame was setting in and I could feel myself going into a dark hole. Why, Rebecca??? Why did you have sex??? I wanted to tell my mom so bad!! She was starting to get sick of my crying and was past the point of sympathy.
Let me explain my mother and her mother, and her sister, and any woman that is a descendant of my great grandmother. We are never allowed to be the victim! Ok, you can cry for a minute, even feel sorry for yourself for a second. But we never give up or let anyone else determine how we are going to function in the world. I don't want to paint the wrong picture. These are not militant women. Just strong, loving women. Women who have made their own mistakes and aren't ashamed to admit it. They have faced their challenges head on and don't spend much time dwelling. It's selfish to dwell because someone always has it way worse.
Anyway, back to what I was saying. I couldn't tell my mom what happened because I didn't want to disappoint her. Who wants to confess to their mother they lost their virginity at 15? Not me! It's hard being a teenage girl. One part of brain was saying, "Don't tell your mom" and the other was saying, "tell her everything and she will understand why you are so upset." Well, the "don't tell your mom" part won. She told me all about her high school sweet heart and how my life wasn't really over and get out of my bed and move on! Now that I'm a mom, I operate the same way. I hate to see my kids hurt. But sometimes we chose our own hurt. In this case, I decided to move on.
I had an incredible summer! I turned 16, got my license, and hung out with friends every day. It was a blast. I was definitely starting to forget about Stan and beginning to feel like myself again. I met a few boys that summer and became really good friends with a boy that I met while laying out at my friend's house. It is important to mention this because he will re-enter this story later. I will name him "Jack".
Over the course of the summer, Stan would randomly call me at all hours of the night. He sounded drunk but I was never truly sure. He wanted to know if I had a boyfriend, what I was up to, nothing really out of the ordinary, but he wasn't himself. I was so naive I didn't even know what a drunk person acted like. My parents NEVER had alcohol around us. They most certainly didn't get drunk around me, so how was I supposed to know what alcohol did to people's speech? My heart broke for him. Why was he going down this path? I'm being serious! That is how big of a prude I was!! I thought alcohol was the worst thing ever. First of all, it was illegal and to a rule follower, that is a big deal:) By the time school started I had heard that he was "partying" and it bothered me. You see, I spent my summer going to youth group with my friend Joni. By the time school started for me, I was closer than ever to God. I had been baptized and knew all my sins had been washed away. I had been forgiven for lack of judgement and had a clean slate. God is good like that! Don't be too proud of me yet:)
It was around Halloween and I decided to call Stan and see what was going on with him. I had spent almost two years with this boy that I talked to EVERY single day and couldn't believe the things I was hearing. He had broken up with his girlfriend at some point so I felt like it was okay to call him. My reason for calling him was because a girl in my math class was talking about him throwing up in the taco bell parking lot! I couldn't believe it! He must have a problem if he's throwing up after drinking! Again, sooo naive. So I called. He told me that I was the only one who ever really understood him. Then he asked me to meet him so we could talk face-to-face. We met at a park and talked for hours. I told him about my concern and he was honestly appreciative. He was glad to talk to me and be himself. I could feel that the bond between us was still there. It was so nice to talk to him, but I was strong and only doing it out of concern for his well being;) (I wish there was an easier way to express sarcasm)
We began talking more frequently and my mom had warned me to be careful. She remembered the pain he had caused and she didn't want to see me go through that again. I mentioned to a girl in class that I was talking to him again. She said, "you know he's never stopped loving you". She was friends with his ex girlfriend and told me he showed up over the summer to her house crying. Crying? Why?! He told his girlfriend that he still loved me and missed me! Ok, this is what every girl wants to hear about an ex boyfriend, right? He was crying over me? He missed me? He was telling his current girlfriend this? In my eyes, and heart, that was my "sign" that we were meant to be together. He admitted to his actions and of course I was flattered. It was like something out of a movie. Again, I was on cloud 9!
We were officially a couple and soon after Thanksgiving I was pregnant. What happened and how? I think it was at a friends basement and it was only the third time we had ever been sexually active with each other. My baptism? My faith? Yeah, I know. And I really don't know how to answer that. Teenage ignorance? I have such a hard time with this because at the time I was wrapped up in bliss. We were back together and I guess that is all that mattered. I truly believe it was God's plan. I know it sounds crazy to say that God would want a 16 year old girl to be pregnant. But Kailynn, you are truly a gift from God! So who's plan was it? Fate? Whatever anyone else believes, whatever it was, it was right.
My confession: This weak 16 year old girl still lives inside me and I'm happy about it! It keeps me humble:)
Thursday, September 12, 2013
How I lost my virginity, yikes!
Now that I have gotten my first confession out of the way, I am hoping it will get easier. However, today I am feeling a little anxious about the flood gates that I am about to open. You have to understand that it has been a long time since I've had to relive these feelings and experiences. I'm torn between being honest and protecting myself. Being a teenage mother taught me to always have my guard up and to be very pessimistic about people in the world. I had to learn at a very young age that disappointment was always right around the corner. And so my story continues...
So "Stan" and I ended our freshman year in bliss which continued on into our sophomore year. We were very active with our friends and to be honest acting like we were a married couple. We would talk about our future and how we would be together forever. Looking back I find it humorous that I have no recollection of what either one of us aspired to be when we "grew up." That wasn't important at the time, just knowing we were going to be together was enough for me. That is why my first confession is so important to understand. Love, even teenage love, puppy love, or whatever you want to call it, is still love. I loved him to the best I knew how.
***WARNING*** My parents, family or anyone else who might be uncomfortable reading about my physical relationship should stop reading now:) Don't worry, it's PG-13, I think...not to ruin the ending but it's obvious I had sex eventually, right?
With hormones raging and the bond building stronger and stronger it's only natural that we were curious about each other physically. I was sooooo shy and timid that I always wanted to take things slow. We weren't into drinking and partying so I can honestly say that it was pure raging hormones that took over. Amazing how we always found a way to sneak off in a corner at a friends house or in his car, for heaven sakes HIS BEDROOM!(seriously, his parents didn't mind, they were home) Honestly, I knew I wanted to stay a virgin until marriage. The Bible says so, my parents say so, my heart KNEW so. But it was becoming harder and harder to resist something that felt so right. I mean, we were going to get married for crying out loud. What's a little heavy petting???
Spring of sophomore year came and it was track season. Stan was quite the track star. He broke every record in high jump and set his sights on winning state. It was his normal routine to come home from practice and call me right away. One day he did not call. No big deal, I called him. Something was off, I couldn't tell at first but I knew there was something. This continued a few days in a row until I asked him what was going on. He had been acting strange at school and on the phone and I could tell I was losing him. Panic struck immediately!! I demanded him to tell me what was going on until he finally caved. HE WAS BREAKING UP WITH ME! I was devastated to say the least. I began sobbing and begging him to change his mind. He was also upset but he didn't know how to deal with ending this relationship. I can't blame him. He was young, tied down, and looking for freedom to do what normal 16 year old boys were doing. I began blaming myself and telling him that I wouldn't be so needy, that I couldn't lose him, I needed him and couldn't live without him. Honestly, it was pathetic. We were equally demanding of each other but in this instance I felt as if I were the only one to blame. It must have been something I did or said. But no, it came down to another girl on the track team that caught his interest. The worst kind of girl. Pretty AND nice!
What happens next is so hard to put in writing. Only because it seems so real when you put it in black and white. But the truth is real, and this really happened. (All of the sudden I feel sick to my stomach)
I begged Stan to come over one day after school. No one was home and I knew if I could talk to him face to face that I could make things work. I wanted him to hold me and tell me everything would be ok. He showed up and I was crying, of course. He couldn't stand to see me so hurt and upset. He began kissing me and telling me everything was okay. (yes, my plan has worked!) So we went to my bedroom without saying a word about what was going to happen next. Never even discussed it but I knew what was going to happen and so did he. One thing lead to another and the next thing I know, I have lost my virginity the a guy who just broke up with me! I know what you are thinking. How could you do that? Why didn't you have sex while you were actually a couple? Or....you stayed strong for a year and a half and throw your virginity away when you aren't even together? Well, like I said, it was love and I would have done anything he wanted to keep him. Even if it meant losing my virginity.
Here is my next confession: Even my virginity didn't make him want me. It was all for nothing.
So "Stan" and I ended our freshman year in bliss which continued on into our sophomore year. We were very active with our friends and to be honest acting like we were a married couple. We would talk about our future and how we would be together forever. Looking back I find it humorous that I have no recollection of what either one of us aspired to be when we "grew up." That wasn't important at the time, just knowing we were going to be together was enough for me. That is why my first confession is so important to understand. Love, even teenage love, puppy love, or whatever you want to call it, is still love. I loved him to the best I knew how.
***WARNING*** My parents, family or anyone else who might be uncomfortable reading about my physical relationship should stop reading now:) Don't worry, it's PG-13, I think...not to ruin the ending but it's obvious I had sex eventually, right?
With hormones raging and the bond building stronger and stronger it's only natural that we were curious about each other physically. I was sooooo shy and timid that I always wanted to take things slow. We weren't into drinking and partying so I can honestly say that it was pure raging hormones that took over. Amazing how we always found a way to sneak off in a corner at a friends house or in his car, for heaven sakes HIS BEDROOM!(seriously, his parents didn't mind, they were home) Honestly, I knew I wanted to stay a virgin until marriage. The Bible says so, my parents say so, my heart KNEW so. But it was becoming harder and harder to resist something that felt so right. I mean, we were going to get married for crying out loud. What's a little heavy petting???
Spring of sophomore year came and it was track season. Stan was quite the track star. He broke every record in high jump and set his sights on winning state. It was his normal routine to come home from practice and call me right away. One day he did not call. No big deal, I called him. Something was off, I couldn't tell at first but I knew there was something. This continued a few days in a row until I asked him what was going on. He had been acting strange at school and on the phone and I could tell I was losing him. Panic struck immediately!! I demanded him to tell me what was going on until he finally caved. HE WAS BREAKING UP WITH ME! I was devastated to say the least. I began sobbing and begging him to change his mind. He was also upset but he didn't know how to deal with ending this relationship. I can't blame him. He was young, tied down, and looking for freedom to do what normal 16 year old boys were doing. I began blaming myself and telling him that I wouldn't be so needy, that I couldn't lose him, I needed him and couldn't live without him. Honestly, it was pathetic. We were equally demanding of each other but in this instance I felt as if I were the only one to blame. It must have been something I did or said. But no, it came down to another girl on the track team that caught his interest. The worst kind of girl. Pretty AND nice!
What happens next is so hard to put in writing. Only because it seems so real when you put it in black and white. But the truth is real, and this really happened. (All of the sudden I feel sick to my stomach)
I begged Stan to come over one day after school. No one was home and I knew if I could talk to him face to face that I could make things work. I wanted him to hold me and tell me everything would be ok. He showed up and I was crying, of course. He couldn't stand to see me so hurt and upset. He began kissing me and telling me everything was okay. (yes, my plan has worked!) So we went to my bedroom without saying a word about what was going to happen next. Never even discussed it but I knew what was going to happen and so did he. One thing lead to another and the next thing I know, I have lost my virginity the a guy who just broke up with me! I know what you are thinking. How could you do that? Why didn't you have sex while you were actually a couple? Or....you stayed strong for a year and a half and throw your virginity away when you aren't even together? Well, like I said, it was love and I would have done anything he wanted to keep him. Even if it meant losing my virginity.
Here is my next confession: Even my virginity didn't make him want me. It was all for nothing.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
My First confession
Hello blog world! I am new to the blogging world so please be patient with me as I try to share my story, my truth with you about being a teenage mother. The purpose of this blog is to be 100% honest about the last 17 years of my life so that my now, 17 year daughter will know my story. After all, she is a senior this year and deserves to know how important of a role she has played in my life. So this is a gift to you Kailynn, I hope you take it as that - a gift:)
There are some things in my life that I can honestly say that I am not proud of, even ashamed of. Finding out that I am pregnant at 16 is at the top of the list. It's very hard for me to be honest about some of the details because I am embarrassed by my actions so please be open minded and remember we learn from our mistakes. So as hard as it is for me to put myself in the my own shoes at 16, I'm going to do it anyway. Here goes nothing...
The Backstory
When I was three, my parents were divorced. Thankfully, I don't remember any drama or fighting but I always grew up knowing there was serious resentment between my parents. My mom remarried when I was 4 so I was blessed to have two dads. My step-dad and my "real" dad were very different in many ways. But I called them both "Dad". Confusing, I know. I will refer to step dad as dad #2 and "real" dad as dad #1. So dad#2 had a good job and I lived a very middle-class kind of life. Dad#1 lived on a huge old farm 4 hours away so I only saw him twice a year. I know I say I was "blessed" to have two dads but, I haven't always felt that way. It was really like a curse growing up. I think they both felt that the other was creating a father/daughter bond when in reality neither was giving me the attention I needed, let alone forming a bond. I don't want to sound whiny or unappreciative, but I didn't get the "daddy's little girl" feeling from either one and I believe that once I became 14 (boy crazy) it lead me to wanting attention from a male figure for security and self-esteem issues that I was too young to even realize.
By the time I started my freshman year of high school, I couldn't wait to have a boyfriend. In junior high I was awkwardly skinny, tall, bony, wore glasses, and had braces. You can totally picture it, right? So you can imagine how I felt when I got my braces off, filled out a little, and got contacts. All of the sudden I was being noticed by boys and loving the attention. I had never really had a boy shower me with attention and make me feel so special. Now this is the part that I have to dig deep and remember all the positive things about, well, what should I name him? I have an overwhelming urge to be sarcastic and call him Donor. (just being honest) but the better half of me says to name him "Stan". Ok, back to digging deep...
Stan was such a funny. loving, thoughtful person. He had a way of making me feel like I was the most special person he had ever met. I still remember the first time I met him. He was in my gym class! You can imagine a 14 year old girl in a coed gym class. So uncomfortable. I saw him one day talking to a friend of mine and asked her who he was, if he had a girlfriend, etc. She asked if I "liked" him. Well I didn't know if I like him or not but he seemed nice enough, athletic enough, cute enough, all the important qualities I was looking for at the time. I believe she gave him my number and he began to call me. It wasn't until January 5 (not positive about the date) that he asked me out and I accepted. We talked on the phone for HOURS. I had my own private line so I was able to talk to him until wee hours of the night. I was on cloud nine!! We would talk about music, played our favorite songs to each other while talking about school, his sports, our friends, anything we could think of to stay on the phone. As if we wouldn't wake up at 6:00 a.m. and see each other at school. Then we would write notes in every class and exchange them in the hallway while gazing at each other like there was no one else around. Holding hands to class, and confessing our undying love before saying our goodbyes until the next 45 minute class was over and we could repeat the same motions all over again.
Young love is amazing! Stan would get to school early with some of his friends and they would wait at my locker until I got there. I would open my locker and there would be flowers, or candy, maybe even a card. He would make his mom stop on the way to school just to buy me stuff. In my eyes, he was incredible! I had never had anyone make such a fuss over me and I knew I never wanted it to end. I was willing to do anything to keep this so called love in my life and he was willing to do anything to keep me in his. It was the first male relationship I had where I felt a bond that was unbreakable. We were going to be together forever and that was final...so I thought. Life never turns out the way we expect it, does it? I had absolutely NO idea was about to come in the next few years.
So here is my first confession:
I was 100% in love with "Stan" and I hate to admit it
There are some things in my life that I can honestly say that I am not proud of, even ashamed of. Finding out that I am pregnant at 16 is at the top of the list. It's very hard for me to be honest about some of the details because I am embarrassed by my actions so please be open minded and remember we learn from our mistakes. So as hard as it is for me to put myself in the my own shoes at 16, I'm going to do it anyway. Here goes nothing...
The Backstory
When I was three, my parents were divorced. Thankfully, I don't remember any drama or fighting but I always grew up knowing there was serious resentment between my parents. My mom remarried when I was 4 so I was blessed to have two dads. My step-dad and my "real" dad were very different in many ways. But I called them both "Dad". Confusing, I know. I will refer to step dad as dad #2 and "real" dad as dad #1. So dad#2 had a good job and I lived a very middle-class kind of life. Dad#1 lived on a huge old farm 4 hours away so I only saw him twice a year. I know I say I was "blessed" to have two dads but, I haven't always felt that way. It was really like a curse growing up. I think they both felt that the other was creating a father/daughter bond when in reality neither was giving me the attention I needed, let alone forming a bond. I don't want to sound whiny or unappreciative, but I didn't get the "daddy's little girl" feeling from either one and I believe that once I became 14 (boy crazy) it lead me to wanting attention from a male figure for security and self-esteem issues that I was too young to even realize.
By the time I started my freshman year of high school, I couldn't wait to have a boyfriend. In junior high I was awkwardly skinny, tall, bony, wore glasses, and had braces. You can totally picture it, right? So you can imagine how I felt when I got my braces off, filled out a little, and got contacts. All of the sudden I was being noticed by boys and loving the attention. I had never really had a boy shower me with attention and make me feel so special. Now this is the part that I have to dig deep and remember all the positive things about, well, what should I name him? I have an overwhelming urge to be sarcastic and call him Donor. (just being honest) but the better half of me says to name him "Stan". Ok, back to digging deep...
Stan was such a funny. loving, thoughtful person. He had a way of making me feel like I was the most special person he had ever met. I still remember the first time I met him. He was in my gym class! You can imagine a 14 year old girl in a coed gym class. So uncomfortable. I saw him one day talking to a friend of mine and asked her who he was, if he had a girlfriend, etc. She asked if I "liked" him. Well I didn't know if I like him or not but he seemed nice enough, athletic enough, cute enough, all the important qualities I was looking for at the time. I believe she gave him my number and he began to call me. It wasn't until January 5 (not positive about the date) that he asked me out and I accepted. We talked on the phone for HOURS. I had my own private line so I was able to talk to him until wee hours of the night. I was on cloud nine!! We would talk about music, played our favorite songs to each other while talking about school, his sports, our friends, anything we could think of to stay on the phone. As if we wouldn't wake up at 6:00 a.m. and see each other at school. Then we would write notes in every class and exchange them in the hallway while gazing at each other like there was no one else around. Holding hands to class, and confessing our undying love before saying our goodbyes until the next 45 minute class was over and we could repeat the same motions all over again.
Young love is amazing! Stan would get to school early with some of his friends and they would wait at my locker until I got there. I would open my locker and there would be flowers, or candy, maybe even a card. He would make his mom stop on the way to school just to buy me stuff. In my eyes, he was incredible! I had never had anyone make such a fuss over me and I knew I never wanted it to end. I was willing to do anything to keep this so called love in my life and he was willing to do anything to keep me in his. It was the first male relationship I had where I felt a bond that was unbreakable. We were going to be together forever and that was final...so I thought. Life never turns out the way we expect it, does it? I had absolutely NO idea was about to come in the next few years.
So here is my first confession:
I was 100% in love with "Stan" and I hate to admit it
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