Good morning! Yes, I have taken quite a long time to blog and I apologize to those who actually enjoy reading Confessions of a Teenage Mother. I could list a million different excuses why I haven't written but, it doesn't really matter. Today I am here and ready to share and that's what is most important. I just read my last post to remind myself where I left off and I am still smiling ear to ear:)
In the last few months I have been completely inundated with the whole college process. I can honestly say that I've been obsessed. (I'm sure Kailynn is agreeing as she is reading this) There for a while I was spending my days researching every school under the sun that I thought she might like, what programs they had, the safety of the campus, the cost, I even looked at several of their calendars so I would have some idea of when she would be leaving, come home, leave again. It seriously was ridiculous. What in the world was all this information doing for me? It certainly wasn't comforting. Anyway, I am jumping ahead. Let me pick up where I last left off...
So Joey and I got engaged and it was amazing. It's funny how some people can genuinely be happy for you and then others can genuinely NOT be happy for you. Jealousy is an ugly thing, isn't it? I'm not saying that I've never been jealous of anyone, I think we all have. But it is strange when you have been through so much at a young age and then you realize that some people truly will never be happy for you. I still felt myself seeking approval and wanting people to pat me on the back and say "good job, Rebecca! You've beaten the odds" or "I knew you'd overcome your past". Or most importantly, "you deserve to be happy with Joey after all you've been through." The reality is, I'm not sure that it mattered what anyone else said. I still felt unworthy. It was a ME problem, not a them problem. I have to remind myself that I was barely 22 years old. Even though I had been through more than the average girl my age, I still had a whole life ahead of me. I really thought I knew it all. Isnt' that normal though? Don't we all think we know it all when we are in the moment? Then a few years (or 10+) go by and we look back and realize we were so young, immature, and clueless! I'm not ashamed to admit that. But oh how I would love a time machine. I would love to get back the time I spent worrying about what others thought:)
Joey and I were engaged July 6, 2002 and married June 14, 2003. It was a hectic 11 months but it all turned out beautifully. During the ceremony, Joey took a minute to give Kailynn a little diamond necklace we had bought for her. It had three tiny diamonds clustered together and it was to signify the three of us becoming a family. I'm not sure there was a dry eye in the church. I can remember standing there looking down at her and wondering if she really understood the meaning of all that was going on. She was almost 7 but stood there as if she were 16. She looked absolutely beautiful! One of my favorite pictures from my wedding day is of the three of us walking down the isle hand in hand. It really wasn't a day about me, the bride, it was a day for Kailynn. She was finally getting what everyone else had...a set of parents. I have often told the story of when Joey and I were engaged and he told her one day that if she wanted to call him "dad" that he would be okay with it. She looked him square in the eyes and told him that she wanted to wait until we were married. It still makes me laugh. It was as if she wanted to remind him that she wasn't his...yet. And again, her maturity and ability to not get swept away in the bliss was amazing to me. Kind of like, "hold your horses buddy" kind of attitude. She truly is one of a kind. I wish I remembered the first time she actually did call him "daddy".
After all the hype died down, we decided were ready to expand our family. I didn't want to wait too long because Kailynn was already 7 and I wanted her to be close in age to her siblings. I knew I would get pregnant right away because I hadn't "tried" before and look how that turned out:) To my surprise it took a few months. I was beyond excited. To be pregnant and be proud of it was a feeling that I had never experienced before. I tried my best to keep quiet until the 12 week safe zone before I told anyone. I was busting at the seams (figuratively, not physically) and wanted to shout it from the rooftop! I'm having a baby!!! Of course we told our close family and friends right away but, after a few weeks, I told Kailynn. Then, after 10 weeks I told my work. I had already looked on the Chinese calendar and tried to see if I was going to have a boy or a girl. It was so premature but my excitement was unbearable. I love babies and would have had a lot more if they stayed newborn longer. At 11 weeks, to the day, I woke up and felt cramping. I called the doctor and they said it was normal and to stay off my feet and try to rest. It sent panic straight through me. As the day progressed it only worsened and I just knew something was wrong. I eventually ended up at the hospital where I had an emergency DNC and had to face the realization that I had a miscarriage. Words can not explain the pain I felt in my heart. WHY??? Why would I have a miscarriage WHY NOW??? I am married to an amazing man. I WANTED to be pregnant! I "TRIED" for crying out loud. Was this some kind of sick joke that God was playing on me? I can't speak for everyone who has ever had a miscarriage but, for me, I totally blamed myself. I must of done something, ate something, drank something. What did I do? I was absolutely devastated. I remember coming home from the hospital and laying in my bed. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. Joey came into the room and laid next to me. I could see the hurt on his face. We laid there sobbing, unable to say a word. I kept wondering how in the world was I going to explain this to Kailynn. As usual, she took it like a champ. We picked her up from school and took her to get ice cream. It's amazing what ice cream can do for the soul. We explained that I wasn't going to have a baby and she was sad but didn't really ask a lot of questions. Once again, she realized I needed her more that she needed me so she spared me the duty of explaining and accepted the fact it was sad and I really didn't want to talk about it.
I don't want to leave you on a sad note, so I will tell you that I have had two more healthy beautiful children. I am so thankful for the way things turned out. God had a plan for me and again I was blindsided. I've always wanted to know if my baby was a boy or a girl. I felt like I should have been able to know so I could have given him/her a name. I'm not trying to get all political but my baby was a person to me. Poor little thing just couldn't make it. I realize now that I would not have Sara or Tommy had I actually carried my baby full term. How can I possibly wish things had turned out differently? So for the sake of closure, I will name my baby Pat. (boy or girl) Okay, that was completely inappropriate and I am now trying to use humor as a coping mechanism because I literally just stopped sobbing like a baby. I have a sick sense of humor, I know! Sorry if I offended anyone:)
Finally, after months of neglect....here is my next confession.
I confess: I have a love/hate relationship with the past. I've learned so much from my experiences, which I love. But I hate the fact that sometimes a past experience can really hurt your heart. Am I really that much wiser? Only time will tell.
