So it's Valentine's Day! To be honest, I'm not really that girl that gets all sentimental about it. I feel like most people fall into one of these categories on Valentine's Day: hate it, love it, couldn't care less about it. It makes me think about why it is that I'm not a big fan of a day about love.
Love has gotten me into a lot of trouble in my past. I was given the special gift of being able to love those that may not really deserve my love. Most of the time it feels more like a curse than a gift, but as I grow in my faith I realize it really is a gift from God. (Or am I telling myself that so I don't feel like a doormat?) When I was young and in love, it caused me to make poor decisions for myself. I thought that love meant standing by someone and being there for them not matter what. I had to learn very quickly that puppy love is not the same thing as actual love. Then, I had Kailynn. Instantly, I realized what real unconditional love was. Nothing can prepare you for how much you instantly love your child. So you see, she changed the love game for me. As I proceeded in what may have been the most dysfunctional relationship, I did it out of love for her. What a mother can do out of love for a child can be dangerous. I was willing to let someone treat me like trash because I thought it showed how much I loved my daughter. Wow, did you get that? I thought love was letting someone treat me like trash...man, 17 was a rough age. But, wait...the saga continues. So then cupid strikes again and I find someone who really loves me. He loved me so much, that he would break up with me any time he wanted, so he could do whatever he wanted, just to come back a few days later and tell me how much he missed me and Kailynn. And because I am blessed with this gift of stupidity, I mean love, I would always take him back. I had convinced myself that it was LOVE, but it was actually my complete lack of self respect. Not to mention I didn't want Kailynn to feel abandoned, yet again. Seriously, even now, I want to slap myself. Why is it so easy for us to use love as an excuse to do stupid things? It literally took a broken hand to wake me up and realize that I wasn't in a loving relationship, I was in an abusive one. So, yeah, "love" and I didn't really get off to a good start. I used love as an excuse and in turn love crapped on me. I know this sounds really bitter but it was how I felt at the time. I can remember praying that God would make me stronger and a better mother, to take away my weakness and stupidity (as if I had nothing to do with it). I knew I couldn't be a good example for my own daughter if I was going to let "love" dictate my actions. I had never felt humiliation the way I did when I was getting my hand casted and the nurses were counseling me on domestic violence. I remember thinking, "how in the world did it come to this?" After all, I am a strong, independent woman! And so I decided to blame love, not the person who caused me the hurt, but love. In my mind, if I hadn't loved him so much, this would have never happened to me. It was time to be accountable for my own decisions and stop being a victim.
When I met my husband, I had a ton of walls built around me and Kailynn. I was very cautious about getting close to him and trusting him when he said he loved me. You can ask him now and he would tell you that he's still earning my trust. We've been married almost 14 years and I'm still making the poor guy earn my love. I know it exhausts him sometimes and I know that I've definitely softened some of my walls but I can't bring myself to completing surrender because love has left a very deep scar on my heart. Like the Bible says in 1 Corinthians, "love is patient and kind". My husbands love for me is patient and most definitely kind. That my friends, is real love.
I seriously confess:
I've never thought of myself as a feminist or a girl power kind of woman (I seriously despise labels considering I basically had to wear a scarlet letter the entire time I was pregnant and then looked at with disgust because I was a teenage single mom). However, when I write about my past, it ignites such a passion to prevent other women from ever having to feel the way I have. Why in the world is so much of our self worth dictated by what a man thinks? Or anyone, for that matter? Am I the only one that feels this way? The hypocrisy can be overwhelming! Don't worry, I won't be burning any bras in the street. (those suckers are way too expensive) I end this with a reminder to my self and to others who may feel the same way I do at times. God loves you, everything about you, junk included and He always will! That's the kind of love worth fighting for!
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Thursday, January 19, 2017
STOP. COLLABORATE and LISTEN
Have you ever misinterpreted a text? Or sent a text and someone took offense because they read it the wrong way? This makes me crazy. My mom always laughs at me because I respond with one word responses. Apparently, unlike the majority of the world, I HATE TEXTING! I'm a girl of the past. I love picking up the phone and calling people. It seems more personal to me and I feel like it's always more productive that way. Have you ever called someone and left a message then they respond in a text? If I wanted a text, I would have texted you:). My poor daughter. She's a junior in college and I still make her talk to me on the phone. You can hear happiness, sadness, excitement, disappointment, loneliness, if someone is overwhelmed, a plethora of other feelings from someone's voice. I refuse to except that I live in a world where it's okay to text someone how you feel versus saying it to them. I want to hear the sincerity in someone's voice. In a world where we are constantly comparing ourselves to others, and looking at pictures of people and assuming what they are thinking and how they are feeling, do we ever just follow the great advice of Vanilla Ice? Stop, collaborate and listen? Seems pretty simple but, it's harder than you think. Let's break it down.
First, we have to STOP. Stop what? Well, obviously, I'm going to say stop texting constantly! But seriously, stop whatever it is that is taking up so much of your time that you can't even have a conversation with someone. There are a lot of vices out there. Netflix and Amazon can suck hours of your life away and you don't even realize it. Ask me, I can tell you all about it. Seriously though, if you are looking for a good show, ask. I have friends who can barely carry on a conversation because their kids are wreaking havoc in the background. I don't care, at least it's real, and I can offer them words of encouragement. Like, "Enjoy them now, it only get's worse!" or "Wait until they learn sarcasm, that's when the real fun begins!" Kids cry people! Especially if you are on the phone!
Second, COLLABORATE! The definition of collaborate is as follows:
Google search
verb
work jointly on an activity, especially to produce or create something
So let's collaborate and create something! Never underestimate the power of creating a bond with someone. It's okay to spend time with people and getting to know them. The real them. I have "known" people and then in a blink of an eye been completely floored by their actions or something they've said. That's okay! We aren't meant to be perfect robots who never make mistakes or say something stupid. I have literally left a situation before and thought, "what in the world was I thinking?" or "why in the world did I just say that?" And I promise, I really don't know. My intentions were pure in my head, but my words and actions may prove otherwise. This brings me to our third and most important step.
LISTEN! Have you ever been in a conversation where you know the other person isn't listening to a word you are saying? It's so frustrating! Sometimes, we just need to be heard. I think God uses these situations so that I will turn to Him instead. As if he is saying, "you are getting nowhere Rebecca, come to Me instead" (insert Morgan Freeman voice because that's the voice I imagine God having) Listening is not a skill set that comes easy for everyone. So let's be a little more forgiving, can we? We all love to be heard, but isn't it hard to listen? When we really listen to one another, I think we understand each other more. Not everything has to be taken so personally. Sometimes, people are so full of pain that if one person could just listen to them, they would feel better. You can't put your true feelings in a picture or in a text. We need to listen to one another more often and get the facts straight before we make assumptions. You know what happens when we assume, you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me."
Confession:
It is often hard for me to listen because I want to insert my two cents! I am learning that I don't need to have all the answers, it's not my job. Being a good listener requires patience and acceptance. Not everyone is going to handle things the way I would handle it, and that's okay. (is it? Joking!) My point is that I am working on accepting people the way they are and realizing it's not my job to change them, but to love them the way Jesus loves me. I know Jesus scares some people. Proverbs 18:13 says, "spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish."
Your non-texting friend,
Rebecca
Psalms 19:14
First, we have to STOP. Stop what? Well, obviously, I'm going to say stop texting constantly! But seriously, stop whatever it is that is taking up so much of your time that you can't even have a conversation with someone. There are a lot of vices out there. Netflix and Amazon can suck hours of your life away and you don't even realize it. Ask me, I can tell you all about it. Seriously though, if you are looking for a good show, ask. I have friends who can barely carry on a conversation because their kids are wreaking havoc in the background. I don't care, at least it's real, and I can offer them words of encouragement. Like, "Enjoy them now, it only get's worse!" or "Wait until they learn sarcasm, that's when the real fun begins!" Kids cry people! Especially if you are on the phone!
Second, COLLABORATE! The definition of collaborate is as follows:
Google search
verb
work jointly on an activity, especially to produce or create something
So let's collaborate and create something! Never underestimate the power of creating a bond with someone. It's okay to spend time with people and getting to know them. The real them. I have "known" people and then in a blink of an eye been completely floored by their actions or something they've said. That's okay! We aren't meant to be perfect robots who never make mistakes or say something stupid. I have literally left a situation before and thought, "what in the world was I thinking?" or "why in the world did I just say that?" And I promise, I really don't know. My intentions were pure in my head, but my words and actions may prove otherwise. This brings me to our third and most important step.
LISTEN! Have you ever been in a conversation where you know the other person isn't listening to a word you are saying? It's so frustrating! Sometimes, we just need to be heard. I think God uses these situations so that I will turn to Him instead. As if he is saying, "you are getting nowhere Rebecca, come to Me instead" (insert Morgan Freeman voice because that's the voice I imagine God having) Listening is not a skill set that comes easy for everyone. So let's be a little more forgiving, can we? We all love to be heard, but isn't it hard to listen? When we really listen to one another, I think we understand each other more. Not everything has to be taken so personally. Sometimes, people are so full of pain that if one person could just listen to them, they would feel better. You can't put your true feelings in a picture or in a text. We need to listen to one another more often and get the facts straight before we make assumptions. You know what happens when we assume, you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me."
Confession:
It is often hard for me to listen because I want to insert my two cents! I am learning that I don't need to have all the answers, it's not my job. Being a good listener requires patience and acceptance. Not everyone is going to handle things the way I would handle it, and that's okay. (is it? Joking!) My point is that I am working on accepting people the way they are and realizing it's not my job to change them, but to love them the way Jesus loves me. I know Jesus scares some people. Proverbs 18:13 says, "spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish."
Your non-texting friend,
Rebecca
Psalms 19:14
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
New Year, New Me? Maybe, it's still early.
Hello All! I come to you today with an open heart and a need to share some personal insight. I know I'm a little late on the self help, New Years Resolution trend. However, I'm in awe of how much I need to vent my thoughts. When I started Confessions of a Teenage Mother, it was to scream from the mountain tops, "I'm a teenage mother and my daughter is awesome!" But, that's really not what happened. I was humbled by the support and love that showered me. Almost to a point of not wanting to write anymore. People's opinions were flowing in and it was very intimidating. I started worrying more about grammatical errors, and commas, and quotations, and run on sentences (am I doing one now?) and it became harder and harder to be authentic. Which brings me to this:
What does it mean to be authentic? We live in a world of insta-fix. We don't like a picture of ourselves, we filter it. We post everything we do and what our kids eat, drink, say, do. If we don't have kids then we post our pets, in some cases, both! Then we post pictures of ourselves being good parents at every game, school activity, date night, movie, vacation, etc. Don't get me wrong, social media is a great tool. I'm just as guilty as the next person. But why isn't anyone posting a video of their kid refusing to brush their teeth, or my personal favorite, refusing to shower!!! Or a picture of an email the teacher sent saying your kid was misbehaving in school, or the prescription of the anti-depressant you just picked up because you feel like you are hanging on by a thread and don't know how to get out of it? With a post, "feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown and want to drive as far away from here and never come back." Can you imagine posting a picture of the scale with a caption, "yep, gained another 5 pounds and feel miserable, who's with me?"
*sidenote- I just wrote another example that made me laugh out loud but couldn't post it because there might be such a thing as too much honesty!
Anyway, this is all leading me to consider how authentic of a person I am. I'm a true believer that we all learn more from hardships than any success we've gained. Everyone finds comfort in someone else's misery. So why aren't we sharing our miseries? Seriously, I'm asking. I don't have the answer. Is it pride, embarrassment, humiliation? Do we want people to think we are better than what we really are? Mine is most definitely pride. There, I said it. I'm a prideful person. I hate for people to think of me as weak or needy. I hate depending on someone else. I'd starve myself if it meant proving a point that I don't need something. Ok, that's a lie. I love food too much but, you get my point! I am the type of person who's bucket gets filled when someone tells me they are proud of me or I did a good job. I guess that never really goes away. My Mommaw, who you will find that I will reference a lot, God rest her soul, used to tell me that it was important to be just as pretty on the inside as the outside, if not more. So in a society that seriously cares more about appearances, myself included, I find this extremely difficult. How am I ever going to be authentic if I care more about what people see, than what they know is true in my heart?
So here is what I can promise you. I promise to be completely authentic once a week while I continue to write. I wonder if I can do it. Will it help me make a difference in myself and the way I relate to others? My sole purpose is to become someone that I'm proud of. After all, if we can't be proud of ourselves, then who will be? As adults, it's not very often we feel proud, we are too busy comparing ourselves to others, and complaining about what we want, deserve, and are entitled to, instead of enjoying what's right in front of us. My first step is growing in my faith. Let's see what happens. Maybe it will inspire others to be more authentic as well. Hopefully this will be a place that people feel more "normal", whatever that is, and not a place where you have to keep up with society.
MY FIRST AUTHENTIC CONFESSION:
I am on a cleanse and trying to lose 15-20 pounds. This is my third product I'm trying because let's face it... Cleansing and dieting is not for me. I'm mortified at the thought of putting on a bathing suit and hate being naked. For those of you who want to judge me because I'm not as big as you and you'd "give your left leg" to be as "big" as me, well, medium girls have body issues too! My issues aren't any less "real" than yours.
*oh man, I'm afraid I just offended so many people. Yikes!
Five minutes after I wrote this, someone pointed out all my typos. So, I fixed them. Thanks, Mom!
What does it mean to be authentic? We live in a world of insta-fix. We don't like a picture of ourselves, we filter it. We post everything we do and what our kids eat, drink, say, do. If we don't have kids then we post our pets, in some cases, both! Then we post pictures of ourselves being good parents at every game, school activity, date night, movie, vacation, etc. Don't get me wrong, social media is a great tool. I'm just as guilty as the next person. But why isn't anyone posting a video of their kid refusing to brush their teeth, or my personal favorite, refusing to shower!!! Or a picture of an email the teacher sent saying your kid was misbehaving in school, or the prescription of the anti-depressant you just picked up because you feel like you are hanging on by a thread and don't know how to get out of it? With a post, "feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown and want to drive as far away from here and never come back." Can you imagine posting a picture of the scale with a caption, "yep, gained another 5 pounds and feel miserable, who's with me?"
*sidenote- I just wrote another example that made me laugh out loud but couldn't post it because there might be such a thing as too much honesty!
Anyway, this is all leading me to consider how authentic of a person I am. I'm a true believer that we all learn more from hardships than any success we've gained. Everyone finds comfort in someone else's misery. So why aren't we sharing our miseries? Seriously, I'm asking. I don't have the answer. Is it pride, embarrassment, humiliation? Do we want people to think we are better than what we really are? Mine is most definitely pride. There, I said it. I'm a prideful person. I hate for people to think of me as weak or needy. I hate depending on someone else. I'd starve myself if it meant proving a point that I don't need something. Ok, that's a lie. I love food too much but, you get my point! I am the type of person who's bucket gets filled when someone tells me they are proud of me or I did a good job. I guess that never really goes away. My Mommaw, who you will find that I will reference a lot, God rest her soul, used to tell me that it was important to be just as pretty on the inside as the outside, if not more. So in a society that seriously cares more about appearances, myself included, I find this extremely difficult. How am I ever going to be authentic if I care more about what people see, than what they know is true in my heart?
So here is what I can promise you. I promise to be completely authentic once a week while I continue to write. I wonder if I can do it. Will it help me make a difference in myself and the way I relate to others? My sole purpose is to become someone that I'm proud of. After all, if we can't be proud of ourselves, then who will be? As adults, it's not very often we feel proud, we are too busy comparing ourselves to others, and complaining about what we want, deserve, and are entitled to, instead of enjoying what's right in front of us. My first step is growing in my faith. Let's see what happens. Maybe it will inspire others to be more authentic as well. Hopefully this will be a place that people feel more "normal", whatever that is, and not a place where you have to keep up with society.
MY FIRST AUTHENTIC CONFESSION:
I am on a cleanse and trying to lose 15-20 pounds. This is my third product I'm trying because let's face it... Cleansing and dieting is not for me. I'm mortified at the thought of putting on a bathing suit and hate being naked. For those of you who want to judge me because I'm not as big as you and you'd "give your left leg" to be as "big" as me, well, medium girls have body issues too! My issues aren't any less "real" than yours.
*oh man, I'm afraid I just offended so many people. Yikes!
Five minutes after I wrote this, someone pointed out all my typos. So, I fixed them. Thanks, Mom!
Friday, July 25, 2014
Happy 18th Birthday Kailynn!
I feel like such a slacker. My intentions were to have a more completed blog at this point. The truth is, I was putting off writing because the pressure of the truth can be so overwhelming at times. Then I felt like I was jumping all over the place. I have so much more to say to Kailynn and my time with her is slipping away so quickly. So I'm going to try my best to sum it up in this entry. After all, she will be 18 tomorrow and this is one of her gifts!
To my sweet Kailynn,
This is harder than I thought. I would rather say nothing than to admit you are leaving home in a month and the dynamics of our family will forever be changed. I'm overwhelmed with sadness, excitement, nervousness, pride, fear, happiness, and every other emotion you can imagine. I cannot wrap my head around the fact you will be 18 tomorrow. Even though I don't think being 18 makes someone an adult, it does mean that you are turning a page and closing a chapter in your childhood. You are leaving home and living independently for the first time amongst a bunch of strangers for crying out loud! I wish you the best and want you to follow your dreams no matter how crazy they might seem. You are one of the strongest people I know and I am lucky to be your mom. Here is some motherly advice I feel is important moving forward:
1. Choose your friends wisely! Don't waste your time thinking you can change someone or that they will change just to be your friend. Not to sound cynical but, people are naturally selfish. Surround yourself with people who will build you up and be the kind of friend that you expect people to be to you. It's ALWAYS a two way street:)
2. Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT fall in love with the first boy that gives you attention. You have four years of school ahead of you and it should be fun and adventurous. (not too much!)
3. Remember to always respect yourself.
4. Know your limitations
5. Don't forget God is always with you
6. Remember, Daddy and I will always be here for you.
7. Knowledge truly is power even if you don't get paid for it.
8. Don't sweat the small stuff. The past is exactly that, the PAST. Move on! Basically, don't be a victim.
9. I prefer not to be a grandma before 40:)
10. Last but not least….please do not become an all American girl-next-door heroine addict. I saw an Oprah special about good girls gone bad and thought I should at least mention it!
11. Learn to forgive yourself!
In all seriousness, please be true to yourself and know that you have a support system that loves you very much.
I hope this blog has given you some type of insight to my past and you understand that I'm not ashamed anymore. I'm hoping my brutal honesty will make you proud of our journey together. I know it has empowered me in ways I didn't think possible. Putting yourself out there can be very hard at times but, it can also be very rewarding. I know it hasn't been easy for you to read (especially me losing my virginity…ewww!) but I'm glad you did. My true intent was to allow you to see me vulnerable and to let you know I haven't always been perfect:) You will inevitably make mistakes and it's up to you to overcome them. No one can do it for you…not even me!
HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY!!
Love,
Your Mother
My confession:
First of all, I am so thankful to all of the people who have shown interest in my personal diary. I have had over 12,000 hits on this blog! It's funny to run into someone I haven't seen in a long time and they tell me they love my blog. Or the people who I see all the time that ask me when I'm going to write again. I think I've mentioned this before (it's been so long, I'm not sure) but I didn't really expect anyone to read it, let alone comment on it but most of all, connect to it. So many people have connected in different ways. Some to me, some to Kailynn, to Joey, my parents, my in-laws, everyone in a different way. The amount of pressure I began to feel was crazy! I wrote so much in the beginning because I wanted to get it all out. It was like a poison festering inside that I needed sucked out all at once or else it would be left lingering, waiting to surface again at another time. I wanted all the shame and guilt gone, for good. I didn't realize how tight of a grasp my past had on me. It has been beyond liberating to be honest to the point of humility. Then, once all the past was out, I felt the future creeping up on me and I didn't want to face it. I dread moving Kailynn into her dorm. I want a redo with her! After all the purging came regret. Seriously, how could I have been so blind? How did I waste so much time and energy on losers when I had this amazing child in front of me? Bottom line…she deserved better. That is a hard pill to swallow. I know, I know, if I didn't make the choices I had made, then I wouldn't we wouldn't be where we are now. Can't I have both? A redo and the present? The answer is no. So I am left with the reality of my choices, good and bad, and have to find a way to forgive myself. Which is always the biggest challenge of all. I'm adding a #11 to my motherly advice now. I don't want to say this blog is over because I will always be a "teenage mother" but for now, my story is on pause. Thank you so much for being a part of this amazing unfinished story:)
Love,
Rebecca
To my sweet Kailynn,
This is harder than I thought. I would rather say nothing than to admit you are leaving home in a month and the dynamics of our family will forever be changed. I'm overwhelmed with sadness, excitement, nervousness, pride, fear, happiness, and every other emotion you can imagine. I cannot wrap my head around the fact you will be 18 tomorrow. Even though I don't think being 18 makes someone an adult, it does mean that you are turning a page and closing a chapter in your childhood. You are leaving home and living independently for the first time amongst a bunch of strangers for crying out loud! I wish you the best and want you to follow your dreams no matter how crazy they might seem. You are one of the strongest people I know and I am lucky to be your mom. Here is some motherly advice I feel is important moving forward:
1. Choose your friends wisely! Don't waste your time thinking you can change someone or that they will change just to be your friend. Not to sound cynical but, people are naturally selfish. Surround yourself with people who will build you up and be the kind of friend that you expect people to be to you. It's ALWAYS a two way street:)
2. Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT fall in love with the first boy that gives you attention. You have four years of school ahead of you and it should be fun and adventurous. (not too much!)
3. Remember to always respect yourself.
4. Know your limitations
5. Don't forget God is always with you
6. Remember, Daddy and I will always be here for you.
7. Knowledge truly is power even if you don't get paid for it.
8. Don't sweat the small stuff. The past is exactly that, the PAST. Move on! Basically, don't be a victim.
9. I prefer not to be a grandma before 40:)
10. Last but not least….please do not become an all American girl-next-door heroine addict. I saw an Oprah special about good girls gone bad and thought I should at least mention it!
11. Learn to forgive yourself!
In all seriousness, please be true to yourself and know that you have a support system that loves you very much.
I hope this blog has given you some type of insight to my past and you understand that I'm not ashamed anymore. I'm hoping my brutal honesty will make you proud of our journey together. I know it has empowered me in ways I didn't think possible. Putting yourself out there can be very hard at times but, it can also be very rewarding. I know it hasn't been easy for you to read (especially me losing my virginity…ewww!) but I'm glad you did. My true intent was to allow you to see me vulnerable and to let you know I haven't always been perfect:) You will inevitably make mistakes and it's up to you to overcome them. No one can do it for you…not even me!
HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY!!
Love,
Your Mother
My confession:
First of all, I am so thankful to all of the people who have shown interest in my personal diary. I have had over 12,000 hits on this blog! It's funny to run into someone I haven't seen in a long time and they tell me they love my blog. Or the people who I see all the time that ask me when I'm going to write again. I think I've mentioned this before (it's been so long, I'm not sure) but I didn't really expect anyone to read it, let alone comment on it but most of all, connect to it. So many people have connected in different ways. Some to me, some to Kailynn, to Joey, my parents, my in-laws, everyone in a different way. The amount of pressure I began to feel was crazy! I wrote so much in the beginning because I wanted to get it all out. It was like a poison festering inside that I needed sucked out all at once or else it would be left lingering, waiting to surface again at another time. I wanted all the shame and guilt gone, for good. I didn't realize how tight of a grasp my past had on me. It has been beyond liberating to be honest to the point of humility. Then, once all the past was out, I felt the future creeping up on me and I didn't want to face it. I dread moving Kailynn into her dorm. I want a redo with her! After all the purging came regret. Seriously, how could I have been so blind? How did I waste so much time and energy on losers when I had this amazing child in front of me? Bottom line…she deserved better. That is a hard pill to swallow. I know, I know, if I didn't make the choices I had made, then I wouldn't we wouldn't be where we are now. Can't I have both? A redo and the present? The answer is no. So I am left with the reality of my choices, good and bad, and have to find a way to forgive myself. Which is always the biggest challenge of all. I'm adding a #11 to my motherly advice now. I don't want to say this blog is over because I will always be a "teenage mother" but for now, my story is on pause. Thank you so much for being a part of this amazing unfinished story:)
Love,
Rebecca
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Better Late Than Never - Joey guest entry
Rebecca Blog, guest entry
I truly believe that sometimes, things happen for a reason. Right now is one of those times. See, my wife has been on me about guest blogging for her unbelievable blog she has poured her heart and soul into for the past year, and I put it off longer than I should have. Shocker right, that a guy procrastinated and waited til the 11th hour to finish something? No way. Well, thank God I did because I have the angle and the conviction that I needed to do this the right way.
See, the timing was perfect with last weekend being one of our biggest weekends as parents life to date. Our oldest, Kailynn, graduated from High School. And, in the spirit of the blog, I will also use my own names, chosen with reason for those involved in my entries. As any parent that has experienced a graduation can tell you, it’s a stressful time. For a minute there, I thought that we were having the Royal Wedding at our house the way it was being cleaned, prepped and staged for the big Grad party. But, like any big event, when the prep work is done and the hour is upon you, all you can do is sit back and enjoy the ride. Speaking personally, I decided that’s what I was going to do. So, the caterer, who some call our second home, did their part, the house was spotless, the weather was spot on, and the drinks were on ice waiting to be consumed. All we needed were the people to celebrate with. It was in that 11th hour that I realized why we were doing this. Like a wedding, the stress of the event can misdirect the reasons why you’re doing it in the first place. I wasn’t going to let that happen. In that calm before the storm, I had a chance to reflect on what was most important. And that thing was Kailynn. Not just Kailynn, but Kailynn’s unique dynamic in how she and Rebecca shaped the landscape of our family.
For 12 years I have been blessed to be a part of something so incredible that at times, I took it for granted. I took for granted how mature she is, has been and always will be. I took for granted how we lucked out in not having to worry about her making awful decisions with drugs, alocohol, boys or school. I took for granted the time we had together watching punch drunk comedies like Napoleon Dynamite or Zoolander and then quoting them any chance we got. I took for granted the fact that come August, our baby is leaving for school and those times won’t be as readily available. And I took for granted how much I truly love her and her mom for the wonderful women they are and for all that they have overcome in their lives, respectively. This blog, at times, has not been easy for Rebecca or Kailynn to write, read, or relive. So, like many, I asked the question, “Why write it?” I got that answer in that moment right before the party. Like a book, you can’t get to Chapter 2 without reading Chapter 1. I’m not sure what chapter we’re currently in, but I know that the previous chapters have made us all who we are, for better or for worse. And standing here today, I know that our family, Rebecca and Kailynn in particular, are definitely better. They are both strong, independent, loving, loyal and committed women who would give you the shirt off their backs in time of need. They are full of life and full of love to the point where I often (especially as I write this now) feel this overwhelming wave of emotion and pride looking at our family and our life.
We’ve been blessed in many ways over the past 10 years. We’ve been fortunate enough to travel to beautiful places, vacation as a family and live in a wonderful neighborhood surrounded by fantastic, supportive people. But, if you took it all away, I’d still have my family. I’d still have my 2 beautiful daughters, my son, my dog and my loving, beautiful wife. And you know what? That’d be fine by me. If you compare a family to a puzzle, each piece has its own unique edges and curves. It cannot fit into place without the adjacent piece in place as well. Kailynn and Rebecca are two pieces that always seem to be a lynchpin for the puzzle. Their composure, grace and unique style of leadership and support are amazing and yes, I have also taken that for granted. I’m speechless, yes I know that’s a shocker, when I begin to take a stroll down memory lane, but what I didn’t tell you all is that this is only part one of the guest blog entries. But, it had to start somewhere. Part two will not be procrastinated, I promise. I also promise that it will be an entertaining stroll with many laughs and maybe a few tears. And it will all start at Lakota High School when I met the love of my life in between classes during my junior year of high school. To be continued……….
My confession:
There are times in life that are beyond comprehension. The death of a loved one, or an awful life occurrence. It’s tough to understand why or how, but that is simply a road leading you to a destination that you never dreamed of. I confess that Rebecca and I both had those moments in life that we didn’t understand at the time, but led us where we are. We have a great God that simply asks us to have faith in his plan. And although we would have preferred to reach our destination with less pain and strife, we have been blessed to end up where we are.
See, the timing was perfect with last weekend being one of our biggest weekends as parents life to date. Our oldest, Kailynn, graduated from High School. And, in the spirit of the blog, I will also use my own names, chosen with reason for those involved in my entries. As any parent that has experienced a graduation can tell you, it’s a stressful time. For a minute there, I thought that we were having the Royal Wedding at our house the way it was being cleaned, prepped and staged for the big Grad party. But, like any big event, when the prep work is done and the hour is upon you, all you can do is sit back and enjoy the ride. Speaking personally, I decided that’s what I was going to do. So, the caterer, who some call our second home, did their part, the house was spotless, the weather was spot on, and the drinks were on ice waiting to be consumed. All we needed were the people to celebrate with. It was in that 11th hour that I realized why we were doing this. Like a wedding, the stress of the event can misdirect the reasons why you’re doing it in the first place. I wasn’t going to let that happen. In that calm before the storm, I had a chance to reflect on what was most important. And that thing was Kailynn. Not just Kailynn, but Kailynn’s unique dynamic in how she and Rebecca shaped the landscape of our family.
For 12 years I have been blessed to be a part of something so incredible that at times, I took it for granted. I took for granted how mature she is, has been and always will be. I took for granted how we lucked out in not having to worry about her making awful decisions with drugs, alocohol, boys or school. I took for granted the time we had together watching punch drunk comedies like Napoleon Dynamite or Zoolander and then quoting them any chance we got. I took for granted the fact that come August, our baby is leaving for school and those times won’t be as readily available. And I took for granted how much I truly love her and her mom for the wonderful women they are and for all that they have overcome in their lives, respectively. This blog, at times, has not been easy for Rebecca or Kailynn to write, read, or relive. So, like many, I asked the question, “Why write it?” I got that answer in that moment right before the party. Like a book, you can’t get to Chapter 2 without reading Chapter 1. I’m not sure what chapter we’re currently in, but I know that the previous chapters have made us all who we are, for better or for worse. And standing here today, I know that our family, Rebecca and Kailynn in particular, are definitely better. They are both strong, independent, loving, loyal and committed women who would give you the shirt off their backs in time of need. They are full of life and full of love to the point where I often (especially as I write this now) feel this overwhelming wave of emotion and pride looking at our family and our life.
We’ve been blessed in many ways over the past 10 years. We’ve been fortunate enough to travel to beautiful places, vacation as a family and live in a wonderful neighborhood surrounded by fantastic, supportive people. But, if you took it all away, I’d still have my family. I’d still have my 2 beautiful daughters, my son, my dog and my loving, beautiful wife. And you know what? That’d be fine by me. If you compare a family to a puzzle, each piece has its own unique edges and curves. It cannot fit into place without the adjacent piece in place as well. Kailynn and Rebecca are two pieces that always seem to be a lynchpin for the puzzle. Their composure, grace and unique style of leadership and support are amazing and yes, I have also taken that for granted. I’m speechless, yes I know that’s a shocker, when I begin to take a stroll down memory lane, but what I didn’t tell you all is that this is only part one of the guest blog entries. But, it had to start somewhere. Part two will not be procrastinated, I promise. I also promise that it will be an entertaining stroll with many laughs and maybe a few tears. And it will all start at Lakota High School when I met the love of my life in between classes during my junior year of high school. To be continued……….
There are times in life that are beyond comprehension. The death of a loved one, or an awful life occurrence. It’s tough to understand why or how, but that is simply a road leading you to a destination that you never dreamed of. I confess that Rebecca and I both had those moments in life that we didn’t understand at the time, but led us where we are. We have a great God that simply asks us to have faith in his plan. And although we would have preferred to reach our destination with less pain and strife, we have been blessed to end up where we are.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Take that Suckers!
Hello again! I am so excited to write today! I feel like most of this blog has been about unfortunate events and today I am writing about an amazing moment in my life…
After my miscarriage, I got pregnant again right away and had the most beautiful, sweet baby girl. I named her Sara, after my grandma. It was such a different experience being pregnant AND married. Everyone was happy for me and I didn't feel embarrassed or ashamed. Thankfully I had an easy pregnancy and loved every minute of being pregnant. When Sara was born, I was overcome with joy. I would spend my whole day holding her while Joey was at work and Kailynn was at school. I know some people believe that you can hold a baby too much but, I disagree. When Kailynn was 4 weeks old, I was starting my senior year in high school. I missed out on so much of Kailynn being a baby (as most working mothers do) that I knew how precious this time was with Sara and didn't care how much I held her and loved on her. Joey and I had discussed if I would be a stay at home mom before we ever got married. It was part of a questionnaire we did in a book to help prepare us for marriage. I enjoyed working and was used to having "my" money and it was going to be a huge adjustment mentally and financially for me. Again, I was used to being independent and didn't really rely on anyone. The best decision I ever made was to quit my job and stay at home. Don't get me wrong, it definitely took a toll on us. We had to learn to survive with one income and two children. I'm still not sure how we got through it:) It was Sara's first birthday when I discovered that I was going to have another baby. Kailynn was loving being a big sister but when I told her we were going to have another baby, her response was, "is this some kind of sick joke?" She was 9 1/2 years old. But then again, when she was 6 she said something else that took me by surprise. Joey and I were just about married and he told her if she wanted to call him daddy, he would be okay with it. She looked him square in the eye and told him she thought it would be best to wait until we were married. You can imagine the expression on our faces. It was as if she was telling him, "hold your horses buddy, I'm not yours…yet."
Anyway, once we were married she started calling him daddy. I don't even remember the first time. Maybe because it seemed so natural. So once I was expecting again, Joey really got serious about adopting Kailynn. He felt it was unfair to Kailynn that we all have the same last name except for her. So we did some research and decided it would be best to get an attorney. We didn't really have the money but it was something that was well worth the sacrifice. I'm still shocked at the whole process and how out dated it is. You literally have to put an "ad" in the paper stating your child is "up for adoption" in the event anyone and their brother wants to contest it. Blah, still makes me a little sick. Not that I think it should be done secretively, but couldn't we just notify Stan privately? We had to send certified letters and our attorney did all the proper paperwork. On the day of our hearing, I thought I was going to through up in the parking lot. Joey had to have three letters of recommendation by non family members and prove why he wanted to be Kailynn's dad. It seemed so obvious to me why he should be her legal father and so silly to stand before a judge and state our case. But, it's the law. We entered the courtroom. I nervously scanned the room, NO STAN, shwewww! The judge came out and asked our attorney to state our case. She began explaining that the "biological father" has had zero contact with "the child" since she was 18 months old. Honestly, I'd rather not share all the details. Bottom line, Kailynn had to sit there and listen to how she was abandoned by her own father. It made me sick. I was so excited to have things legally changed that it never occurred to me what she would have to sit and listen to. Why couldn't she wait in the hallway? Was it really necessary for her to hear all this? Needless to say, there wasn't a dry eye on our side. Our family had come to support us and it was very emotional for us all. We left there that day with a smile that could light up the sky. The judge agreed that Joey had every right to legally adopt Kailynn and commended him on his efforts thus far. He then presented Kailynn with a special American flag pendant. Joey and Kailynn got their picture with the judge and then we did what any normal family does. Had a huge party! It was so amazing to see all the love and support we had. Joey stepped up to the plate big time and even though we didn't need a paper to tell us he was her "real" dad. It's nice to know he wanted to go the extra mile to make sure Kailynn had his name on her birth certificate.
It's funny because we live our lives everyday without thinking of those important moments. That's what I love about this blog! It forces me not only to talk about the past, good and bad, but to remember it. Reminds me of how proud I am of Joey for being a man that not everyone can be. It's moments like this that I can't for the life of me imagine my life without him. He would say that he did what anybody would do. But the reality is that there a lot of people who wouldn't go that extra step. He may have the most thoughtful soul of anyone I know. Kailynn, I know you didn't ask for any of this, but I hope you realize how blessed you are to have daddy. I pray that one day (not anytime soon) you find a man that loves you half as much as he does.
And so I leave you today with this confession:
I'm happy Joey adopted Kailynn for my own selfish reasons. When I think of the 16 year old girl sitting with Stan and Mrs. Stan at their kitchen table, I smile because I feel like justice had been served. I feel such an urge to stand up and shout, "take that suckers!"
After my miscarriage, I got pregnant again right away and had the most beautiful, sweet baby girl. I named her Sara, after my grandma. It was such a different experience being pregnant AND married. Everyone was happy for me and I didn't feel embarrassed or ashamed. Thankfully I had an easy pregnancy and loved every minute of being pregnant. When Sara was born, I was overcome with joy. I would spend my whole day holding her while Joey was at work and Kailynn was at school. I know some people believe that you can hold a baby too much but, I disagree. When Kailynn was 4 weeks old, I was starting my senior year in high school. I missed out on so much of Kailynn being a baby (as most working mothers do) that I knew how precious this time was with Sara and didn't care how much I held her and loved on her. Joey and I had discussed if I would be a stay at home mom before we ever got married. It was part of a questionnaire we did in a book to help prepare us for marriage. I enjoyed working and was used to having "my" money and it was going to be a huge adjustment mentally and financially for me. Again, I was used to being independent and didn't really rely on anyone. The best decision I ever made was to quit my job and stay at home. Don't get me wrong, it definitely took a toll on us. We had to learn to survive with one income and two children. I'm still not sure how we got through it:) It was Sara's first birthday when I discovered that I was going to have another baby. Kailynn was loving being a big sister but when I told her we were going to have another baby, her response was, "is this some kind of sick joke?" She was 9 1/2 years old. But then again, when she was 6 she said something else that took me by surprise. Joey and I were just about married and he told her if she wanted to call him daddy, he would be okay with it. She looked him square in the eye and told him she thought it would be best to wait until we were married. You can imagine the expression on our faces. It was as if she was telling him, "hold your horses buddy, I'm not yours…yet."
Anyway, once we were married she started calling him daddy. I don't even remember the first time. Maybe because it seemed so natural. So once I was expecting again, Joey really got serious about adopting Kailynn. He felt it was unfair to Kailynn that we all have the same last name except for her. So we did some research and decided it would be best to get an attorney. We didn't really have the money but it was something that was well worth the sacrifice. I'm still shocked at the whole process and how out dated it is. You literally have to put an "ad" in the paper stating your child is "up for adoption" in the event anyone and their brother wants to contest it. Blah, still makes me a little sick. Not that I think it should be done secretively, but couldn't we just notify Stan privately? We had to send certified letters and our attorney did all the proper paperwork. On the day of our hearing, I thought I was going to through up in the parking lot. Joey had to have three letters of recommendation by non family members and prove why he wanted to be Kailynn's dad. It seemed so obvious to me why he should be her legal father and so silly to stand before a judge and state our case. But, it's the law. We entered the courtroom. I nervously scanned the room, NO STAN, shwewww! The judge came out and asked our attorney to state our case. She began explaining that the "biological father" has had zero contact with "the child" since she was 18 months old. Honestly, I'd rather not share all the details. Bottom line, Kailynn had to sit there and listen to how she was abandoned by her own father. It made me sick. I was so excited to have things legally changed that it never occurred to me what she would have to sit and listen to. Why couldn't she wait in the hallway? Was it really necessary for her to hear all this? Needless to say, there wasn't a dry eye on our side. Our family had come to support us and it was very emotional for us all. We left there that day with a smile that could light up the sky. The judge agreed that Joey had every right to legally adopt Kailynn and commended him on his efforts thus far. He then presented Kailynn with a special American flag pendant. Joey and Kailynn got their picture with the judge and then we did what any normal family does. Had a huge party! It was so amazing to see all the love and support we had. Joey stepped up to the plate big time and even though we didn't need a paper to tell us he was her "real" dad. It's nice to know he wanted to go the extra mile to make sure Kailynn had his name on her birth certificate.
It's funny because we live our lives everyday without thinking of those important moments. That's what I love about this blog! It forces me not only to talk about the past, good and bad, but to remember it. Reminds me of how proud I am of Joey for being a man that not everyone can be. It's moments like this that I can't for the life of me imagine my life without him. He would say that he did what anybody would do. But the reality is that there a lot of people who wouldn't go that extra step. He may have the most thoughtful soul of anyone I know. Kailynn, I know you didn't ask for any of this, but I hope you realize how blessed you are to have daddy. I pray that one day (not anytime soon) you find a man that loves you half as much as he does.
And so I leave you today with this confession:
I'm happy Joey adopted Kailynn for my own selfish reasons. When I think of the 16 year old girl sitting with Stan and Mrs. Stan at their kitchen table, I smile because I feel like justice had been served. I feel such an urge to stand up and shout, "take that suckers!"
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Long time, no write
Good morning! Yes, I have taken quite a long time to blog and I apologize to those who actually enjoy reading Confessions of a Teenage Mother. I could list a million different excuses why I haven't written but, it doesn't really matter. Today I am here and ready to share and that's what is most important. I just read my last post to remind myself where I left off and I am still smiling ear to ear:)
In the last few months I have been completely inundated with the whole college process. I can honestly say that I've been obsessed. (I'm sure Kailynn is agreeing as she is reading this) There for a while I was spending my days researching every school under the sun that I thought she might like, what programs they had, the safety of the campus, the cost, I even looked at several of their calendars so I would have some idea of when she would be leaving, come home, leave again. It seriously was ridiculous. What in the world was all this information doing for me? It certainly wasn't comforting. Anyway, I am jumping ahead. Let me pick up where I last left off...
So Joey and I got engaged and it was amazing. It's funny how some people can genuinely be happy for you and then others can genuinely NOT be happy for you. Jealousy is an ugly thing, isn't it? I'm not saying that I've never been jealous of anyone, I think we all have. But it is strange when you have been through so much at a young age and then you realize that some people truly will never be happy for you. I still felt myself seeking approval and wanting people to pat me on the back and say "good job, Rebecca! You've beaten the odds" or "I knew you'd overcome your past". Or most importantly, "you deserve to be happy with Joey after all you've been through." The reality is, I'm not sure that it mattered what anyone else said. I still felt unworthy. It was a ME problem, not a them problem. I have to remind myself that I was barely 22 years old. Even though I had been through more than the average girl my age, I still had a whole life ahead of me. I really thought I knew it all. Isnt' that normal though? Don't we all think we know it all when we are in the moment? Then a few years (or 10+) go by and we look back and realize we were so young, immature, and clueless! I'm not ashamed to admit that. But oh how I would love a time machine. I would love to get back the time I spent worrying about what others thought:)
Joey and I were engaged July 6, 2002 and married June 14, 2003. It was a hectic 11 months but it all turned out beautifully. During the ceremony, Joey took a minute to give Kailynn a little diamond necklace we had bought for her. It had three tiny diamonds clustered together and it was to signify the three of us becoming a family. I'm not sure there was a dry eye in the church. I can remember standing there looking down at her and wondering if she really understood the meaning of all that was going on. She was almost 7 but stood there as if she were 16. She looked absolutely beautiful! One of my favorite pictures from my wedding day is of the three of us walking down the isle hand in hand. It really wasn't a day about me, the bride, it was a day for Kailynn. She was finally getting what everyone else had...a set of parents. I have often told the story of when Joey and I were engaged and he told her one day that if she wanted to call him "dad" that he would be okay with it. She looked him square in the eyes and told him that she wanted to wait until we were married. It still makes me laugh. It was as if she wanted to remind him that she wasn't his...yet. And again, her maturity and ability to not get swept away in the bliss was amazing to me. Kind of like, "hold your horses buddy" kind of attitude. She truly is one of a kind. I wish I remembered the first time she actually did call him "daddy".
After all the hype died down, we decided were ready to expand our family. I didn't want to wait too long because Kailynn was already 7 and I wanted her to be close in age to her siblings. I knew I would get pregnant right away because I hadn't "tried" before and look how that turned out:) To my surprise it took a few months. I was beyond excited. To be pregnant and be proud of it was a feeling that I had never experienced before. I tried my best to keep quiet until the 12 week safe zone before I told anyone. I was busting at the seams (figuratively, not physically) and wanted to shout it from the rooftop! I'm having a baby!!! Of course we told our close family and friends right away but, after a few weeks, I told Kailynn. Then, after 10 weeks I told my work. I had already looked on the Chinese calendar and tried to see if I was going to have a boy or a girl. It was so premature but my excitement was unbearable. I love babies and would have had a lot more if they stayed newborn longer. At 11 weeks, to the day, I woke up and felt cramping. I called the doctor and they said it was normal and to stay off my feet and try to rest. It sent panic straight through me. As the day progressed it only worsened and I just knew something was wrong. I eventually ended up at the hospital where I had an emergency DNC and had to face the realization that I had a miscarriage. Words can not explain the pain I felt in my heart. WHY??? Why would I have a miscarriage WHY NOW??? I am married to an amazing man. I WANTED to be pregnant! I "TRIED" for crying out loud. Was this some kind of sick joke that God was playing on me? I can't speak for everyone who has ever had a miscarriage but, for me, I totally blamed myself. I must of done something, ate something, drank something. What did I do? I was absolutely devastated. I remember coming home from the hospital and laying in my bed. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. Joey came into the room and laid next to me. I could see the hurt on his face. We laid there sobbing, unable to say a word. I kept wondering how in the world was I going to explain this to Kailynn. As usual, she took it like a champ. We picked her up from school and took her to get ice cream. It's amazing what ice cream can do for the soul. We explained that I wasn't going to have a baby and she was sad but didn't really ask a lot of questions. Once again, she realized I needed her more that she needed me so she spared me the duty of explaining and accepted the fact it was sad and I really didn't want to talk about it.
I don't want to leave you on a sad note, so I will tell you that I have had two more healthy beautiful children. I am so thankful for the way things turned out. God had a plan for me and again I was blindsided. I've always wanted to know if my baby was a boy or a girl. I felt like I should have been able to know so I could have given him/her a name. I'm not trying to get all political but my baby was a person to me. Poor little thing just couldn't make it. I realize now that I would not have Sara or Tommy had I actually carried my baby full term. How can I possibly wish things had turned out differently? So for the sake of closure, I will name my baby Pat. (boy or girl) Okay, that was completely inappropriate and I am now trying to use humor as a coping mechanism because I literally just stopped sobbing like a baby. I have a sick sense of humor, I know! Sorry if I offended anyone:)
Finally, after months of neglect....here is my next confession.
I confess: I have a love/hate relationship with the past. I've learned so much from my experiences, which I love. But I hate the fact that sometimes a past experience can really hurt your heart. Am I really that much wiser? Only time will tell.
In the last few months I have been completely inundated with the whole college process. I can honestly say that I've been obsessed. (I'm sure Kailynn is agreeing as she is reading this) There for a while I was spending my days researching every school under the sun that I thought she might like, what programs they had, the safety of the campus, the cost, I even looked at several of their calendars so I would have some idea of when she would be leaving, come home, leave again. It seriously was ridiculous. What in the world was all this information doing for me? It certainly wasn't comforting. Anyway, I am jumping ahead. Let me pick up where I last left off...
So Joey and I got engaged and it was amazing. It's funny how some people can genuinely be happy for you and then others can genuinely NOT be happy for you. Jealousy is an ugly thing, isn't it? I'm not saying that I've never been jealous of anyone, I think we all have. But it is strange when you have been through so much at a young age and then you realize that some people truly will never be happy for you. I still felt myself seeking approval and wanting people to pat me on the back and say "good job, Rebecca! You've beaten the odds" or "I knew you'd overcome your past". Or most importantly, "you deserve to be happy with Joey after all you've been through." The reality is, I'm not sure that it mattered what anyone else said. I still felt unworthy. It was a ME problem, not a them problem. I have to remind myself that I was barely 22 years old. Even though I had been through more than the average girl my age, I still had a whole life ahead of me. I really thought I knew it all. Isnt' that normal though? Don't we all think we know it all when we are in the moment? Then a few years (or 10+) go by and we look back and realize we were so young, immature, and clueless! I'm not ashamed to admit that. But oh how I would love a time machine. I would love to get back the time I spent worrying about what others thought:)
Joey and I were engaged July 6, 2002 and married June 14, 2003. It was a hectic 11 months but it all turned out beautifully. During the ceremony, Joey took a minute to give Kailynn a little diamond necklace we had bought for her. It had three tiny diamonds clustered together and it was to signify the three of us becoming a family. I'm not sure there was a dry eye in the church. I can remember standing there looking down at her and wondering if she really understood the meaning of all that was going on. She was almost 7 but stood there as if she were 16. She looked absolutely beautiful! One of my favorite pictures from my wedding day is of the three of us walking down the isle hand in hand. It really wasn't a day about me, the bride, it was a day for Kailynn. She was finally getting what everyone else had...a set of parents. I have often told the story of when Joey and I were engaged and he told her one day that if she wanted to call him "dad" that he would be okay with it. She looked him square in the eyes and told him that she wanted to wait until we were married. It still makes me laugh. It was as if she wanted to remind him that she wasn't his...yet. And again, her maturity and ability to not get swept away in the bliss was amazing to me. Kind of like, "hold your horses buddy" kind of attitude. She truly is one of a kind. I wish I remembered the first time she actually did call him "daddy".
After all the hype died down, we decided were ready to expand our family. I didn't want to wait too long because Kailynn was already 7 and I wanted her to be close in age to her siblings. I knew I would get pregnant right away because I hadn't "tried" before and look how that turned out:) To my surprise it took a few months. I was beyond excited. To be pregnant and be proud of it was a feeling that I had never experienced before. I tried my best to keep quiet until the 12 week safe zone before I told anyone. I was busting at the seams (figuratively, not physically) and wanted to shout it from the rooftop! I'm having a baby!!! Of course we told our close family and friends right away but, after a few weeks, I told Kailynn. Then, after 10 weeks I told my work. I had already looked on the Chinese calendar and tried to see if I was going to have a boy or a girl. It was so premature but my excitement was unbearable. I love babies and would have had a lot more if they stayed newborn longer. At 11 weeks, to the day, I woke up and felt cramping. I called the doctor and they said it was normal and to stay off my feet and try to rest. It sent panic straight through me. As the day progressed it only worsened and I just knew something was wrong. I eventually ended up at the hospital where I had an emergency DNC and had to face the realization that I had a miscarriage. Words can not explain the pain I felt in my heart. WHY??? Why would I have a miscarriage WHY NOW??? I am married to an amazing man. I WANTED to be pregnant! I "TRIED" for crying out loud. Was this some kind of sick joke that God was playing on me? I can't speak for everyone who has ever had a miscarriage but, for me, I totally blamed myself. I must of done something, ate something, drank something. What did I do? I was absolutely devastated. I remember coming home from the hospital and laying in my bed. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. Joey came into the room and laid next to me. I could see the hurt on his face. We laid there sobbing, unable to say a word. I kept wondering how in the world was I going to explain this to Kailynn. As usual, she took it like a champ. We picked her up from school and took her to get ice cream. It's amazing what ice cream can do for the soul. We explained that I wasn't going to have a baby and she was sad but didn't really ask a lot of questions. Once again, she realized I needed her more that she needed me so she spared me the duty of explaining and accepted the fact it was sad and I really didn't want to talk about it.
I don't want to leave you on a sad note, so I will tell you that I have had two more healthy beautiful children. I am so thankful for the way things turned out. God had a plan for me and again I was blindsided. I've always wanted to know if my baby was a boy or a girl. I felt like I should have been able to know so I could have given him/her a name. I'm not trying to get all political but my baby was a person to me. Poor little thing just couldn't make it. I realize now that I would not have Sara or Tommy had I actually carried my baby full term. How can I possibly wish things had turned out differently? So for the sake of closure, I will name my baby Pat. (boy or girl) Okay, that was completely inappropriate and I am now trying to use humor as a coping mechanism because I literally just stopped sobbing like a baby. I have a sick sense of humor, I know! Sorry if I offended anyone:)
Finally, after months of neglect....here is my next confession.
I confess: I have a love/hate relationship with the past. I've learned so much from my experiences, which I love. But I hate the fact that sometimes a past experience can really hurt your heart. Am I really that much wiser? Only time will tell.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Sail Away
I'm so sorry it has taken me so long to write. I absolutely love telling my story but it can take me a while to finish and I need a block of uninterrupted time. I wish my job was writing. During the day is the only time I am alone and the day flies by when I have a million other things I should be doing! So today I am happy to be sharing my truth to be told, once again:)
Have a mentioned that I HATE surprises? Well, I do. I am very much a detective at heart and really can't help but pry when things don't seem to add up. I am not an easy person to surprise because my sixth sense usually perks up and I know something is coming. With that being said, Joey pulled off the biggest surprise of my life. Bigger than the fact I was pregnant at 16. Let's face it, it doesn't take a detective to figure out what happens if you have unprotected sex.
Joey and I had been dating for about 7 months and we were finding our routine of living together. I went to work one Saturday morning and everything seemed normal when I left. I hated working Saturdays and dreaded leaving in the morning when Joey and Kailynn were going to spend the whole day together without me. It was nearing the end of my workday when I received a call from Joey. He informed me that Kailynn had swimmers ear and was in a lot of pain. I told him to give her some Advil and take it easy until I got home. I was instantly annoyed that I was at work and couldn't take care of her. I began telling my boss that Kailynn wasn't feeling well and that it would be nice if I could leave a little early if we weren't too busy. Things were really slow and about 30 minutes before close, she told me to go ahead and leave. I called Joey to let him know I was on my way home, and he asked me to stop at the store first to get Kailynn orange juice. Honestly, had I not been so concerned with her well being, I would have realized what a weird request this was. Orange juice? How was that going to help her ear?? I told him that I wanted to get home and would go to the store later in case I needed to get any other medicine or items for her. I grabbed my keys and headed home. I worked about 20 minutes away and had no idea what I was about to walk into. As I was getting closer, I hear someone honk their horn and realize that my sister-in-law was passing me. We waved and I drove on. I pull into my parking space and a neighbor stops me and asks me a few questions. I'm not in any mood to socialize, so I tell her Kailynn isn't feeling well and I needed to check on her, we'll talk later. I walk into the front door and I'm baffled. What the heck is going on???
There are roses EVERYWHERE. On the table, in the kitchen, on the TV stand, even rose petals on the floor. Candles are lit and my favorite David Gray song, Sail Away, is playing on the CD player. Then I notice next to the flowers on the table there is a card. Where the heck are Joey and Kailynn? I open the envelope and take out the card. It has a picture of two fish bowls, one with a fish in it, the other with a fish jumping out of his bowl and into the other. I open the card and it says, "We belong together". Um okay, still no clue what's happening. Some detective, right? Joey wrote, "I love you" and "follow the rose petals." I follow them into the living room where there were petals spelling the words, "Love never fails". Then I continue following them up the stair case and into our bedroom. I enter all the way through the doorway and he is standing at the foot of our bed all dressed up. I quickly scan the room and notice there are candles everywhere and my favorite black dress hanging in the bathroom doorway. Then it hits me! OH MY GOSH, he's proposing! How did I not see this coming? When did he plan this? More importantly, HOW did he plan this? He sees the shock on my face and smiles. "What are you doing?" I asked. What was I suppose to say? I was in shock. He gets down on one knee and begins reading something he had written on the back of an envelope from his work stationary. I honestly couldn't understand a word he was saying. I didn't know if I was going to cry or throw up! Was this really happening? Seriously, how did I not see this? Here is what he was actually saying:
There's a million different ways to tell you how I feel--
of the love that we have, so true and so real
You have changed my life, and all I want to be,
You've shown me what love is, and now I'm down on bended knee.
From the minute that I saw you,
I knew that you were the one
You make me so strong I am weak
So happy I am numb.
I don't know how you do it,
but you always find a way
You know exactly how to touch
Exactly what to say.
So to you I say this
From the bottom of my heart
Today until forever, our journey will start.
A journey as a family
the three of us strong
One journey so perfect,
It could never lead us wrong.
I take your hand today
and offer you this ring
To help create the story
Of the princess, queen and king.
I love you more than life
more than you will ever know.
My love will never end
Forever to you I'll show.
I only have one more thing to say,
I think you know what that might be-
Rebecca Lynn Pingley,
I want you to be my wife
Will you marry me?
I really only heard the last line to be honest. I stood there with my hands over my mouth and realized that he had asked me question. I grabbed his hand and pulled him into my arms. Of course I'll marry you! After a poem like that, what was I going to say:) No, seriously, it was the most amazing feeling I'd ever had. No one had ever made me feel as special as he did and he went out of his way to make sure I knew how special I was to him. I was the luckiest girl in the world and I knew it. So, where's Kailynn? How's her ear??? Silly me, it was all made up! He had asked my friends mom to keep her for the night and had dropped her off earlier that day. He was trying to stall me by asking me to get Orange juice because I told him I was leaving early and he still had a million candles to light. When I passed his sister, she had just left because she was helping him set the whole thing up. The neighbor was trying to talk to me to buy him a few more minutes. Thankfully, it all worked out. Oh, and the purpose of the black dress? He made dinner reservations at Tellers, where we had our first date. He had a bottle of champagne on ice in the bathroom sink. We popped it open and called all our family and friends to celebrate the good news. I changed into my dress and we headed to Tellers where we were greeted by a very excited hostess. When Joey made the reservation, he informed them he was going to propose and asked if we could have the exact table where we sat only 7 months ago. She takes us to our table and the manager greets us with a bottle of champagne. Yes! I am a huge fan of champagne. As we are sitting there, Joey tells me that we were supposed to be sitting at the exact table we had our first date and he was a little disappointed because they misunderstood and put us at the table one over from where we had originally sat. And like something out of a movie, I reminded him of who was sitting at the exact table we were now sitting at. It was the little old couple holding hands across the table sharing a bottle of wine. This table was perfect and it was meant for us to sit there! He smiled at me and knew I was right. It was destiny. I loved him so much my heart could explode. I couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with this man.
I know what you are thinking. I made this whole thing up! I seriously am not. Even as I write about it, I am shocked at how awesome my proposal was. I still love Joey so much that my heart could explode, but it's a different more mature love. It's a very respectable love, the kind of love that lasts. But, I have had the best time today revisiting that night and thinking about how amazing it was. He was my prince charming that I had always dreamed of and it's good for me to remember that from time to time. I most certainly don't go around telling him enough! Joey and I are not perfect and by no means do I think we are poster children for marriage. We fight all time over stupid things, not so stupid things, things that matter, mostly over things that don't matter. (Who does more around the house) But at the end of the day, we are honest. We don't want to live our lives without the other. We know we are lucky to have each other and we believe it was God's plan that we be together. It's okay if we aren't perfect, no one is. So let me be completely honest with you now.
I confess:
I would never be the person I am now without Joey Clark and I am proud to admit it.
You are my best friend Clarky! I love you.
Have a mentioned that I HATE surprises? Well, I do. I am very much a detective at heart and really can't help but pry when things don't seem to add up. I am not an easy person to surprise because my sixth sense usually perks up and I know something is coming. With that being said, Joey pulled off the biggest surprise of my life. Bigger than the fact I was pregnant at 16. Let's face it, it doesn't take a detective to figure out what happens if you have unprotected sex.
Joey and I had been dating for about 7 months and we were finding our routine of living together. I went to work one Saturday morning and everything seemed normal when I left. I hated working Saturdays and dreaded leaving in the morning when Joey and Kailynn were going to spend the whole day together without me. It was nearing the end of my workday when I received a call from Joey. He informed me that Kailynn had swimmers ear and was in a lot of pain. I told him to give her some Advil and take it easy until I got home. I was instantly annoyed that I was at work and couldn't take care of her. I began telling my boss that Kailynn wasn't feeling well and that it would be nice if I could leave a little early if we weren't too busy. Things were really slow and about 30 minutes before close, she told me to go ahead and leave. I called Joey to let him know I was on my way home, and he asked me to stop at the store first to get Kailynn orange juice. Honestly, had I not been so concerned with her well being, I would have realized what a weird request this was. Orange juice? How was that going to help her ear?? I told him that I wanted to get home and would go to the store later in case I needed to get any other medicine or items for her. I grabbed my keys and headed home. I worked about 20 minutes away and had no idea what I was about to walk into. As I was getting closer, I hear someone honk their horn and realize that my sister-in-law was passing me. We waved and I drove on. I pull into my parking space and a neighbor stops me and asks me a few questions. I'm not in any mood to socialize, so I tell her Kailynn isn't feeling well and I needed to check on her, we'll talk later. I walk into the front door and I'm baffled. What the heck is going on???
There are roses EVERYWHERE. On the table, in the kitchen, on the TV stand, even rose petals on the floor. Candles are lit and my favorite David Gray song, Sail Away, is playing on the CD player. Then I notice next to the flowers on the table there is a card. Where the heck are Joey and Kailynn? I open the envelope and take out the card. It has a picture of two fish bowls, one with a fish in it, the other with a fish jumping out of his bowl and into the other. I open the card and it says, "We belong together". Um okay, still no clue what's happening. Some detective, right? Joey wrote, "I love you" and "follow the rose petals." I follow them into the living room where there were petals spelling the words, "Love never fails". Then I continue following them up the stair case and into our bedroom. I enter all the way through the doorway and he is standing at the foot of our bed all dressed up. I quickly scan the room and notice there are candles everywhere and my favorite black dress hanging in the bathroom doorway. Then it hits me! OH MY GOSH, he's proposing! How did I not see this coming? When did he plan this? More importantly, HOW did he plan this? He sees the shock on my face and smiles. "What are you doing?" I asked. What was I suppose to say? I was in shock. He gets down on one knee and begins reading something he had written on the back of an envelope from his work stationary. I honestly couldn't understand a word he was saying. I didn't know if I was going to cry or throw up! Was this really happening? Seriously, how did I not see this? Here is what he was actually saying:
There's a million different ways to tell you how I feel--
of the love that we have, so true and so real
You have changed my life, and all I want to be,
You've shown me what love is, and now I'm down on bended knee.
From the minute that I saw you,
I knew that you were the one
You make me so strong I am weak
So happy I am numb.
I don't know how you do it,
but you always find a way
You know exactly how to touch
Exactly what to say.
So to you I say this
From the bottom of my heart
Today until forever, our journey will start.
A journey as a family
the three of us strong
One journey so perfect,
It could never lead us wrong.
I take your hand today
and offer you this ring
To help create the story
Of the princess, queen and king.
I love you more than life
more than you will ever know.
My love will never end
Forever to you I'll show.
I only have one more thing to say,
I think you know what that might be-
Rebecca Lynn Pingley,
I want you to be my wife
Will you marry me?
I really only heard the last line to be honest. I stood there with my hands over my mouth and realized that he had asked me question. I grabbed his hand and pulled him into my arms. Of course I'll marry you! After a poem like that, what was I going to say:) No, seriously, it was the most amazing feeling I'd ever had. No one had ever made me feel as special as he did and he went out of his way to make sure I knew how special I was to him. I was the luckiest girl in the world and I knew it. So, where's Kailynn? How's her ear??? Silly me, it was all made up! He had asked my friends mom to keep her for the night and had dropped her off earlier that day. He was trying to stall me by asking me to get Orange juice because I told him I was leaving early and he still had a million candles to light. When I passed his sister, she had just left because she was helping him set the whole thing up. The neighbor was trying to talk to me to buy him a few more minutes. Thankfully, it all worked out. Oh, and the purpose of the black dress? He made dinner reservations at Tellers, where we had our first date. He had a bottle of champagne on ice in the bathroom sink. We popped it open and called all our family and friends to celebrate the good news. I changed into my dress and we headed to Tellers where we were greeted by a very excited hostess. When Joey made the reservation, he informed them he was going to propose and asked if we could have the exact table where we sat only 7 months ago. She takes us to our table and the manager greets us with a bottle of champagne. Yes! I am a huge fan of champagne. As we are sitting there, Joey tells me that we were supposed to be sitting at the exact table we had our first date and he was a little disappointed because they misunderstood and put us at the table one over from where we had originally sat. And like something out of a movie, I reminded him of who was sitting at the exact table we were now sitting at. It was the little old couple holding hands across the table sharing a bottle of wine. This table was perfect and it was meant for us to sit there! He smiled at me and knew I was right. It was destiny. I loved him so much my heart could explode. I couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with this man.
I know what you are thinking. I made this whole thing up! I seriously am not. Even as I write about it, I am shocked at how awesome my proposal was. I still love Joey so much that my heart could explode, but it's a different more mature love. It's a very respectable love, the kind of love that lasts. But, I have had the best time today revisiting that night and thinking about how amazing it was. He was my prince charming that I had always dreamed of and it's good for me to remember that from time to time. I most certainly don't go around telling him enough! Joey and I are not perfect and by no means do I think we are poster children for marriage. We fight all time over stupid things, not so stupid things, things that matter, mostly over things that don't matter. (Who does more around the house) But at the end of the day, we are honest. We don't want to live our lives without the other. We know we are lucky to have each other and we believe it was God's plan that we be together. It's okay if we aren't perfect, no one is. So let me be completely honest with you now.
I confess:
I would never be the person I am now without Joey Clark and I am proud to admit it.
You are my best friend Clarky! I love you.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
The Big Move
So...today is interesting because I have so much on my mind about what I want to write versus what I should write. Everyone tells me that honesty is the best policy but, sometimes the truth hurts.
Anyway...
Joey returned home from Florida and we began to officially "date". I wanted to keep Kailynn from meeting him in the event things didn't work out. Being a single mom was making this very difficult. After a few weeks I finally realized it was going to be impossible to keep them apart. I couldn't keep getting a babysitter every time we wanted to hang out. He was fine just hanging out at my apartment with the two of us but I was trying my best to keep Kailynn from seeing me in another relationship. Jack had taken a toll on both of us. My work was having a family roller skating get together and I figured this would be the best environment for them to meet. There was going to be lots of other people around and it would take some of the pressure off. Joey was super excited! I told Kailynn that we would be bringing a "friend" with us to the party. For all she knew, it was a girl. I was trying to give the least amount of information possible. She was only five, how much detail did she need? We get to the roller rink and I decide I'm not going to skate because I had recently injured my back. So Joey straps on his skates and off they went. I stood there watching them hold hands and going around in circles. Kailynn would fall and Joey would pick her right back up. She wasn't shy at all! He brings her over to me and she says she needs to use the restroom. The two of us go into the bathroom and while she's in the stall I ask her if she likes Joey. She says, "I kissed that boy!" What?! She explained that she fell and when he picked her up she kissed him on the cheek. Maybe them meeting wasn't a good idea after all. We go into the game room and he begins playing every game he can to win her prizes. She spots a ring in a machine and he spent $10 trying to get the exact ring she wanted. It was absolutely adorable! My heart melted at the sight of him with her. They became instant best buddies. Joey started volunteering to help out by picking her up from daycare so we could meet after I got off work. He took her to the grocery store one time and seriously bought her everything she wanted from the checkout lane! I had to sit them both down and explain how this wasn't going to be a habit. She shouldn't be asking for things and he was going to create monster if he continued to buy her everything she wanted. Looking back, it's amazing to me that the three of us did as well as we did. He didn't know how to date someone with a child, I didn't know how to date someone so loving, and she didn't know how to take the attention she was getting from a male figure. We were all new to this kind of relationship.
After about six months, Joey and I decided to move in together. Again, I questioned if I was doing the right thing for Kailynn. I had told him that I would only move in with him if he truly thought we would get married. He agreed that he didn't want to hurt Kailynn or me and assured me that his intentions were to get married. I had just turned 23 and wasn't expecting to get married any time soon but felt the need to let him know what I was thinking and feeling. I really do think that us moving in together made me realize how much I needed him. I had trained myself not to need any one. It was so nice to know that when I came home, he was going to be there. He never told me one thing and did another. He included us in everything. Was this what a real relationship was like? Was I really worthy of his love? Joey had a way of making me feel like I was HIS gift. That HE was the lucky one. He used to tell me that he had never been in a relationship where he felt so helpless. I made him feel helpless? How? I was the one who was helpless. Didn't he realize he could do so much better than me? He could have anyone he wanted, and he chose ME? It's really hard for me to admit I felt this way because it seems so weak. Years of emotional stress had led me to believe I wasn't worth anything to anyone. In fact, he almost loved me too much. I had my wall up and didn't believe half the stuff he said. It often made me annoyed when he told me how much he loved me. What was he trying to prove? We had many arguments over if he was genuine or not. I honestly didn't know how to be in a positive relationship. I am by NO means saying that it was all rainbows and butterflies. But seriously, when I think of how hard it was for us starting out, it's amazing to me what a good job we actually did. I know I already said that but it's so true. All relationships are hard and we were starting ours off with a lot of baggage and trust issues. We were simply 23 and 25, doing the best we knew how. There isn't a manual for a man to read explaining how to be a good partner and father figure to a little girl who never even remembered having a dad. And there most definitely isn't a manual explaining how to be a good teenage mother who is now dating and moving in with someone who actually takes the time to do nice things for her. I used to feel like everyone around us felt like I owed Joey something. It bothered me when people would tell me how lucky I was to have him. Again, the wall was there. I knew I was lucky but I didn't feel like a lucky person at the time. I felt exhausted! I couldn't ever let my guard down too much in case he decided he didn't want to be with me. It had happened before with other relationships, what made Joey so different? Why didn't anyone ever tell Joey how lucky he was to have me? More importantly, why did I care what everyone else said? Joey was telling me that he was the lucky one. Why did I need to hear it from anyone else? I believe it was because I was still being tortured by my shame. I had allowed being a teenage mother to define me and assumed I was never going to be happy. I mentioned in a previous blog about choosing our own hurt. I wish someone could have told me the future. I would have held my head high and gave everyone else the middle finger! (metaphorically of course:)) For those of you who know me, I'm sure you are thinking that I did hold my head high. That was only my stubbornness refusing to let people know I was hurting. I'm thinking I should get an academy award for my performance! I wish I wouldn't have spent so much time wallowing in my own self pity!!
My confession: Through my experiences, I have developed a no tolerance for whining. It's okay to vent, but don't let your hardships define you! If you aren't happy, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!
Anyway...
Joey returned home from Florida and we began to officially "date". I wanted to keep Kailynn from meeting him in the event things didn't work out. Being a single mom was making this very difficult. After a few weeks I finally realized it was going to be impossible to keep them apart. I couldn't keep getting a babysitter every time we wanted to hang out. He was fine just hanging out at my apartment with the two of us but I was trying my best to keep Kailynn from seeing me in another relationship. Jack had taken a toll on both of us. My work was having a family roller skating get together and I figured this would be the best environment for them to meet. There was going to be lots of other people around and it would take some of the pressure off. Joey was super excited! I told Kailynn that we would be bringing a "friend" with us to the party. For all she knew, it was a girl. I was trying to give the least amount of information possible. She was only five, how much detail did she need? We get to the roller rink and I decide I'm not going to skate because I had recently injured my back. So Joey straps on his skates and off they went. I stood there watching them hold hands and going around in circles. Kailynn would fall and Joey would pick her right back up. She wasn't shy at all! He brings her over to me and she says she needs to use the restroom. The two of us go into the bathroom and while she's in the stall I ask her if she likes Joey. She says, "I kissed that boy!" What?! She explained that she fell and when he picked her up she kissed him on the cheek. Maybe them meeting wasn't a good idea after all. We go into the game room and he begins playing every game he can to win her prizes. She spots a ring in a machine and he spent $10 trying to get the exact ring she wanted. It was absolutely adorable! My heart melted at the sight of him with her. They became instant best buddies. Joey started volunteering to help out by picking her up from daycare so we could meet after I got off work. He took her to the grocery store one time and seriously bought her everything she wanted from the checkout lane! I had to sit them both down and explain how this wasn't going to be a habit. She shouldn't be asking for things and he was going to create monster if he continued to buy her everything she wanted. Looking back, it's amazing to me that the three of us did as well as we did. He didn't know how to date someone with a child, I didn't know how to date someone so loving, and she didn't know how to take the attention she was getting from a male figure. We were all new to this kind of relationship.
After about six months, Joey and I decided to move in together. Again, I questioned if I was doing the right thing for Kailynn. I had told him that I would only move in with him if he truly thought we would get married. He agreed that he didn't want to hurt Kailynn or me and assured me that his intentions were to get married. I had just turned 23 and wasn't expecting to get married any time soon but felt the need to let him know what I was thinking and feeling. I really do think that us moving in together made me realize how much I needed him. I had trained myself not to need any one. It was so nice to know that when I came home, he was going to be there. He never told me one thing and did another. He included us in everything. Was this what a real relationship was like? Was I really worthy of his love? Joey had a way of making me feel like I was HIS gift. That HE was the lucky one. He used to tell me that he had never been in a relationship where he felt so helpless. I made him feel helpless? How? I was the one who was helpless. Didn't he realize he could do so much better than me? He could have anyone he wanted, and he chose ME? It's really hard for me to admit I felt this way because it seems so weak. Years of emotional stress had led me to believe I wasn't worth anything to anyone. In fact, he almost loved me too much. I had my wall up and didn't believe half the stuff he said. It often made me annoyed when he told me how much he loved me. What was he trying to prove? We had many arguments over if he was genuine or not. I honestly didn't know how to be in a positive relationship. I am by NO means saying that it was all rainbows and butterflies. But seriously, when I think of how hard it was for us starting out, it's amazing to me what a good job we actually did. I know I already said that but it's so true. All relationships are hard and we were starting ours off with a lot of baggage and trust issues. We were simply 23 and 25, doing the best we knew how. There isn't a manual for a man to read explaining how to be a good partner and father figure to a little girl who never even remembered having a dad. And there most definitely isn't a manual explaining how to be a good teenage mother who is now dating and moving in with someone who actually takes the time to do nice things for her. I used to feel like everyone around us felt like I owed Joey something. It bothered me when people would tell me how lucky I was to have him. Again, the wall was there. I knew I was lucky but I didn't feel like a lucky person at the time. I felt exhausted! I couldn't ever let my guard down too much in case he decided he didn't want to be with me. It had happened before with other relationships, what made Joey so different? Why didn't anyone ever tell Joey how lucky he was to have me? More importantly, why did I care what everyone else said? Joey was telling me that he was the lucky one. Why did I need to hear it from anyone else? I believe it was because I was still being tortured by my shame. I had allowed being a teenage mother to define me and assumed I was never going to be happy. I mentioned in a previous blog about choosing our own hurt. I wish someone could have told me the future. I would have held my head high and gave everyone else the middle finger! (metaphorically of course:)) For those of you who know me, I'm sure you are thinking that I did hold my head high. That was only my stubbornness refusing to let people know I was hurting. I'm thinking I should get an academy award for my performance! I wish I wouldn't have spent so much time wallowing in my own self pity!!
My confession: Through my experiences, I have developed a no tolerance for whining. It's okay to vent, but don't let your hardships define you! If you aren't happy, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!
Friday, October 4, 2013
Unchained Melody
It is always so hard to start my blog. I have to reread what I wrote the day before and then figure out how to start the new entry. So today I am simply going to pick up where I left off:)
Joey called me that Sunday night and I remember getting the butterflies before answering the phone. He called my cell phone and I didn't recognize the number but somehow knew it was going to be him. We talked for about an hour and we set a time and date for our first date. He wanted to take me to a restaurant close to where we met, the name was Tellers. I'd never heard of it but knew it was a nice place. Already I was feeling anxious because I wasn't used to a guy wanting to take me to a nice place. He said he would pick me up and I explained that I lived far away and it would be back tracking. He didn't mind and insisted on picking me up. It turned out that the night of our date, my sister, who lived close to Tellers, asked me to pick up a book from my parents and drop it off to her on my way down. I was annoyed but like that good sister I am, told her I would do it. So Joey and I decide to meet at my parents. Weird, I know! I tell my parents I'm getting the book and my mom tells me they will be out to dinner around that time. Thank goodness:) There were only two days between the night we talked and the night we went out, so I didn't have much time to plan an outfit. I was so nervous that I changed my clothes at least five times. I didn't want to look too sexy, and I didn't want to look to casual. I decided I needed to look smart. Don't ask me why! Let me explain Joey. Very confident, friendly, funny, and did I mention confident. I couldn't quite figure out what his motive for going out with me was. Motive? Yes, that is how insecure I was. On one hand it was so nice to go out with someone who already knew I had a daughter. On the other hand I couldn't figure out why he would want to go out with me if he already knew I had a daughter. Guys like him didn't ask me out. I was so insecure that I couldn't wrap my head around it. It didn't make sense. So to keep myself from getting too close, or hurt. I put up a wall. It was a big, brick, giant wall.
Back to looking smart...
I decided to wear jeans (my butt always looked good in them) and a turquoise turtleneck sweater (it covered me and make me feel secure). I pulled up to my parents driveway and notice that their car is gone. Yes! I run inside, get my sister's book and as I'm walking out the front door, Joey is pulling into the driveway. I am literally running to his car to get out of there before my parents get home. Who meets someones parents on the first date? I'm almost to the car when my parents come pulling down the street. Great! Before I know it, they have him blocked in and my mom is getting out of the car. I'm not even sure my dad had come to a complete stop. He gets out of the car and walks straight up to her and introduces himself. She takes one look at us and says, "Oh my gosh! You guys dressed alike!" We look at each other and sure enough, we had. He was wearing a baby blue sweater with jeans. Not exactly the same but close enough. We both laughed it off. I guess he was going for a smart look, too. We drove down to my sisters, dropped off the book, and headed to dinner. The conversation flowed so easily. He asked me what had happened to Stan and how did I manage being a single mother. He was genuine in his concern with how I lived my life. It was as if he was fascinated by me and wanted to know everything there was to know about me. All the while, I'm thinking, I'm really not that interesting. Actually, if I told you everything I'd been through in the last five years, you would get up and run buddy! It didn't seem to bother him at all that I had a child. He was more concerned with how I did it and getting to know me for me. He told me all about his family and how he lost his dad at a young age. We talked about mutual people we knew and how funny it was that we had never bumped into each other before. Was this really happening? What is wrong with this guy? He's too good to be true. At one point during dinner, I looked over and there was an elderly couple sitting next to us. They were holding hands across the table sharing a bottle of wine. They looked like they truly loved each other. I made the comment that I would love to be like them one day. Joey looked and agreed that it was pretty cool to see such an old couple still able to enjoy one another. I think we both realized that we had a kindred spirit. It was like we had known each other our whole lives and I didn't want the night to end. I suggested calling our mutual friend who lived near by and meeting up for an after dinner drink. We met him and his girlfriend at a tiny little place around the corner. We were all laughing at Joey telling us jokes. Jokes that I can't believe he would tell on a first date! I really don't think it would have mattered what he said, I was hanging on his every word. We all laughed and carried on. He slides a napkin over to me and I see he has written something on it. I open it up and it says, "when can I see you again?" Man, he was smooth. I didn't even see him writing. I grab the pen and write, "when do you want to see me again?" Ha, ball back in your court sucker! He writes, "how about tomorrow?" WHAT?? This guy really likes me! I smile at him and tell him we'll have to work out the details later. We finally wrap up our night and say goodbye to our friends. As we are walking to the car he grabs my hand and I feel my stomach do a flip. I felt like Buddy from ELF, "I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love. And I don't care who knows it!" WAIT Rebecca, you said you weren't going to do this again. Take things slow. On the ride back to my car we discussed hanging out again. He was going to Florida for a long weekend and he wanted to hang out again before he left. No, Rebecca, say no! But how can I resist those beautiful blue eyes and that smile? He was so sweet! When we pulled into my parents driveway I didn't want to leave. We sat in the car talking for a while trying to drag out our date a little bit longer. Was he going to kiss me? I surely wasn't going to kiss him. Should I just open my door and bolt? I told him I needed to get going and leaned in to give him a hug. As I was pulling away, he kissed me. I swear there were fireworks and some song from Ghost playing. I was 100% smitten with this guy and knew I was going to end up heartbroken. How was I falling for him after one date? I must be the dumbest girl ever! Not this time. I ended up going to his place and watching him pack for his trip the very next night. We watched a movie and talked until I knew I had to go or else I would fall asleep. He called me every day that he was gone. His friends tell me that while under the influence, he rambled on about how he had found "the one." Little did they know, he had.
My confession: Even though my wall has crumbled, there is still a little bit left. As much as I am over things that have happened in my past, the scars are still there. I still fear that Joey can hurt me so I keep a little bit of that wall in tact. I have created the ultimate defense mechanism and I hate it!
Joey called me that Sunday night and I remember getting the butterflies before answering the phone. He called my cell phone and I didn't recognize the number but somehow knew it was going to be him. We talked for about an hour and we set a time and date for our first date. He wanted to take me to a restaurant close to where we met, the name was Tellers. I'd never heard of it but knew it was a nice place. Already I was feeling anxious because I wasn't used to a guy wanting to take me to a nice place. He said he would pick me up and I explained that I lived far away and it would be back tracking. He didn't mind and insisted on picking me up. It turned out that the night of our date, my sister, who lived close to Tellers, asked me to pick up a book from my parents and drop it off to her on my way down. I was annoyed but like that good sister I am, told her I would do it. So Joey and I decide to meet at my parents. Weird, I know! I tell my parents I'm getting the book and my mom tells me they will be out to dinner around that time. Thank goodness:) There were only two days between the night we talked and the night we went out, so I didn't have much time to plan an outfit. I was so nervous that I changed my clothes at least five times. I didn't want to look too sexy, and I didn't want to look to casual. I decided I needed to look smart. Don't ask me why! Let me explain Joey. Very confident, friendly, funny, and did I mention confident. I couldn't quite figure out what his motive for going out with me was. Motive? Yes, that is how insecure I was. On one hand it was so nice to go out with someone who already knew I had a daughter. On the other hand I couldn't figure out why he would want to go out with me if he already knew I had a daughter. Guys like him didn't ask me out. I was so insecure that I couldn't wrap my head around it. It didn't make sense. So to keep myself from getting too close, or hurt. I put up a wall. It was a big, brick, giant wall.
Back to looking smart...
I decided to wear jeans (my butt always looked good in them) and a turquoise turtleneck sweater (it covered me and make me feel secure). I pulled up to my parents driveway and notice that their car is gone. Yes! I run inside, get my sister's book and as I'm walking out the front door, Joey is pulling into the driveway. I am literally running to his car to get out of there before my parents get home. Who meets someones parents on the first date? I'm almost to the car when my parents come pulling down the street. Great! Before I know it, they have him blocked in and my mom is getting out of the car. I'm not even sure my dad had come to a complete stop. He gets out of the car and walks straight up to her and introduces himself. She takes one look at us and says, "Oh my gosh! You guys dressed alike!" We look at each other and sure enough, we had. He was wearing a baby blue sweater with jeans. Not exactly the same but close enough. We both laughed it off. I guess he was going for a smart look, too. We drove down to my sisters, dropped off the book, and headed to dinner. The conversation flowed so easily. He asked me what had happened to Stan and how did I manage being a single mother. He was genuine in his concern with how I lived my life. It was as if he was fascinated by me and wanted to know everything there was to know about me. All the while, I'm thinking, I'm really not that interesting. Actually, if I told you everything I'd been through in the last five years, you would get up and run buddy! It didn't seem to bother him at all that I had a child. He was more concerned with how I did it and getting to know me for me. He told me all about his family and how he lost his dad at a young age. We talked about mutual people we knew and how funny it was that we had never bumped into each other before. Was this really happening? What is wrong with this guy? He's too good to be true. At one point during dinner, I looked over and there was an elderly couple sitting next to us. They were holding hands across the table sharing a bottle of wine. They looked like they truly loved each other. I made the comment that I would love to be like them one day. Joey looked and agreed that it was pretty cool to see such an old couple still able to enjoy one another. I think we both realized that we had a kindred spirit. It was like we had known each other our whole lives and I didn't want the night to end. I suggested calling our mutual friend who lived near by and meeting up for an after dinner drink. We met him and his girlfriend at a tiny little place around the corner. We were all laughing at Joey telling us jokes. Jokes that I can't believe he would tell on a first date! I really don't think it would have mattered what he said, I was hanging on his every word. We all laughed and carried on. He slides a napkin over to me and I see he has written something on it. I open it up and it says, "when can I see you again?" Man, he was smooth. I didn't even see him writing. I grab the pen and write, "when do you want to see me again?" Ha, ball back in your court sucker! He writes, "how about tomorrow?" WHAT?? This guy really likes me! I smile at him and tell him we'll have to work out the details later. We finally wrap up our night and say goodbye to our friends. As we are walking to the car he grabs my hand and I feel my stomach do a flip. I felt like Buddy from ELF, "I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love. And I don't care who knows it!" WAIT Rebecca, you said you weren't going to do this again. Take things slow. On the ride back to my car we discussed hanging out again. He was going to Florida for a long weekend and he wanted to hang out again before he left. No, Rebecca, say no! But how can I resist those beautiful blue eyes and that smile? He was so sweet! When we pulled into my parents driveway I didn't want to leave. We sat in the car talking for a while trying to drag out our date a little bit longer. Was he going to kiss me? I surely wasn't going to kiss him. Should I just open my door and bolt? I told him I needed to get going and leaned in to give him a hug. As I was pulling away, he kissed me. I swear there were fireworks and some song from Ghost playing. I was 100% smitten with this guy and knew I was going to end up heartbroken. How was I falling for him after one date? I must be the dumbest girl ever! Not this time. I ended up going to his place and watching him pack for his trip the very next night. We watched a movie and talked until I knew I had to go or else I would fall asleep. He called me every day that he was gone. His friends tell me that while under the influence, he rambled on about how he had found "the one." Little did they know, he had.
My confession: Even though my wall has crumbled, there is still a little bit left. As much as I am over things that have happened in my past, the scars are still there. I still fear that Joey can hurt me so I keep a little bit of that wall in tact. I have created the ultimate defense mechanism and I hate it!
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Waffle House
After the last post, I received a lot of messages that really moved me. It is amazing how much support I have received in the last month just by telling my story. I forget that a lot of people that I am now associated with, have absolutely no idea what happened in my past. There have been several people who couldn't believe that I was in such a screwed up relationship with Jack. They see me for who I am now and can't imagine me being such a victim. It has made me realize how much I have stuffed down and hidden my past due to shame and embarrassment. Your messages and stories have helped me more than you will know. It has made me feel so much better about myself and the mistakes I have made. I am seeing a change in myself that I truly appreciate and it's due to the compassion that I received from others. Thank you!
I was in a dark place after Jack broke my hand. How was it possible for a 21 year old to hit rock bottom so many times? I remember feeling like my life was always going to be dysfunctional and full of pain and regret. I will never forget one evening I was sitting on my bed trying to do a homework assignment. Kailynn was watching TV in the other room so I decided to go to my bedroom to keep from being distracted. I had worked all day and wasn't really in the mood to do homework, but as usual, I waited until the night before to complete a huge assignment. Kailynn asked me what we were going to eat for dinner. Dinner? Why didn't I think of that? I thought about what was in the kitchen and since I had a limited supply of food I told her to have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She goes into the kitchen and makes herself a sandwich. I can hear her opening the cabinets and drawers, looking for all the supplies she will need. Then there is silence. I look up and she is standing at the foot of my bed. In her hand is a sandwich and she says, "I made one for you, Mommy." My heart sank into my stomach. Are you kidding me? What was I doing? My 5 year old just made me dinner. I grabbed her into my arms and squeezed her tight. It was in that moment I decided that I would finish the semester at school and would not return after winter break. I was broke, desperate, overwhelmed and I couldn't deal with it any longer. Kailynn needed to be my focus and I had replaced one distraction, Jack, with another, school. I was so busy trying to do the right thing and so worried about proving people wrong, that I didn't sit back and enjoy Kailynn for the little girl she was. She deserved better than a half attentive mother. It was a hard decision because I felt like a quitter but now that I can look back, it was the best decision I ever made. I believe that Kailynn has been the catapult for every decision I made when I was young. Everything I did was because of her and it lead me to where I am today. I'm sure she doesn't see it that way, but it is true.
When I think back to how miserable I was and how hard my life was, I am so proud of myself. I really hope that Kailynn will learn from my mistakes and always hold her head high. It's so hard raising children these days and it's even harder when you are still a child yourself. What is it that I want her to learn from me? Is it self respect? I ask myself all the time if I'm doing a good job. Kids don't go around giving their parents a pat on the back. I would really like to think that when she has children of her own, she will say, " I want to be just like my mom." That would be the best compliment ever! Does Kailynn think I did a good job? My desire to have her approval has only recently been brought to my attention. Maybe because she is going to technically be an adult. Not that I believe that my job is done, but 18 and going to college is a monumental moment in her life, and mine. I never expected things to turn out the way they did. I feel so blessed, even lucky. Does she feel the same way? Anyway, back to my story...
I had been out with a friend one night and we decided to end our night at Waffle House. There was an array of interesting company and we were enjoying the people watching. We were in the middle of eating our food when a familiar face approaches our table. It is a guy we both knew from high school. His name was Joey. I mostly knew him as a guy who dated another girl in our school. My friend knew him from her older brother. Joey was two years older than us so he had graduated before us and had been out of college for a couple of years. We did the typical catching up and the conversation was light and friendly. I was still in my cast and remember being so embarrassed. Please don't ask me what happened! As he stood there talking to us I was so taken by him. He had the most beautiful blues eyes. I remembered them from high school. But was he always this good looking? I didn't remember him being so handsome. He had a smile that lit up the room and a personality that drew people to him. He was the guy that everyone liked and I couldn't quite put my finger on it but, something was different about him. Like I said, I didn't really know him too well so it was hard to figure out. He didn't look like a boy, he was so strong and confident, like a man. He was sexy! I kept to myself and mostly listened to them catch up about sports and where my friend went to school. He returned to his table and we finished our meal. When we approached the cashier, I realized they did not accept credit cards. I had no cash and my friend had used up all her cash. Joey was sitting close by and came to my rescue. He offered to pay for my meal. So humiliating! I haven't seen this guy in six years, I'm not about to take his money! So what other option did I have? Grace, the nice cashier that Joey knew on a first name basis, told me that I could cross the street and get cash out of the ATM. Joey refused to let me go. His exact words, "I've got this Grace, I'm going to marry this girl one day and she's going to heighten my gene pool. We are going to make professional baseball players." Was this guy making fun of me? Oh well, it's getting late, I guess he can buy my $5.00 waffle house meal. He paid, I thanked him, and I left. Timing is everything. I was still in a bad place and wasn't ready for a relationship. I was dealing with my break up from Jack and trying to focus only on Kailynn. I walked out of there and didn't think about him again until three months later.
I had been at my work's Christmas party and some friends of mine suggested I meet them out afterwards. My parents had Kailynn for the night so I figured it would be a good idea. I met them at their house and changed into more casual clothes. We hopped into a cab and set off for our favorite watering hole. As soon as we got there we headed straight to the dance floor. My favorite band was playing and I was so excited to get a front row spot. I wiggle my way through the crowd and feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and Joey is standing in front of me. "Oh my gosh! Hey!", in a high pitch squeal. I insisted that I buy him a beer to repay my debt and of course he refused. Joey had grown up playing baseball with one of my friends and noticed I was with him when he came over to say hello. We all talked a little and I decided that I needed to get him a beer before I forgot or he left. I went to the bar, ordered a beer, and went to find him. As I approached him I began to feel absolutely ridiculous. I see him standing around a couple of girls. What was I thinking? What if one of them is his girlfriend and thinks I am hitting on him? I'm an idiot. I get closer and he makes eye contact. I stick out the beer and say, "Here. This is to repay you for Waffle House." He tries to introduce me to his friends but I felt so stupid that I barely uttered a word. Then I abruptly say goodbye, turn around, and leave. Unbeknownst to me, Joey was following me. I head over to my friends when he calls out my name. He thanks me again for the beer and then suggests that we "go out" sometime. Is this guy serious? Doesn't he know that I have a child and I'm a train wreck? He was so put together, why would he want to go out with me? So I respond, "do you mean on a date?" You can imagine how he felt. I knocked the wind right out of his sails. He replied, "uh, yeah, is that okay? Or am I too short for you?" Another height joke? Of course I acted like I didn't notice I was an inch taller than him. Not to mention I was wearing three inch heals! I told him I'd love to go out with him. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. What was I doing? I had said I was going to be in charge from now on. No more dating! He made a joke about not wanting to wait three days to call me and I told him I didn't like games so call whenever he wanted. I didn't expect him to call and went to bed regretting giving him my number. The next morning I wake up and express to my friend that I couldn't believe I gave my number to Joey. She said, "Rebecca, he is going to call you. He was totally flirting with you at Waffle House that night." He was? I didn't see it that way but as it turns out, she was right. He called that very night.
My confession: Why is it still so hard to be proud of myself?
I was in a dark place after Jack broke my hand. How was it possible for a 21 year old to hit rock bottom so many times? I remember feeling like my life was always going to be dysfunctional and full of pain and regret. I will never forget one evening I was sitting on my bed trying to do a homework assignment. Kailynn was watching TV in the other room so I decided to go to my bedroom to keep from being distracted. I had worked all day and wasn't really in the mood to do homework, but as usual, I waited until the night before to complete a huge assignment. Kailynn asked me what we were going to eat for dinner. Dinner? Why didn't I think of that? I thought about what was in the kitchen and since I had a limited supply of food I told her to have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She goes into the kitchen and makes herself a sandwich. I can hear her opening the cabinets and drawers, looking for all the supplies she will need. Then there is silence. I look up and she is standing at the foot of my bed. In her hand is a sandwich and she says, "I made one for you, Mommy." My heart sank into my stomach. Are you kidding me? What was I doing? My 5 year old just made me dinner. I grabbed her into my arms and squeezed her tight. It was in that moment I decided that I would finish the semester at school and would not return after winter break. I was broke, desperate, overwhelmed and I couldn't deal with it any longer. Kailynn needed to be my focus and I had replaced one distraction, Jack, with another, school. I was so busy trying to do the right thing and so worried about proving people wrong, that I didn't sit back and enjoy Kailynn for the little girl she was. She deserved better than a half attentive mother. It was a hard decision because I felt like a quitter but now that I can look back, it was the best decision I ever made. I believe that Kailynn has been the catapult for every decision I made when I was young. Everything I did was because of her and it lead me to where I am today. I'm sure she doesn't see it that way, but it is true.
When I think back to how miserable I was and how hard my life was, I am so proud of myself. I really hope that Kailynn will learn from my mistakes and always hold her head high. It's so hard raising children these days and it's even harder when you are still a child yourself. What is it that I want her to learn from me? Is it self respect? I ask myself all the time if I'm doing a good job. Kids don't go around giving their parents a pat on the back. I would really like to think that when she has children of her own, she will say, " I want to be just like my mom." That would be the best compliment ever! Does Kailynn think I did a good job? My desire to have her approval has only recently been brought to my attention. Maybe because she is going to technically be an adult. Not that I believe that my job is done, but 18 and going to college is a monumental moment in her life, and mine. I never expected things to turn out the way they did. I feel so blessed, even lucky. Does she feel the same way? Anyway, back to my story...
I had been out with a friend one night and we decided to end our night at Waffle House. There was an array of interesting company and we were enjoying the people watching. We were in the middle of eating our food when a familiar face approaches our table. It is a guy we both knew from high school. His name was Joey. I mostly knew him as a guy who dated another girl in our school. My friend knew him from her older brother. Joey was two years older than us so he had graduated before us and had been out of college for a couple of years. We did the typical catching up and the conversation was light and friendly. I was still in my cast and remember being so embarrassed. Please don't ask me what happened! As he stood there talking to us I was so taken by him. He had the most beautiful blues eyes. I remembered them from high school. But was he always this good looking? I didn't remember him being so handsome. He had a smile that lit up the room and a personality that drew people to him. He was the guy that everyone liked and I couldn't quite put my finger on it but, something was different about him. Like I said, I didn't really know him too well so it was hard to figure out. He didn't look like a boy, he was so strong and confident, like a man. He was sexy! I kept to myself and mostly listened to them catch up about sports and where my friend went to school. He returned to his table and we finished our meal. When we approached the cashier, I realized they did not accept credit cards. I had no cash and my friend had used up all her cash. Joey was sitting close by and came to my rescue. He offered to pay for my meal. So humiliating! I haven't seen this guy in six years, I'm not about to take his money! So what other option did I have? Grace, the nice cashier that Joey knew on a first name basis, told me that I could cross the street and get cash out of the ATM. Joey refused to let me go. His exact words, "I've got this Grace, I'm going to marry this girl one day and she's going to heighten my gene pool. We are going to make professional baseball players." Was this guy making fun of me? Oh well, it's getting late, I guess he can buy my $5.00 waffle house meal. He paid, I thanked him, and I left. Timing is everything. I was still in a bad place and wasn't ready for a relationship. I was dealing with my break up from Jack and trying to focus only on Kailynn. I walked out of there and didn't think about him again until three months later.
I had been at my work's Christmas party and some friends of mine suggested I meet them out afterwards. My parents had Kailynn for the night so I figured it would be a good idea. I met them at their house and changed into more casual clothes. We hopped into a cab and set off for our favorite watering hole. As soon as we got there we headed straight to the dance floor. My favorite band was playing and I was so excited to get a front row spot. I wiggle my way through the crowd and feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and Joey is standing in front of me. "Oh my gosh! Hey!", in a high pitch squeal. I insisted that I buy him a beer to repay my debt and of course he refused. Joey had grown up playing baseball with one of my friends and noticed I was with him when he came over to say hello. We all talked a little and I decided that I needed to get him a beer before I forgot or he left. I went to the bar, ordered a beer, and went to find him. As I approached him I began to feel absolutely ridiculous. I see him standing around a couple of girls. What was I thinking? What if one of them is his girlfriend and thinks I am hitting on him? I'm an idiot. I get closer and he makes eye contact. I stick out the beer and say, "Here. This is to repay you for Waffle House." He tries to introduce me to his friends but I felt so stupid that I barely uttered a word. Then I abruptly say goodbye, turn around, and leave. Unbeknownst to me, Joey was following me. I head over to my friends when he calls out my name. He thanks me again for the beer and then suggests that we "go out" sometime. Is this guy serious? Doesn't he know that I have a child and I'm a train wreck? He was so put together, why would he want to go out with me? So I respond, "do you mean on a date?" You can imagine how he felt. I knocked the wind right out of his sails. He replied, "uh, yeah, is that okay? Or am I too short for you?" Another height joke? Of course I acted like I didn't notice I was an inch taller than him. Not to mention I was wearing three inch heals! I told him I'd love to go out with him. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. What was I doing? I had said I was going to be in charge from now on. No more dating! He made a joke about not wanting to wait three days to call me and I told him I didn't like games so call whenever he wanted. I didn't expect him to call and went to bed regretting giving him my number. The next morning I wake up and express to my friend that I couldn't believe I gave my number to Joey. She said, "Rebecca, he is going to call you. He was totally flirting with you at Waffle House that night." He was? I didn't see it that way but as it turns out, she was right. He called that very night.
My confession: Why is it still so hard to be proud of myself?
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Eye of the Tiger
So I had a such a revelation yesterday. Several college brochures arrived in the mail and I was looking at one of them that happens to be three hours away. It began to sink in that there is a possibility that Kailynn may not go to a college close to home. I expect her to, but she is 17 and changes her mind on a daily basis. It made me think of all the times I wished her childhood away. I can remember being so relieved when she turned one and I didn't have to buy formula anymore. Then when she could eat regular food and I didn't have to buy jars of baby food anymore. Potty training as early as possible so I didn't have to buy diapers anymore. And the biggest of all, going to Kindergarten so I didn't have to pay so much for childcare anymore! I would give anything to spend a day with her in diapers again. Now she is going to college and I'm left wondering where in the world did time go. Why on earth was I in such a hurry for her to grow up? How am I going to let go? That's when it really hit me...we grew up together. I'm not only sending my daughter away, but my best friend. But this is a time in her life that she needs to flourish and not be concerned with her mom. I think she's always had a protective feeling about me. As if she knew that I needed her more than she needed me. Don't get the wrong idea. I am her mother NOT her friend. But we've been through a lot together. Kailynn is a very intuitive special human being. She is a sensitive soul and has a heart of gold. Like me, she is strong and determined. But there is something so special about her that I cry thinking about what she has been through and smile because I know she will get through anything! Okay, I can't even talk about this today. So let's pick up where I left off...
After Stan, I had a few relationships that weren't really too serious. I dated a few nice guys and a few not so nice guys. When Kailynn was two, I rekindled an old fling with a friend of mine named "Jack". Remember the boy from summer that I mentioned before? Him and I had stayed friends all through my pregnancy and he even came to the hospital when Kailynn was born. He went to a different high school so it was nice having a friend that didn't have any connections to Stan. Him and his posse of friends were always so nice to me. They were a little rough around the edges and drove big beat up trucks. There was a "good ole boy" kind of feel to them. I always had a crush on Jack. He was tall, handsome and athletic. Again, all the qualities a 19 year old girl was looking for in a guy. But he also had a protective attitude about me and Kailynn. He didn't like Stan at all and I loved that fact that he was willing to kick his butt in my honor. It is so amazing to me that when you have had such a feeling of rejection for so long, that you can misread or mistake someones intentions as love.
I had graduated from dental assisting school and was working for an orthodontist. One day while at work they told me I had a phone call from someone named Jack. We really didn't have time to take phone calls as we were always busy with patients and tried to keep them all on schedule. I was surprised he was calling me at work so I immediately knew something was wrong. I took the call and he asked if we could meet after work. "What's wrong?" He explained that he couldn't tell me over the phone and that he needed to talk to me in person. How was I supposed to work after that? What in the world could have happened that he called me at work? I told him we could meet after I put Kailynn to bed that evening and we agreed on a place. When I arrived I could tell he was a mess. I know this is cruel but I can't tell you what he told me. Sorry. It's not that I have a need to protect him but, some things aren't my story to tell. What I can say is that it brought us very close and I was one of very few people who knew what he was going through. We started spending a lot of time together. People were starting to notice and I was beginning to have feelings for him. Once again, I am in a situation where I am "helping" someone and a relationship forms. Jack loved Kailynn and we would do stuff together a lot. He would even invite us over to have dinner with his family. His parents really enjoyed her and his mom would keep her so he and I could go out. We never did anything too crazy because neither one of us had any money. I felt like he was the love of my life. Everything I had been through with Stan was because God knew I was meant to be with Jack. Jack and I had a great relationship for about a year. It was when he realized that the trouble he thought he had been in, was a mistake. He wasn't in trouble at all. He began partying again and slowly slipping away from me. This was different from Stan because we were a little older and it felt more like a real relationship. He had been there for me through so much that it was hard to imagine he would ever leave me. By the time I was 20, my parents told me I needed to move out. Jack and his friend moved all of my stuff out and into my new apartment. It was pretty cool at first. Kailynn and I had our own place! I was terrified but knew that I could make it work. It meant again, that money was going to run my life. I had to pay rent, my car payment, insurance, phone, electric, etc. How was I going to do it all by myself? Jack spent a lot of time there but wasn't offering any financial support. He was a poor college student who's parents gave him money when ever he needed it. He had turned 21 and it was beginning to get on my nerves that all he ever wanted to do was go to bars with his friends. I would find girls phone numbers on pieces of paper that he kept in his wallet. He always denied cheating but, let's face it, was I really going to break up with him? We fought ALL the time. He would say he would be over at a certain time and then never show up. Then he'd call me the next day and make up some stupid excuse and I would buy it. I understood he was young and didn't have the same responsibility as me. At the same time, I wanted him to love me enough that he didn't care what he missed out on. I loved him and was going to make it work no matter what. I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to have another failed relationship, but most of all, I didn't want to explain to Kailynn why Jack wasn't around. She LOVED him! He never acted like a father to her but he was her buddy. He would drive her to school for me or pick her up if I got off work late. We would watch movies together and play with her. He was the closest thing to a dad she knew and I couldn't take that away from her. His family was there for me and how could I lose them too?
The summer Kailynn turned five, I decided I was going to change her name. She was about to start Kindergarten and I didn't want to take the chance of a teacher accidentally calling me MRS. STAN! Seriously, I had never taught her to call her self by her whole name. When I realized that she would be writing her last name in school, I couldn't stomach the thought. I went to the court house and they explained that all I really had to do was fill out some paper work, have it signed by her biological father, and then show up in court. I got up the nerve to call him and he seemed to be on something. I don't know if he was stoned or what but he seemed very willing to come to my work and sign the papers. Awesome, right? WRONG! Next thing I know, Mrs. Stan is calling me telling me she wants the name of my "loyer" and how did I think I was going to get away with this. Are you serious lady? Guess what Mrs. Stan, I'm not 16 anymore, so bleep off! Stan then calls me and says that if I change Kailynn's name, then he will be officially done. Um, OK, considering I wasn't sure when he ever started, it didn't bother me. He hadn't seen her since she was 18 months old! Needless to say, he didn't sign the papers. So I had to spend more money that I didn't have to send a certified letter from the courthouse informing him of the date and time. When the day came, I was so nervous. Jacks aunt and uncle went with me in the event of any drama. We show up and no one was there. We waited a few minutes and the judge finally decided to get started. He asked why I wanted to change her name and I explained that I was a single parent acting as the sole provider and I wanted her to have my maiden name. And by the way, change her middle name back to what it was supposed to be all along. Ashlee. He said he didn't see anything wrong with that and since the father didn't show up, and there was no record of him paying child support, there was nothing to dispute. Yay!
I also decided the summer before Kailynn went to school that I was going to start college. I needed to get a degree and set my life up as a single mom. If I was going to be a working mom, then I wanted to be a teacher so I didn't have to worry about childcare and holidays. Kailynn and I would have the same schedule and it would work out much easier. Not to mention, I really always wanted to be a teacher. I decided to be a health teacher so I could teach sex education to high school students. I figured they would relate to me and I would be able to help them understand how to make smart choices. I was accepted to a good school and believe it or not, scored pretty well on my ACT. My future looked bright and I was excited to start this new adventure. I didn't qualify for any assistance because I made too much money. $22,000 a year to be exact. So I took out a loan and continued to work 3 days a week. I was seriously broke. Anyway, that's a whole other story.
Right before Kailynn's 5th birthday, a friend invited me to Lake Cumberland. I had never been there before and could use a break from Jack and all the fighting. He had spent his summer doing who know what and who knows who. I made arrangements for Kailynn and when I got back on Sunday, Jack had Kailynn. He met me at my apartment and it was pretty uneventful. I had a hard time being home after having such a good time. It was hard coming back to reality and knowing that I had all this pressure waiting for me. I had promised Kailynn the Friday before that she could wear a yellow dress on Monday. The dress was completely wrinkled and I didn't have time to iron it on Friday so I promised she could wear it on Monday. This strikes me as funny because I could care less if my kids wear wrinkled, dirty, old clothes now. Just get dressed and go to school, it's not a fashion show! But Kailynn had to look presentable at all times or else in my mind people would say, "that's what happens when you have a teenage mom", "she can't even dress her". UGH! So silly! So we all wake up Monday morning and are running around to get ready. I had gotten out of the shower and hear Kaiynn and Jack arguing over what she is going to wear. Crap! I forgot about the dress! So I go in and start explaining that it's my fault she is upset. I forgot to iron the dress and I promised she could wear it on Monday. He was pissed! "Why does it matter what she wears?" he was yelling. I walked out of the room refusing to explain to someone who wore basketball shorts and shirts with sleeves torn off about the importance of fashion. I told Kailynn to put the yellow dress on and go ahead and get her shoes on and brush her teeth. I went to my bedroom to get dressed as they went into the bathroom. She was sitting on the toilet with her foot propped up on his leg while he tightened the strap on her shoe. That's when I heard him say, "if I were your mom, I would beat your f-ing ass for acting this way!" WHAT!? Oh, no he didn't! I stormed into the bathroom and grabbed his arm, spinning him away from her to face me. "YOU DO NOT TALK TO HER LIKE THAT!" And in one swift motion, he grabbed my wrist with his free hand, and with her shoe in his other hand, hit my hand. Instantly I knew something broke. I looked at my hand and could see it wasn't right. The pain was shooting up my whole arm. What had he done? How was this happening? Kailynn just sat on the toilet staring at us. I could see the fear on her face. I turned out of the bathroom and went straight to the phone. I called my friend and told her she needed to come over immediately, I thought my hand was broken. Jack starts apologizing and telling me it's not broken. He didn't mean to do it. All I could do was ask him to leave. Over and over again, JUST LEAVE. I call my work and tell them I'm not coming in because I think I broke my hand skiing that weekend. What have I done? Am I that terrible of a person that I deserved to be treated this way? Why had I stayed with him for so long. Something like this was bound to happen. How was Kailynn ever going to be a normal kid after all she had witnessed. The shame, guilt and embarrassment was overwhelming. Kailynn never went to school that day. I dropped her at my moms and my friend took me to urgent care. My left hand was broken and I had an ugly cast to prove it. I had to sit through the doctors telling me about abuse and how a lot of women think it will never happen again. It was humiliating. I told them I wasn't in an abusive relationship. Was I in an abusive relationship? They told me how emotional abuse can turn to physical abuse and one time is one time too many. But this was my best friend. We had known each other since we were 15! He had been there for me and I for him. He loved me, didn't he? I went to bed that night wondering where my life was heading. I was a good person who was trying to do all the right things. Why me? What had I done to deserve this? Was I really that unlovable? How could Jack hurt me this way knowing all I'd been through. Where was the protective guy I fell in love with? He saw how hard I working. How was I ever going to get over this? I was used to him breaking my heart, but this had gone too far. I had to end things, but how? I found myself once again consoling the culprit. He did feel terrible. He said that he still believed we would be together one day and that he really did love me. I will tell you this, God does work in mysterious ways. If only I could have understood that then. I told Jack that there was no way we would ever get back together and here is why. What would I say or do if Kailynn ever came to me and said she was being abused by her boyfriend/husband? What if I thought she was in an abusive relationship and she was trying to hide it from me? I couldn't live with myself if she went through something like that and used my experience as an excuse. "Well, you stayed with Jack" or "Jack did it to you and you still loved him enough to give him another chance." I would not do it. My cousin came from 3 hours away and took Kailynn to stay with my aunt for a week so I could pull myself together. I stayed at my friends house where she helped me do my hair and cut up my meat. She even shaved my right armpit for me:) I had a lot of time to think about my future and how I needed to get my priorities straight. I didn't need a guy in my life! Kailynn and I were going to be just fine and I was going to start taking control of my future. Can you hear the Rocky theme song? Eye of the Tiger playing in my head. I was going to climb out of my pity and shame. I had done it before and I could do it again!
So Kailynn started her first day of kindergarten with her new name and I started my first day of college on the same day. I had all kinds of good stories about my cast. Skiing accident, a car accident, I think I even told some guy that was hitting on me that I was a police officer! It was all I could do to keep sane.
Confession:
Ending my relationship with Jack is one of the best decisions I ever made. I forgive him and hope he is really happy where ever he is. If this helps ONE person who is in or has been in an abusive relationship, emotional or physical, I'm glad I've shared.
To my sweet Kailynn, I'm sorry you ever had to experience those times. Please forgive me:)
After Stan, I had a few relationships that weren't really too serious. I dated a few nice guys and a few not so nice guys. When Kailynn was two, I rekindled an old fling with a friend of mine named "Jack". Remember the boy from summer that I mentioned before? Him and I had stayed friends all through my pregnancy and he even came to the hospital when Kailynn was born. He went to a different high school so it was nice having a friend that didn't have any connections to Stan. Him and his posse of friends were always so nice to me. They were a little rough around the edges and drove big beat up trucks. There was a "good ole boy" kind of feel to them. I always had a crush on Jack. He was tall, handsome and athletic. Again, all the qualities a 19 year old girl was looking for in a guy. But he also had a protective attitude about me and Kailynn. He didn't like Stan at all and I loved that fact that he was willing to kick his butt in my honor. It is so amazing to me that when you have had such a feeling of rejection for so long, that you can misread or mistake someones intentions as love.
I had graduated from dental assisting school and was working for an orthodontist. One day while at work they told me I had a phone call from someone named Jack. We really didn't have time to take phone calls as we were always busy with patients and tried to keep them all on schedule. I was surprised he was calling me at work so I immediately knew something was wrong. I took the call and he asked if we could meet after work. "What's wrong?" He explained that he couldn't tell me over the phone and that he needed to talk to me in person. How was I supposed to work after that? What in the world could have happened that he called me at work? I told him we could meet after I put Kailynn to bed that evening and we agreed on a place. When I arrived I could tell he was a mess. I know this is cruel but I can't tell you what he told me. Sorry. It's not that I have a need to protect him but, some things aren't my story to tell. What I can say is that it brought us very close and I was one of very few people who knew what he was going through. We started spending a lot of time together. People were starting to notice and I was beginning to have feelings for him. Once again, I am in a situation where I am "helping" someone and a relationship forms. Jack loved Kailynn and we would do stuff together a lot. He would even invite us over to have dinner with his family. His parents really enjoyed her and his mom would keep her so he and I could go out. We never did anything too crazy because neither one of us had any money. I felt like he was the love of my life. Everything I had been through with Stan was because God knew I was meant to be with Jack. Jack and I had a great relationship for about a year. It was when he realized that the trouble he thought he had been in, was a mistake. He wasn't in trouble at all. He began partying again and slowly slipping away from me. This was different from Stan because we were a little older and it felt more like a real relationship. He had been there for me through so much that it was hard to imagine he would ever leave me. By the time I was 20, my parents told me I needed to move out. Jack and his friend moved all of my stuff out and into my new apartment. It was pretty cool at first. Kailynn and I had our own place! I was terrified but knew that I could make it work. It meant again, that money was going to run my life. I had to pay rent, my car payment, insurance, phone, electric, etc. How was I going to do it all by myself? Jack spent a lot of time there but wasn't offering any financial support. He was a poor college student who's parents gave him money when ever he needed it. He had turned 21 and it was beginning to get on my nerves that all he ever wanted to do was go to bars with his friends. I would find girls phone numbers on pieces of paper that he kept in his wallet. He always denied cheating but, let's face it, was I really going to break up with him? We fought ALL the time. He would say he would be over at a certain time and then never show up. Then he'd call me the next day and make up some stupid excuse and I would buy it. I understood he was young and didn't have the same responsibility as me. At the same time, I wanted him to love me enough that he didn't care what he missed out on. I loved him and was going to make it work no matter what. I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to have another failed relationship, but most of all, I didn't want to explain to Kailynn why Jack wasn't around. She LOVED him! He never acted like a father to her but he was her buddy. He would drive her to school for me or pick her up if I got off work late. We would watch movies together and play with her. He was the closest thing to a dad she knew and I couldn't take that away from her. His family was there for me and how could I lose them too?
The summer Kailynn turned five, I decided I was going to change her name. She was about to start Kindergarten and I didn't want to take the chance of a teacher accidentally calling me MRS. STAN! Seriously, I had never taught her to call her self by her whole name. When I realized that she would be writing her last name in school, I couldn't stomach the thought. I went to the court house and they explained that all I really had to do was fill out some paper work, have it signed by her biological father, and then show up in court. I got up the nerve to call him and he seemed to be on something. I don't know if he was stoned or what but he seemed very willing to come to my work and sign the papers. Awesome, right? WRONG! Next thing I know, Mrs. Stan is calling me telling me she wants the name of my "loyer" and how did I think I was going to get away with this. Are you serious lady? Guess what Mrs. Stan, I'm not 16 anymore, so bleep off! Stan then calls me and says that if I change Kailynn's name, then he will be officially done. Um, OK, considering I wasn't sure when he ever started, it didn't bother me. He hadn't seen her since she was 18 months old! Needless to say, he didn't sign the papers. So I had to spend more money that I didn't have to send a certified letter from the courthouse informing him of the date and time. When the day came, I was so nervous. Jacks aunt and uncle went with me in the event of any drama. We show up and no one was there. We waited a few minutes and the judge finally decided to get started. He asked why I wanted to change her name and I explained that I was a single parent acting as the sole provider and I wanted her to have my maiden name. And by the way, change her middle name back to what it was supposed to be all along. Ashlee. He said he didn't see anything wrong with that and since the father didn't show up, and there was no record of him paying child support, there was nothing to dispute. Yay!
I also decided the summer before Kailynn went to school that I was going to start college. I needed to get a degree and set my life up as a single mom. If I was going to be a working mom, then I wanted to be a teacher so I didn't have to worry about childcare and holidays. Kailynn and I would have the same schedule and it would work out much easier. Not to mention, I really always wanted to be a teacher. I decided to be a health teacher so I could teach sex education to high school students. I figured they would relate to me and I would be able to help them understand how to make smart choices. I was accepted to a good school and believe it or not, scored pretty well on my ACT. My future looked bright and I was excited to start this new adventure. I didn't qualify for any assistance because I made too much money. $22,000 a year to be exact. So I took out a loan and continued to work 3 days a week. I was seriously broke. Anyway, that's a whole other story.
Right before Kailynn's 5th birthday, a friend invited me to Lake Cumberland. I had never been there before and could use a break from Jack and all the fighting. He had spent his summer doing who know what and who knows who. I made arrangements for Kailynn and when I got back on Sunday, Jack had Kailynn. He met me at my apartment and it was pretty uneventful. I had a hard time being home after having such a good time. It was hard coming back to reality and knowing that I had all this pressure waiting for me. I had promised Kailynn the Friday before that she could wear a yellow dress on Monday. The dress was completely wrinkled and I didn't have time to iron it on Friday so I promised she could wear it on Monday. This strikes me as funny because I could care less if my kids wear wrinkled, dirty, old clothes now. Just get dressed and go to school, it's not a fashion show! But Kailynn had to look presentable at all times or else in my mind people would say, "that's what happens when you have a teenage mom", "she can't even dress her". UGH! So silly! So we all wake up Monday morning and are running around to get ready. I had gotten out of the shower and hear Kaiynn and Jack arguing over what she is going to wear. Crap! I forgot about the dress! So I go in and start explaining that it's my fault she is upset. I forgot to iron the dress and I promised she could wear it on Monday. He was pissed! "Why does it matter what she wears?" he was yelling. I walked out of the room refusing to explain to someone who wore basketball shorts and shirts with sleeves torn off about the importance of fashion. I told Kailynn to put the yellow dress on and go ahead and get her shoes on and brush her teeth. I went to my bedroom to get dressed as they went into the bathroom. She was sitting on the toilet with her foot propped up on his leg while he tightened the strap on her shoe. That's when I heard him say, "if I were your mom, I would beat your f-ing ass for acting this way!" WHAT!? Oh, no he didn't! I stormed into the bathroom and grabbed his arm, spinning him away from her to face me. "YOU DO NOT TALK TO HER LIKE THAT!" And in one swift motion, he grabbed my wrist with his free hand, and with her shoe in his other hand, hit my hand. Instantly I knew something broke. I looked at my hand and could see it wasn't right. The pain was shooting up my whole arm. What had he done? How was this happening? Kailynn just sat on the toilet staring at us. I could see the fear on her face. I turned out of the bathroom and went straight to the phone. I called my friend and told her she needed to come over immediately, I thought my hand was broken. Jack starts apologizing and telling me it's not broken. He didn't mean to do it. All I could do was ask him to leave. Over and over again, JUST LEAVE. I call my work and tell them I'm not coming in because I think I broke my hand skiing that weekend. What have I done? Am I that terrible of a person that I deserved to be treated this way? Why had I stayed with him for so long. Something like this was bound to happen. How was Kailynn ever going to be a normal kid after all she had witnessed. The shame, guilt and embarrassment was overwhelming. Kailynn never went to school that day. I dropped her at my moms and my friend took me to urgent care. My left hand was broken and I had an ugly cast to prove it. I had to sit through the doctors telling me about abuse and how a lot of women think it will never happen again. It was humiliating. I told them I wasn't in an abusive relationship. Was I in an abusive relationship? They told me how emotional abuse can turn to physical abuse and one time is one time too many. But this was my best friend. We had known each other since we were 15! He had been there for me and I for him. He loved me, didn't he? I went to bed that night wondering where my life was heading. I was a good person who was trying to do all the right things. Why me? What had I done to deserve this? Was I really that unlovable? How could Jack hurt me this way knowing all I'd been through. Where was the protective guy I fell in love with? He saw how hard I working. How was I ever going to get over this? I was used to him breaking my heart, but this had gone too far. I had to end things, but how? I found myself once again consoling the culprit. He did feel terrible. He said that he still believed we would be together one day and that he really did love me. I will tell you this, God does work in mysterious ways. If only I could have understood that then. I told Jack that there was no way we would ever get back together and here is why. What would I say or do if Kailynn ever came to me and said she was being abused by her boyfriend/husband? What if I thought she was in an abusive relationship and she was trying to hide it from me? I couldn't live with myself if she went through something like that and used my experience as an excuse. "Well, you stayed with Jack" or "Jack did it to you and you still loved him enough to give him another chance." I would not do it. My cousin came from 3 hours away and took Kailynn to stay with my aunt for a week so I could pull myself together. I stayed at my friends house where she helped me do my hair and cut up my meat. She even shaved my right armpit for me:) I had a lot of time to think about my future and how I needed to get my priorities straight. I didn't need a guy in my life! Kailynn and I were going to be just fine and I was going to start taking control of my future. Can you hear the Rocky theme song? Eye of the Tiger playing in my head. I was going to climb out of my pity and shame. I had done it before and I could do it again!
So Kailynn started her first day of kindergarten with her new name and I started my first day of college on the same day. I had all kinds of good stories about my cast. Skiing accident, a car accident, I think I even told some guy that was hitting on me that I was a police officer! It was all I could do to keep sane.
Confession:
Ending my relationship with Jack is one of the best decisions I ever made. I forgive him and hope he is really happy where ever he is. If this helps ONE person who is in or has been in an abusive relationship, emotional or physical, I'm glad I've shared.
To my sweet Kailynn, I'm sorry you ever had to experience those times. Please forgive me:)
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Life After Graduation
Today is a beautiful day. I have been sitting here on my couch for the last few minutes reflecting on my past posts and appreciating how far I have come. I have had over 5,000 page views and as awesome as that is, I'm beginning to feel a sense of pressure to please my readers. I can only pray that I am doing the right thing by sharing my story. No one likes to feel judged so bare with me while I tell my truth again today.
Once I graduated high school, I felt a huge relief and then a huge burden as well. Everyone else was going off to college and I wasn't quite sure what I was going to do. I had always assumed I would go to college but it seemed too much of a burden financially and who was going to care for Kailynn while I attended college and worked for the next four years. I realized right away that everything in life was based on money. How was I going to make the most money in the quickest amount of time so that Kailynn and I weren't a burden to my parents? Tensions were flying high in my household and I was constantly trying to juggle it all. We were all flying by the seat of our pants and I was starting to resent my parents. Why were they making me work? Why wouldn't they babysit so I could go out with my friends? Why were they always so angry with me? It was not a good time for us. I got into a heated argument with my parents one day and I went into my room and locked the door. I called my friend hysterically crying and told her to come pick me up. I had enough! I couldn't take one more minute of responsibility. There were too many choices that had to be made and it wasn't fair that I had to figure it all out on my own. I missed out on so many things my senior year and I was tired of missing out. I needed a break! Everything came to a head in that moment and I needed to run away from all responsibility NOW. I snuck out my window and hopped into my friends car. I didn't know what I was going to do but I knew if I stayed in my house one more minute that I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I didn't return home until a month later. Again, the shame and the guilt was there. Who leaves their child for a month? Who abandons their own baby? I saw Kailynn but I didn't stay at my parents house. I felt suffocated there. I had such anger for them and them for me, I couldn't live there anymore. I felt their disappointment in every word and every look. I couldn't escape the regret and shame. It was everywhere. Looking back I truly believe I had a nervous breakdown. I know it sounds like an excuse and I never saw a doctor, so maybe not. But as an adult looking back, it seems completely reasonable. Sometimes life gives us circumstances that we can't wrap our minds around. I was so wrapped up in the trauma, even the drama, of my last 10 months, that I couldn't physically or emotionally take anymore. I was thinner that I had ever been and in a serious state of depression. I knew I would go home eventually, but my mind wouldn't let me do it. I ended up coming home two weeks before Kailynn's 1st birthday. Me leaving her is the biggest regret I have in my life to this point. I truly do believe that I needed that time to pull myself together and realize that as hard as life was with Kailynn, it was so much harder without her. While away from home, I realized that being a carefree "kid" wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. God had given me special gift, and I was neglecting to see it. It wasn't Kailynn that was keeping me from being happy. It was everything else that I didn't know how to cope with. I had let it consume me and cloud my judgement which resulted in yet another bad decision. Are you seeing a trend here?
Once I came home, my parents and I came up with a plan for me to go to school. I decided to go to dental assisting school that was about a 6 month program. I was going to school and working full time. It was a busy life but I felt better about myself now that I was getting some type of education and moving forward in my life. I knew I didn't want to live at home forever and needed a good job if I was going to support the two of us. I was actually excited about learning and absolutely believe that knowledge is power. (Even if it meant I was learning about teeth!) It was something new and giving me hope that I was going to have a future. Kailynn was growing like a weed and doing all kinds of cute stuff. She was such a loving little girl and things were actually getting easier from a parenting perspective. She was eating food (no more baby food and formula, yay!) She slept in her own bed and had her own routine of going to the babysitters and hanging out with me in my spare time. My best friend down the street loved spending time with her so we would hang out there a lot to get out of my house and give my parents a break. Her parents really took a liking to Kailynn and would get so excited when she came over. Her mom would even buy little toys for her and loved playing games or doing crafts while we visited. Even her dad loved playing with her! He had a miniature cast iron stove that came apart. The two of them would sit on the floor taking it apart and putting it back together over and over. He couldn't believe how smart she was and how quickly she learned to do it on her own. I think of these times and feel such a happiness in my heart that I had another family that loved me and Kailynn in such a selfless way. Kailynn always had so many people loving her, it made it easy to forget the ones who weren't. Again, I wish I would have realized what I had at the time so I could have shown my appreciation more. This blog is really turning into a positive release for me. It's crazy that even though I felt like I had no one, there were people loving me all around. I think it's important to sit back from time to time and access the people you have or have had in your life. Did they know how much I needed them? Did they realize how much I appreciated them? Will they ever know how much they helped me in such a time of need? Luckily for me, I am able to tell them. But as I've matured, (I refuse to say "gotten older") I realize that it's important to let people know how you feel and not to let things go for another day. I want Kailynn to know how important it is to be thankful, appreciative, and humble. That is one of the most important reasons I am being so honest with my past. It's not to show her how hard it was being a single mom, but to learn from my mistakes. I'm not even talking about having a baby. It's all the other decisions I've made in search for love and acceptance. Not that she has to be perfect, but that she understands ME of all people realizes how far we are from perfection. That at the end of the day, I have her and if I had to go back I wouldn't change a thing. My experiences have taught me so much about myself, I hope they can teach her a little bit about herself too.
I'm sure you are all so curious to find out what it was like dating while being a teenage single mother. There goes my sarcasm again. Because I have quite the story to tell about my dating life, I will have to continue it tomorrow. It is one of the most important stories about my life as a teenage mom that I want to make sure I have time to deliver the right message. I wish I could say that when Kailynn was a baby, I met my husband and lived happily ever after. But unfortunately, I met him later.
Today I confess:
I am lucky to have had certain people help me along the way. Sometimes I feel guilty and unworthy.
Also, I don't want to put too much pressure on Kailynn. I've always felt like she had to be good so I wouldn't look bad.
Once I graduated high school, I felt a huge relief and then a huge burden as well. Everyone else was going off to college and I wasn't quite sure what I was going to do. I had always assumed I would go to college but it seemed too much of a burden financially and who was going to care for Kailynn while I attended college and worked for the next four years. I realized right away that everything in life was based on money. How was I going to make the most money in the quickest amount of time so that Kailynn and I weren't a burden to my parents? Tensions were flying high in my household and I was constantly trying to juggle it all. We were all flying by the seat of our pants and I was starting to resent my parents. Why were they making me work? Why wouldn't they babysit so I could go out with my friends? Why were they always so angry with me? It was not a good time for us. I got into a heated argument with my parents one day and I went into my room and locked the door. I called my friend hysterically crying and told her to come pick me up. I had enough! I couldn't take one more minute of responsibility. There were too many choices that had to be made and it wasn't fair that I had to figure it all out on my own. I missed out on so many things my senior year and I was tired of missing out. I needed a break! Everything came to a head in that moment and I needed to run away from all responsibility NOW. I snuck out my window and hopped into my friends car. I didn't know what I was going to do but I knew if I stayed in my house one more minute that I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I didn't return home until a month later. Again, the shame and the guilt was there. Who leaves their child for a month? Who abandons their own baby? I saw Kailynn but I didn't stay at my parents house. I felt suffocated there. I had such anger for them and them for me, I couldn't live there anymore. I felt their disappointment in every word and every look. I couldn't escape the regret and shame. It was everywhere. Looking back I truly believe I had a nervous breakdown. I know it sounds like an excuse and I never saw a doctor, so maybe not. But as an adult looking back, it seems completely reasonable. Sometimes life gives us circumstances that we can't wrap our minds around. I was so wrapped up in the trauma, even the drama, of my last 10 months, that I couldn't physically or emotionally take anymore. I was thinner that I had ever been and in a serious state of depression. I knew I would go home eventually, but my mind wouldn't let me do it. I ended up coming home two weeks before Kailynn's 1st birthday. Me leaving her is the biggest regret I have in my life to this point. I truly do believe that I needed that time to pull myself together and realize that as hard as life was with Kailynn, it was so much harder without her. While away from home, I realized that being a carefree "kid" wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. God had given me special gift, and I was neglecting to see it. It wasn't Kailynn that was keeping me from being happy. It was everything else that I didn't know how to cope with. I had let it consume me and cloud my judgement which resulted in yet another bad decision. Are you seeing a trend here?
Once I came home, my parents and I came up with a plan for me to go to school. I decided to go to dental assisting school that was about a 6 month program. I was going to school and working full time. It was a busy life but I felt better about myself now that I was getting some type of education and moving forward in my life. I knew I didn't want to live at home forever and needed a good job if I was going to support the two of us. I was actually excited about learning and absolutely believe that knowledge is power. (Even if it meant I was learning about teeth!) It was something new and giving me hope that I was going to have a future. Kailynn was growing like a weed and doing all kinds of cute stuff. She was such a loving little girl and things were actually getting easier from a parenting perspective. She was eating food (no more baby food and formula, yay!) She slept in her own bed and had her own routine of going to the babysitters and hanging out with me in my spare time. My best friend down the street loved spending time with her so we would hang out there a lot to get out of my house and give my parents a break. Her parents really took a liking to Kailynn and would get so excited when she came over. Her mom would even buy little toys for her and loved playing games or doing crafts while we visited. Even her dad loved playing with her! He had a miniature cast iron stove that came apart. The two of them would sit on the floor taking it apart and putting it back together over and over. He couldn't believe how smart she was and how quickly she learned to do it on her own. I think of these times and feel such a happiness in my heart that I had another family that loved me and Kailynn in such a selfless way. Kailynn always had so many people loving her, it made it easy to forget the ones who weren't. Again, I wish I would have realized what I had at the time so I could have shown my appreciation more. This blog is really turning into a positive release for me. It's crazy that even though I felt like I had no one, there were people loving me all around. I think it's important to sit back from time to time and access the people you have or have had in your life. Did they know how much I needed them? Did they realize how much I appreciated them? Will they ever know how much they helped me in such a time of need? Luckily for me, I am able to tell them. But as I've matured, (I refuse to say "gotten older") I realize that it's important to let people know how you feel and not to let things go for another day. I want Kailynn to know how important it is to be thankful, appreciative, and humble. That is one of the most important reasons I am being so honest with my past. It's not to show her how hard it was being a single mom, but to learn from my mistakes. I'm not even talking about having a baby. It's all the other decisions I've made in search for love and acceptance. Not that she has to be perfect, but that she understands ME of all people realizes how far we are from perfection. That at the end of the day, I have her and if I had to go back I wouldn't change a thing. My experiences have taught me so much about myself, I hope they can teach her a little bit about herself too.
I'm sure you are all so curious to find out what it was like dating while being a teenage single mother. There goes my sarcasm again. Because I have quite the story to tell about my dating life, I will have to continue it tomorrow. It is one of the most important stories about my life as a teenage mom that I want to make sure I have time to deliver the right message. I wish I could say that when Kailynn was a baby, I met my husband and lived happily ever after. But unfortunately, I met him later.
Today I confess:
I am lucky to have had certain people help me along the way. Sometimes I feel guilty and unworthy.
Also, I don't want to put too much pressure on Kailynn. I've always felt like she had to be good so I wouldn't look bad.
Friday, September 20, 2013
The end of STAN
I got a really late start today so I hope I am able to be productive before my kids get home!
After I left the hospital, I started to find my routine with a baby. It was as if Kailynn knew I was hanging on by a thread and decided to be the best baby ever. The first night I brought her home she slept 6 hours! My mom was a help but she didn't sign up for getting up in the middle of the night. I was on my own. Stan had come over a few times and it was always hard for me when he left. I wanted us to be a little family and he wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. He decided to play football that fall so a lot of his time was spent at practice and two-a-days. The tension was growing thicker and thicker as I tried to mask my frustration with him and deal with a newborn baby day in and day out. School started back up and I tried to act normal but it was extremely hard. I had the same guilt any other mother would have leaving their newborn baby on top of the pressures of being a teenager in high school. I had to wear breast pads to prevent any leakage for crying out loud! The newness of Kailynn was wearing off and reality was setting in. Having a child is a huge commitment. I tried to blend in socially by taking Kailynn to a few events, but it always felt weird. No one else was carrying around a baby. My mom watched her all day while I was at school and then again at night when I went to work. She was in need of her own break. It was starting to take a toll on everybody!
When Kailynn was two months old my family went to visit my grandparents and great grandparents in West Virginia. I was excited to show off my baby and how many people can say they have a picture with their great, great grandmother. Kailynn didn't take to the three hour drive well and ended up being sick the whole weekend. It was stressful traveling with a newborn and being out of my element. I had no idea what it took just to get away for a weekend. Have you ever had a feeling in your gut when you knew something is wrong? I had this feeling the whole time. I tried calling Stan to let him know we were okay and Mrs. Stan said he was out and she'd let him know to call. I left my grandma's number and he never called. I tried not to read too much into, I was sure he got home late and didn't want to risk calling too late. We left early Sunday morning due to the fact I had to be at work by 3. My shift normally ended around 10 and at about 9:30 Stan shows up and tells me we need to talk. I knew then my gut was right all along. He hung out until ten and we rode over to my parents. He sat me down and told me I needed to "find a babysitter for Friday nights". Typically I would work on Friday nights and it was his job to keep Kailynn since my mom did during the day. Since we were out of town that Friday "he really liked not having to babysit." Oh Stan, I am trying so hard not to make you look so bad. That is not my sarcastic voice. You can imagine my response. It's not BABYSITTING when it's your own kid! So his solution was for me to quit my job. My jaw dropped to the ground. How could I quit my job? Who was going to buy her diapers and formula? My mom had mentioned going back to work part time and I was going to need money for a babysitter. The request was so impossible, I couldn't do it. I finally had enough and told him to get out.
The next day at school was beyond awkward. I could literally see people talking behind my back. Stan avoided me like the plague. What was going on? Had he already told everyone we broke up. Did we break up?? I know I told him to get out but that didn't mean we weren't going to be together, did it? That's when someone finally had the nerve to pull me aside and fill me in. Apparently Stan had attended a party that weekend and had been seen with a Sophomore sitting on his lap. Are you kidding me? There was no way this was true. He was a lot of things, but not a cheat. I starting asking the typical questions. Who was she? Who all was there? Who's house were they at? I'm not sure why it really mattered. I was trying to blame someone, anyone, other than him. What kind of girl would do this to me? Doesn't she know that he has a baby with someone? Why wouldn't my friends who were there say anything to him? Were people really that self involved that no one was thinking of me and my 2 month old baby? No, because they were a bunch of carefree kids who were just trying to have a good time. It wasn't their fault, nor their responsibility. And how could I expect anyone else to stand up to him when I couldn't even do it myself. To say I felt betrayed was an understatement. You can imagine the rage that soared through my veins. I was livid. He didn't want to "babysit" because he wanted to go out to parties and flirt with girls. Well I wanted to do the same thing! (not flirt with girls) What about me? Was ANYONE thinking about ME? No one was going to break up my little family and I was prepared to do anything to get Stan to wake up and smell the roses. Me and Kailynn being the roses, of course. I would straighten this all out and things would go back to normal. Normal? What's that again?
Here was my new normal. Stan dating around while calling me every night telling me how terrible he felt. I would console him while he told me he needed time to figure things out. Then we would go to school and he would act like he didn't know me. He wasn't really seeing Kailynn at all and it was taking a toll on me. I was trying my best to act normal and move on with my life but it was extremely hard. I couldn't tell my friends what I was doing because I was too worried Stan would get mad at me. If he found out I told people, he would be mad and then I would really lose him. I was pathetic! It sickens me to admit this but... we were being intimate the whole time. Ahhh! What was I thinking? Being a 17 year old mother, daughter, student, etc. was seeming to be impossible. Why did I ever love this person? What in the world was I doing? He began dating a girl and getting kind of serious. I was starting to see myself as a mistress. ME, the mistress! How messed up is that? I decided I would confront this girl and let her know we were both being duped. She would get mad at him, break up with him, and he would HAVE to come back to me and Kailynn. Right? So I waited one day to get her attention and asked if she would go to the bathroom with me. We enter the bathroom and we are alone. Shwew! I was so nervous to tell her the news because I didn't want her to feel the same hurt I had felt by him. Him and I had a baby together and I was sure she would see there was a bond no one could break. I was wrong. She accused me of lying. She started yelling at me insisting that I was making the whole thing up just to get him back. Why would I make up sleeping with someone that I already had a baby with? Obviously we had already been together! I'm not going to lie about it now and make myself look pathetic for nothing. How could she really believe that I was a liar. I was in shock at how she reacted. SHE was mad at ME? Was I really that naive that I expected another girl to show compassion towards me for all that I had been through? Apparently, she was just as naive as me. Poor thing actually thought HE was the one with dignity. But then again, I guess he was. He wasn't in the girls bathroom pleading for me, it was me pleading for him. She bolted out of the bathroom leaving me standing there. It was then I knew I had hit rock bottom. I would NEVER let him make a fool of me again. What on earth was I thinking confronting this girl? Needless to say, Stan reacted exactly the way I was afraid of. He was furious with me. She told everyone what I had said and he told everyone I was lying. One girl overheard someone I thought was my friend, calling me a slut.
I went home and told my mom I would never go to school again. How could I face these people. Don't get me wrong. I know high school is hard for a lot of people but I was sinking into a dark hole everyday. Graduating high school was the least of my worries. I was beginning to think that my life wasn't even worth living. Kailynn would be so much better without me. I was a lying slut who trusted the most irresponsible, selfish teenage boy. How would I be able to raise her to make good choices when I couldn't even make them myself. I seriously started to hate myself and resent ever having a baby. They were all right. I wasn't going to be able to do this parenting thing and I was failing bigger than ever. I stayed home for about three days. My mom was getting furious with me for being a quitter. "You can either sit in here feeling sorry for yourself, or go back to school and prove them all wrong." Ok, I'll just sit here. Thanks for the advice though! Just kidding:) My mom called the assistant principle and set up a meeting for me. I went in and he told me that he had one job that year, to make sure I graduated from high school. He told me how his dad left his mom when he was little and his mom meant the world to him. That all the years of her being a single mom he had grown to admire and respect his mother for her strength. Was I really going to be a statistic? Didn't I want Kailynn to be proud of me? It was like a floodgate of emotions came pouring out. I told him EVERYTHING. The poor guy handed me a box of tissues and told me to get it ALL out. He was going to help me if that meant following me from class to class. Just having him care so much about me made me realize that I was being weak and selfish. My life wasn't about me anymore, it was about Kailynn. Was I really going to let Stan, Stan's girlfriend, and anyone else who wanted to dog me, keep me from graduation? Absolutely not!
After that I was very cautious about who I hung out with. I didn't have a huge group of friends but a few who were really there for me. I wish I knew then how much they would mean to me now. Even if we didn't stay close through the years, they were still a very important part of my life. They encouraged me to stay the heck away from Stan. Told me that I was too good for him and he didn't deserve me. They were telling me all the things I needed to hear just to go to school everyday. "Logan" was also raised by a single mom and told me if his mom could do it, then so could I. He seemed to have turned out okay:) It was nice to have people who still showed an interest in me for being Rebecca, not just the girl who had a baby while in high school. Things were far from good but they were better. I was learning how to live without Stan and it actually made me feel much better about myself.
I'm cracking up because I'm trying to finish this while my kids, all of them, are having a burping contest! Kailynn is teaching her little brother how to burp on demand. Maybe I have taught her some good life lessons:)
Confession: I am seriously ashamed of my actions in this post. I don't blame anyone for any of my actions other than myself. But most importantly, I am tired of talking about STAN!!
Don't judge my grammatical or spelling errors as I did not have time to proofread!
After I left the hospital, I started to find my routine with a baby. It was as if Kailynn knew I was hanging on by a thread and decided to be the best baby ever. The first night I brought her home she slept 6 hours! My mom was a help but she didn't sign up for getting up in the middle of the night. I was on my own. Stan had come over a few times and it was always hard for me when he left. I wanted us to be a little family and he wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. He decided to play football that fall so a lot of his time was spent at practice and two-a-days. The tension was growing thicker and thicker as I tried to mask my frustration with him and deal with a newborn baby day in and day out. School started back up and I tried to act normal but it was extremely hard. I had the same guilt any other mother would have leaving their newborn baby on top of the pressures of being a teenager in high school. I had to wear breast pads to prevent any leakage for crying out loud! The newness of Kailynn was wearing off and reality was setting in. Having a child is a huge commitment. I tried to blend in socially by taking Kailynn to a few events, but it always felt weird. No one else was carrying around a baby. My mom watched her all day while I was at school and then again at night when I went to work. She was in need of her own break. It was starting to take a toll on everybody!
When Kailynn was two months old my family went to visit my grandparents and great grandparents in West Virginia. I was excited to show off my baby and how many people can say they have a picture with their great, great grandmother. Kailynn didn't take to the three hour drive well and ended up being sick the whole weekend. It was stressful traveling with a newborn and being out of my element. I had no idea what it took just to get away for a weekend. Have you ever had a feeling in your gut when you knew something is wrong? I had this feeling the whole time. I tried calling Stan to let him know we were okay and Mrs. Stan said he was out and she'd let him know to call. I left my grandma's number and he never called. I tried not to read too much into, I was sure he got home late and didn't want to risk calling too late. We left early Sunday morning due to the fact I had to be at work by 3. My shift normally ended around 10 and at about 9:30 Stan shows up and tells me we need to talk. I knew then my gut was right all along. He hung out until ten and we rode over to my parents. He sat me down and told me I needed to "find a babysitter for Friday nights". Typically I would work on Friday nights and it was his job to keep Kailynn since my mom did during the day. Since we were out of town that Friday "he really liked not having to babysit." Oh Stan, I am trying so hard not to make you look so bad. That is not my sarcastic voice. You can imagine my response. It's not BABYSITTING when it's your own kid! So his solution was for me to quit my job. My jaw dropped to the ground. How could I quit my job? Who was going to buy her diapers and formula? My mom had mentioned going back to work part time and I was going to need money for a babysitter. The request was so impossible, I couldn't do it. I finally had enough and told him to get out.
The next day at school was beyond awkward. I could literally see people talking behind my back. Stan avoided me like the plague. What was going on? Had he already told everyone we broke up. Did we break up?? I know I told him to get out but that didn't mean we weren't going to be together, did it? That's when someone finally had the nerve to pull me aside and fill me in. Apparently Stan had attended a party that weekend and had been seen with a Sophomore sitting on his lap. Are you kidding me? There was no way this was true. He was a lot of things, but not a cheat. I starting asking the typical questions. Who was she? Who all was there? Who's house were they at? I'm not sure why it really mattered. I was trying to blame someone, anyone, other than him. What kind of girl would do this to me? Doesn't she know that he has a baby with someone? Why wouldn't my friends who were there say anything to him? Were people really that self involved that no one was thinking of me and my 2 month old baby? No, because they were a bunch of carefree kids who were just trying to have a good time. It wasn't their fault, nor their responsibility. And how could I expect anyone else to stand up to him when I couldn't even do it myself. To say I felt betrayed was an understatement. You can imagine the rage that soared through my veins. I was livid. He didn't want to "babysit" because he wanted to go out to parties and flirt with girls. Well I wanted to do the same thing! (not flirt with girls) What about me? Was ANYONE thinking about ME? No one was going to break up my little family and I was prepared to do anything to get Stan to wake up and smell the roses. Me and Kailynn being the roses, of course. I would straighten this all out and things would go back to normal. Normal? What's that again?
Here was my new normal. Stan dating around while calling me every night telling me how terrible he felt. I would console him while he told me he needed time to figure things out. Then we would go to school and he would act like he didn't know me. He wasn't really seeing Kailynn at all and it was taking a toll on me. I was trying my best to act normal and move on with my life but it was extremely hard. I couldn't tell my friends what I was doing because I was too worried Stan would get mad at me. If he found out I told people, he would be mad and then I would really lose him. I was pathetic! It sickens me to admit this but... we were being intimate the whole time. Ahhh! What was I thinking? Being a 17 year old mother, daughter, student, etc. was seeming to be impossible. Why did I ever love this person? What in the world was I doing? He began dating a girl and getting kind of serious. I was starting to see myself as a mistress. ME, the mistress! How messed up is that? I decided I would confront this girl and let her know we were both being duped. She would get mad at him, break up with him, and he would HAVE to come back to me and Kailynn. Right? So I waited one day to get her attention and asked if she would go to the bathroom with me. We enter the bathroom and we are alone. Shwew! I was so nervous to tell her the news because I didn't want her to feel the same hurt I had felt by him. Him and I had a baby together and I was sure she would see there was a bond no one could break. I was wrong. She accused me of lying. She started yelling at me insisting that I was making the whole thing up just to get him back. Why would I make up sleeping with someone that I already had a baby with? Obviously we had already been together! I'm not going to lie about it now and make myself look pathetic for nothing. How could she really believe that I was a liar. I was in shock at how she reacted. SHE was mad at ME? Was I really that naive that I expected another girl to show compassion towards me for all that I had been through? Apparently, she was just as naive as me. Poor thing actually thought HE was the one with dignity. But then again, I guess he was. He wasn't in the girls bathroom pleading for me, it was me pleading for him. She bolted out of the bathroom leaving me standing there. It was then I knew I had hit rock bottom. I would NEVER let him make a fool of me again. What on earth was I thinking confronting this girl? Needless to say, Stan reacted exactly the way I was afraid of. He was furious with me. She told everyone what I had said and he told everyone I was lying. One girl overheard someone I thought was my friend, calling me a slut.
I went home and told my mom I would never go to school again. How could I face these people. Don't get me wrong. I know high school is hard for a lot of people but I was sinking into a dark hole everyday. Graduating high school was the least of my worries. I was beginning to think that my life wasn't even worth living. Kailynn would be so much better without me. I was a lying slut who trusted the most irresponsible, selfish teenage boy. How would I be able to raise her to make good choices when I couldn't even make them myself. I seriously started to hate myself and resent ever having a baby. They were all right. I wasn't going to be able to do this parenting thing and I was failing bigger than ever. I stayed home for about three days. My mom was getting furious with me for being a quitter. "You can either sit in here feeling sorry for yourself, or go back to school and prove them all wrong." Ok, I'll just sit here. Thanks for the advice though! Just kidding:) My mom called the assistant principle and set up a meeting for me. I went in and he told me that he had one job that year, to make sure I graduated from high school. He told me how his dad left his mom when he was little and his mom meant the world to him. That all the years of her being a single mom he had grown to admire and respect his mother for her strength. Was I really going to be a statistic? Didn't I want Kailynn to be proud of me? It was like a floodgate of emotions came pouring out. I told him EVERYTHING. The poor guy handed me a box of tissues and told me to get it ALL out. He was going to help me if that meant following me from class to class. Just having him care so much about me made me realize that I was being weak and selfish. My life wasn't about me anymore, it was about Kailynn. Was I really going to let Stan, Stan's girlfriend, and anyone else who wanted to dog me, keep me from graduation? Absolutely not!
After that I was very cautious about who I hung out with. I didn't have a huge group of friends but a few who were really there for me. I wish I knew then how much they would mean to me now. Even if we didn't stay close through the years, they were still a very important part of my life. They encouraged me to stay the heck away from Stan. Told me that I was too good for him and he didn't deserve me. They were telling me all the things I needed to hear just to go to school everyday. "Logan" was also raised by a single mom and told me if his mom could do it, then so could I. He seemed to have turned out okay:) It was nice to have people who still showed an interest in me for being Rebecca, not just the girl who had a baby while in high school. Things were far from good but they were better. I was learning how to live without Stan and it actually made me feel much better about myself.
I'm cracking up because I'm trying to finish this while my kids, all of them, are having a burping contest! Kailynn is teaching her little brother how to burp on demand. Maybe I have taught her some good life lessons:)
Confession: I am seriously ashamed of my actions in this post. I don't blame anyone for any of my actions other than myself. But most importantly, I am tired of talking about STAN!!
Don't judge my grammatical or spelling errors as I did not have time to proofread!
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